Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

I’m still on the thread. I’m just processing all the replies. I feel really overwhelmed tbh and it’s only last night/ today that I am realising how serious the situation I have gotten myself into is. I do appreciate all the responses so much. Im calling our women’s aid equivalent helpline today. Sorry for not replying sooner. I think I will be re reading this thread for a very long time.

Oh love. Get yourself out of this and thank fuck you’re not living together or have kids with him.
8 months should be the honeymoon period, doesn’t sound like you ever had that.

Another question you should be asking yourself is why he is so desperate to get access to your children?
Someone that desperate to get into your children's lives is someone who should never be allowed in them.

And by that I do not mean the only possibility is he has unnatural intentions towards them. There are many reasons a man wants to insert himself into the centre of your family. Control is one, creating dependence is another, creating what he insists is a great relationship with your kids so he can convince you it's in their best interests to stay with him is another. Etc etc etfuckingc

Then you should have clarified that in your post. I misunderstood - no need to be so rude.

OP, so glad you are still with us. Don't be hard on yourself. Quite a few people have generously shared their experience of abusive men to try help you see reason.

I believe, this guy is truly evil, like a pp said. There are a lot of evil men out there and they don't wear it marked on their foreheads unfortunately.

Kind of like a vampire who has one desire and that is to suck the life blood out of you. He keeps knocking on the window and you keep letting him in.

Arm yourself with a cross or a wooden stake (metaphorically), don't open the window anymore and get thee far away quick.

I explained that I misunderstood. At no point was I rude or condescending and your post is a personal attack which will now be reported.

I've read every post on here @freddosarebest , especially yours, and I hope to God you've looked long and hard at your situation and dumped him. He's a dangerous man, not just awkward or needy, but dangerous, given half a chance he will take over everything you have and turn it too shit. He'll hate your DC because you love them, he'll want every minute of your day focussed on him because no amount of kindness will ever be enough for him. Sadly some people are like emotional black holes, they suck in every bit of love and kindness but it's never, never enough for them, every day they need more and more because they are empty, they are empty and nothing can fill them and they will resent you because you can't make them feel better about themselves.
Please Op, stop listening to him, stop worrying about him, it's been 8 months and he's taken your life over already. He's already begrudging you seeing your DM, your job, he wants to marry you not because he loves you but to tie you too him. Can you imagine how unkind he will be once he gets you where he wants you?
I don't know you but I so want you to run away from him, if a stranger is this worried about you can't you see this whole thing is very, very wrong?

I absolutely second this post. We might be total strangers but people on here care about you. Please take care of yourself and update us when you can.

It's good you're seeking help. Be glad that (as it seems) you have your own place to live, you are not financially dependent on him and he can't get at you by saying he wants to see his child. That should help you to move on.

OP, dont be ashamed of yourself! You should be proud you are making steps to get away from him. Please, be kind to yourself, you deserved it!

@freddosarebest, I can’t stress this enough, you have got to cut this guy off, completely, and block him. Everywhere.

He’s dangerous, he’s frightening and he’s a very, very practiced abuser. That’s why you feel ‘crazy’. His methods are working like a charm on you.

This doesn’t make you happy, does it? So stop doing it.

And for fuck’s sake, I beg you, do not let this man enter your children’s lives. Ever.

Another point. His OCD is going to drive him insane, Once he has his feet under YOUR table. He will hate the mess, & disturbance your DC naturally make.
He will discipline them, they will hate him, & walk around on tiptoes...
Your relationship with them will deteriorate as they will see you fawning to his rules tyranny

Every response on this thread has said he is an accident waiting to happen.
Its easy to stop, just tell him its not working fir you, & block.

