Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

4hrs on the phone? Why are u you indulging him?

Starting to think you're doing this to yourself now. Your rational side is aware that he's a wrong 'un so why can't you block him?

You seem like you're thriving on the drama of all this. Why have you not ended this toxic relationship?

Jesus Christ. There is no ‘our family’. You are not in a family with him. Just block him on everything and move on. Block block block block. You have kids and you’re instead devoting your entire mental and emotional energy to this inflated bag of wank and his manic controlling behaviour. He doesn’t love you, he is happier when you are miserable. Block!!

You do know he kept you on the phone for 4 hours deliberately, to 'prove' to himself that he can demand your time any time he wants don't you? It was a game and he won.

If you can't stop your obsession with him can you at least ask for help with your children from a relative or something so they aren't dragged into this because I can only imagine the damage he'd do to them if you don't prevent it and it sounds like there's not much room in your head for anything beyond him. Is there someone else who can be there for your children ? Who you could confide in and who could monitor your children for signs this is affecting them?
Just while you get control of yourself?

@freddosarebest

He jsut always makes me feel like the toxic one. So uncaring and selfish and cold. He also said that if we carried on with the bad communication he would get “colder and meaner” and it’s the kind of thing that would “make him walk out on our family”. That stuff is not normal to say??

No it's NOT normal for anyone to say this. Threatening someone you're SUPPOSED to love with such behaviour, purposely saying he'll get “colder and meaner”** is absolutely not what you'd want for yourself or your family.

You really need to cut this vile man out of your lives. Every time you cave in and give your energy to him (four hours in this case, whilst you're supposed to be relaxing with your children and mother) is a huge manipulation from him and each time you'll come off worse from the experience of being in communication with someone who's mentally violent and who knows how to get into your head and doubting you're doing the right thing.

Stop trying to understand him and his actions. He is a malignant influence on you and you should be cutting all communication off with him. The only way you will begin to win an argument with him is by silence - complete and utter rejection of his assumed right to say and do what he wants either you. There is no positive balance with someone who continues to show his dominance over you.

You have a responsibility to protect yourself and, additionally through your actions, your children.

Why oh why would you have anything whatsoever to do with someone of whom you say "he does scare me". Cut him off now. 🌹

This man is very very dangerous OP.

You are at the point of no return. You came close to ending it but let him draw you back in. He is firmly in control of your thoughts by now. You let that happen in spite of everybody here advising you otherwise.

You convinced us all that you wanted to put your dc first but it seems you don’t at all. Instead you feed off the drama from this incredibly scary, coercive, unattractive low-life who has absolutely nothing nice to offer you except to wreck the lives of you and your dc. His own life is shit where yours, just a short while ago, used to be nice and care-free.
He can’t make his own life nice so he will not rest until yours is shit too. He’s got you and your dc caught in his trap.

If I were you, while you still can, I’d make one last mammoth effort to see this clearly for what it is. Then make an action, independent of him, on behalf of your dc who are too young to help themselves out of this mess you are continually inviting.
You don’t need, - and anyway would’t ever get, his agreement, permission or understanding.
You are allowed to just do it.
Be brave. Escape this danger to you dc.
Nothing physically stopping you. Put the phone down. Don’t text back.
Block him right now with the genuine intention of never speaking to him ever again.
And mean it forever.

It is also disturbing for him to say “our family”. Your children are not his, you are not a family. He talks like he already considers your children to be his property. Without your consent, or even having met the children. That is very much not normal.

I’m also wondering who was paying for the call - something tells me it wasn’t him. This was yet more punishment.

🙄

I think what might be even more disturbing is he may be talking about their future family, as in OP finally caving and getting pregnant in order to please him so he’ll finally like her enough to stop abusing her and just accept her. Then it will be like The Widower with Reece Shearsmith and Sheridan Smith - anyone remember that?

The child will be HIS, not yours OP, and he will never be out of your life again (unless he decides to be…by getting you out the picture when he’s sucked up all your emotional and financial resources and becomes really irritated with you, which he sounds like he already is and you’re aware of this!) watch the series, or even google it, it was actually based on a real man, who was also a covert head case, and I believe is still serving time for killing his wives and attempting to murder a GF. He too was a manipulative narcissist who turned out to be a psychopath.

—If you need someone IRL to knock some sense into you TELL YOUR MUM!!!!!!!!!

Oh my gosh. You are trauma bonded to this man (it's a thing) and he is a narcissist. A real nasty one too.

Please get the courage to leave him, once and for all.

Maybe filter your own thread so you just see your own posts. He's literally driving you crazy. And loving it.

Ffs - block him and go no contact.

He sounds unhinged and dangerous - do it for your DC's sake.

So it was totally worth it for him. He made your holiday all about him successfully...worrying about him incessantly, then four hours of talking about his feelings and you begging him to take you back.
What happens next time you want a week with your mum? Not going to happen is it?
What about the future when you pay attention to your kids and he wants it instead?

