Did you marry the 'masculine' man; or do you wear the trousers?

[xxlouisewellsxx]

Just watched a reel on IG that had a lady walking around the airport following her husband saying she did not need to use a braincell when with her husband (as he is leading her around the airport, checking flight times, generally in control of the situation) I read the comments on the post and they were saying if you are with the right man you relax and feel safe and allow him to lead etc etc...

My experience is the other hand, I am in control of the flight times/destinations/etc etc. These are silly airport examples; but generally filter down to everyday life. Some would say I am in my masculine energy? Do you agree?

Who did you marry? The ‘leader’ man, or the man YOU lead – and how has that worked out for you? My friends husband generally makes all of her decisions on destinations/finances. He calls other men 'not real men' and 'walk overs'. I also see videos of 'masculine' work shops and women saying being in the feminine energy is great - but I always think if you trust the wrong man you are kind of doomed and unhappy, and its too late to leave.

Not slamming anyone, just generally interested in whether you ‘wear the trousers’ and if you prefer it, or are you happily married with a man that takes control of everything and you generally don’t need to worry about much. Is it true, does this ‘allow’ you to step more into your ‘feminine energy’ – I have never experienced this so I am curious.

Are you divorced to a ‘man that leads’ as it didn’t work out? Or the opposite and would like your husband to be more masculine? (I guess those types of men always give out a different aura) Or are you happy making the plans every weekend/making most of the decisions/leading your life.

@Muffin777 surely you should be able to feel safe, emotionally, practically, financially, on your own? It's not psychologically healthy surely to need a relationship with a man to allow that to be the case.

Is there some confusion here about the old fashioned term "man's man"? My DH is certainly not a man's man, he is not laddish in any way despite liking and previously playing football and cricket to a high standard and learning to sail, well. However, he could not unblock a toilet (I do that), change a plug, decorate or pack the boot of the car. He digs in the garden but wouldn't climb a ladder to prune a tree.

He learnt to play the piano as an adult, loves theatre, books and is an opera buff. He is not feminine in any way but will put the hoover round if necessary - it isn't beneath his dignity. He is extremely tidy and cares about his nails and is fussy about his clothes and maintaining them although hardly a fashionista. Never would he wear dirty shoes.

His work tool is his brain.

I am not a huge fan of your language
wearing the trousers, masculine energy is implying that having control of your own life is a male trait.
It is not, I make decisions just as well in a skirt.

Me and DP make our own and joint decisions based on situation (not gender)

I know the type of IG reel you're talking about - there's a few doing the rounds (busy shopping centres etc)
I think it's more to do with being able to switch your brain off - and I know exactly what she means.
In my previous marriage, i was always alert. Always the planner, organiser. If I didn't do something, it didn't get done. He made me feel 'unsafe' in all sorts of ways.
I am now with what I consider to be a 'real man'. I told him about the videos and said i could switch my brain off when i'm with him because he makes me feel safe. He is taking on the mental load of where the exits are, the type of people around, anything that could be a potential threat. He said this is true and he does do this when we're out together.
This doesn't mean i'm a door mat and have no say in anything! It simply means in those scenarios, he shoulders the responsibility of keeping us safe. I don't need him to do this but it's gentlemanly. He walks on the pavement closest to the road for example.
In regards to home life etc - we are completely 50/50. He is the most understanding person I have ever met. He has values and morals.
A man can be a masculine 'mans man' and not an arsehole. It doesn't make you less of a feminist for appreciating what men can bring to the relationship.

I’d really be unpicking your ideas about gendered socialisation if you think that getting flights on time and understanding your own finances is a matter of ‘masculine energy’.

This, and all the many other posts deploring the gratuitous use of "masculine" and "feminine" to describe non-sexed attributes which have perfectly decent adjectives of their own: "organised", "responsible," etc

Why would you even do this?

Not slamming anyone, just generally interested in whether you ‘wear the trousers’ and if you prefer it, or are you happily married with a man that takes control of everything and you generally don’t need to worry about much. Is it true, does this ‘allow’ you to step more into your ‘feminine energy’ – I have never experienced this so I am curious.

Good god this is awful.
We're both adults and we're a team. Neither of us takes control of anything.

