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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Called the police

424 replies

Userccjlnhibibljn8 · 20/02/2024 02:47

I finally snapped and called the police this evening, and my husband has been arrested. He was drunk and angry and hit me. It’s been escalating for months. In between feeling heartbroken what do I do next. Someone will be calling me in the morning to discuss next steps, and I assume if I want to take things further. We are married so what do I do? I put most money into the house, and I don’t want to have to be the one who leaves. Has anyone else been here and have advice. My heart can’t quite believe I have done this, but my head says I need to be safe and nothing short of a miracle can take us back to a good place.

OP posts:
MiltonNorthern · 23/02/2024 04:52

Quite likely I would guess. You can apply for a non molestation order in the meantime. You don't need a conviction for that but it will be complicated by the fact of the house not being resolved. You also need to get legal advice urgently about the house. Once the bail conditions have ended he will be able to come back in. An occupation order only lasts 56 days (? I think, around that) so you can apply for that as the end of the bail conditions are approaching but you need to use whatever time you have to get into court for your divorce and find a way to legally exclude him from the house.

Blackhairblackheart · 23/02/2024 11:23

Its down to the CPS to agree to get it to court but you could ask your officer in the case for an honest opinion on the strength of the case or an update if CPS have indicated a charge will be accepted

Have a chat with womens aid too, they will be able to help you no end

Original poster
Userccjlnhibibljn8 · 25/02/2024 06:27

Just checking in again. I have been amazed by how helpful the police have been, I will be meeting with my IDVA on Tuesday. I had a long conversation with them on Friday and feel confident they will be very helpful. I’ve spent the weekend with my best friend and been able to talk a lot about everything that has happened, and still know I did the right thing and on one level I feel relief and dis belief that I put up with it for so long. But I was married to two people, and the one I loved and loved me is now gone forever, and the other one will be hating me beyond a point of recovery. That is not a good feeling.

Just really wanting a place to shout out to in the early hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
Userccjlnhibibljn8 · 10/03/2024 07:58

Back again. Nearly 3 weeks in. Doing OK, with occasional screaming at the universe. Still really can’t believe that it is all over, it is like a bereavement, he is gone, and the daily chit chat and minutiae of 10 years is gone, and however much I know that the reality was that it was a crap, controlling, abusive marriage at the end, there were times we held each other, walked on beaches together, and loved each other, and that is what I am mourning. So I sit here in bed weeping, and being strong.

so much crap ahead to deal with…..

thank you internet strangers for listening xxx

OP posts:
Yirk · 10/03/2024 08:03

You have done amazing well, these early days are testing I know...scream and cry if you meed to, but keep moving forward, you will look back on this time one day and smile 🙂

Original poster
Userccjlnhibibljn8 · 13/03/2024 20:44

I am absolutely floored. The police are taking no further action, and his bail conditions have been lifted. Panicking to get the protection orders in place. My IDVA is equally surprised. I can’t believe how this is happening, everyone thought I was protected for another 6 weeks

OP posts:
Dotty87 · 14/03/2024 07:58

Userccjlnhibibljn8 · 13/03/2024 20:44

I am absolutely floored. The police are taking no further action, and his bail conditions have been lifted. Panicking to get the protection orders in place. My IDVA is equally surprised. I can’t believe how this is happening, everyone thought I was protected for another 6 weeks

Oh you poor thing, do you have anyone you can stay with? Or anyone who can stay with you? I can't offer any advice but hopefully someone else can.

Dotty87 · 15/03/2024 21:00

How are you doing today OP?

Original poster
Userccjlnhibibljn8 · 16/03/2024 07:31

@Dotty87 I’m ok, very up and down. I sent off the orders to the court for the non mol and occupation order yesterday, and have a friend staying with me over the weekend. I found the act of proceeding with the orders very hard as it is me saying I don’t want him to contact me not the police (if that makes sense). He’s been mailing and texting me, full of remorse and explanations and desire to go to couples counselling etc. I’m not answering, but it is a shock to see his name come up on the phone. Part of me wants to block, but also it helps me know what his state of mind is and what he is thinking which is relevant. Hopefully the order will be granted without notice and that will stop soon.

