Did you marry the 'masculine' man; or do you wear the trousers?

[xxlouisewellsxx]

Just watched a reel on IG that had a lady walking around the airport following her husband saying she did not need to use a braincell when with her husband (as he is leading her around the airport, checking flight times, generally in control of the situation) I read the comments on the post and they were saying if you are with the right man you relax and feel safe and allow him to lead etc etc...

My experience is the other hand, I am in control of the flight times/destinations/etc etc. These are silly airport examples; but generally filter down to everyday life. Some would say I am in my masculine energy? Do you agree?

Who did you marry? The ‘leader’ man, or the man YOU lead – and how has that worked out for you? My friends husband generally makes all of her decisions on destinations/finances. He calls other men 'not real men' and 'walk overs'. I also see videos of 'masculine' work shops and women saying being in the feminine energy is great - but I always think if you trust the wrong man you are kind of doomed and unhappy, and its too late to leave.

Not slamming anyone, just generally interested in whether you ‘wear the trousers’ and if you prefer it, or are you happily married with a man that takes control of everything and you generally don’t need to worry about much. Is it true, does this ‘allow’ you to step more into your ‘feminine energy’ – I have never experienced this so I am curious.

Are you divorced to a ‘man that leads’ as it didn’t work out? Or the opposite and would like your husband to be more masculine? (I guess those types of men always give out a different aura) Or are you happy making the plans every weekend/making most of the decisions/leading your life.

Alpha male types can be a real PITA. (Even if they're not quite as bad as the Andrew Tates of this world.)
This would also include any person, male or female, who simply has to be in charge all the time. Would that not be seen as controlling here on Mumsnet?
I think in most relationships there are degrees of give and take. Thankfully.

hey, If your asking for my intent behind the question, and actual specifics, its quite the opposite. I have a friend who has been working 15+ years who has met a man that actually wants to provide for her, look after her financially, and she has been confiding in me that she is finding it hard to do so, and I can relate to her. She (like me) is used to providing for herself, doing what she wants/(don't shoot me but she says being in her masculine energy!!) lol. She doesn't feel comfortable him taken on all that, even though he wants too. So quite the opposite to your accusation a little. @TopicalNameChange she said she comes away relieved after not having to constantly being in flight or fight mode worrying and considering everything constantly.

I don't have any advice to give her to was wondering about certain set ups.

@xxlouisewellsxx I'm sorry but being an adult means making decisions.
That's just part of life.
Opting out of that part of adulthood is pretty pathetic whether you're a man or a woman.

@xxlouisewellsxx there's a middle ground that you're totally ignoring, which is teamwork - both people in a relationship working together to make decisions, rather than one or the other being responsible. It doesn't have to be one person as submissive follower and the other as a dominant leader.

On an individual level, I suppose it isn't bad in the sense that people should do whatever makes them happy.

I'm not sure how anyone could argue that it's anything but bad on a societal level due to the sexist gender stereotypes it perpetuates as well as like you said, it also making women as a whole more financially vulnerable which is also problematic for society and equality.

Absolutely this!

And If a man was insisting he wanted to take care of me financially I would consider that a major red flag personally.

When I got together with my guy I told him of a quote by Albert Camus that I thought summed things up nicely.

Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.
Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.

Has served us well for nearly 40 years.

@xxlouisewellsxx I would advise any woman to be wary of a man who wants to 'provide for her', if that involves her giving up work. This is not the same thing as, say, wanting to facilitate a stay at home parent for a period of time to benefit the family.

Honestly, I can't understand why anyone would want to opt out of decision-making for their own lives. Isn't that just opting out of normal adult life and expecting your spouse to behave like a parent instead of an equal partner?

Why does there have to be a leader? Don't most couples just make decisions together, through discussion, negotiation and mutual agreement? Isn't that healthier than one person leading and the other just following?

I would be extremely concerned for my dd if she got into a relationship where a man "relieved her" of all her decision-making responsibilities.

I would be extremely concerned for my son's if they were with a woman who wanted to opt out of decision making, too

I love that. Never come across it before but it sums up exactly the relationship that DH and I have had for nearly 30 years.

Yes, I don't have sons, but I agree that it would be concerning from that perspective as well.

Yep, me too. I'm not a child that needs to be taken care of!!

