Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

His reaction should be 'That sounds great. Enjoy! See you when you get back.'

His actual reaction is not good. And the fact that you're scared to say no to him? Very bad sign. Massive 🚩 after only 8 months.

Why would a nice guy want to take away the time you have with your mum when he knows that is special to you? You can see him when you’re home.

What's not clear here OP is that while many posters here are decrying him as 'controlling' you admit that you haven't said you don't want him to come. You're scared of telling him that. Why? Is it because he has a past history of kicking off or because you have people pleasing tendencies and feel uncomfortable saying no?

Yes I don’t know if it’s ‘kicking off’ but he has previously sort of sulked or questioned my feelings for him over things I have said no to.

How does the conversation go? Does he say he'll miss you and then you find yourself inviting him? Does he just invite himself?

Feeling he won't let you have that time on your own is a very bright red flag.

Bin him off then.

Jesus, OP, it’s scary that you can’t see how unreasonable this is! Ditch him and take some time to work on your boundaries before dating again.

Yeah he just invites himself like today he out of the blue was like ‘I’m driving down there with a friend, we could meet up’ and it just threw me. Now I’m stressing about saying no.

Don't you ever watch the documentaries about stalking /controlling bf's?
Make your own plans. See him another time. Say that. Or say goodbye. Ltb is better option imo.

Last time, he badgered me til I said yes to meeting up. I felt like saying no would lead to a sulk.

I'd be unimpressed if my husband of 30 years did this, let alone a partner you've pretty much only just met.

This is a huge red flag.

Dump this man.

Be thankful that he showed you who he was so soon.

Does he get jealous or paranoid about you at other times? Question you about male friends and colleagues?

It probably is a big red flag, but on the off chance that he's just a bit overzealous, why don't you just be honest with him.

Come back with how he responds and then we can definitely confirm whether or not he's a red flag.

It's just logistically bizarre. He hasn't met your children yet. Your children will be on this holiday. Therefore he can't go on it. End of. Why would you want to not spend time with your children on holiday? Why should your mum miss out on seeing you? This isn't simply a question of him being present changing the dynamic, you literally have to stop having your holiday and go and do something different in a different place with him.

@CryptoFascist mainly about my ex. Not terribly though. But a bit.

Say no thank you, I just want to see my mum on this occasion. I will see you when I get back.

He's being very unreasonable OP, you know that.

Your priorities are your children and your mum, not someone you've known for such a short period of time.

He sounds very needy- I've had several relationships like this- one who used to insist on picking me up after work do's in the guise of safety etc - even after I said no thanks- I think he worried I would find someone better and wanted to make sure I never had a minute to myself in case I did

No, it's not reasonable for him to keep tabs on you.

It is reasonable for you to want and plan time alone or with your family.

Is he saying you're unreasonable?
Is he saying he's reasonable?
He's wrong on both counts.

His plan to disrupt your visit with your mum and redirect all your attention to him is a sign of a deeply immature and insecure man who is very controlling and a complete loser.

This man will bring you great unhappiness if you continue to be involved with him.

@tribpot exactly. I just want to chill with her and dc, not even go off for a day. I can see him this time next week, what’s the big deal? I’m just annoyed this stress has come into my holiday. And the stress feels like it comes from no not being an option. When he had already booked his own trip to see a friend, so I thought. I don’t really care if his friend wants him to drive him somewhere. I had plans this week.

It's not sounding great, honestly. Do you think he trusts you to be away for a whole week without him? It's concerning that he's finding reasons to keep tabs on you. Also sad that this is overshadowing your positive feelings about your trip to see your mum.

I think you are all right. God this sucks as I do really like him but I’m sick of worrying about his reactions and I do think he is clingy. I know if we don’t speak at least every day on this trip he will also sulk.

You were looking forward to a holiday with dc and mum..the fact that you feel u sure about telling him this directly and unambiguously screams a red flag. Tell him no. Or work on why on earth you can't say no. Either way, it's not right.
And "not letting you" is also an issue. He doesn't own you, he's only juts come into your life and ecwn if he'd been it for ever, you don't need permission . You are a grown up!!!

🚩🚩🚩Surely you just tell him no you've already made your plans. If he sulks and complains he's not a keeper.