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 16/03/2024 07:57

That’s appalling. Can you appeal the decision not to prosecute?

Original poster
Userccjlnhibibljn8 · 16/03/2024 08:27

@Isthisit22 my IDVA is exploring that. I’m not sure, I think it is not going to change anything for me in the long run, and maybe it is best that I go forward rather than look back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Userccjlnhibibljn8 · 18/03/2024 19:35

Well it took 3 days. He roared up at the house blind drunk. Couldn’t access because I had chained up the gates and all doors locked. Didn’t do anything logical like ring the gate intercom or call and text me. Then went and broke a window to get access. I was on 999 the whole time and he was arrested. Back on bail. How his vehicle got there without him driving must be a miracle…….what has distressed me more is that I don’t get the feeling that the police are doing anything to link this to the earlier case which means so much explaining and I feel what does he have to do to to actually make me think he might be charged. (Had a witness in the house also….)

OP posts:
kayla12345 · 18/03/2024 19:40

I really hope you're okay OP. Show the text messages to the police too.

K0OLA1D · 18/03/2024 19:42

Ah op that's shit. I hope the police to take action and make the bloody links.

Do you still have someone with you?

TheShellBeach · 18/03/2024 19:45

I'm so sorry OP but it's a good thing you were on the phone all the time this was unfolding.
Also that you had a witness.

The police will interview you and you can point out the previous offence then.

IntriguingFactJumble · 18/03/2024 19:48

Sorry to hear that, but glad you had someone with you. Stay strong.

mumda · 18/03/2024 21:26

Make a complaint to the police if they don't follow this up properly.

TheShellBeach · 19/03/2024 16:03

How are you, OP?

Daleksatemyshed · 19/03/2024 18:45

I'm afraid it's the way of drunks @Userccjlnhibibljn8 , once they're sober again they're full of remorse but once they're drunk again all the anger comes back. Do you have the name of the PC who took your first complaint because if so you need to contact them and make them aware of the second offense, it's more likely you'll get a better result if the police can see repeat offending.

Well done for being so strong, the happy memories can be difficult to deal with but he's not that man anymore. Please remember that no matter what went before he has no right to raise his hand to you. Wishing you strength.

Original poster
Userccjlnhibibljn8 · 19/03/2024 19:28

I’m ok. This last incident has strengthened my resolve. I took my rings off yesterday morning . I am requesting a review of the original case, with the support of my IDVA. I have a non mol granted without notice now, and the first hearing for that and the occupation order is tomorrow. Nothing has moved with the police on Sunday’s incident as the officer in charge is on rest days till Thursday . It is all building a case. The reality is he will be able to control himself for a while, until he doesn’t, and then something else will happen to me or someone or something else….

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 19/03/2024 19:30

Well done on keeping your resolve.

TheFancyPoet · 19/03/2024 19:33

This is not a way to live and you did what was the only thing left to do.

Original poster
Userccjlnhibibljn8 · 19/03/2024 19:57

It is good to document as the story progresses, and I hope this will help others in the same position. I am an intelligent, successful woman, who is financially secure and confident enough to fight back. I am lucky, and I will be ok. I am also so blessed that I have a support system who have helped me, practically by looking after my dogs, or writing a timeline of the shit for me, or offering to give statements to the police, and emotionally by letting me rant at them. I do not underestimate my good fortune. (I can also pay lawyers and pay to install whatever security I need). Once I am through this I know what my passion will be, and I will work out what I can do to be some small part of that support system for someone else who does not have what I have.

Part of the reason I have now resolved to not let this rest is because it might help someone else. What shocks me now is that I tried to make it work for so long, if I can help anyone get out before it becomes unbearable I will.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 19/03/2024 20:31

What shocks me now is that I tried to make it work for so long, if I can help anyone get out before it becomes unbearable I will

I was the same, OP.

Looking back, I can't quite believe I put up with it for so long.

It took me ages to free myself.

pickledandpuzzled · 19/03/2024 20:41

It’s absolutely awful what they have to do to get put away for any length of time. A friend’s ex is in and out of jail because of similar behaviour. He just can’t keep away. It’s terrifying for her.

I’d suggest staying until everything is resolved, then going where he can’t find you.