Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

@freddosarebest, he’s a monster who will destroy you and your child if you don’t cut him off immediately. He’s a pathologically coercive narcissist who enjoys love-bombing his target/supply before excoriating and tormenting them, then discarding. It is extra gratifying if he can lure his victim into repeating the cycle with him time after time.

He is already abusing your daughter through you, as you’re ‘a wreck,’ so are not emotionally healthy and fully present for her. The truth is he will crush her spirit and worse if she is exposed to him, just as he is shattering you now. It’s chilling to know that he is anywhere in her orbit.

You must get professional help. You must stop ruminating and micro-analyzing. It is impossible to ‘figure out’ the chaos and toxicity created by these monsters. They thrive on it.

Get out now and stay out.

Well done for blocking him.👍

If he does anything that frightens you, contact the police. It is also a good idea to let friends and family know what is going on, partly to support you, but also in case he tries to contact you through them. It would be best if they all block his email and phone number too.

It is useful to have a plan for how you will react if he shows up. For example, if you are not with your child/children and he accosts you in the street, shout loudly “leave me alone” to alert others around you, and run. Home or into a shop, or whatever. If he lurks outside your house, call the police.

If he accosts you outside when your children are with you, tell him calmly to leave you alone, or you will call the police. Don’t engage in conversation. Only repeat you will call the police if he doesn’t leave now. Then call them.

It will make your anxiety right now easier, if you have a prepared response.

It will also be a good idea to call a helpline that can advise specifically on how to respond in such situations.

I expect he will at first be angry you dared block him, and “punish” you by not trying to contact you, assuming you will crack and call him. Then, when you don’t he will probably try to reach you to persuade you that you are being unreasonable.

Hopefully it won’t be too long before you can stop wondering about him all the time. I recommend getting counselling to help you shift your attention onto yourself; partly to take your mind off him a bit, but also because you deserve your own attention.

Well done for blocking him! It is scary, but you’ll get through this. Do you have a friend you can confide in.
Keep posting here too, there are lots of people supporting you (ignore the ones who are making snarky comments).

This!

Well done for blocking him, that is a really positive step. Set up a filter so emails go to a separate folder too (just in case emails are still coming in).

Honestly, we'll done for blocking him. My first long term relationship was with one of these. Love bombing is an amazing weapon. You end up having so much love thrown at you that you stop loving yourself because the demand has been met by someone else. It's why you feel empty when it stops. It's why you let boundaries get trampled. Therapy is a good idea if you can find one that suits you.

If he approaches you in public don't be afraid to ask someone to call the police on your behalf.

Did you tell him its over? Or did you just block?
You need to make sure it is clear.
He knows where you live. Has he got any possessions there? If so you need to return them or he will gave a reason to come to your house.
He may start sending flowers etc.
Dont accept.
Change your home lock.
Tell your DC a story that prepares them for a visit/accosting in street.
He probably wont give up quickly.
Any sign if him hanging about, call the police

Well done OP. You'll need all your inner determination to put yourself first and get out of this toxic dependency on this unpleasant and frankly dangerous man. Focus on you and your family.

Did you break up with him before blocking him? What was his reaction?
Well done though 👏

And then it was, if you don’t want me to meet your daughter maybe we shouldn’t be having sex, because to him sex is a serious thing.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a man threatening to withdraw sex as a means of punishment or control before.

Whenever you find yourself going over the ‘perfection’ of your relationship OP just repeat these 5 words -

But it was a lie

He told me he loved me
But it was a lie

He showed me he loved me by constantly texting to check on me and sending thousands of love emails
But it was a lie

We had intense sex and he told me how meaningful it was to him
But it was a lie

We talked about the future together
But it was a lie

He said he was happy for me to be independent
BUT IT WAS A LIE

When you say he wants a relationship ‘that’s amazing’ - that only exists for a certain period - not all the time.
Anyone in a happy, healthy relationship will tell you there are ups and downs. There can’t not be, that’s real life. Some are trivial, some are massive, depending on what life throws at you. It sounds like he is chasing an idea he has created in his mind that doesn’t exist. He needs to grow up.

What exactly does ‘amazing’ look like to him? A partner who will do exactly what he says 24/7 and who instinctively knows what he wants without direction/ threat/ strong guidance? He’s already shown he’s inconsistent bc you said he was happy for you to be independent and now he’s changed his mind!!! How the hell are you expected to keep up with and please someone like that?!

