Finance wants me to sleep with another man

[Melly1991]

Title says it all really. Could do with some advice on this. It’s been going on for years. He has never been able to drop it.

I honestly am in two minds. He has said try it and see if we like it, and we can do it again. If not we never have to do it again. Why should I sacrifice something like this for him? He even mentioned introducing another couple a few times, that’s one thing I could never see him with another woman. I’ve said this a few times but he still mentions it sometimes but he has agreed for me to be with a man first and he is desperate to watch in the same room.

I don’t know whether I should go through with this unless I am 100%? Should he not be worshiping my body for himself and not someone else? We have been together 13 years but our sex life has honestly been amazing, I’ve never had any concerns. We are getting married early next year.

It’s to a point he won’t stop asking me, he won’t ask me to my face and he gets awkward when we talk about it directly but he will talk about it over text (not phone call). He will text me when I’m downstairs and he’s upstairs in bed waiting for me. He will also text me when he’s at work to see my response.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I wish he would drop it but he won’t and to be honest I’m concerned now we don’t have the same sex drive anymore/ want the same things?

So he wants to get into Swinging by the sounds of it.

Bin Him off OP. Please do not marry this "Man"

You could be secretly filmed (I would not trust your fiancé at all) and wind up on multiple websites.

Yup this is definitely a thing. I know of a couple who do all sorts including this. The man plants a phone in the room to record it (without the knowledge of the man sleeping with his partner, I might add)

It's all very seedy and strange.

He even mentioned introducing another couple a few times, that’s one thing I could never see him with another woman. I’ve said this a few times but he still mentions it sometimes but he has agreed for me to be with a man first

He will definitely push to sleep with a woman afterwards and say that it's only fair because OP 'got to' sleep with a man, especially if OP won't sleep with more men for him.

Yeah it boils down to you are not sexually compatible.

He has no right to coerce you which he has been and it’s been working to some extent due to the persistence he’s worn you down with the idea of it.

I don’t see this relationship having legs anymore (run its course) definitely never marriage.

She said they had amazing sex but that doesn't appear to be in any way why she's considering saying yes.

Sounds like the only reason she's considering agreeing is because he won't stop harassing her over it.

It sounds extreme but that's also why I'm very suspicious of the texting. Anything that gets towards a yes will be seen as a green light by him (and sadly also by the courts.) It doesn't even have to be a "violent" rape. But he's going to keep pushing so anything like a yes is likely to result in a "here's Dave. You agreed to this, remember? last week". And backing out when you've already said yes and Dave and the fiance are both standing there with expectant looks is going to be much much harder than saying no before then. And OP already struggles with no.

I know that sounds far fetched but he already sees your boundaries and feelings as something to be overcome.

Or if she does go through with it once it will escalate whether she wants it to or not.

OP, I will PM you later as I'm in work. I have experience of this and where it ends up. Like you, it was about appeasing my (now ex) husband. You have doubts, please please do not get into this lifestyle. If I could rewind my life to the point you are at now I would do so in a heartbeat and make very different decisions.

If he doesn’t like talking about it and feels uncomfortable, everytime he texts to ask I would go upstairs and ask questions why he won’t take no for an answer etc. make him feel like you do then dump his sorry ass. It’s obvious he wants to go with other women so that will be the next nag if you go through with it

Why didn't you leave the minute it was mentioned?

If you tell him no & he says he accepts that-would you trust him to never mention it again?

Once won't be enough. My ex pushed and pushed this lifestyle. He was also emotionally abusive so my self respect and boundaries were non-existent. I told him he was acting like my pimp not my husband and still it continued.
The end result was him posting photos of me online (with my face visible) on sites where men compare how wh*rish their partners are.
It is a sick and twisted man who wants this. Please please don't do it.

@MILTOBE my experience of Finance is that there would be a whole load of arbitrary bullshit administration surrounding the sleeping with another man and then they’d deny that you could do it anyway as you filled in the form incorrectly when seeking authorisation for sleeping with the man. So you’d just give up and never do it as the whole thing is so painful.

A previous DP had this kink. I said no way. It's just a fantasy and will remain that way. End of. Didn't come between us and he didn't badger me at all.

Don't do it if you're not comfortable!

I’d get rid of him, this will not make for a happy marriage. I hope the invites haven’t gone out yet, be awkward explaining that one to family members 😂

As a few others have said, a guy wanting to watch his girlfriend have sex is a cuckold or hot wife kink, not a stepping stone to full swinging or foursomes. I’m non monogamous and have encountered this kink along the way.

But you don’t want to. Say it clearly: I have thought about it, since it is important to you, but it doesn’t appeal. I want to marry you and be monogamous. Is that what you want?

It’s to a point he won’t stop asking me, he won’t ask me to my face and he gets awkward when we talk about it directly but he will talk about it over text (not phone call). He will text me when I’m downstairs and he’s upstairs in bed waiting for me. He will also text me when he’s at work to see my response.

Apologies if I've missed it but I can't seem to see this anywhere in your posts.

If you've been together 13 years now - what on earth has triggered this escalation? I'd be very curious about that because I suppose it would part of the calculus as to whether he could ever let it go. Is there a specific couple he mentions, for example?

It doesn't sound like to me like you'll be compatible going forward - not just on the detail of the sex requests but the boundary setting - and I wouldn't be going ahead with any wedding.

Part of me thinks suggesting couples therapy could shut him up but I am not sure you should bother with this guy.

It would be a hard no from me, as hard as it is to walk away from a 13 year relationship that might have otherwise been good.

Does he watch a lot of porn? Does he ask you to do other things you are not happy about? Has he ever done something to you without your consent, or that is violent like slapping or strangling you?

I understand that you have invested 13 years of your life in this relationship, but it does not mean you can’t walk away. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being pressured to do things you don’t want to do.

If he loves you he should respect your boundaries.If he doesn’t respect your boundaries then I think that shows you that he does not see you as a person with rights and autonomy of thought and choice, in his mind you are there to serve his needs, not be an equal.

As others have said its a cuckold kink and a lot more common than people think. The deal breaker for me isn't that he has it; it's his inability to accept your refusal.

Sit down and make it explicitly clear you will never agree (you said 'not 100% which means you left a sliver of hope for him). Tell him if he wants you marry you, it's on the basis of lifelong monogamy and it won't change. Take it from there.

Better to know now than go through the wedding.

😂😂

OP if its not enthusiastic consent its rape, please remember that. Since you don't want to have sex with another person he's trying to talk you into being sexually assaulted for his gratification.

I would end the relationship with a man who kept overstepping my boundaries, tried to wear me down into sex acts I was uncomfortable with and wouldn't take no for an answer. I also don't think this issue is going to go away I think he may consider cheating if you refuse to get involved. Red flags and massive ick. So sorry OP. Xx

All those fancy descriptive words trying to make what is basically a perversion appear normal.

And that illustrates perfectly the difference between a fantasy and a fetish/paraphilia/harmful boundary crossing behaviour.

Personally he isn't listening to you is he, just pushing his agenda. I'd be telling him to fuck right off.

But the typo made me smile! 😂

He isn't going to change. I'd run for the hills if were you. Don't even think about marrying him.

This is awful!

DH and I have had a threesome before with another man, it was an amazing night but it was something we both wanted and had discussed a lot.

You are not wrong for not wanting it. He is not wrong for wanting it. He is totally, so far over the line not OK for harassing you like this.