Did you marry the 'masculine' man; or do you wear the trousers?

[xxlouisewellsxx]

Just watched a reel on IG that had a lady walking around the airport following her husband saying she did not need to use a braincell when with her husband (as he is leading her around the airport, checking flight times, generally in control of the situation) I read the comments on the post and they were saying if you are with the right man you relax and feel safe and allow him to lead etc etc...

My experience is the other hand, I am in control of the flight times/destinations/etc etc. These are silly airport examples; but generally filter down to everyday life. Some would say I am in my masculine energy? Do you agree?

Who did you marry? The ‘leader’ man, or the man YOU lead – and how has that worked out for you? My friends husband generally makes all of her decisions on destinations/finances. He calls other men 'not real men' and 'walk overs'. I also see videos of 'masculine' work shops and women saying being in the feminine energy is great - but I always think if you trust the wrong man you are kind of doomed and unhappy, and its too late to leave.

Not slamming anyone, just generally interested in whether you ‘wear the trousers’ and if you prefer it, or are you happily married with a man that takes control of everything and you generally don’t need to worry about much. Is it true, does this ‘allow’ you to step more into your ‘feminine energy’ – I have never experienced this so I am curious.

Are you divorced to a ‘man that leads’ as it didn’t work out? Or the opposite and would like your husband to be more masculine? (I guess those types of men always give out a different aura) Or are you happy making the plans every weekend/making most of the decisions/leading your life.

How about not getting your ideas and language about gender from Instagram reels?? It's not going to do you well.

When I am 'on it' as in refreshed, energised, in good health and feeling strong I can lead on decision making. I'm not always on it. My husband is the same. So, like normal adults, we take it in turns to make decisions and carry the load. We talk about things.

There is no masculine energy or pant wearing inherent in making decisions, checking in for a flight, or scanning the environment for supposed threats. And I'm sorry but I would find any adult who needs someone to do these things for them a bit pathetic really.

My DH also comes from a culture in which men are the leaders, protectors and providers. Thankfully, he had the intelligence and morality that enabled him to see through that bollocks from an early age and he fully recognises that women are his equals and that men and women are capable of having genuinely equal partnerships.

And thankfully, I don't have to fanny around stroking his ego to make sure that he feels like he is in charge either...our relationship wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes if he had been that way inclined.

The way I see it is there shouldn’t be a power imbalance. I think people think ‘alpha’ (hate that term) or ‘dominant’ (also hate that term) means one person is ‘above’ the other.

I don’t think having a more ‘masculine’ man means the woman is ‘submissive’ or ‘surrendered’. Because a genuinely masculine man respects and cherishes the woman’s contribution to the relationship. As I said I think ‘masculine’ encompasses traits like secure, stoic, competent, assertive, decisive, responsible etc etc. not ‘dominant’ or ‘alpha’ or ‘likes to watch football and drink beer’,

there will be a lot of polarised opinions on here because of how everyone interprets the terminology. But I certainly don’t think women should be ‘less than’ in relationships just because I like that DP has more typically ‘masculine’ traits and capabilities. Certain things come more naturally to him that I would find exhausting. Capable of them, but exhausting. And vice versa.

I think ‘masculine’ encompasses traits like secure, stoic, competent, assertive, decisive, responsible

Good lord this is just brain-dead bullshit. Those things are not feminine? Silly little women can't be competent and secure?

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry in response to some of this shit!!

Yes, exactly. The idea that one of us takes charge and the other doesn't, in any area, makes no sense to me. It's just whoever had more spare time and less stress that week.

I have once had to be led/pushed through an airport (by a friend, not DP) but I ascribe that to my hungover (possibly still drunk) energy (it was Ibiza), not my feminine energy.

Sooo... just use the words "secure," "stoic," "competent," "assertive," "decisive," or "responsible", when you want to describe those things, instead of trying to make this some sort of weird gendered thing?

@Muffin777 Really? So you think that the term masculine and masculinity typically denotes respect and security, rather than aggression and dominance? That's ok, we don't need to argue semantics, but when you say certain things come more naturally to him, what are you referring to? And is it because he was born 'better' at decision making (natural) or is it because society has instilled in you the idea that you are worse (conditioned).

You like what you like, as do I. I just wish we didn't live in a world where we are still expected to default to men 'naturally' being the leaders. It doesn't end well for us or our kids

Omg of course they can be used to describe women, but I think if you’re using a catch all phrase to describe an ‘energy’ then that would be what people would think of or what I am using to mean ‘masculine’ in this particular context.

it doesn’t mean either sex is incapable of possessing those traits.

If anyone considers themselves to be insecure, incompetent and indecisive, could they please just own this for themselves and not try to project their weaknesses onto other women?

It isn't what "people" think of at all. It's what you think of.

Most of us have evolved a bit.