In all honesty I'm probably the leader in our relationship in that I have slightly more control freak tendencies than DH. However, we tend to play tennis with 'leadership' depending on who has the most mental energy at the time. At one point we were both operational police sergeants leading teams of 30+ officers responsible for responding to 999 calls. At that stage both of us could quite literally come home and be incapable of deciding if we wanted tea or coffee when offered a hot drink because we were all decisioned out. It's made us quite tolerant of each other really. In the airport scenario it would be me organising and leading one year and him the next. We don't so much have roles and bounce the proportion between us.

Same here, going on 35 years

I don't think airport navigation and planning is a masculine trait, I think that's feminine traits to read maps and plan. It's like a lot of admin work or home management, usually done by women. Women navigating an airport will know to allow toilet time for everyone, they will know to factor in nappy change or meals. Maybe it's nature or nurture for women.

My idea of male and manly skills are:

DIY and heavy gardening however planting a boarder or pruning is feminine
Lifting heavy things like furniture, however choosing wall paint and sofa is feminine
Dealing with aggression with other adults however, aggression by children is best handled by women or feminine traits
Protectiveness of family
Bringing in the lion share of family money
Handling home security
Handling disgusting jobs like dealing with animal poo and pests
Car maintenance and washing is manly but taking it to get washed is feminine.

Beautiful ❤️

Another implication of all the masculine/feminine energy nonsense is that it reinforces toxic masculinity. If a man shows any sign of weakness, indecisiveness or vulnerability, he's not a "real man".

DP and I both largely competent and stoic people but when you're with someone for the long haul you'll see their wobbles and self-doubt as well, and one of the best things about being in a healthy relationship is having someone who supports you through them. That applies to him as well as me.

This is all just sexist stereotypes!!

I love this.

We each have our different strength snd we are a strong team. There have been times during our life when one or the other of us have needed looking after by the other due to ill health. My dh is very capable and very much a doer and a forward planner. I am an organiser but more the type to make lists. It'd not about 'energies'.

Like the 90s?
The 90s was not any different to now. Most mums I knew then worked and kids went to childminders or nurseries. Obviously there were some SAHMs but it wasn’t the default.

" @xxlouisewellsxx @asquire thank you. I know the term mascaline/feminine triggers a people (it does me still to this day and I feel uncomfortable with it) I just wanted to understand dynamics of a relationship.
This is the kind of answer I wanted/can relate too; I also am usually thinking ahead. when I look back at my past relationships I always led and felt comfortable leading (closing on house deals, deciding where to holiday) some would say I am lucky and I do agree.
Like you I actually think this is harder to find in men now (that may well be a good thing) I once got with a man who wanted to make all those decisions and we argued like cat and dog; but looking back I really think I struggled with taking on a more 'submissive' role. I was just wondering if this paid off for anybody? I know some women that are very happy with this role as they trust there man. I suppose I never really have trusted anyone..."

I get this. Maybe submissive isn't the right word, but I really really longed to just come home and not have to make more decisions. Even something as simple as someone else having decided what to have for tea or to have taken control of something small so that there was less on my plate would have been really helpful. I used to voice this regularly, but I would have to say something like "I need you to deal with xyz so I that don't have to think about it", which still meant that I would have to instigate any kind of decision making, so it was counter productive really.

While I absolutely would not want to be 'led' - that would drive me INSANE - sometimes it would have been nice to share the burden!

I think in terms of finding someone compatible in this regard, it's more difficult because women who are more independent can perhaps come across as more intimidating or less approachable to some people.

The way I look at it is, the right person will add to my life more than they take away. That might be in different ways than I think or expect, but I'm happy enough as I am until that comes along. And the trust will come naturally in those circumstances, if that makes sense.

Just read back one of my posts. When I said DH is a leader, protector and provider, I meant through his job. He doesn't assume that mantle at home. Well, he would be the one to go downstairs in the middle if the night and he has provided well but that's been vicarious because he is a workaholic.

However, if I were on my own I could look after myself financially and emotionally.

It is not submissive or overly feminine to want someone to make the decision about what to cook for tea. Making dinner is not a gendered act. Bathing the kids without being told to do so is not a gendered act. It is what people in loving healthy relationships do