Did you marry the 'masculine' man; or do you wear the trousers?

[xxlouisewellsxx]

Just watched a reel on IG that had a lady walking around the airport following her husband saying she did not need to use a braincell when with her husband (as he is leading her around the airport, checking flight times, generally in control of the situation) I read the comments on the post and they were saying if you are with the right man you relax and feel safe and allow him to lead etc etc...

My experience is the other hand, I am in control of the flight times/destinations/etc etc. These are silly airport examples; but generally filter down to everyday life. Some would say I am in my masculine energy? Do you agree?

Who did you marry? The ‘leader’ man, or the man YOU lead – and how has that worked out for you? My friends husband generally makes all of her decisions on destinations/finances. He calls other men 'not real men' and 'walk overs'. I also see videos of 'masculine' work shops and women saying being in the feminine energy is great - but I always think if you trust the wrong man you are kind of doomed and unhappy, and its too late to leave.

Not slamming anyone, just generally interested in whether you ‘wear the trousers’ and if you prefer it, or are you happily married with a man that takes control of everything and you generally don’t need to worry about much. Is it true, does this ‘allow’ you to step more into your ‘feminine energy’ – I have never experienced this so I am curious.

Are you divorced to a ‘man that leads’ as it didn’t work out? Or the opposite and would like your husband to be more masculine? (I guess those types of men always give out a different aura) Or are you happy making the plans every weekend/making most of the decisions/leading your life.

I married the leader type. He has a lot of direction and he's quite decisive. But it doesn't follow that I'm the submissive one in the relationship. We each play to our strengths. He's great at managing household finances - best broadband deals, best insurance deals etc. I'm much better at managing the diary, dentist appointments, DS's schedule etc. Also I'm much more extrovert so tend to socialise more.

Your penultimate paragraph is terrifying. Why would any woman in the 21st Century not wish to be independent lest a man thought them intimidating?

If anything ever happened to DH, God forbid, I'd stick pins in my eyes before pandering to the "power" needs, or any other needs of any man. If a woman is independent she has choices.

Agreed. That's just about sharing the mental load. Neither partner should have to make all of the decisions. You're both adults, so just share stuff between you.

Yep. I would have zero respect for any man who found my independence intimidating. I'd rather be on my own than in a relationship with a man like that.

That's beautiful ZsaZsa. I hadn't heard that one before.

Haven’t read the full thread, but this conversation came up with my group of friends.. ‘who wears the trousers’.

Everyone said they ‘wore the trousers’. I found it odd as I can’t see the appeal in having a man child that needs to be dictated to.

Although I do suspect their responses were more for show, perhaps out of fear of being perceived as weak or submissive.

I think in terms of finding someone compatible in this regard, it's more difficult because women who are more independent can perhaps come across as more intimidating or less approachable to some people.

And that is their problem.... I'd rather be single than with someone who found my independence intimidating.

Oh God. What a crock of shit. Feminine energy, what the fuck is that?

As others have said, it's not binary like 'wears the trousers' or not, nor is making most decisions and 'leading' household stuff 'masculine'. I think most people with families find women end up doing the absolute lion's share of decision making and planning for kids, home, wider family and holidays. I would expect a stereotypical 'masculine man' not to do any of those things because he thinks it's not real work and only his job matters as regards his 'leadership'. Which goes to show how messed up the whole thing is!

I do all the admin.
He's dyslexic and can't use technology. I'm also far more organised than he.

On the other hand, he can drive much better than I can, and he can mend pretty much anything. He also does all the decorating.

We share the housework equally. And we shared all the childcare as well.

We've been together a very long time. We understand one another's strengths.

Me too.

It isn't intimidating to be independent just because I have a vagina. It's just basic adulting that should be expected of everyone.

My husband leads because I let him.

That sounds tiring! And also ridiculous

I'm not even sure what that means.

Does he actually lead or do you just let him think that he is leading?

If he actually leads, are you not just kidding yourself that you "let him" do this? Pretending to yourself that you actually have the power but choose not to exercise it? Why wouldn't you just share decision-making equally if that were the case?

Or if you just let him think that he is leading, why do you feel the need to do this? Don't you get tired of constantly massaging his ego.

Why wouldn't you want to be an equal partner in the relationship?

I'd say I am the more 'adulty' of the two of us in terms of making sure various insurances are up to date, keeping track of appointments, moving money around when needs be, planning and booking trips and being the one who knows where we need to be and when, but he does more in terms of manual and technical stuff. I don't even know where our router is, for example and have never taken a bin out since I lived with him (not because I can't or wouldn't, but because he already has).

‘Adulting’ appears curiously gendered in the minds of significant numbers of Mners.

If it's something that I've organised, then I'll have the tickets and the times and know where to go and tell him where to meet. If he has organised it I'll just turn up where and when he said!

IMO it’s not a good idea to allow men to make decisions. I distrust couples who have a man who thinks he is the more dominant partner.
I think it’s my background- my Mum is very much in charge! DH knows his place and is extremely well trained.

Not married. SO and I are currently planning the wedding but I’m not in a rush… anyhow:

My friends husband generally makes all of her decisions on destinations/finances. He calls other men 'not real men' and 'walk overs'. that sounds deeply unpleasant. My SO luckily doesn’t do that!

I am probably the planner in our relationship. I consider the eventualities, make a plan B, do most of the research, book trips etc.

whereas he’s the doer who (independently) executes my plans (that’s a fairly sweeping generalisation and our “roles” are very much intertwined).

When it comes to holidays: Departure times, directions etc. are definitely his responsibility. And I do sometimes shut my brain off, tbh. It’s just really pleasant to soak in the atmosphere of foreign cities, take in the sights etc. and not be worried about getting lost..

I have adhd btw, this might be relevant.

But why would you marry someone you appear to think of as a slightly dimwitted Golden Retriever?

🤣 I don’t like dogs

but then their partner's don't brag about it and they themselves don't wonder how it happened

Indeed. I don't know why men or women would want a partner who didn't do their fair share of the decision-making any more than they would want a partner who insisted on dominating everything.

What's wrong with two equal adults sharing responsibilities and making decisions together?

Some people wish to control and dominate their partner 🤷‍♀️ that kind of setup would probably appeal to them…

I like 'em strong in the arm & thick in the head