@PerkingFaintly maybe hungover is the true essence of this hard to define 'feminine energy' posters are speaking of? In that case it makes sense that we need someone to take charge and keep us safe. I'm useless with a hangover

Yeah gtf with assigning ‘competence’ to the men. You’re no longer just reflecting on your own disney informed relationship aspirations there, you’re making huge statements about how society should be organised. If men are just naturally more likely to be competent then of course they should be in all the top jobs and political positions. In reality highly fucking competent women have always propped up many far less competent men.

We are definitely a team - on the airport example, we'd have agreed what time we needed to arrive for our flight & would be checking out gates etc together and what we needed to do if there were delays/cancellations.

We do a lot of serious walking in the Scottish mountains and team work is really important for that - are we both happy we are on the right route, if the weather changes, it is a joint decision on whether we turn back, are we both in our comfort zone to tackle that ridge etc. I cannot imagine either of us being content to be a passive partner or to have a passive partner.

Not all men are competent though, that’s kind of my point. My definition of masculine encompasses competency. That’s what I look for in a partner. It doesn’t mean I think it’s exclusively for men.

and to be honest, I have a hard job, I’m high-achieving, organised, competent, ambitious, driven etc in my working life.

in my relationship I love just being able to relax and trust he has things sorted. And it’s a relief!

Jeez the first time me and dh were in an airport we discovered we were both very independent. Even now we will generally stride off in opposite directions and when we meet up again have both bought coffees and sandwiches. Hes happy to take over airport admin when for example we had 3 small children to wrangle but equally could be the one with a kid under each arm and shoving the other on the suitcase. I can’t imagine “wanting” him to be in charge. There’s plenty of times my brain is off because he making tea or doing pick up or whatever but it’s never the goal. He is classically masculine, bearded, football lover, beer drinker can’t tell moisturiser from foundation but that doesn’t extend being in charge, he text me options on a broken toilet seat yesterday. And im classically feminine, long hair, quite like a hand bag, enjoying spending time with babies and children but I have always worked full time and wouldn’t want to be kept.

Why is competence associated with masculinity in your head?

Fair enough to seek a partner who is competent. I wouldn't want to shackle myself to someone incompetent either, but I don't see what masculinity/femininity has to do with this. Isn't it just about being a functioning human?

Did your DH not care whether you were competent or not? If he did, does he view competence as a feminine trait because that's what he looked for in a partner? If he didn't, why do you think it mattered to you and not to him?

@Olika this is sort of where I was going with this. A lot of women seem to be very against this - and I was too until recently. But the more I think about it; what is actually wrong with your set up? Yes it makes you venerable I suppose if he was too leave. As long as he takes your wants and needs into consideration when planning stuff (and actually does!) and you don't have to stress about finances and can focus on doing the things you enjoy; is it that bad??

Not all men are competent though, that’s kind of my point. My definition of masculine encompasses competency.

Why do you associate competency with masculinity?
@Muffin777
It sounds like you actually want a personal assistant rather than a partner!

'Masculine energy' is a crock of shite.

I use the drill and do the DIY and unblock the toilet.

When I do it, it's my energy, and because I'm female, that's feminine energy. Hate this gendered bullshit, it does everybody a disservice.

Sometimes my partner puts up shelves. Sometimes he washes up. Because he's a normal functioning human who doesn't squash himself into a stereotypical box, as am I.

🙌🙌🙌

I saw a reel on Instagram about a woman declaring herself to be a passenger princess, just turning up at the airport and doing what she’s told. This seemed to extend to her holiday too, had no idea they’d hired a car or where she was staying or if she needed to have taken her own towels etc.
First of all I thought ‘how fucking pathetic.’ Second of all I thought ‘take some god damn responsibility for your bloody life you idiot!’.
Why anyone would leave themselves at the total mercy of someone else I have no idea.

So I guess dh and I both wear the trousers.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves @ElaineMBenes Do you have to be indecisive to not want to make a decision? What about if you prefer the relief of not always having to make the decisions? It takes trust and bravery for some women (including myself) to actually step back and let other people make decisions, ultimately because growing up I have been so used to fending for myself, and being independent, and not relying on anyone.

I am just stating there are woman out there (and men) that PREFER not to make the decisions, and actually its a relief and mental relief not to have to make them all. and a lot of women actually are starting to say they prefer this. maybe statistically speaking that is more men. Personally, In my immediate circle group all the WOMEN make the decisions, and the men follow.

@xxlouisewellsxx so you want a man to provide for you, take on the financial stuff and leave you to enjoy yourself? Why not just say that instead of all the masculine/ feminine nonsense?

If it is masculine to be a strong capable leader, then it must mean that it is feminine to be weak, incapable and a follower. I'm not that, and I wish we could move away from that narrative 😭

Exactly. It’s a choice. In my relationship. It doesn’t extend to every facet of my life.

I do prefer not having to think about certain things. It’s nice to be able to trust someone who has my interests at heart for once.

I’m far happier and more relaxed now than in any other relationship I’ve been in.