Did you marry the 'masculine' man; or do you wear the trousers?

[xxlouisewellsxx]

Just watched a reel on IG that had a lady walking around the airport following her husband saying she did not need to use a braincell when with her husband (as he is leading her around the airport, checking flight times, generally in control of the situation) I read the comments on the post and they were saying if you are with the right man you relax and feel safe and allow him to lead etc etc...

My experience is the other hand, I am in control of the flight times/destinations/etc etc. These are silly airport examples; but generally filter down to everyday life. Some would say I am in my masculine energy? Do you agree?

Who did you marry? The ‘leader’ man, or the man YOU lead – and how has that worked out for you? My friends husband generally makes all of her decisions on destinations/finances. He calls other men 'not real men' and 'walk overs'. I also see videos of 'masculine' work shops and women saying being in the feminine energy is great - but I always think if you trust the wrong man you are kind of doomed and unhappy, and its too late to leave.

Not slamming anyone, just generally interested in whether you ‘wear the trousers’ and if you prefer it, or are you happily married with a man that takes control of everything and you generally don’t need to worry about much. Is it true, does this ‘allow’ you to step more into your ‘feminine energy’ – I have never experienced this so I am curious.

Are you divorced to a ‘man that leads’ as it didn’t work out? Or the opposite and would like your husband to be more masculine? (I guess those types of men always give out a different aura) Or are you happy making the plans every weekend/making most of the decisions/leading your life.

@PumpkinsAndCoconuts coincidentally these people seem to always disrespect their partner

😆

Same here. We make mutual decisions. Some things DH is better at than me, but equally, I'm better than him at some things.
I'm not particularly feminine. He's not a macho man.

Mine is a useless coward who never sticks up for me. He was brought up by his mum ,3 aunts and 2 big sisters, and fusses over things like tablecloths, I make all the decisions,where to live,holidays,how many kids to have,.
In a restaurant I choose a meal,he then has what I have. He never makes his own decisions. Can't drive,just sits there. A useless fucking waste of space. Contributes nothing.
Unfortunately too late to get rid as been with him since 1976 and now I'm late 60s,he's mid 70s.

That would be my experience as well!

this whole thing of leading and following is a give and take imo (at least in a healthy relationship).

I wrote that I’m more of a planner and SO is more of a doer. But when it comes to organising our spaces (particularly the kitchen, the cellar, shared items) he’s considerably more active and in “charge”. And I’m really happy to let him decide because it means that I won’t have to do it! And he doesn’t have to live in my - mostly organised - chairs 🤣

DH has his strong points and I have mine

I sort the finances/holidays/cars/educational decisions

He puts up pictures and puts oil in my car, cuts the grass etc.

He's intelligent and earns a significant amount of money, I have the more "masculine" job though

He wouldn't say boo to a goose, hates confrontation and can be a bit soft.. but he's like a Rottweiler at work with decision making and ambition

Make of that what you will. Lovely man. My ex was a macho fireman but totally thick.. body of a God and the mind of a goldfish

He's also more affectionate than me

Knowing your way around an airport isn't 'masculine'.
Being organised with paperwork isn't 'masculine'.

Me and DH are equals. I'm great at some stuff, less so at others. Same with him. Some of my strenghts are traditional 'masculine' strengths, some traditional 'feminine'. Same with him.

I respect the stuff he's good at, and vice versa.

I'm not going to pretend to be a whimpering princess who needs saving. He'd find that deeply unattractive in any case. But mostly, because I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not to attract / to keep a man.

Be who you are. Forget about being 'too feminine' or 'too masculine'. Be you. And let him be him. If you love each other then brilliant. If you don't like him for who he is, you're with the wrong person. And vice versa.

I would rather be capable, competent, assertive when it's needed, and be able to rely on myself to get through life. The minute you aren't those things, you're saying you need someone to 'look after' you. I'd rather be with someone because we love who each other are, strenghts and weaknesses, than because I'm playing a role I think they'll like.

Finally - IMO any man worth knowing would prefer to be with a woman who is his equal. Someone intellingent and capable. The ones who want someone 'feminine' are looking for someone to look up to them and tell them how powerful and wonderful they are. Which is never an attractive look on a man.

"Your penultimate paragraph is terrifying. Why would any woman in the 21st Century not wish to be independent lest a man thought them intimidating?

If anything ever happened to DH, God forbid, I'd stick pins in my eyes before pandering to the "power" needs, or any other needs of any man. If a woman is independent she has choices."