You will recover fast once you are out if the FOG

exactly. This is what the evil man with my friend did. pitted mother against daughters, while he barely worked, and she was out of the house trying to keep a roof over their heads. he destroyed her confidence and nearly her career, destroyed the relationship between her parents and her children and any friends. Or sidelined friends to turn them against her, in his pity party about how badly treated he was. It took her EIGHT YEARS to get him out of the house that he moved into with her and promptly stopped working, and refused to sign any of the tax credit forms that would allow extra support. he often pulled the 'Im not sure about this, Im going to leave' trick too, to play on her insecurities and attachment issues. And rallied the children to be on HIS side in this, and further abuse her.
Did he do it deliberately? did he plan it? Its really hard to say, and like you, she took years analysing him, trying to work out why she was triggering him, what she was doing wrong, why he would rage for minor requests she asked him.
He was likely damaged. Very damaged. And was acting instinctually to do what he needed to do in his own version of survival.
Could she fix him?
No. Never. He looked to her to blame because he was probably being triggered by things that had nothing whatsoever to do with her. But because he refused any therapy, or couldnt even imagine that he NEEDED any therapy, he didnt see that a whole lot of the disfunction and unhappiness lay within himself - as did a whole lot of her own unhappiness, as she had some deep seated abandonment issues due to her own childhood.
Could they have been together if they both had therapy? Probably not after having had a dysfunctional and abusive relationship - because those patterns are dug deep and are so so easy to fall back into - and they dynamic had already been set. But do the work and possibly have a successful relationship later down the line? Yes, possibly, each of them may have that potential. It depends upon a willingness or ability to do the hard work. The later in life, the harder, and it does appear that, as a generalisation, men are less likely to do it than women.

so please, OP, leave. walk away from this. Get some therapy so you know the red flags from the green, and have the strength in your own lines and boundaries to be able to uphold them and walk away if people dont respect them. Love yourself, so that you can have someone add to your life, not take from it xxx

I'm reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Beaker, and I think it would be really beneficial for you to download and read it as well.

You do clearly see the red flags but you've trained yourself out of doing anything about them, and spending your time listening too much to manipulative people and not listening to yourself at all.

Seriously, stay away from any romantic interests and read the book. Then re-read it. And after you've read that one, read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft which is another excellent book you need to read.

You might find this harsh but my younger self would have been exactly like you, attracting men exactly like this and not knowing why. But it's possible to change your mindset towards healthier undamaged men and these two books will help you begin that journey.

Oh love, you’ve got 30 pages worth of support here from women who’ve got your back. Have you got friends you can be with? Take your children. You can do better than this. A good relationship is one which makes you feel good about yourself. This is not a good man.

I think I’m just getting this out to make sure I really understand it all and that it’s not ok for me. When we spoke I said would it be ok if I went away with my mum in future and he said would I not invite him and when I said if it was just a trip to spend time with her which has become a kind of tradition for us every year or so he said that wasn’t normal where he came from and his siblings only holiday with partners and family and he might feel excluded, then he said if we had kids he wouldn’t want me to take them away with my mum as he would feel he was missing family time. Saying he didn’t want the kind of relationship mum and stepdad have where she is ‘always’ going off on her own. Then he said he was glad I was telling him this now as I obviously value my independence but he wants the kind of relationship where we do everything together. And he also questioned why because I work from home I don’t ask him over every day to be together, why have I been avoiding spending time, if we want to live together in future we should trial it by spending most of our time together. And then it was, if you don’t want me to meet your daughter maybe we shouldn’t be having sex, because to him sex is a serious thing. He said something had broken for him last week because I didn’t communicate with him. When I was upset he was like, coldly “I can’t emotionally support us both. I don’t think you’re very stable”. Despite the fact he has literally driven me to this where I am an anxious wreck. And he blames it on our incompatibility (which when he was begging me not to leave him previously apparently wasn’t a thing.)

He tries to make himself sound reasonable for saying his partner should not go away without him but imo that just seems so rigid and controlling. He was like “I’ll find someone else who wants that kind of relationship. I want a relationship that’s amazing”. When I spoke to the helpline today they said it didn’t sound like he had been consistent and that it could be abusive.

