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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aibu- His ex wants him to go to couples therapy

313 replies

orsina · 18/02/2024 00:51

I’ve been dating someone for 9 months. He left his partner shortly before we met. They were married, together 20 years but have no kids. Things have moved fairly quickly as we are late 30s and serious about each other and the same things, and he moved 300 miles down to where I live a couple of months ago so we could be together properly (albeit he has his own place and I have mine.) He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now, and the tax benefits are much better for married. I’m trying to be understanding as I know separations are tough, and I didn’t even mind they are amicable, she still talks to his mum who is going through cancer treatment etc as she’s known her forever, and he went back up to help her when their joint dog was sick which I thought was fair as he loves that dog. She sent him down a Xmas present. But she does know about me - I have iron proof of that. And I know he loves me, we have said it etc.

however. Today he told me that she has asked him to go to couples therapy with her, supposedly not for reconciliation but to help her move on from some things in their marriage. He is very caring about everyone and has considered it as he thinks it’ll help her move on. For me though, I was pretty shocked. This is not something I’ve heard of for couples who don’t have dc they are trying to have an amicable divorce for, or for couples who aren’t looking to reconcile. He doesn’t think it’s odd she asked, or disrespectful to us that he is considering it. They are both in individual therapy anyway. Part of me think if she was dating herself no way would she ask this of him.

Aibu about this? Would you have therapy with an ex you didn’t want to get back with who you didn’t have dc with or any other ties to, especially if you are in a new established relationship? I’m embarrassed to say I got a little upset today when he told me. No moves made to file for divorce although in his state no fault divorce only takes 2 months. Them having therapy when they’re not even officially divorcing makes me feel insecure.

OP posts:
BlondeAussie · 18/02/2024 12:57

"He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now, and the tax benefits are much better for married."

This is not a case of "They were married". They ARE married.

And, unless you are all in the U.S.A. where health insurance is tied to employment, there is no good reason for him to still be on his wife's employer's health insurance. Actually, it's surprising it would still be extended to a separated spouse living hundreds of miles away.

These don't seem good reasons to not begin divorce proceedings, unless he's not 100% sure he wants that divorce...be wary.

SquishyGloopyBum · 18/02/2024 13:00

orsina · 18/02/2024 12:47

@wizzywig i agree. I asked him why they never had counselling at any point when they were together and he had no response. I wish they had done that before he brought someone else into it. It feels so unfair at this point. He is even jealous of the ex I had from years ago, who I have no contact with, who is the bio father of my teenage daughter. He doesn’t even like me saying if I fancied a celebrity in the past. And yet he brought this up in an argument. And yes, he sent me an email last night saying he is ‘shocked’ at how I responded and how he ‘feels like he’s dead now’. None of this had to happen.

He sounds quite manipulative and controlling op based on his texts to you.

You can't even express a like for celebrities yet he's in daily contact with an ex and wants counselling with her?!

Beaverbridge · 18/02/2024 13:05

He sounds worse now. Get rid.

tutttutt · 18/02/2024 13:05

@orsina Throwing his ex at me is the red flag behaviour IMO, not mine. He has displayed insecurity and controlling behaviour, but that’s another thread. If I said this to him about my ex he would be really upset, he doesn’t even like me mentioning him.
So you don't seem to like him much. Why are you with him and why are you professing your love for this man fresh out of a 20 year relationship who has displayed insecure and controlling behaviour and who doesn't want you even mentioning him? 🙄

SpeculatingRooks · 18/02/2024 13:27

He doesn't like her mentioning her ex @tutttutt

2Rebecca · 18/02/2024 13:27

He sounds like a self centred drama queen. What is the feeling like he's dead nonsense all about. He needs to be on his own for a bit and develop some independence and resilience. It sounds as though he likes smothery very enmeshed relationships. I couldn't be bothered with his nonsense. At least it sounds like he hasn't moved in with you

Overwhelmedmum1 · 18/02/2024 13:31

Hi @orsina

The last thing I want to do is add to your anxiety and pain, but couples therapy? For two people apparently not in a couple? What’s the therapy for then? Especially if they are already amicable.