And please explain to us exactly why a man like him deserves to be in an amazing relationship. What does he actually contribute other than flattery? What has he done for you other, than lovebomb you with bloody emails, texts to check up on you and emotionally draining hours-long phone calls?? Has he supported you? Has he helped you in any way that isn’t self-serving to him? Is he a positive soul to be around?

From what you’ve said he is highly critical of you, as well as other people he doesn’t know, is highly-strung, overly-emotionally dependent, unpredictable, intimidating, gaslighting and a fantasist. How can you ever fulfil his expectations, and if you could, would that really make you happy?

Of course not. So what’s the point?

It’s only been 8 months. He was using his 9 month cut off point as a means to induce anxiety and to get you to toe the line in case he unceremoniously dumps you - who the hell does he think he is?? Leonardo DiCaprio?!!!! The man needs a reality check.

I wish you’d pointed this out to him as it sounds like he is in great need of taking down a peg and mocking. That would be his worst nightmare I’m sure. To be exposed as the pathetic, condescending, ridiculous little man - who’s hardly God’s gift, far from ‘alternative’, and more like a spoilt teenaged girl - that he is. That’s all he is.

Men like him will never be happy or satisfied. Even if he were to find some poor, pathetic creature who had no personality or confidence (but DID have their own house and a good job) and would do everything she could to accommodate him, boost his ego and never answer him back - would this make him happy? Of course not! He would find fault somehow or drive her to the edge and have to move onto his next victim.

8 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things - use this as a lesson of what NOT to put up with in your next relationship. You will shudder when you think of him in the future and what you put up with, but it’s a lesson learned. Hopefully you will meet someone who will be the polar opposite of this clown, but for now, being single is going to be far healthier for you than absorbing any more of the toxicity from him.

I read an article about friendship which applies to all relationships. You can divide ppl in your life into drains and radiators.

Radiators provide warmth, comfort and well-being and leave you feeling emotionally nourished when you leave their company.

Drains suck out all your positivity and leave you feeling depleted and worn out.

This man isn’t a drain he’s a sewer.

Leave his shit far behind and surround yourself with radiators - and enjoy your life with your DC x

@Fallingirl has the advice you need to follow to the letter.

I am sorry he has put you through this very intense ordeal. It is an indication that he won’t give up easily….after a period of punishing you with silence.

Don't ever be tempted to think that letting him back into your life is the lesser of two evils. Promise yourself you will not engage with him ever again…..no communication whatsoever.

After all the gaslighting and hurt he has put you through, after all the time he has stolen away from your dc, just remember he actually had nothing to offer you anyway, nothing that would enhance your life in any way. All he did was take your sanity in an effort to get total control of you. You have saved yourself and your dc by blocking him.

Well done OP. Wishing you well.

OP you say you want to work out why he's doing this. It's as simple as because you didn't do what he wanted. That's it. Everything would be 'amazing' for him if you simply comply with his demands, let him control your time, your kids etc. He doesn't want someone with an ounce of independence. This really is one of the most sinister threads I've read on here.

Well done OP. Credit where it’s due that takes an enormous amount of strength and courage which he won’t think you’ll be capable of possessing. You’ve showed him that unlike him you’re strong and will fight for your peace. Life is for living and he’s not worth any more headspace. If he reacts badly, call the police and let them deal with him. You can do this. Spend all the time with your DC and your lovely mum you can because believe me she won’t be around forever and you can never get lost time back. Don’t waste it on people who wouldn’t jump puddles for you when you’d climb mountains for them.

"It’s like I’m addicted to a drug."

In a way, that's exactly what it is.

And the only way to break the addiction is to go cold turkey.

Good news that you've blocked him.
To make it absolutely clear, you could have said something spelling it out this is final - it wasn't working for either of you. Don't get drawn into further agonising - he'll feed on anything you say to try to keep getting at you.
If he then says he wants to finish with you, that's what you want too isn't it?
Good advice sent already on here about how to get on with your life. I hope you can put this in the past.

Well done for blocking OP.

You love a man who does not exist.

I was where you are 4 months ago and when it became obvious to ex I was done he targeted everything important to me: I was a shot mum, no man would want me etc. Its designed to make you doubt yourself. Don't buy it. It's deflection. You are a wonderful parent, successful woman and your friends and family cherish you.

4 months on I don't think about him. I thrive without him. You will thrive without this guy too.

