Did you marry the 'masculine' man; or do you wear the trousers?

[xxlouisewellsxx]

Just watched a reel on IG that had a lady walking around the airport following her husband saying she did not need to use a braincell when with her husband (as he is leading her around the airport, checking flight times, generally in control of the situation) I read the comments on the post and they were saying if you are with the right man you relax and feel safe and allow him to lead etc etc...

My experience is the other hand, I am in control of the flight times/destinations/etc etc. These are silly airport examples; but generally filter down to everyday life. Some would say I am in my masculine energy? Do you agree?

Who did you marry? The ‘leader’ man, or the man YOU lead – and how has that worked out for you? My friends husband generally makes all of her decisions on destinations/finances. He calls other men 'not real men' and 'walk overs'. I also see videos of 'masculine' work shops and women saying being in the feminine energy is great - but I always think if you trust the wrong man you are kind of doomed and unhappy, and its too late to leave.

Not slamming anyone, just generally interested in whether you ‘wear the trousers’ and if you prefer it, or are you happily married with a man that takes control of everything and you generally don’t need to worry about much. Is it true, does this ‘allow’ you to step more into your ‘feminine energy’ – I have never experienced this so I am curious.

Are you divorced to a ‘man that leads’ as it didn’t work out? Or the opposite and would like your husband to be more masculine? (I guess those types of men always give out a different aura) Or are you happy making the plans every weekend/making most of the decisions/leading your life.

It does make me sad that women have spent decades, if not centuries, trying to be recognised as people with agency, but some people want to ditch all that progress and stereotype us all over again to curtail that.

We are all different, we all have different strengths and weaknesses and desires. There is no such thing as masculine or feminine energy.

I really do struggle with the idea that masculine means being in control and being feminine means being submissive.

Seriously????

Honestly OP any suggestion that in a marriage one person must “wear the trousers” is as outdated as it is sexist.

A good marriage is a team. That might mean sharing everything and each holding your own passport, that might mean one person has the passports today but the other will have responsibility for something tomorrow.

What utter sexist nonsense. Why would I suspend my own intellect for someone else? And even more so just because that person is male?
What is the matter with you to even think this should be the case?

A lot of it is. Other than looking pretty and being kind, what being 'feminine' amounts to to the type of people who make these videos, is being submissive and unchallenging to men.

Neither. I lead on some stuff, DH leads on other stuff, because we each have different strengths. We are equal partners in a team.

Complimentarianism. Or to put it another way: 'Teamwork makes the dream work'.

We go together like salt and vinegar.
Neither wears the trousers and both have strengths and weaknesses

I’m like that when I’m with my husband and we’re out and about. I don’t think I even look at roads before we cross, I don’t pay attention to where we’re going, what train we need to get, what time we need to be there, I don’t need to because in those circumstances he is in “charge” and he certainly “leads”

At home I would say it’s the opposite. I’m the “leader” in the home; I run things by him but don’t particularly include him in the thought process. If I want to redecorate or get new furniture that’s what will happen 99% of the time, if I want to ah w people o we for dinner/bbq/family gathering, I just let him know.

I’m also the treasurer. He transfers me 80% if not more of his wages and I ensure all bills are paid, money set aside for treats, holidays, kids clothes etc. I work far less hours than him. It plays to my strengths. I’m highly organised and good with money. If I left it to him we would have every new electronic going but no vegetables or toilet roll 😂

We have quite a traditional relationship gender wise in that way. It works for us. We’re both happy in our roles. I think of him as very masculine and it is one of the things I find very attractive about him. And vice versa - he likes that I am a good housewife and mother. That’s what he was looking for. I don’t see why that’s a bad thing if both people are happy with the arrangement.

I'm married to a man but one who doesnt watch sexist rubbish on instagram. I'll wear a dress or skirt when it's hot, otherwise I prefer trousers. Neither or us follows outdated stereotypes.

@asquire thank you. I know the term mascaline/feminine triggers a people (it does me still to this day and I feel uncomfortable with it) I just wanted to understand dynamics of a relationship.
This is the kind of answer I wanted/can relate too; I also am usually thinking ahead. when I look back at my past relationships I always led and felt comfortable leading (closing on house deals, deciding where to holiday) some would say I am lucky and I do agree.
Like you I actually think this is harder to find in men now (that may well be a good thing) I once got with a man who wanted to make all those decisions and we argued like cat and dog; but looking back I really think I struggled with taking on a more 'submissive' role. I was just wondering if this paid off for anybody? I know some women that are very happy with this role as they trust there man. I suppose I never really have trusted anyone...

A genuinely strong man (and woman) knows their own strengths AND weaknesses, because everyone has both. Weak men are scared to admit they have weaknesses.