@RosesAndHellebores agreed - but whether or not I think it's right or wrong, that is my honest experience from dating. The pool is small because my bar is high, and then smaller again because of those men, maybe half just aren't interested in, for example, a strong, or opinionated, or successful (etc) woman.

Thankfully, this doesn't bother me in the slightest. But dating has certainly been eye opening.

Masculine man definitely. He's the one I go to if I need help.

What a ridiculous binary. No, I married a kind, competent adult with whom I share in decisions and responsibilities.

@asquire perhaps the issue is needing to date. Wouldn't it be better to join a choir, bridge club, political party or something. Do what you want and if a man is a vicarious add on, he will be interested in what you are interested in.

Why do you need a man?

my bar is high, and then smaller again because of those men, maybe half just aren't interested in, for example, a strong, or opinionated, or successful (etc) woman.

For me, not being put off by an intelligent independent woman is very much part of my bar setting.

As Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie said: "Of course I am not worried about intimidating men. The type of man who will be intimidated by me is exactly the type of man I have no interest in."

@Muffin777

If competence is a masculine quality.

But not all men are competent.

And women can be competent.

In what way is competence is a masculine quality?

I am very interested in the replies here because I have someone very close to me whose DH is abusive. over the years I occasionally tried to drop hints or ask questions and always made a hash of it ended up being met with defensiveness and told to butt out. I realized eventually that even though she always talked like she would want an equal relationship, and tried to pretend she had one, her ideal is actually the one described by muffin777 and others above - having a kind, strong man to take control and look after her, make all the decisions, treat her like a child basically. Since she admitted this to me, as a couple they have drifted more and more openly into these highly stereotypical roles. But he is still abusive. I just wish I had understood from the beginning what the baseline was to compare what I was seeing to as I questioned things she was happy with rather than the things she was unhappy with and missed my opportunity to help. I can't talk to her about it now as he knows what I think and I am at risk of being cut off by him. He controls everything and she has no privacy.

Well yes, quite. But I was trying to get the point across that the pool gets smaller and smaller.

Mine is a leader type, but not a bossy one. Airport scenario is that he organizes us getting thru customs before putting the boarding passes and the passports in my bag. Then he sits whilst I go off for a little retail therapy in duty free. I however book all our trips, go and pay (use a bricks and mortar agent that I have been using for 25 years. Prefer to sit with her to book as she books my overnight stays at airport hotels, car parking, and as my regular travel spot (now my home) was a 3 -4 times a year and we have been over 50 times to many resorts, she likes to pick my brains for info for other clients. He however takes care of any banking and investing, anything to do with car or house upkeep like painting. I pick the colors I want for the walls he does it. If the kids that are now all adults need advice, they go to dad, because they know he will have or find the solution. Best of both worlds here. A leader husband does not have to be a controlling one. Thank god because if he tried that shit with me I would kick his ass so hard (verbally of course)

Neither we each have a trouser leg.

Why would any grown adult drift about an airport not paying attention to their flight number or departure gate? Even my ten year old lifts his head out of his switch checks the screens for our flight!
DH and I are both competent adults, neither needs the other to tell them how to navigate normal life. We share the tasks but both could do any.

One leg each

I'm always alert in threads like this for mentions of "putting oil in my car" "hanging pictures" and putting up shelves" as examples of a) quintessentially male energy jobs and b) examples of the way jobs are divided 50:50 in the poster's household. I do wonder what they put on all those shelves......

We kind of share that role. We're a real team and certain things he takes the lead, and other things I do.

But even when the other is in the lead, we do both have a say and contribute.

My mother made one of her extra special comments yesterday. I had had a flat tyre. "That's a man's job to sort out". I know she's 87, but the attitudes of her and step grind my gears. I was berated not long ago for still working. My DH evidently should have been ensuring I lived a more privileged life. No understanding that I like work whatsoever.

this made me laugh because while I absolutely agree with this point I seriously hope mu husband never adds up all hours he spend putting stuff up on the walls or I'll be doing dishes until kids move out 😂

Interesting take away. You've intimated from me mentioning previous dating experience that I "need to date" or "need a man".

Why is that? I certainly don't feel that way.

We're talking about how appalled we are with so called masculine and feminine stereotypes but isn't this the same? Dating doesn't equal being unhappy with our own independence.

@xxlouisewellsxx - DH and I share the decision-making and maintenance of our family equally because we’re both adults. That’s what adults do.

Some of the posts on here are making me quite queasy - as if women are children who need someone else to do their thinking and organisation for them while the women flutter around looking pretty and helpless. What utter bollocks. Decisiveness, authority, competence, power are human qualities, not male ones.