Called the police

[Userccjlnhibibljn8]

I finally snapped and called the police this evening, and my husband has been arrested. He was drunk and angry and hit me. It’s been escalating for months. In between feeling heartbroken what do I do next. Someone will be calling me in the morning to discuss next steps, and I assume if I want to take things further. We are married so what do I do? I put most money into the house, and I don’t want to have to be the one who leaves. Has anyone else been here and have advice. My heart can’t quite believe I have done this, but my head says I need to be safe and nothing short of a miracle can take us back to a good place.

Bless you ,@Userccjlnhibibljn8 I didn't mean to make your life even more difficult. It's so hard when a long term relationship ends because your emotions are all over the place, it's a grief just like any loss. I hope you'll starr to feel better very soon x

@Daleksatemyshed Don't worry, I like having different ways to think about what is happening and how I am reacting to it. It gives my head something to work around when my heart 'goes off on one'. I've found I like frameworks!
My trip out last night was to see a filming of a NT Play Prima Facie - very interesting, and an amazing performance. A bit of a double edged sword in my case but overall I am glad I saw it. (Would recommend to anyone). It throws up the challenge of the whole he said/she said nature of violence against women and how it is treated in the judicial system.

Onwards! 🍁

That play sounds really interesting.

I live too far away to be able to see it.

It's being shown in Cinema's NT Live so you might find somewhere to watch it nearer to you. It was absolutely riveting.

https://primafacie.ntlive.com/synopsis/

Thank you!

Hello, forgive me coming here to rant a bit, but my 2 closest real life support people both have big things happening in their lives so I don't want to dump on them. I've been doing so well, but some legal stuff, divorce and police, have been happening over the last few days, and I'm just crumbling this morning and need to tell someone. I'm feeling fat and tired. I'm scared he's going to come after everything I have worked so hard for, despite the fact I did everything for the bastard for 12 years. The system just seems so unfair.
I know this will pass, but sometimes I will it would hurry up!
🍂

Hi there @Userccjlnhibibljn8
I'm sorry you're feeling panicky.
That's to be expected in a situation like this.
If you've had a difficult few days there will be moments of uncertainty.

I don't know anything about the legal system, but if you give us an idea about what you're worried about, I expect someone more knowledgeable will try to advise you.

Is he out of hospital yet?

If you're feeling fat and tired, that's a sure sign of anxiety rearing its ugly head. Are you sleeping?

I am quite sure that what you're experiencing is normal, and very much to be expected. Sorry, I'm not being very helpful, but I'm a listening ear.

i believe he is out of hospital, awaiting surgery, but I’m not asking any questions of anyone about him. The main legal case has just gone to CPS, and I’ve been told he has been charged with drink driving. I suppose the fact that his lies about that have been seen through on the driving is starting to make me think about the main case and what happens if he is charged……it’s a waiting game. I do know that his life is considerably worse than mine.

We’ve just exchanged financial information on the divorce, which brings home to me how much I carried him for the whole time we were together. He was good at grand gestures, but I was always the one who footed the bills (think large bids at charity auctions….). Just wish I’d been more protective of my assets, but that was all part of the control. I have good lawyers and I need them to earn their keep now.

Thank you for listening x

When I got divorced, I ended up with very little materially. I was very ill at the time, and just wanted it over, so paid little attention. I was shafted as a result.

But although that was difficult at the time, I rebuilt my life, and recovered my health. I started working again and gradually put a home together.

I was lucky. Three years later I met my DH and we've been together and very happy for 25 years now.

I'm probably a lot older than you, but I did go through a very violent marriage, and it ground me right down.

My ex is a miserable old man now who lives alone in a hoarded house, and he sees almost nobody.

I definitely did better! Yes, he got the money and possessions but I got happiness.

Thank you for sharing your story, I am so glad for you that you found happiness. I think much of my financial anxiety is that I am in my late 50s (so maybe a bit older than you think) and don’t have much time to financially build myself up again. I’ll be OK compared to most women in this situation, it’s just coming to terms with a major change in direction.

Have you got a decent pension to look forward to?

When I was young, I never used to think it was important, but it is, of course. And now I'm 67 it's definitely important.

I was very sensible with money pre marriage, managed to accumulate good pensions, ISA s and get mortgage free. So I will be ok, I will have some choices to make once I have paid him whatever settlement is agreed. Unfortunately I may have to sell the house/get a mortgage again or postpone my early retirement plans…..it will work out I know and I know that I will enjoy life more that I ever could have with him (because miracles don’t happen without a lot of work)

Hello, I need some firm talking to, I need to know I am right in what I am doing vs feeling. This is all through the lawyers. He thinks he is dying, he has said he would like to talk to me. I know in my head this is probably all manipulation on his part, but I've hardly stopped crying since I spoke to my lawyers. I'm not going to talk to him..... tell me I'm doing the right thing and that I am not being a heartless B*h

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 hold tight - you’re not being a heartless biatch. He’s the one who treated you so badly , he had plenty of opportunity to rectify that and beg your forgiveness. Not now, too late. Too ‘convenient’. If in doubt, reread your posts. He’ll mess with your head - oh no, that’s what he’s doing already….

Seriously @Userccjlnhibibljn8 he's being manipulative and nothing else.

Ignore him. He's trying to draw you in again, to mess with your head.

Be firm. Remember all the times he hit you, threw things at you and frightened you.

He doesn't deserve a moment of your time.

I'm sure I already posted in this thread about my ex taking pills and telling my dd it was her fault. They're predictable. And op even if he is dying, he's not your responsibility any more. Different if he hadn't crossed the line and you stayed friends but he attacked you. Lines have been drawn, by him, do not cross them!

Thank you all, I do know the right answer, and I won't be talking to him. I think I said up thread I've always believed the best of people, and believe in assuming good intentions. It does not help my state of mind to have to be the opposite with the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I am having to do constant mental gymnastics to put myself back where I need to be.

I'm glad you have decided not to talk to him. You don't owe him anything and I think talking to him will only make you feel worse and give him an opportunity to manipulate and control you.

Oh, what a load of bollocks. He's feeling sorry for himself because his chickens are coming home to roost and he wants to coerce you into making it all better for him (and probably paying for a lawyer to get him off the hook whilst also telling the court the things he did to you that he didn't really mean it and you're taking him back - and likely to pay thousands for an expensive sojourn in private rehab to 'prove' that he's all fixed/it's not his responsibility)

He's also pissed off that getting a relative to contact you didn't have the desired effect earlier.

He can fuck right off.

@NeverDropYourMooncup Thank you - definitely a firm talking to 😀exactly what I needed.

It's my speciality and my pleasure!

Quick update, I went back through the lawyers with a message to say that I could not talk to him and feel better that I have been clear about that and the reasons why.

I spent the week with old friends in the Lake District, which was restorative (except for my leg muscles that are not thanking me for the hills we walked up). I did find it sad to be with some long established couples, made me think about how spectacularly we went wrong, But overall a therapeutic week and I am keeping faking it till I make it.

Thank you for listening 🌹

That's great @Userccjlnhibibljn8 you've really taken control and shown him you're not putting up with his nonsense anymore.

Well done on standing your ground Op and refusing to speak to him. I'm sure some time away did you good

He is dead, I am broken