Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

This guy is fucking terrifying.

"he blames it on our incompatibility" - if you are incompatible why stay together?

"if we want to live together in future we should trial it by spending most of our time together" - desperately trying to get his claws into you. You don't want to live together do you? - for very good reasons people have pointed out.

“I can’t emotionally support us both. I don’t think you’re very stable” - he doesn't have to emotionally support you if you're not together (and he wouldn't anyway)

“I’ll find someone else who wants that kind of relationship" - if he does I feel sorry for them but it doesn't have to be you

"I want a relationship that’s amazing" - amazing for him maybe, if he can find someone who is prepared to be a doormat.....

Etc etc.

It's just rubbish - don't be fooled. And not consistent with a loving relationship
(consistently inconsistent maybe)

I'm BEGGING you, PLEASE STOP analysing every single thing. You've been told by hundreds of people on here that this guy is highly manipulative, controlling and abusive.

The only way to deal with him is to completely cut him off, cold turkey, block him and STOP.

This guy is suffocating ME just by reading your posts, no wonder he's made you feel this way, but I beg you to stop, he is winning and is getting off on manipulating and controlling you.

"We're not compatible, you want a different relationship to what I can give you. Please do not contact me again." Then BLOCK.

"I don't think you're very stable.", said the nutty bastard.

@freddosarebest I mean this with kindness and empathy for how awfully you have been treated but you need to stop. Stop analysing and torturing yourself.

You are trying to work him out, understand why he did this and what he means and it it's driving you mad. You won't understand him and you don't need to.

Delete his number, delete/block him on everything and focus on moving on.

Spend some time learning about and understanding yourself and caring for yourself.
I'm glad you've been doing some reading and it's great to think about those patterns for you but without blame. You didn't do this, he did:

Stop trying to fathom out a cunt...
Promise yourself when you wake up tomorrow he will be an ex and you won't give him anymore head space. Or he will drag you down..
You have dc to consider..
Start being very thankful they never met him.

He is a total control freak, please bin him as he doesn’t offer you any positive feelings or support. It’s all about him.

Look - here are a couple of example of how a normal trusting relationship works.

I wanted to go to a concert to see the pop star Id loved as a teenager - my partner didnt want to come to the show, but he bought me a 'meet and greet VIP' ticket, and wished me luck

My partner isnt wildly keen on holidays, but happily waves me and the kids off, even contributes to it financially, drives me to the airport and back, and happily chats via Whatsapp of an evening, though perhaps not every evening if Im busy/he's busy.

My partner is still good pals with his ex from 20 odd years ago. She comes round when Im not there. I dont mind. she's nice. sometimes I am there. Its never weird.

My partner had no ill thoughts of me staying with my male friend for a week when I had a works training course to attend in his city.

When I went off alone for a 2 week break in a European city, to do an archaeological trip, there wasnt a whiff of an issue, and he stayed at my house to look after the kids

and yes. Im sorry, you have been conned. You have been duped. You feel that way because it is true. Your instinct is correct.

Totally agree with the above few posts. Just stop trying to analyse and understand this creature. He’s an abusive cunt - that’s as much as anyone needs to understand. You’ll send yourself fucking insane trying to work out how his twisted manipulative mind works. You can never understand him because you don’t think in the same abusive way.

Please stop letting him occupy your headspace. Every minute you waste on this wanker is another minute you’re neglecting your DC. Think of them not yourself.

OP I'm beginning to think you quite like the drama.

@crockofshite and anyone else who thinks I ‘like drama’, please just ignore this thread. Maybe you have not been in a situation like this where over 8 months you get broken down and drawn in by a guy who said they loved you in a way they never loved anyone, etc etc etc, talked about the future like a certainty, guilted and manipulated me into travelling miles, talking for hours, having all the intense sex, sending thousands of words of love letters via email, and then they withdraw and punish you, then come back, then things are amazing then you go away and suddenly they’re gone to shit, and they say that they were never actually ok with your “independence” - he literally said this and said to forget what he said in the past as actually he doesn’t want a partner who prizes independence, and so now here I am invested and almost traumatised in this addictive feeling. Like the drama? I haven’t felt this low in years. I actually am a good parent and I have held down my job but he has just bulldozed through with zero responsibilities of his own. I’m trying to process how I let this happen. No, I don’t like or enjoy it. Talk about victim blaming.

OP, I think the comment about you liking the drama is based on how much energy you're devoting to analysis of the situation. I think for your own sake you need to just stop that, now, if you truly want the situation to be over. An ending where you're with him and all his previous promises/statements come true.... that isn't going to happen, I'm afraid, and analysis won't make it so.

