Is this financial abuse

[Liliana2323]

Hi, ill try to summarise as it's a long, 18yr story!

• met when I was 22, hubby was 30
• I had no assets, he had 2 rental properties
• he got made redundant and suggested a move to Europe, I gave up my career and followed him
• have both worked online for the last 15yrs
• he bought house we're in outright. Not a million pound villa but a 200k huge renovation project. Both funded the renovations, he has done a lot of physical work on and off over the last 10 years
• married with a prenup for his rental properties and the one we're living in
• I started new business 7yrs ago, doing well
• he hasn't worked for 18 months so far, nor done renovations (until a couple of weeks ago)
• house still needs a lot of work, still dont even have 1 fully functioning bathroom!

So the main issue here is that he is quite financially controlling. We use his personal account for day to day bills and expenses, or my business card. my business dividends goes 50/50 to our personal accounts (as he set himself up as a 50% shareholder), then I have to immediately transfer mine to his account. If I go to the supermarket (rare, as he took over that role), or away for a family visit in the UK (twice a year max), he gives me a spare card in his name. He has a couple of loans we effectively both pay + savings, pension, investments and the 2 cars are both in his name.

This arrangement never felt quite right but whenever ive tried in the past to broach the subject it turns nasty and nothing ever changes, despite promises to have a joint account, him to invest money for me, me to have a pension etc it never happens.

It has come to a head for me really as we're 5 months pregnant with a first, long awaited baby. For the first 4 months he didn't seem interested at all, in fact he was quite difficult to be around and we had a lot of arguments with him saying quite horrific things about me/us. I felt terrible, had to sleep on an ancient mattress in the spare room (he snores) and generally uncared for and unsupported. Since Christmas he has in general been quite nice, despite a couple of nasty arguments.

I am thinking of whether to leave or not because i'm panicking about the future, whether we'll stay together, will I end up a single mum in a foreign country with an unfair custody situation and struggling to make ends meet, or should I go back to the UK and my family and friends. If I stayed abroad and we then divorced, I wouldn't be allowed to move back to the UK with my baby, unless he agreed.

I suppose i'm just wondering if this is really classed as financial abuse? Or just a stupid situation which has developed over the years, unintentionally?

I think i'm a bit of a pushover with him and I hate conflict. He's quite loud and aggressive so I have avoided the issue but enough is enough now, with a baby and our future to consider. I tried to talk about my concerns a few nights ago, he shouted a lot, told me he paid for this house and I should be grateful etc but nothing has changed since financially.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

Thanks! I do walk for 30 mins 2 x a day, starting to feel too tired to do longer sessions. I was doing a lot of physical work until a few days ago, with the move and horses, the doctor thinks that's why she engaged 2-3 weeks ago :)

Yes, he really does want to be involved. He wants me to go there regularly too but has said he'll sign whatever is needed to ensure she always stays with me. In some ways im sure he thinks he's getting the best of both worlds! I'll never be able to move on but sometimes im not sure I even want to. If only these things had been sorted whilst we were still together, it would have saved a lot of stress, heartache and money 😬

Thinking of you tomorrow OP. Wishing you all the best.

Men are not the most reliable of creatures. If you are thinking you will ever go there than get a lawyer with experience in French courts to check that what he has written would hold up.

Hi everyone, well the last 10 days have been a rollercoaster! I went for a scan last Monday and as her growth was tailing off, they brought forward the induction by a week. I had a stretch and sweep on the Monday which caused a bit if bleeding so they kept me in overnight. The next day they said whilst I was there it would make sense to induce me a couple of days earlier still! I was a bit unprepared to be honest as thought I had until the 18th haha it was a stressful few days trying to decide on c section or induction, I was a bit reluctant to use the drugs, although they were pushing me to do that vs c section. In the end, on the Friday morning her heart rate kept dropping (without the drugs) so she was delivered by emergency c section at 5.36am. I wish id followed my gut and had the elected c section on the Wednesday but the consultants kept tring to put me off. The midwives were saying the opposite! 🙈

My ex flew over the day I was kept in and stayed with me all day every day and throughout the birth overnight and stayed with me during the day until I was discharged on Sunday night. Then visited us every day for hours at my mum and dad's until today, he goes back to France tomorrow 😥

I know I am hormonal and we went through a difficult and amazing time together, but I will miss him. He's been great with baby and helping me out. I wish things hadn't become so bad with us, or we could have enjoyed this time with her together. Instead he will have to fly over as much as he can.