Do not unblock him. Get advice from womens aid or police as you have left an abusive relstionship as its a dangerous time. Don't answer unknown calls or doors. If he knows where your kids school is apart them.

I promise it gets easier. My own experience has taught me so much and I hope if my child was ever in a similar situation it means I'm better equipped to support them. It's the only good I can take from it. Always a pm away. If you are near me always up for a coffee as rebuilding your life without them is hard they cause so much damage to everything.

You need to know the different things he might try and plan how to deal with them.

You need to stay very firm on not engaging with him. He's going to try to get more four hour conversations out of you and you're going to want to justify yourself and try to make him see your point of view.

Oh if only I could explain myself just right then he'll understand and everything will be ok.

No.
It won't.

You're saying can't understand when the truth is he understands just fine. He doesn't care. You don't matter to him as anything other than something to use and to play with - yes I said something and I meant thing. You're never a someone to such men, you're only ever a something.

You need to truly understand that what you seek from him is unrealistic of you.

You will sprout wings, fly and shit out a rainbow before you will gain any sort of understanding why he does what he does or get him to see how you feel.

He is an abuser. He doesn't care how you feel. You are not a human being to him. You are a toy. A tool. An object to control. He only sees your feelings in terms of how he can use them against you.

You will never get him to change so you have to be the one to change and you do that by keeping him blocked, refusing to have any more of these ridiculous conversations with him if he does manage to contact you, putting the phone down on him, and reporting him to the police for harassment.

At some point you have to stop putting your hand in the fire and wondering why you get burned.

This thread is almost full - I think they allow 40 pages. Please come back and tell us how you are. Start another thread if needs be. We’ll be worried about you. Remember how your strength can be an inspiration for other women going through similar.

Great points!

You could have a look at a therapist called Emma Davey who specialises in recovering from narcissistic abuse. I can't afford therapy with her (£120 an hour 😳) but she has some useful videos on her Facebook profile and a free app and website that helps identifying emotional abuse, gaslighting etc as well as recovering from it. Here's a link to one of her videos on Facebook (fingers crossed!) https://www.facebook.com/reel/775662494471998

And here's her website: https://www.mytraumatherapy.co.uk/

I read an article about friendship which applies to all relationships. You can divide ppl in your life into drains and radiators.

Radiators provide warmth, comfort and well-being and leave you feeling emotionally nourished when you leave their company.

Drains suck out all your positivity and leave you feeling depleted and worn out.

I am going to write that down somewhere @Sceptical123. That is a good way at looking at relationships and the extreme ends of them.

Thanks @Mothership4two it really helps categorise people in a simple way. I suppose people can switch between the two depending on circumstances which are affecting them, but in general, they mainly fall into either camp. It also helps you to reflect on how others perceive you and to act accordingly 😊

Glad he's finally blocked - secure he's blocked everywhere OP.

It's frightening how much control over you he has after eight months - imagine if it was years, not months. What if you were living with him, pregnant by him, dependent upon him?

This relationship is toxic- he knows exactly what he's doing and his manipulation of you has worked the majority of the time. I'm willing to bet you're not the first woman he's behaved that way to.

Thank goodness you are waking up to this but you need to continue to protect yourself, and the decisions you make for your life, and the lives of your children without him getting more into your head than he already is. You don't need to analyse him any more - just see the effects he is having on you and ensure he has no more access to you any more - not out of guilt, or fear of what he'll react or anything else. 🌹

Its psychological warfare from him so no wonder you're freaked out. It's even common when being attacked by a narcissist for it to be so bad that your whole body starts to shake uncontrollably. As if you've been poisoned or something.

That's your instincts fighting to tell you you are under attack.

And it's human to want to resolve the fear and the mental anguish they've put you through. But you will not get resolution or healing from them. Knifes are there to hurt you, not to make you better. Resist any urge to go to the source of the pain thinking they will make it better.

Keep him blocked, do not answer your door to him. If he shows up, shout 'leave or I'll call the police'. If he doesn't then call them.

Make sure to change your locks just incase.
Have a friend drop any of his stuff at his parents place. Or post it to him recorded delivery.

If he does find a way to message you, do not reply. Or reply simply, 'we are over and I want no further contact. Do not contact me again'. If he persists, call the police.

Do not be persuaded to meet him in person. You do not owe him that no matter what he claims. It's more bs manipulation. Remember 'No' and 'because I don't want to' are complete sentences too. They don't have to be explained, justified or expanded upon.