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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

804 replies

freddosarebest · 21/02/2024 22:05

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
goingrouge · 21/02/2024 23:15

freddosarebest · 21/02/2024 23:08

Can I ask why posters are talking about domestic abuse/violence from what I’ve said? That’s not the situation from my perspective and I feel even more nervous now.

I'm sorry but you need to feel worried about this. His behaviour is controlling and suffocating. It rarely gets better from there.

Don't put you and your child at risk.

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 21/02/2024 23:17

freddosarebest · 21/02/2024 23:08

Can I ask why posters are talking about domestic abuse/violence from what I’ve said? That’s not the situation from my perspective and I feel even more nervous now.

Because abusers dont start out telling you that you cant see your family, they start out making you feel so uncomfortable about seeing them that you stop doing it yourself. His need to control and dictate your time is concerning, and the fact you are uncomfortable about saying no to him tells me you know this already.
edited to add, they need to isolate you before they ramp up the abuse, so you feel you have nowhere else to go and noone else to turn to

mrsplum2015 · 21/02/2024 23:17

It is an early indicator of violence through his control of you.

Alongside the intensity and seeing each other daily etc.

Also you feeling worried and nervous is not good, listen to your instincts as others have said.

TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 21/02/2024 23:19

Just tell him you will be busy with your mum and if he sulks finish it , it's not worth the aggro and it will only get worse

Takenoprisoner · 21/02/2024 23:21

Dump him op. he is abusive. imagine how great your life will be without this stress. You deserve it, your dc deserve a stress free mum

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 21/02/2024 23:21

Bet he also sulks if you don't want sex...

Channellingsophistication · 21/02/2024 23:25

He is keeping tabs on you. Tell him you want some time with your family. His reaction will tell you what you need to know…

I holiday with DS and my parents without DP once a year!

Original poster
freddosarebest · 21/02/2024 23:25

He always says he feels like he’s not in my life properly and I know he will say that again. I can’t explain it but I just want time with my mum. Maybe because my and his relationship has been a little tense lately and I want some space and to enjoy family time. I had no idea he would pull this as he is literally at the other end of the country supposedly seeing his friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
freddosarebest · 21/02/2024 23:26

The fact I am dreading telling him I want family time speaks volumes. I would never presume like this and if there was even a hint the other person wasn’t keen I’d be like ‘no worries!’ And mean it.

OP posts:
maudelovesharold · 21/02/2024 23:28

I had no idea he would pull this as he is literally at the other end of the country supposedly seeing his friend.

Do you think he’s lying about this?

justasking111 · 21/02/2024 23:28

You really must end this relationship.

Maray1967 · 21/02/2024 23:34

OP, this is not good at all. He is out of order. You have plans to see family and that’s that.

Tell him no and if he kicks off or sulks, dump him. He actually sounds quite unpleasant.

Mmhmmn · 21/02/2024 23:40

That feeling - that tells you everything you need to know about how this man is not good for you.

Thelnebriati · 21/02/2024 23:58

Here's the link to the Freedom Programme website, I hope you'll have a look round the site and consider taking the programme;

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

DancingFerret · 21/02/2024 23:59

freddosarebest · 21/02/2024 22:58

Wow @DancingFerret that feels like a leap? Why DV?

Not a leap, just a well-recognised progression based on what you've described. His behaviour is already controlling to the extent it's unsettling you; what happens when he takes it a step further and starts to give you orders which you ignore? That's the point at which the red mist descends and he takes out his frustration on you. Please tread very carefully.

Noseybookworm · 22/02/2024 00:13

freddosarebest · 21/02/2024 22:22

Last time, he badgered me til I said yes to meeting up. I felt like saying no would lead to a sulk.

So? Let him sulk. And tell him he's behaving like a giant man-baby!

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2024 00:13

freddosarebest · 21/02/2024 22:22

Last time, he badgered me til I said yes to meeting up. I felt like saying no would lead to a sulk.

So? What if he does? It's not world ending, it's pathetic

He can be in a permanent sulk when you ditch him

LifeExperience · 22/02/2024 00:14

He is controlling, probably soon to escalate to abusive. Your body realizes this, even if it's taking your brain some time to catch up. Leave now. You will regret staying with him.

icclemunchy · 22/02/2024 00:27

8 months? No way, I'd ditch him tbh.

If you'd said 8yrs and was the DCs dad I might let him have more leeway and go from the assumption he wanted to spend time with your family too. But not after such a short time!

Popcorn23 · 22/02/2024 00:30

He sounds like the kind of person who will soon say you spend too much time with DC and not enough with him. He will get annoyed if you don't comply. The controlling type.

Also, very few men want to get to know someone's mother - especially after 8 months. Basically he is a walking red flag.

Sk8erboi · 22/02/2024 00:40

Another one to add that this stinks of the early signs of an abusive man.
You feel uncomfortable for a reason, trust your gut and protect yourself.

This is from someone who was you a few years ago and it got progressively worse, I am out the other side now but I'm not the same person and never will be.

TenderChicken · 22/02/2024 00:59

You are scared to assert boundaries because of his reactions. That is some unhealthy shit OP.

PinkArt · 22/02/2024 01:05

You've described his controlling and coercive behaviour. You've also said you are scared of his reaction to your very reasonable request to keep your holiday plans as they are.
Please listen to what literally everyone is saying and get the fuck away from him before this escalates into physical abuse.
This man is not safe.

Escapingafter50years · 22/02/2024 01:10

Read a few pages of the book I linked, starting at the section on page 309 beginning He is Controlling.
Hopefully you will recognise the red flags & get out of this abusive relationship.

Rosindub · 22/02/2024 01:16

SamW98 · 21/02/2024 22:16

You’ve only been with him 8 months and he’s controlling you by invading into your personal time with family and you’re scared to say no to him.

Honestly he’s showing you his red flags loud and clear - don’t ignore your gut, he will only get worse.

And please don’t even think about living with him

Edited

And double up on contraception.