Called the police

[Userccjlnhibibljn8]

I finally snapped and called the police this evening, and my husband has been arrested. He was drunk and angry and hit me. It’s been escalating for months. In between feeling heartbroken what do I do next. Someone will be calling me in the morning to discuss next steps, and I assume if I want to take things further. We are married so what do I do? I put most money into the house, and I don’t want to have to be the one who leaves. Has anyone else been here and have advice. My heart can’t quite believe I have done this, but my head says I need to be safe and nothing short of a miracle can take us back to a good place.

Remember he chose his own path. This isn't on you.

It's all very sad.
Sending you my condolences xx

From the outside it seemed as if he were on this path for some considerable time. I don't think anything you did, or could have done, has impacted on his death.
Take care of yourself

Oh no, I'm so sorry.
Not for him but for you 💔
I've been following your thread quietly and rooting for you.
You will go through a whole process of emotions but whatever you do don't blame yourself.
Guilt is a very real emotion when anyone passes away but remember this was all on him, none of it was on you.
I'll be thinking of you, please take care of yourself.
Use this thread to sound off and get support.
It sounds like you have very good friends, use them too ❤️

You might find yourself the focus of his family’s intense feelings- guilt, anger, bereavement. Surround yourself with your family and friends. This is not on you.

no I think you’re processing things. Shock, anger, pain etc but you are free of him.

Sending you my best ❤️
Grief hits us all differently: do what you need to do & look after yourself 💐

I've also followed you quietly from the start.

I am so sorry. So so sorry. Do what you need to do.

We are all here for you x

Thank you all for your comments. My sadness is very deep at the moment. I know there are some things I am going to get very angry about in the future, but at the moment I feel lost, like a little alien that has been plopped down on earth wondering why everything looks different, and trying to navigate a world that I don't want to be in.👽

It’s ok to feel lost and adrift. Think of it as letting the current carry you for a while, leaning on your oars, resting across the rowing boat. Soon enough it will be time to dig back in with the oars and get back on track. It’s ok to wait a bit.

Putting our life back together after trauma, especially prolonged trauma, is delicate and also arduous work. No one can do it without pacing themselves. In the long run, you’ll make progress. At the moment you are waiting and storing up energy for the next push.

So sorry OP x

How are you feeling today @Userccjlnhibibljn8?

@TheShellBeach Thank you for asking, I'm feeling all the feelings at the moment. The memories are of the good and the bad, I feel desperately sad for how unhappy he will have been in the last months, but aware that the only person who could fix him was himself. He had carried on drinking and whether deliberate or not, drunk himself to death.

I feel almost that all the work I did over the last 9 months has been wasted and I am back where I was when I wrote the first post in terms of the battle of heart and head. I do hope though that I will bounce back quicker although I keep turning around in my mind and realising that he is really gone now. I hope relief will kick in soon.
But I am talking to people and keeping busy, which I have found works.
xx

OP so very sorry for this loss.
You clearly had to deal with the loss of this man in your life when the times were good, over a long period of time.
Now you have to grieve in a different way and it’s vital you get some support. Grief counselling if and when you are able to would be of help.
Sadly, when dealing with an alcoholic when they are drinking, they choose drink over you. The choose drink over their own health and wellbeing. It is that powerful a force. You couldn’t have helped. Only he could have stopped, and he was just not able to.
Through the coming days and months please lean on your loved ones. Despite this terrible ending, you have endured an awful lot and deserve to live your life with some peace and contentment.

You really aren’t back at step one. It will feel like it, but the work you did has still been done. It’s a good foundation.

To the outside world I am doing great, I never realised I was such a good actor. In fact doing things lets my mind think about something else.

one thing I am finding really hard is that I am not the person making the decision about all the stuff around his death, I am an onlooker and dependent on his sister and children choosing to inform and involve me. I feel am actually missing an important part of the grieving process, even though it is probably tasks that really give no comfort.

One foot in front of another…….

Would you prefer that to change? Assuming you are still married, then you could push that, if you wanted. His adult children would be similarly positioned. I’m not suggesting you should, just that you may have more control than you realise and could be making an active choice as to your involvement.

Knowing you have made a choice to allow his sister to lead on this may help you feel less adrift. It’s an active choice to stay informed, an active choice to contribute ideas, an active choice to be more- or less- involved.

I can’t imagine how I would feel in your position, what choices I would make. It’s more a general comment on recognising that you do have agency and are indeed making choices, even if that choice is to not rock the boat.

My mum was massively controlling over my dad’s funeral- we didn’t get to contribute, really. No opinions were asked. We did as we were told. We chose not to create conflict over that. I did the eulogy, but she made me rewrite it several times before she approved!

💐

Funerals are important but someone in your position can choose to honour who this man was before addiction got to him, in your own way, and in your own time.
Whether it’s choosing somewhere you liked to go when you first met, using a piece of music you both liked, write some words of your own.
You can honour the man he once was in your own way. I would let his family get on with the formal proceedings. They will probably be in denial.
If you can it’s important to get some grief counselling because it’s a complicated set of circumstances.

@pickledandpuzzled Thank you for those thoughts. In one way I am not sure I even would have the strength to stand at his funeral, but equally I know some of the things he would have wanted and we were still married.

anyway we have to wait for the post mortem so I will keep in touch with his sister and try to make it an active choice.
Thank you for the reframing x

I have decided to get involved in the funeral (subject to his children’s agreement). His sister had asked me about music so I spoke to her and I think she was relieved.
It will be a memorial to the person he was deep underneath. And the truth is I am the person who knew him the best, good and bad. I dread it, but I will feel ‘unfinished’ if I don’t.
I will never understand the demons in him that took over and meant that he threw away so much and lost everything.

I am back with my therapist, and just putting one foot in front of another.

So glad to read your update in terms of how you are getting on.
As difficult as it is, having some say in his funeral will honour the man he once was.
It is also really positive you have the support of your therapist.
Sending condolences.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8

Oh my dear. You're doing the right thing. This has all been a highly emotional few months.

I'm glad you're going to contribute your thoughts to his funeral, because as you say, you knew him best.

I believe that this is going to help you to heal.

That sounds very positive- it will be a fitting tidying up of all the disappointments, memories and what ifs. You won’t be alone in your mixed feelings about the situation.

One more step along the road, and you’re taking this one with other people. Different journey, but same section at the moment.

Early Sunday morning with coffee and my dogs. I learned some more about my husband’s previous relationships last night that was not pretty. A very old friend of his talked to me about it and confirmed to me I was right to call the police and hold him accountable. Saddening and relief in one.

I’m very tired but calm. I think I welcome the opportunity to grieve properly, and then to be able to process the shit almost separately. It is probably oversimplifying but it will do me for now.

thank you for listening 🌼

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 It sounds like you are doing the best in such a poor situation. Enjoy your coffee and give the dogs a fuss from me too