What happens if you are an adult who lets someone else take control of everything but you have do some things independently? Like travel alone?

@xxlouisewellsxx refreshing in the sense that every other man I’ve dated has proved themselves to be useless in some way. Can’t make decisions. Weak (mentally and emotionally). Inauthentic.

competency is attractive. I’m also far more secure in how he feels about me because he takes decisive action in order to see me. I’m able to trust him as a result. He never belittles me, tries to control me. Pressure me. We have a certain dynamic but the trust and respect is equal. We just respect each other for what we each bring to the relationship.

yes I agree it’s rare, and I’m still a little scared that it’s all going to go wrong because it just feels so easy and natural right now! But I think if you’re able to lean into being more feminine, I think you naturally attract men who are more masculine.

I found it really hard also as all my life I’ve had to provide that safety for myself, and it’s been a struggle. I want to be able to relax and not worry about certain things. In terms of trusting, I think as long as you have trust in yourself and have strong boundaries (being ‘feminine’ doesn’t mean being walked all over) then you can lean into it more.

we don’t live together but he pays for everything and organises everything. If I have to travel anywhere he’ll ask when I want to travel and then sends me the tickets. When we’re together he opens doors… holds my hand. Just you know. Looks after me and makes sure I’m safe. He drives everywhere. He doesn’t believe women should work with young children if they don’t want to and don’t have to. Which I agree with. I think child rearing is a really important job that’s overlooked in today’s society.

and he loves it, honestly. He always looks so pleased with himself when he’s done something that makes me happy, and I make sure he knows I’m appreciative.

My DH is a natural follower. It goes sometimes drive me mad, but actually, he does balance me out. I am a bit bossy, like things to generally go my way, and I like to organise.

We dont buy into masculinity and femininity. We just play to our strengths. I lead with lots of things im best at, and he takes the reins on things he's best at.

I purposely didn't marry a man who thought beating his chest was masculine or that being aggressive makes you a man. I've seen them, and it normally ends up toxic.

It’s not about need it’s that I don’t have to.

if I’m doing all that for myself in everyday life, why also do it within the dynamic of the relationship. He’s adding something to my life. I want my partner to make me feel all those things. If I’m with a partner.

when I’m not I’m more than capable doing it for myself.

We're definitely a team . We both have our strengths , just using your holiday analogy, i tell him where I want to go and he finds the hotels and flights as i over think and over analyse so I'd never get anything booked but I am the organiser I pack and make sure we have the relevant visas and passports .

Neither. I'd say we're equal but both lead on different things. I would never say DH leads me or that I lead him. We both have different strengths and interests. I think it works well.

What utter rot. How much longer do we have to deal with this sexist drivel?

Your problem here is the terminology and the thinking. You're saying "masculine" "feminine" and that's total bollocks. Even if you want to hark back to some 1950s American suburban approach, what was part of being "masculine" vs what was being "feminine" wouldn't have meant a man making all the decisions etc. The home would still have been the woman's domain - decisions on food, furniture, clothing, family socialising etc etc.

If you're asking if you like to be the leader or the follower in a relationship - personally, the reason I married DH is because I am naturally a leader, decision maker, go getter etc. But I was so tired of meeting men who seemed to think that because of that I didn't need love, care, support or that I always had to do all the thinking. It's a standing joke for us that when I met DH and he asked me out, he not only asked me out, but he suggested a specific day and a specific activity. There was no "what do you feel like doing?" or "when are you free" bullshit. And that is true to today. Might be leaping around getting stuff done, but if I get tired or am sick or just need support, he's there. Meanwhile, there are a whole bunch of things I just don't have to think about because he thinks about them for us.

I am definitely the in charge one. The only times that dh really takes the lead is on stuff I have no interest in. Like I don't care about the leaky roof. Or what sort of mower we have. Otherwise, I make all the decisions. It's not because he is a man child (actually he's a successful company director), but because I have always been the one in charge my whole adult life and he knew this is what he was getting when he signed up for this. 😂I do sometimes wonder what it would feel like to turn over all responsibility for big life decisions and just follow around behind him, but I think it would mostly feel like frustration because, of course, he would do everything wrong!

