Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

Are you serious?

You're letting a man tell you what to do like being allowed to go on holiday wirh your own family? Especially after 8 months?

You will regret it in time not spending time with your family.

Chuck this one back into sea before you go!

Get out of the fog op, life will be much more relaxed for you without this man by the sounds of it.

Do you want your life to be dominated by his sulks or avoiding them? He's emotionally manipulating you. And his moods and demands are going to gather force and more ground in your life the longer this relationship continues. You sound perfectly sensible and pleasant- your children do not need to ever meet or be affected by his emotions. Sadly I agree with everyone- get out now.

Controlling and coercive behaviour - sulking when you don't do what he wants. You feel nervous to tell him no. He is not a good man or a good partner. He wants to control the way you behave. He is absolutely textbook for the start of a domestically abusive relationship.

I booked a holiday with my best friend in January, to fly on 31 August. On 4 July she met a man. By the end of that month he was kicking off and telling her to cancel it because "Joanne's single and will be looking for sex and is a bad influence." (Not true btw). She ignored him and went.

18 months later she's punched in the face because she said hello to a mate of her brother's in a club. She immediately dumped him and never looked back. I was so proud of her for ignoring his begging messages.

It turns out he'd forced her into sex throughout the relationship, sulked if she was tired, drank too much and stole.

Be warned.

Indeed. This guy you are dating should have zero impact on your familial relationships !

OP, you seem like you have your head screwed on. Well done for not introducing him to your DC. Please listen to the others who say he is manipulating you. He is creating situations to see you and it sounds like he's not telling the truth. I think he likes you more than you like him/he can't handle your independence/ the fact you don't 'need' him. I love my OP dearly (don't live together, both have children) but I only see him twice a week/ wouldn't dream of trying to take him away from his children/ family when he chooses to spend time with them. Please reconsider this relationship x

OP you just don't seem to want to hear what everyone is saying to you. You asked for advice but then act shocked when so many people give you the same advice. All you need to do is educate yourself about how abusive men behave and you will clearly see all this for yourself. However I feel you don't really want to hear it. You must know this isn't right. Do yourself and your kids a favour and GET OUT. Like many others on here, I have lived this too and it was horrendous and ruined my life for quite some time. But you have an opportunity to end this now so please just listen to your instincts and to everyone giving you the same advice. I wish you well OP.

Run

I just feel a bit freaked out tbh. I have felt something was off for quite a while but I didn’t see it as so extreme until I’ve been away a day or so. I do intend on reading more about this and I am not encouraging his communications, I’m not going to meet up with him.

Tell him to get fucked

Not minimising what you're saying about being scared, which in andmof itself in suck a new relationship,should be enough to stop it, you're hooking to go on holiday to the same area as him, at the same time as him, and you're surprised he wants to meet up? Why did you not book a different week, so there couldn't be an overlap? But ultimately having a conversation scares you, you shouldn't be in the relationship

No @SD1978 have you read my posts? He had booked to go and see a friend the other end of the country. I booked to take dc to meet up with my mum. Now he has said that he and his friend are driving down here (a very long drive). That wasn’t the plan and I just don’t want to meet up as it eats into precious time with my mum who lives overseas. We didn’t plan to be in the same area in the same time (although we do LIVE in the same area all the time! And see each other loads)

I did read your posts- you stated your both going overseas for the same week, and you booked it after he booked- my assumption was it isn't that big a country, but obviously that's not the case- wasn't actually that clear- sorry!

End it now.

I wouldn't want him anywhere near my kid.

You are repeating yourself. You feel odd, and you're too frightened to tell him. Why can't you communicate with him. Read all your posts again. You can't tell him the things you want to tell him. You can't communicate properly. Thats not good.

I'd react with.
No, sorry, maybe next time when the kids have met you.
It's a relaxed time with my Mum. I want to spend quality time with her. We can do something nice together next week.

Any nice boyfriend would want his DP to have a close relationship with their own mother so will understand completely.