You've dodged a bullet sweetheart, you really have. Easy to say don't give him headspace but instead try and limit it for now and just post on here to get it out, then go back to giving your energy to your kids and family and not him. If he pops in your head, busy yourself with something that will have to refocus your attention.

Abusers aren't really known for their empathy and kindness... of course they are fucking cruel. They. Are. Abusive.

You are trying to compare his actions as though he is a normal human being with normal human frailties. He isn't, and that is how abusers grind you down.

@freddosarebest - the way he has ramped this up in only eight months makes me extremely concerned he is the type to take all this further. The type where only a death will end it. You want to leave your children motherless? Seek official help to leave, inform the authorities, and take their advice on how to leave safely. You will never be safe while you speak to him, neither will your children. I cannot be plainer than this. And on this note I am out, I can't take any more if you refuse to listen to any of us. Good luck in finding your way.

@freddosarebest It’s quite chilling reading each new post. You are beginning to sound a bit obsessive. You are bending yourself into a pretzel trying to figure out his twisted mind. He is like your heroin. It was a lovely high in the beginning but now it feels bad. You keep going back for another hit just to see if you get the same high you felt in the beginning. You can either keep going until it destroys you AND your children’s lives, or you can go cold Turkey! Which will it be?

Have you actually broken up with him yet?

You've had lots of advice but you need to follow through with it.

Tell him he is right, you're not for him and he deserves someone who's able to give what he wants.

Then block block block

I don’t know why you’re confused by his behaviour OP when ppl have mentioned LOVEBOMBING on here so often. He was never a nice guy that you have pissed off and are turning yourself inside out to get back - he never existed.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this loser had studied tactics from such legends as Andrew Tate and the many more misogynists who promise a power over women for £££££

Treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen is juvenile but sadly effective and sounds like it’s been working like a charm on you OP.

No matter what you do the good times won’t last bc there will always be some element he’s not happy with and wants to change. Have you asked why he wants to be with you if all he does is find fault and want to change you? Why is he still with you? Ask yourself what you do/will provide for him. A house, a servant, a scapegoat, a possible punchbag, a ready made family, an ego boost, sex…. Power.

What’s he provide you?

What on earth were your mother and child doing while you were on the phone for 4 HOURS with this arsehole. Do you think they haven’t noticed? Do you think this hasn’t/isn’t affecting them?

You are allowing this person to upset your family, not just yourself.

Put a stop to this now, they do not deserve this.

Pick up you phone, RIGHT NOW, tell him BY TEXT that this relationship is not working for either of you and you now consider it over.

Then block him.

Job done.

Then apologise to your mum and daughter for being distracted during this holiday and take them out somewhere nice for lunch.

Then enjoy what’s left of the holiday and come home refreshed to begin a brand new life, free from harassment, bullying and misery.

If he turns up at your door ring the police and get him moved. He no longer controls you, you are free.

OK, do it NOW, you will feel like a great weight has been lifted.

What benefit comes from the time you're spending analysing what he's said and done? You can keep looking for that genuine and loving part of him that will explain everything but it's not there, and you won't understand why he's so bad because your brain doesn't work like his.

Even if you miraculously came to a full understanding of him, so what? He would still be an abusive twat you should steer clear of.

You're giving him headspace that could be used for more important things.

If you're trying to understand what it is about you that made things go wrong, with the greatest respect, his behaviour will be the same whoever he ends up in a relationship with.

There’s so much caring and empathy on this thread. very occasionally Mumsnet is bloody marvellous