This all has hit my self esteem so much. It’s jsut tapped into everything I feel about myself and being unlovable and easy to leave. I know I need to organise therapy. I just feel so sad. It’s like I’m addicted to a drug. I feel responsible. And I know it’s ok for relationships to end but he spent so long making me feel we had this incredible special thing we couldn’t lose. And now I beleive(d) it. I feel like I’ve been duped or something. Like he is obviously able to turn his extreme emotions on and off like a switch. I’m sorry for going on about him. I just feel so raw and like I’ve been in a con or something. I need to make sense of it. He’s not even that attractive, he’s not successful, he’s not even kind except when it suits. Why do I feel so sad like I’ve lost something of myself?

I have downloaded the gift of fear and read why does he do that. I think I’ve been a victim of the water torturer, the dominator and the victim if not more. The worst is when he makes himself seem so reasonable like this average guy looking for love. He’s so rigid and extreme. I guess I’ve just been an easy target.

So you've described gaslighting, DARVO and lovebombing for sure in your last two messages.

It’s jsut tapped into everything I feel about myself and being unlovable and easy to leave.

Well of course it does - it wouldn't work if he wasn't playing on your deepest fears.

It just feels so cruel that he ramped up this super intense relationship to the extent he couldn’t stand to be away from me for a few days and then it just all turned to anger and blame and coldness. Almost like he planned it. Like he is actually a whole different person. It’s so strange.

Yet when you talk about him he sounds grim - you don't describe anything that sounds "attractive" yet you're in thrall to him?

He's evidently wrecked your holiday and taken your attention away from your children and Mum onto him - which is what most of his behaviour appears to be. So what can you do to redirect your attention away from him and back onto yourself and your family?

OP. There are thousands of men like this around the world. They aren’t able to function emotionally like normal people. The fact he’s like this is absolutely nothing to do with you and unfortunately until they are willing to accept they have a severe personality disorder they will never, ever change. You cannot change this man and need to accept that the way he’s treated you is his problem and not yours. You know everything he’s said is just control tactics and manipulation to grind you down and make you so vulnerable he can use you as a puppet. He is a danger to you and a danger to your children. The reasons why he’s like this are not relevant or for you to sit there and pick apart. That’s for a psychiatrist to deal with but he won’t ever admit he’s wrong or engage in help. You cannot help him. You have to stop engaging with him now. You need to block all communication and focus on putting all this time into your children because they deserve so so much better than this. You need to put all these hours you’re spending talking to him, communicating with him and thinking about him into quality time with your children and your mum. You’re allowing him to win by continuing to entertain this nonsense. He is not your partner/boyfriend/ future husband. He doesn’t love you/wont respect you/ look after you/ cherish you/ love and take care of your kids. I don’t mean to sound harsh but you’re not special to him. He didn’t plan it all specifically for you, he behaves like this as easily as he breathes because it’s so natural for him to behave like this. You aren’t the first person he’s done this to and you won’t be the last. You’re just the most recent person to give him attention and enable his dysfunctional behaviour.

OP you are really dwelling on this man too much, he’s no good for you!! Please block and ignore and move on. You’ve got to be strong. There are loads of lovely guys out there, he’s not one. Focus on your children.

He has love bombed you!

He has worn you down gaslit you to make you feel like you don’t know what’s real or not.
He’s breaking you so you stay where he wants you. With him for his sick reasons he has low self esteem and he needs to do this to you so he gets what he wants . This is so not love .

The helpline didn’t sound useful for you.
The best step is Counseling ASAP . Contact today and you could start sessions by next week
He wants to control your every move and breath . Soon you won’t be going out the house alone he will be spending and controlling your money and you won’t be allowed to see your mother or friends , you will Become a shell. .
He sounds like one of the worst I’ve read on here OP .
I know you have had harsh words on here but it’s because people care and can see what you can’t . The firmness is from fear for you .

Please keep posting . it will
help you get through the other side .