Called the police

[Userccjlnhibibljn8]

I finally snapped and called the police this evening, and my husband has been arrested. He was drunk and angry and hit me. It’s been escalating for months. In between feeling heartbroken what do I do next. Someone will be calling me in the morning to discuss next steps, and I assume if I want to take things further. We are married so what do I do? I put most money into the house, and I don’t want to have to be the one who leaves. Has anyone else been here and have advice. My heart can’t quite believe I have done this, but my head says I need to be safe and nothing short of a miracle can take us back to a good place.

It's so sad Op, you're grieving for a man who didn't exist, the man he really was unkind and hurtful. I do hope your life will be happier and more peaceful very soon

I'm sorry you're still feeling upset and hurt, although it's completely understandable.

It's very trite to say that time heals, but it's true, and you're very early in your grief at the moment.

Thinking of you.

You are being an absolute star OP! So glad you are able to talk some of these issues through.
Sending many condolences.

That sounds very healing, knowing that it wasn’t you, it was never you, it was him- all along it was him. Nothing you did or didn’t do ‘brought it out’ , it wasn’t a bad pairing, it was just him. That’s who he was.

Hello
It would have been our 10th wedding anniversary tomorrow. I have plans, and at the moment I feel ok about it. I’m more preoccupied with the reality that I may still lose my house based on his will. He took a very deliberate step around that. I had been sort of reconciled to the financial settlement as that was to meet his needs, but this just seems unfair, and sets things up to cause a rift with his family. Plus adds another level of stuff to sort before I can think about rebuilding
On top of this a poorly dog and parent in hospital.

So why am I still crying for him in between cursing him. Argggggh

What an arse he was, to be slapping your face from beyond the grave. I guess he was lashing out in anger and hurt at some point.

Concentrate on your poorly dog- dogs are the bees knees. I hope your parent is ok, too. Life is just a bit overwhelming at times.

All the Tomorrows will have to look after themselves. Let’s get the todays sorted.

OP after all of your ways of showing kindness and empathy preparing for his funeral, now this.
Sadly, people do use wills as a way of punishing people.
Spend this time now thinking about you, your lovely dog and your poorly parent - they love you, they are still here, and they are deserve your very caring nature.
I know you have been happy to contribute to funeral plans etc but it’s okay to step away if you wish to. You don’t have to keep being the better person when you have been treated so appallingly.
Take each day as it comes and know that time really does heal. But for today, put you and your own loved ones first.

What a miserable twisted man! At least this way you are released from him. It may not seem that way now as obviously you are grieving, though to be honest if he was still alive, you would still be going through a grieving process. That is only natural. Hopefully your lawyer(s) will do the work needed and in time you can look back and feel very proud of yourself.

Been following your thread and really impressed with how well you’ve done in such difficult circumstances. I don’t have any advice, just sending out a handhold and hope you can lean into any hugs going from friends.
Grieving can be complicated so don’t give yourself a hard time, like you say one day at a time and at some point you will have walked further than you think so that when you look back, it is further away.

I wasn't expecting that update, OP.

I imagine you've taken legal advice?

Does it matter if this causes a rift with his family, though? Are you intending to keep in touch with them after the funeral?

And lots of love to your dog and your parent in hospital.

It's just one thing after another at the moment.

Hello
Yes sadly what he did was legal, and apparently relatively normal practice when divorcing. Just doesn’t factor in the very uneven contribution to life that we had and death before divorce I will explore a little bit more legally, but to be honest I’d rather not waste more money on lawyers now. (Also financially it might not be that different to the overall settlement)

i don’t have much family of my own, only child, no children and cousins I don’t see much of. I suppose I count his family as mine now and that gives me comfort (and after all he has in many ways screwed them over as much as me). But I will see how it flows.

For now I think I will write down what I want to say, and follow up after the funeral. There will be some points of negotiation, and I will want them to know the full facts.

meanwhile Parent is home and dog better.

I'm so sorry OP.
It sounds so hard.
I hope you move on quickly at least from grieving this awful man.
Look into grief counselling for yourself.

How are you feeling @Userccjlnhibibljn8 ?

@PeggyMitchellsCameo Thank you for asking. Today I am feeling calm. The funeral is planned, and I am ready to do the conventional grief. I think I have put the complicated stuff to one side for now. I am starting to realise how much anxiety I had been holding that is now gone.

I hope to be able to have some calm days after the funeral to recharge, although I think I may have to jump back into the fire for my parents.

I also had a lovely conversation with the investigating officer on my police case. That is obviously closed now, but I have closure on that, I know what happened was true and I know they believe me, but equally I don’t have to deal with the trauma of court and the risk of that.

One foot in front of the other 🌹

Indeed. One foot, then the next.

Another Sunday morning, more mixed feelings. How the hell do I get rid of the guilt? And to an extent resentment, I should be able to be the grief stricken widow in the middle, but I have to regulate and check and balance my feelings around his family and with every action ask ‘is this ok’ it feels selfish and unfair all in one.

I’m doing that because I like them and I care for them, and they hold a large part of my financial future, so to piss them off would add complications in the future. However I have to hold onto the reason why I started this whole chain of events.
I feel better for writing that. Now onwards to sort out my parents whose crises continue 🪴

You are dealing with an awful lot of mixed emotions.
But at least you understand what they are and recognised them.
As long as you have someone to talk to in real life who you can be yourself with, that helps.
Just being a carer in itself is a huge job.

Thank you @PeggyMitchellsCameo I find writing here does help crystalline my thoughts (with an audience) and then I can be much clearer with my in person support network.

I just hope I can get past the funeral before I have to really get to grips with my parents.

I start to fear I am going to have to take a proper break from work to have a chance of coping with everything. But in the end what would I regret more missing out on……

I'm in the same position. In November 2023 my husband did the same to me. I had to call the police and they arrested him. We've been married for just over 50 years . He had an affair 8 years ago but came back and things have gone down hill ever since then. He's been charged with ABH and Is due in court early December.. He's been out on bail since. We were told to have no contact with each other. It was a relief to begin with but we were in the middle of major renovations to our house and the only way I could communicate with him about the work was through solicitors. That gets very expensive. I got a bill from my solicitor last week for £464 just for a ten minute talk on the phone and a follow up e-mail.
The annoying thing is he's moving on and is on dating sites ( a friend of mine spotted him on there ) and meanwhile I feel stuck, still dealing with builders and getting more depressed by the day.
I try to stay positive and get on with life but have had some really bad days lately.

That’s awful, @HangryWriter I assume you have explored all other options? Leaving him to it, involving a third party or something? I suppose when push comes to shove, if you are doing something difficult but in your own interest, it’s not so bad. Easier to reconcile yourself to.

Dating while out on bail seems a little foolhardy. Still, he’s not hassling you I suppose.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 you will know what you need to do, and who you need to focus on. You certainly have plenty to do, and it’s frustrating that troubles won’t line up nicely and wait their turn.

How do you think his family would react if you stepped back a bit, citing ‘struggling to cope’? As you say, you should have been the ‘chief mourner’ that others work around.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8

Thinking of you today, as you attend your husband's funeral.

And I hope your parents' health needs get sorted out.
You've got a lot on your plate right now.

Thinking of you today OP, I think you are amazing

Hope today as gone as well as you would hope for. Thinking of you.