I think that this is a break for him rather than a permanent split. It sounds like she wants him back and he wants to go back after he’s had his fun. I agree with previous posters that despite what he’s said to you, it’s likely he will go back to his wife at some point and you will be collateral damage. I am sorry, it’s a horrible way to be treated.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2024 13:51

Don't really know what more any of us can say at this point. If you refuse to see what a con this man is, and if you don't want better for yourself than a married man who enjoys fucking you about, there's nothing more anyone can do to help you.

You've already wasted mine months, how many more are you willing to squander?

Mostlyoblivious · 18/02/2024 14:36

He’s in a open marriage by the sounds of it - she is giving him the space and time for him to do what he needs until he comes back to her or this could be the new set up. Emotionally he is still with her

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 18/02/2024 14:44

Wake Up.

You have set up camp with an unemployed, married man who has moved 300 miles in less than 9 months, who still is in regular contact with his wife.

Sounds like a rebound or mild life crisis of some sort.

Why would you want something so mess up?

SatdayHatday · 18/02/2024 14:49

Sounds to me like she doesn't know he has moved on.

Cafuddle · 18/02/2024 14:52

This definitely isn’t necessary if you’re in counselling alone. She will be able to get closure that way. They need to step back from each other whether there is a dog involved or not.

Wonderingforever · 18/02/2024 15:07

I'm pretty shocked at how naive you are.

Firstly she owes you and your relationship absolutely nothing. She's still his wife. He is still having an emotional connection and relationship with her. She probably thinks your a revenge for her cheating on him.

You have opened yourself up to an emotional mess by moving in with someone who is still married, had barely seperated. Is unemployed so benefits from living with you.

Of course after 20 plus years together it's all shiny and new and amazing with you.

That doesn't mean he is available to be a good partner to you to build a life with.

Why would you want to build a life with someone who is staying married for the reasons you listed? In their 40s. Because they aren't capable of providing for themselves. What would he do without you?

Honestly never mind worrying about couples therapy for them. Consider getting your own to work out how you ended up here and how to change it.

chrisfromcardiff · 18/02/2024 15:08

orsina · 18/02/2024 00:51

I’ve been dating someone for 9 months. He left his partner shortly before we met. They were married, together 20 years but have no kids. Things have moved fairly quickly as we are late 30s and serious about each other and the same things, and he moved 300 miles down to where I live a couple of months ago so we could be together properly (albeit he has his own place and I have mine.) He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now, and the tax benefits are much better for married. I’m trying to be understanding as I know separations are tough, and I didn’t even mind they are amicable, she still talks to his mum who is going through cancer treatment etc as she’s known her forever, and he went back up to help her when their joint dog was sick which I thought was fair as he loves that dog. She sent him down a Xmas present. But she does know about me - I have iron proof of that. And I know he loves me, we have said it etc.

however. Today he told me that she has asked him to go to couples therapy with her, supposedly not for reconciliation but to help her move on from some things in their marriage. He is very caring about everyone and has considered it as he thinks it’ll help her move on. For me though, I was pretty shocked. This is not something I’ve heard of for couples who don’t have dc they are trying to have an amicable divorce for, or for couples who aren’t looking to reconcile. He doesn’t think it’s odd she asked, or disrespectful to us that he is considering it. They are both in individual therapy anyway. Part of me think if she was dating herself no way would she ask this of him.

Aibu about this? Would you have therapy with an ex you didn’t want to get back with who you didn’t have dc with or any other ties to, especially if you are in a new established relationship? I’m embarrassed to say I got a little upset today when he told me. No moves made to file for divorce although in his state no fault divorce only takes 2 months. Them having therapy when they’re not even officially divorcing makes me feel insecure.