He is an absolute headfuck. You've been played like a violin. It's him...this is what he is. He doesn't love you. He wants to consume you.

If you insist on staying with this dickhead then do one thing, keep your kids away from him.
You have made your week away with your dm and children all about him.
He knows you are desperate. He will play with you as he pleases. Keep your children out of it.

The more I read your updates the more scared I am for you that you haven't dumped him. Trauma bond or not (and yes I've been there)

You and your kids are your priority- NOT HIM

You think by not letting him meet the kids that keeps him at arms length, that's only for so long he will break you down. Once they meet him, he'll have moved in, rule you all so you're walking on eggshells in your own house so not to annoy him, he'll dictate everything you all do and you'll end up all sleeping in one room together (you and the kids) to protect each other from him.
And unprotected sex! Seriously- you already have kids, you don't need to risk you health for this nutcase, I seriously hope you don't end up pregnant and tied to him for 18+ years

Have you had a Claire's law carried out on him? I would.
Look at the freedom program.
There's also a book "why does he do that"
Tell someone how he behaves.

Something tells me if you spend all your kid free time with him then you may not have friends nearby anymore.

Everything he is doing is not healthy and is the total opposite of what a fairly new relationship should be.

Please give your head a wobble, put yourself and the kids first, email him telling him it's over and block him on all platforms.

You've had lots of advice telling you the same, please for the sake of your kids, listen to us and stop engaging with him.

Tell him when he begs, that he is right you can't be the person he is wants you to be and he should find someone who can.

But block block block

Good Lord.

What a load of unmitigated drama.

NOTHING you do will EVER be GOOD ENOUGH for him.

He will always change the goalposts and you will always stay in this state of fear and anticipation.

You are a MOTHER. FFS!! Start acting like one and get this man out of your life.

STOP listening to him! Break it off and block him.

God, the idea of having to sleep in the same room as your kids for protection from a monster, I hope you weren’t speaking from experience 😢

I’m going to assume that OP is going to listen to sanity and have nothing more to do with him. But if she doesn’t, un-protected sex isn’t what she’s got to be worried about with a narcissistic manipulator who wants children. It’s them supplying the birth control. Condoms can have ‘leaks’ and ‘fall off’. Pills can ‘disappear’. The only saving grace is the fact she isn’t living with him but it sound like they’re as good as when the kids are away and fact she sees him almost every day.

You’ve been going through a lot. I bet.

Related to this twat and this situation by any chance?

You were looking forward to this holiday as an escape from him, even if you weren’t fully aware of it at the time you planned it. And he’s put paid to that hasn’t he.

This is one of the many weird things about this thread - you say you’re in another country visiting your mum. And he happens to have a friend/friends in this same country? And he was seeing them to punish you for a previous argument? And he was going to drive 3hrs from them to your mums bc he was ‘giving a lift’ to said friend who COINCIDENTALLY wanted to be driven BY HIM to the same area.

Riiiiiiighhhhht.

I thought he cut even close friends off after 9 months - so what happened to that hard and fast rule?! Has he known them less than that time? Not great friends then but a strong enough friendship to invite him over to stay and ask him to drive them hundreds of miles…. 🤔 Pretty inconsistent narrative. (Lol)

But one that he expects you to believe/ accept.

Does he openly belittle your intelligence OP? Does he have to feel intellectually superior to you and you find yourself holding back bc you know it’ll annoy him?

We’re all telling you you need to contact immediately, which you must do, but in a hypothetical situation I’m wondering if you had access to his passport it would be interesting to check whether the fucker is actually in this bloody country and if so when he arrived.

And speaking of geography, isn’t it YET ANOTHER coincidence he has family living near yours over the Christmas period? You met them so they must exist. Were they his parents? Siblings? Cousins? Or ‘distant’ relatives. Did you actually meet them?

All these coincidences just don’t stack up - I know it’s one aspect of a whole lot of psycho shit, but you say you went to meet his family, leaving your own at his insistence and constant ‘badgering’. I wonder if he’s intimidating and coercing them as he does you. Were they happy in his presence, or scared shitless they’d upset him and he’d react? Was it like looking at yourself around him? How did he treat them in front you? How does he treat other people, like those working in retail and hospitality services? How does he treat children and animals?

I’m guessing superficially ok to not great..?

There is nothing to be ashamed of, OP. Like many women, you have been targeted by a very abusive man. Just give yourself some freedom by getting him completely out of your life. Please delete all his contact details and block him now.

Will leave this here

Here you go OP, a link to Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I would advise you to read it, then read it again and keep reading it until it sinks in that this man is abusive and you need to get away from him pronto.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I'm finding some of the OP's posts increasingly astonishing - despite all she told us at the beginning, she had unprotected sex with him the night before her departure; despite absolutely deciding to end it, she did a 4 hour call in which she begged him for 'another chance'.

If this IS genuine, OP - you need to listen to those telling you that at the moment, you're risking your CHILDREN'S safety.