I don't know if uts the hormones or what but I still have this horrible feeling that I should have given him a chance to fix it all before jumping ship in flight mode. I'll probably always wonder what would have happened. It's all very sad and we've both been through hell. I'm moving into my new place next week, alone, just feels sad instead of exciting!

The hood news is baby arrived safely and is unbelievably cute! And we are on good co-parenting terms. I also have my financial independence and business. Sadly for him, he's lost baby, wife, my income, a rental property he needed as an income and is now in a big old farmhouse trying to keep it maintained and finish big renovations with no money. They are now oplanning a huge solar farm surrounding it so we've lost a lot of money on it too. I cant help but feel bad for him as it was me who wanted that house 😬

Congratulations on your daughter's safe arrival ❤️

I'm so sorry you're feeling a bit sad but I think you'll come round in time and realise you've done the right thing.

Of course he's being nice - how he sucked you in the first time. Does he have a job yet or is he still looking for his meal ticket back?

So glad your little girl has arrived safely. Far better for her to be raised with amicable co-parents than a mum who has to struggle to find money to pay for anything and is trapped in a country she can't leave without leaving her daughter behind. He's behaving because you're no longer under his control. Remember he refused to give you YOUR business back when you asked. He wasn't being a good guy. Hopefully you doing a midnight flit has woken him up to the error of his ways, but you felt you had no choice and you were right. You've got this, you can do it. The solar farm isn't your fault either.

Reread your very first post OP, you made the right decision.

I think so, head over heart though. I still love him and wish he would just come and rescue me as life back here isn't that great (apart from baby of course)

It's tough being a single parent but I agree with your post again - nice as pie until he has control but a different story when he does.

You have your daughter, take delight from watching her grow. They grow so quickly that you have to make the most of it now.

So happy your daughter has arrived safely. Please, please don’t be fooled by his good behaviour at this point in time. He hasn’t changed. You are at a low ebb, you have had major surgery and are getting used to being a new Mum. Your emotions will be heightened over the next few weeks. Stay strong in the belief you have done the right thing for you and your daughter. You will get through, believe in your strength.

@Liliana2323 congratulations!! I am so happy you and baby are safe secure and well.
xx

OP your hormones are going to be on a rollercoaster for months, so don't be tempted to make any big decisions while you're vulnerable.

Whenever you're tempted to put on those 'rose tinted glasses' again because he's actually behaving like a descent person at the moment, just imagine your DD being treated the way he treated you.

Imagine HER partner controlling her the way he controlled you.

Imagine HER being financially controlled and not being 'allowed' to have her own damn business or finances under her control.

Imagine HER being effectively alone in a foreign country while pregnant and vulnerable, and her partner treating her like shit on his shoe.

Imagine HER being on the receiving end of everything he's ever done to you.

He's simply putting on an 'act', just like he did before, to reel you in. Once you're in, he'd quickly change into the controlling, self centered, greedy abusive twat he was with you. Except he'd now want to make 100% sure that you'd be severely 'punished' for having the damn nerve to go against him ! And make no mistake, he'd be using your own DD as a method of punishment, because he'd know that is what would hurt you the most !

And make no mistake, he'd be using your own DD as a method of punishment, because he'd know that is what would hurt you the most
YES

Make no mistake: he will use your DD to manipulate you (he already has) and he is highly unlikely to be a good father.

I am so glad you are back home safe.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl 💐

I just feel like I ruined everything. I should have told him I was on the verge of leaving and given him a chance to pull his socks up. I cant shift the feeling that just walking out was cruel and selfish, he prob has mental health issues after a difficult few years losing his brother, job etc and our relationship was in tatters. Maybe we should have had counselling. I just jumped ship due to being pregnant and panicking about being trapped. I wouldn't get back with him unless many things were fixed and I have financial independence and future security but it's just a shame after nearly 2 decades and being a single mum is proving lonely and really don't ever want to meet anyone else.