OP, this is blunt but you need to hear it. The extremely concerning thing is that your updates are almost solely concerned about your feelings towards this man and how they’ve affected you as if that’s the most important thing here. Yes, I have like many others on here been in your position for years and had to live with a violent abuser and I didn’t have the luxury of being able to break up with him over email. This isn’t just going to affect you and myself and multiple others have repeatedly warned you about this man being volatile, hostile and dangerous and you’ve not once mentioned that you’ve cut contact and are planning on safeguarding your child. You say you’re a good mother and I’m not saying you’re not but even though lots of people have asked you’re not giving any assurances about what you’re planning on doing to keep your child safe. You haven’t once mentioned that you’ve dedicated any time with them and are prioritising their needs over your own since being on holiday with them. Yes, you’ve suffered but you’ve relented on breaking up with him when you know he’s toxic but your child doesn’t have the luxury of that choice. This isn’t just about you, there are more important people than you at play here. I don’t understand why you keep coming back just to information dump when it’s clear it’s not advice and support you want. He told you he loved you lots and lots and gave you pretty words but didn’t perform one action to back it up ever. But hey, at least the sex was good right? 🙄 Get back up, dust yourself off and focus on the person who deserve this headspace and attention. You need to let go of your pride because it will 100% be your fall. People are understandably at the end of their tether with you and drained because you’re purposely not engaging other than to self righteously scold people who are trying to help you and you just keep telling us we already knew days ago. We know he’s a cunt, you know he’s a cunt, why the fuck have you not left him? You don’t live with him, you’re not financially tied to him or have a child with him. You weren’t even in a long term relationship with him. Which is why people can’t fathom why you can’t let go now you’ve seen the light. This appears just to be all about your bruised ego now. You fell for his shit, and you got mugged like millions of others. It’s shit but you chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on. That’s why people are accusing you of loving the drama because it makes no sense why you’ve not updated that you’ve cut him off. We are all worried about your child, it would appear more than you are right now. That’s how your updates are coming across right now. A lot of self pity but no actions. If that’s a wrong assumption, it’s down to you to change it and not get combative with people. I don’t know if you’re in the UK I’m assuming not but if you were social services wouldn’t think twice about removing your child from your care if you didn’t actively cut this man off and use all avenues to keep him from contacting you. You keep posting the same stuff over about he’s lead you on but you have never seemed to bat an eye lid at the fact this man is actively gunning for your child. He’s told you plainly that he wants to aggressively assert himself into their life and expects you to put him first and neglect their needs. Where is your rage over this? Why don’t you care? Because 98% of us would have dropped him the second he threatened the happiness and comfort of our children. Not you, you begged him for a second chance. Sympathies only stretch so far OP and only for those who deserve it.

I’m not surprised you feel like you are addicted to a drug. Trauma bonding is a lot like an addiction.

Does this sound familiar:

”Loss of Self
When you try and fight back, things get worse. You start to settle for anything to have some peace and make the fights stop. You find yourself constantly apologising to them out of fear you’ve done something to upset them. This person has broken down every part of confidence you once had before. You wonder how it has got to this stage and where it went all went wrong.

Addiction
You become addicted to the highs and lows as your body is on a constant stress high and craves dopamine. This creates a cycle of dependency that feels a lot like a substance addiction. You’re in the exact position they want you in; trapped.“

The good news is you are actually several steps into healing (ignore the victim blamers, they don’t know what they are talking about)

“Start Feeling Your Emotions
It’s important not to ignore how you’re feeling. By talking through and letting them out, you’re acknowledging and working through the hurt and pain you may be feeling right now. Writing your feelings down can help build inner strength. Remember, once you allow yourself to feel again, they’ll ease up.

Learn To Grieve
Letting go is difficult and harder to do without honouring the reality that you are losing something valuable to you. You can grieve the future you thought you might have and the good times you did have. Even though it might not have been a great relationship 100% of the time, it is still a loss.

Understanding The ‘Hook’
Identify what, exactly, you are losing. It may be a fantasy, dream or illusion of who you thought this person was. Are you holding onto old lies? Now is the time to let go of the idea that your needs will be met by this person. During this stage of the healing, it’s important to recognise the abusive behaviours you might have missed previously. Hindsight is a blessing in order to protect yourself for the future.”.

Extracts from here:
https://www.saferplaces.co.uk/blog/traumabond

As you can see, you are actually going through these steps already. I get that some posters get frustrated when you are writing down your emotions and working through what the hell you have been through, but that’s honestly their problem. This is all part of the healing process for you, so keep posting and don’t be put off.

You are doing really well.

@freddosarebest I have been exactly where you are, I could have almost written your post. I went through the same rollercoaster ride you are describing which is why my previous post likens your situation to drug addiction. It’s only now that i am long out of it and can look back on it rationally I can see it for what it was. I can see that he totally love bombed me. He told me I was ‘the one’, I was ‘special’, I was the ‘best sex he’d ever had’. He was the biggest high I’d ever experienced. Then came the pushing me away followed by the hoovering me back in. I was a shell when it ended. This is why myself and many of the women here are trying to get the message through to you. It’s exactly because we HAVE been there. I don’t know if you just don’t want hear it or you believe that your situation isn’t the same, yours is different, yours is special, but we can only tell you how we see it. Whether you listen is up to you.

I really am listening and reading. I’ve read this thread so many times. It’s painful but it has given me strength when nothing else has the last couple days. He is blocked, by the way. I did it an hour ago. I am now really scared on some level how he might react.