Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

Another one chiming in to say "run" and don't look back

I think you already know what you need to do/say. Every reply you give just adds more info about him and his behaviour which you seem to know are not normal.....

Oh god everything you say just makes it worse! You sound lovely, please don't mistake the few moments when he's nice to you cloud the fact that he's a controlling, manipulative, nasty person.

I really wish for you to disentangle yourself before it gets any worse.

I dont know why you're not running from this guy who is waving so many red flags, for some reason you don't trust that little voice inside you which has made you post here.

Have a read of this highly regarded book about abusive men by Lundy Bancroft & you will get a better understanding of what's ahead of you if you don't break off this dangerous, controlling situation
www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

You're being too nice and putting his feelings before your own. All you're trying to do is to see your mum, ffs. Imagine if you cave in on this - you'll never see her on her own again without a huge argument and tantrums or worse from him.

Tell him it's over and that you think it's moving far too fast for you. I would send a message rather than do it face to face as he'll try to persuade you to change your mind.

Does he have anything at your place?

I just do not understand why you would want to stay with someone like this. I mean, he makes you feel uncomfortable, doesn't he? Do you want to stay with him, do you want this person to be your partner? Why so many people think it is better to have bad partner then none at all? Get rid!!!

Yes, he does make me a bit uncomfortable. It’s odd because I can’t say exactly why. It’s just a feeling. He gets irritated at little things and is trying to push a very intense relationship unlike other ones I have had. I just want some space sometimes.

If he was reasonable you wouldn't feel nervous about asking your boyfriend of less than a year for permission to take your children to se your mother.

In your shoes I'd end it, and I'd also check him using Clare's Law.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-factsheet

"Won't let you"? You can do whatever you want OP. Tell him to sod off.

Your answer to this is ,,,

... Have a great trip with your friend, I'll be busy with my mother so I'll see you when I get back home.

The instances you've described, OP, are the early stages of DV; it will only get worse.

Please end the relationship for your own safety and that of your DC.

Wow @DancingFerret that feels like a leap? Why DV?

OF COURSE IT DOESN’T!!!!

Give your head a wobble OP!

He needs to be in control. He needs you to do what he wants you to do. Do you not realise that him asking for ‘just an afternoon’ is him attempting to maintain his hold over you by you agreeing to his demand? It could be an hour or 5 minutes - it’s disrupting your plans and confirming his importance/dominance- if you agree then mentally he will have achieved his big TICK - YES! She has done what I said even though she didn’t want to. He will allow you to do this thing without him, but it is still on his terms.

If you dump him I can guarantee (after the anger and silent treatment has passed) he will begin to love bomb you and apologise and win you over so that you begin your relationship with him again - AND THEN HE WILL DUMP YOU.

It will drive him insane that you’ve asserted yourself against him and have taken the power away. He will want/need it back so that he can be the one to end things.

If he ends things before you do, following your next chat - just tell him two words -

Thank you.

Stay strong OP, you can do this x

Dear OP, you say you do not know why he makes you uncomfortable, its just a feeling. Well, these are your instincts telling you to run away. This happens more then you know, that we get trapped into relationships that appear to be normal but are not. It takes a long time for some of us to identify what the problem is. We are all raised to look at abuse in terms of physical one, but abuse comes in all shapes and forms, and is often subtle and hard to detect. All you know is that something is off. This happened to me, you know. I spent over 25 years with someone like this and had three kids with him before I realized what is going on and broke it off.

Please listen to your instincts, they are most important then what any of us are saying. You KNOW this is wrong, you know that he should not be doing this, all you need to do is break it off. You do it sooner rather then later.

Op your gut is talking to you.. Ffs listen to it.

There's your red flag....

I’m really worried for OP’s safety. The guy sounds like he possibly has MH issues. He’s certainly displaying domestic abuse.

It’s easy to say break it off, he could have the potential to become a stalker. I’d look him up, as another OP has suggested, under Clare’s law bc he may have from for this.

The last thing I want to do is frighten OP into staying with him so as not to anger him, but please be extra careful and ensure you have a support network should he become (God forbid) a threat.

Sending you lots of hugs OP, this is a shit situation, I’m really sorry x

He's a line of red bunting.

Can I ask why posters are talking about domestic abuse/violence from what I’ve said? That’s not the situation from my perspective and I feel even more nervous now.

He sounds so suffocating. You're walking on eggshells. Get rid of this loser. Major red flags.

Oh god @freddosarebest you need to end this now.
Read your posts back. This is exactly how abusive relationships start.
It might not be yet but it has all the signs. All of them.

No-one should ever make you feel like this. It is not ok.

Run run run. Well done for not introducing your children to him. I guarantee you this is just the start! Clingy, needy, possessive; they all start with emotional blackmail “if you love someone OF COURSE you feel jealous if they speak to a man” and similar bullshit. Go and spend time with your mum and children and break away from this man.

Because it sounds like coercive control, which is domestic abuse, which is illegal -

My thiughts are you that desperate for a boyfriend? He does not sound like anyone you should ever introduce your DC to.

I’d send a message along these lines before you’re next due to see him again -
’Hi X. Just to say, I shan’t be able meet you during the week’s holiday with my family. Thought I’d better let you know asap so you can plan your break too. We don’t get to spend much family time together, and have plans/things booked every day, which I really don’t want to change. It’s only a week, and we can look forward to catching up when we’re both back!’
As well as setting out for him what’s going to happen, his response will tell you everything you need to know!