The opposite: your survival instinct kicked in. (you will see later, trust me)

My last post missed something. I was agreeing with the part about reading your first post again.

What you need is the Freedom Programme https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You were being trapped.

Your hormones are all over the place after giving birth. Find some mother and baby clubs and get out and make mum friends or get your health visitor, if they still visit, to pair you up with someone local who has recently given birth. Clubs can be advertised in your local library, doctor's surgery, local Facebook page. You'll feel better when baby starts to settle a bit more and you have local friends.

Sorry you're having a bad time, OP, but think about what a huge effort it was planning and getting out. Do you really want to have to go back to square one and do that all over again? Because a Groundhog Day scenario sounds pretty inevitable if you did go back.

You are mourning what should have been, not what was going to be.

Its sad. But it is NOT your doing.

I did not leave, I delayed. Now divorced a month, DD is 16, court ordered no contact with father and he stole everything/controlled everything, properties, school, financial, marriage contract was changed, everything. He refused to divorce me, I was totally trapped. I was too busy with baby DD to realise until too late. This would have been you.

Your ex husband is acting exactly, exactly like mine.

Everything would be so much worse if you were still trapped in France with a French baby! All the hormones rollercoaster you are experiencing now would be harsher, and you would be thinking ‘why didn’t I get out while I still had time?’
You are doing a lot of stressful things at the same time: moved countries, moved house, separated from your partner and you have had a major operation and have a brand new human being to look after as well ! That’s a lot.
You are doing a fabulous job so far: you have a nice house to live in that is not a building site, you are nearer family and friends, you have your own reliable income and a deposit should you want to buy a property further down the line, you have your horses with you, and, a beautiful new baby girl to get to know.
Very impressive.

He's still manipulating you and controlling you from afar so best to keep the distance. Did I read correctly that he's suggested you buy a doer upper that he will fix up? Yeah, that would be daft. I don't know the man but I know he will say he has a claim in said house later down the line. He's made sure the finances have been separated to benefit him and not you and more importantly, his child.
You need to get divorced and keep him away from any financial decisions of yours.
Just read your first post again. He isn't one of the good guys and all you are doing is attempting to justify going back to him. It wouldn't be fair on you and it would be the worst example to set your daughter.
The best thing you did was leave France without a shadow of a doubt. You need to step back further and stop him from calling the shots. You are still with him, I hope for your sake you end it.

He’s not jumping through hoops as the control over you has slipped. .
He wouldn’t change then and he definitely won’t now .
It would only be much worse for what you dared to put him through.

You would never have to have “fled” if he treated you right.
He didn’t change over night, he did it slowly and you just didn’t notice until being a mum made you come to your senses

your in a good position now . He was an abuser op and suing you . It’s his own fault if he is struggling . He didn’t care when you struggled and slept on the floor.

He still hasn’t done what is right for his daughter . He looked out for himself in divorce settlement . Not you or his own daughter. .

Stay where you are and stay safe . It would be so much harder living with him.

Congratulations on baby

Yep, he is obsessed with doer uppers. Reckons I should buy one, do it up, sell it and do it a few times to bridge the gap between a smaller and slightly bigger house but I do know what you're saying. He claims it's because he can't afford to give me any more money and this is a way he can 'help' . I'm done with building sites though at least whilst I have a young child, animals and business to run! Just want a sanctuary. It bothers me a little as he said the other day that he was "buying" me and her a house! As he reckons his French solicitor said it was unlikely he would have to pay me more than the marriage contract stipulates, whereas I know the UK courts would have made a back up provision for us to have a roof over our heads. So it's not really a gift! He sees it all as his money though. His dad apparently said he is "doing the right thing" which is typical as they are v similar with money and its a bit patronising really!

It is a bit frustrating now tbh. I will not share anything else.

Best of luck.

@Imbusytodaysorry yep you've hit the nail on the head. Sadly I think that's why he didn't chase me. I did tell him that had he acted like he cared and asked me to come home, that I'd have considered it in the 2 weeks before he got the UK divorce papers. He claims he was in total shock and didn't know what game I was playing. And that it seemed final as I'd taken my stuff and some animals. Also that he was trying to put an offer in writing to sign the smaller rental over to me just after i left but I have no proof of that. I never know what his real intentions are