So genuinely strong men with work as a team with their wife, with both playing to their strengths and supporting each other, rather than trying to dominate

I don't think it has anything to do with masculine or feminine energy, more about being proactive. I wouldn't have the patience some of my friends do with their partners who apparently have no drive to take charge (or even offer opinions) on things like holidays, finances, child raising etc.

It's quite toxic to assume that men should be masculine and that this is demonstrated by them acting as if they know everything and believing women should just follow.
It feeds into a lot of women feeling that to be feminine, they can't speak their mind and their knowledge somehow isn't as reliable as a man's.

In our house, DH takes the lead on things he's better than me at. This includes holidays because he really enjoys doing the research and planning and I don't so we have better trips as a result of him doing it.

On the other hand, we both contribute to financial plans because we both think it's important. We both had equal say when we bought a house and car.
I take the lead on home decorating choices, days out, concerts etc. it's more my thing.

I also think it's important for there to be a clear distinction between taking the lead and taking charge.
To me, DH takes the lead on holiday planning but wouldn't book anywhere without checking it's somewhere I'm interested in seeing first.
Taking charge would be him just arranging something and expecting me to follow along without question and I wouldn't accept that either.

This is interesting because thinking about it he is masculine and does take charge and plan and organise things but at the heart of that is a desire to just make me happy and everything as easy as possible for me. He knows my work is stressful so does his best to ensure the rest of life is stress free. Neither of us are fully in charge it's team work and joint decisions.

We both make decisions and handle day to day life. We’re a partnership, neither one of us has an overriding decision. If a man tried to make all the decisions for me he’d be told to fuck off pretty quickly. If I had to make all the decisions for a man I would get the ick pretty quickly, I’m not his mother.

Using your airport example. I’ve probably researched places to go because I enjoy doing it. DH would research my shortlist and pick a favourite. We’d book a place together and one would probably organise insurance while one organised airport parking/hotels. We’d both pull our clothes out and put them to be packed but DH would pack as he’s better than I am. At the airport, DH is probably the one finding the check-in and watching for the gate because my eyesight isn’t so bad that I need to wear glasses all the time but I definitely won’t be able to see the signs/monitors. It’s me that’s working backwards from our flight that we should get something to eat at this time.

This totally sums up my DH too 😂 such a good way to put it. Super smart, critical thinker, total common sense and amazing memory, cultured, funny and very capable. Can turn his hand to anything. But as PP poster said, we play to our strengths and step in/up to support each other when needed

Neither. We both step in when our individual abilities are needed.

We are pretty even stevens in all walks of life and life-admin but DH does the in-airport admin stuff as he gets stressed if he doesn't have all the paperwork etc. I can't say as it bothers me, I just let him get on with it. It lowers his stress levels and gives me one less thing to think about. Choose your battles.

Is 'who wears the trousers' the only choice? If I do the planning or 'take charge' does that emasculate him?

Yes I’d say we do have gendered roles in our relationship; he makes the decisions/takes action which makes a nice change as I’m usually in charge in all other aspects of my life (senior work role, our children, organising things in my friendship groups). It’s not in a controlling way and I like being able to take a step back and just breathe whilst with him. He’s also the man his male friends come to for guidance and help. It’s very attractive.

The vast majority of men do not want a strong woman like this.

So masculine energy is somehow about leadership and decision making? It’s interesting the sorts of decision making and leadership that are associated with ‘masculine’ energy in the examples you gave. The man makes decisions and leads in cool high status examples like international travel and high finance. Decision making and leadership around household tasks - like food or kids clothes or household - somehow aren’t masculine energy even when they involve research, planning and decision making on a much more constant basis. It’s almost like it’s a ridiculously sexist premise that relies on lazy gender stereotypes ;-).

That said I do think there’s something more interesting about how the roles of instigator and project manager/researcher and decision maker in relationships works. For us, we tend to be instigator and PM/researcher in our own respective areas; then decision making is more shared but based on the PMs recommendations and research. I am however naturally more of an instigator so my areas of expertise tend to get prioritised as I push ‘em along. Hence anything for holiday, kids education or garden will get done but we drive around in old cars!

Obviously, we work together and both of us are capable of managing to navigate an airport! Neither of us switch our brains off. That would be extremely weird for an adult to do. Neither of us "wears the trousers" - we discuss things and share responsibility equally. That's normal, I'd have thought.

My DH thinks and acts like he's the captain and I'm his skipper, but unfortunately he's frequently an irredeemable idiot so I have to sort most things out. Doesn't stop him taking the credit though.

As a husband, I'm not a pushover. As a man, I couldn't be described as macho. I don't like sport and I'm cool with that. I like men who are macho as long as they're not unpleasant: I admire strength and bravery. I'm inspired by it, rather than threatened.

There is a problem, though. My wife and I met online and I think she fell in love with me intellectually - but not physically: I don't turn her on. Probably why she had an affair with a rugby player, and probably why we don't have sex, and she never did seem to enjoy it much with me anyway.

This stuff is important. You need the chemistry.