Well I think to be honest women are starting to realise that ‘feminism’ was a bit of a con. Given now we have to do all the same things as men, but also the majority share of the domestic labour, and child rearing.

we don’t live together but he pays for everything and organises everything. If I have to travel anywhere he’ll ask when I want to travel and then sends me the tickets. When we’re together he opens doors… holds my hand. Just you know. Looks after me and makes sure I’m safe. He drives everywhere. He doesn’t believe women should work with young children if they don’t want to and don’t have to. Which I agree with. I think child rearing is a really important job that’s overlooked in today’s society.

This sounds suffocating and more than a little controlling

Jesus fucking christ, what is this 'masculine/ feminine ' energy shit?

Dh can swing a sledgehammer harder than me.
I can run further and faster.
He's got a bigger, more feminine stomach than me.
He's got more feminine eyelashes.
We're the same height.
He deals with his car, I deal with mine.
We both take charge of the this we're most bothered by. His is cooking, mine is washing etc.

We have different personalities. We like the same music. The only masculine energy he has derives from his testosterone and socialisation.

I don't. We both do our fair share.

I wouldn't accept any less.

I know my opinion as someone in a gay relationship wasn’t asked for, but I’ve decided to share it anyway 😂

I married a woman. We both work full time and share the domestic load dependent on our skill sets and work hours and tolerance - she probably does 75% of the cooking, hoovering and cleaning, I do most of the laundry and washing up and the bin emptying. Share the garden and car jobs. We meal plan and write the shopping list together, i probably do more of the food shopping. We jointly manage our budget, have our own bank accounts (she runs the spreadsheet though because she’s better at excel). We plan big trips and stuff like that together.

There’s no “polarity” in bed, we’re both female, and last time I checked everyone was fairly happy there.

she likes make up and heels and sometimes wears dresses, I’m less interested in that, have short hair and always wear trousers. We both often wear dungarees. I’m the one trying to get pregnant. I wouldn’t change anything about our dynamic.

ultimately I think assigning genders to personality traits, skills, strengths and preferences is outmoded and reductive. People often try to shoehorn me into the “husband” role because of our aesthetic/style choices which i find annoying. As lots of people here who are with men have also said, personally I’d hate to have someone “leading” on loads of key stuff like joint finances and trips and decisions - apart from feeling like I’m being treated like a child, what if something happened to them and I didn’t have a clue how to run the important things in my life?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with looking for certain personality qualities in a partner, it’s just the labelling of it that I think it problematic.

I organise the family holiday.

I do fuck all on my girls' holiday cos my mate does it. I drift around the airport with a vague idea of what I'm doing and where I'm going.

Now I don't know what energy I have.

I am definitely the one that makes most of the decisions. We're about to leave for holiday and husband's role was to book dogs into kennel. Otherwise he just knows the destination country, that's all. I am very happy to leave other things for him to handle though, we're a partnership and nobody feels they need to fight for the 'alpha' role.

I had a boyfriend once who did and decided everything for me. I hated it, I'm not a child.

Aha I was waiting for this one.

On threads like this it never ever takes long before one of the posters propounding masculine/feminine bullshit to drop the mask and tell us that actually, feminism was bad.

FYI being decisive is neither masculine nor feminine. Earning money is neither masculine nor feminine. Protecting your partner while simultaneously feeling protected by them - neither masculine nor feminine. Finding your way around an airport is, and I cannot believe I need to type this in 2024, neither masculine nor feminine. And being "soft, playful, happy and appreciative" is for the love of god neither masculine nor feminine.

Also FYI feminism has only been a means of liberation for me. It's given me the freedom to earn my own money and to be financially independent; it's given me sexual freedom, to have as much of it as I want on my own terms; it's given me role models who showed me that I could actually have a life without domestic drudgery and child-rearing. If it didn't do those things for you, that's on you - not feminism.

A bit of both. I'm a born organiser and a PA so I tend to make all the arrangements but in consultation with DH. So we agree our holiday together but I've done the research, book the flights and hotels and generally get us there! I would actually like him to take the lead more in our social life - I feel that if I didn't organise anything we'd never go out anywhere.....

I married my equal. Though we both have different strengths either of us could probably ‘lead’ anything interchangeably.