Perhaps he is availing himself, should you wish to indroduce him. Again, if he is genuinely nice he will let you choose the time and place for meeting kids and will not be remotely upset to hear NO.

I'd dump him right now. Being spontaneous does not mean you get to crash through people's quite reasonable boundaries because you feel like it. I wouldn't be walking away, I'd be running. The fact that you are worrying about telling him "No" is the biggest red flag in this whole thing. Enjoy spending time with your mum. I don't have my mum any more and I regret that I didn't spend more time with her and miss her very much.

I actually disagree with all posters. I think it’s odd for him to do but I don’t think it’s controlling, as much as it screams he is insecure on the relationship and it isn’t going as he would like which later posts confirm. I think he is playing games to try and unfurl do you, I think you both are, it’s immature. You can absolutely call a partner of 8 months a DP and not just a boyfriend, people saying otherwise at talking absolute nonsense, 8 months isn’t an insignificant amount of time. I was pregnant with my partner by 12 months and have now been together over ten years and have four children, if someone had said that to me at 8 months I’d have been highly offended. Different people expect things at different rates depending on how serious they are.. seems to me he is very serious about you and you are unsure so you should just let him go now and save him the heartache. I think him expecting to meet your children after 8 months is not unreasonable at all and it sounds like the fact he hasn’t is making him insecure in the relationship and causing him to react in emotional/silly ways. It could be argued you are over cautious. You sound incompatible. You should discuss it all like adults. I think he is basically going the wrong way about testing you.

This is coercive control. It is a form of DV.

Dump him asap.
Its only a few months into the relationship and this will get way worse !
He’s possessive and doesn’t trust you either, hence his long drive to other end of country to check you out.

Listen to the good advice on here.

Many of us have been there and done that.

Your language is very telling

"Won't let me"
"Will sulk"
"The thought of telling him.makes me stressed"

I think you'd be very wise to do some research into control and family harm. Everything you've said here is textbook controlling/abusive behaviour.

If you find you tend to get into unhealthy relationships, it's a signal that you need to take time alone to identify your boundaries, values etc and how to preserve them. Once you're comfortable with that, ypu will automatically be repelled by the bastards and drawn to the nice guys.

You’re telling the wrong person, @freddosarebest

Info that may be helpful

You are wise to not let him or any other man near your dc until they have shown themselves over many months to be a “good un”

This one definitely isn’t.

That’s what is alarming. He’s so insecure/annoyed that you’re doing something without him he has changed his plans. What was the reason he gave? What has he told his friend? Has he cut their trip short / changed their plans so he could race to where you are to ensure you prove to him and your family that he is the most important one to you, by doing what he wants you to do? Would he be less bothered if you were away with friends? Is it the fact it’s your family that is getting to him? I bet he’d be just as jealous of your close friends - altho he himself is spending time with his friend - which presumably you didn’t have a problem with - SO WHY THE DOUBLE STANDARDS?

Draw this to his attention. Question him. Would he be racing across the country to spend time with you if you were away with the girls?

He’s jealous of the connection you have with with your family and is already working to undermine that. If he ever moved in with you he would limit the time your kids could spend in the house when they grew up and make it clear it was his house too and you were being unreasonable etc. she would also have more influence over you bc he could make your life hell by mood swings and the silent treatment so it was just easier for you to keep him happy by doing what he wants all
the time.

He wants you all to himself and your focus to be on him. That won’t change, and it’s not flattering and testament to how much he cares for you. This is all about him and you proving how much you care for him.

You already see him on a regular basis - you would not be compelled to spend all your time together at the expense of seeing friends and family if you were married! You need to make clear how important your family is in your life and that that will never change and if he has a problem with that then it will not work between you.

Take control OP. I think you should end the relationship anyway but if you feel you want to give it another chance with the new perspective you have gained from this thread you very much need to assert yourself. Tell him what you want to happen going forward. Don’t be passive. Don’t be afraid of him leaving. He’s not this excellent catch you should be afraid to lose. You need to test how he will react to boundaries bc that will indicate what your long term relationship with him will
be.

If he reacts badly show him you are annoyed!