I would, very kindly, tell him that the relationship is on hold (over?) until he is totally divorced. You are setting yourself up for some heartache. He is much too much still attached to his "ex."

rainbowstardrops · 18/02/2024 15:08

His response to you speaks volumes. Listen to it.

chrisfromcardiff · 18/02/2024 15:10

orsina · 18/02/2024 01:10

But at the same time, they are not divorced, she is technically his wife, so is it like, who am I to say they shouldn’t have counselling? He has not broken that legal commitment to her. I don’t want to be pushy or unsupportive because he made sacrifices to move down here to me.

Walk away right now. This is a horrible situation. Abortion when they were in their teens and they are still dealing with it? Dying dog? Couples therapy? Children? This is a shit show. Please get out of this very short relationship.

JanefromLondon1 · 18/02/2024 15:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2024 15:44

orsina · 18/02/2024 01:01

They have not had any period of NC after separating and they talk a few times a week on phone. I don’t see why they don’t both go NC especially her if she needs to move on. Sorry, just need to get all this out!

Oh dear...

Throw this one back. They're still connected

lostwithoutpronouns · 18/02/2024 16:13

You're with a married man. He's been married for 20 years and still is.

If he loves you he can sort himself out and come back in a year, divorced and ready to move on.

AelinAshriver · 18/02/2024 17:14

orsina · 18/02/2024 12:47

@wizzywig i agree. I asked him why they never had counselling at any point when they were together and he had no response. I wish they had done that before he brought someone else into it. It feels so unfair at this point. He is even jealous of the ex I had from years ago, who I have no contact with, who is the bio father of my teenage daughter. He doesn’t even like me saying if I fancied a celebrity in the past. And yet he brought this up in an argument. And yes, he sent me an email last night saying he is ‘shocked’ at how I responded and how he ‘feels like he’s dead now’. None of this had to happen.

He is even jealous of the ex I had from years ago, who I have no contact with....He doesn’t even like me saying if I fancied a celebrity in the past.

This is incredibly common and controlling behaviour for men who are projecting: When a cheating partner suspects that the other person in the relationship is being unfaithful. They project their own infidelity to their partner, transferring their own behaviors and shame.

PP are right. You are the other woman.

vincettenoir · 18/02/2024 17:18

The more you say about him the more he seems v intense (and not in a good way). If you’re a mum in your 30s my guess is you probably don’t have room for this in your life.

GingerIsBest · 18/02/2024 17:29

Oh come on OP. You don't see the red flags?! He's with her for 20 years then is in a relationship with you within weeks/months? Then he moves to be closer to you after a really short time (and, am I understanding.correctly that you are living together but he "had his own place" elsewhere. And I assume you pay all the bills at yours?)

She apparently cheated on him but he's so relaxed about that they're still good friends?

Hes soooo in love with you and he's never had a connection like this with anyone else?

Bloody hell, he hasn't even TRIED to be subtle here.

Original poster
orsina · 18/02/2024 17:47

@GingerIsBest subtle about what exactly?

OP posts:
Original poster
orsina · 18/02/2024 18:10

To the posters saying I am the OW or that she is still his wife etc, have you never come across people dating when separated? I feel like even on mn I often read that people are dating for years even without getting divorced for financial reasons etc. as I said he had left his wife before he met me. So separated physically for almost a year and dating anyone new means it’s an affair? Really?

OP posts:
WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 18/02/2024 18:21

@orsina

I don't think posters mean it in that way. It's more that in the dynamic of yours, your partners and his ex wife's relationship, you hold the value of the other women.

Obviously lots of people get together whilst not officially divorced but the relationships that succeed have boundaries and do not resemble the situation it appears you find yourself in now.

Im sure he talks the talk and tells you all the right things to mitigate the fact he is still in a emotional relationship with his wife, but the fact of the matter is his actions are showing you something completely different.

I understand he moved to be closer to you and you may take that as a sign of his commitment but in all honesty that probably happened because his life turned upside down, stability was pulled from under his feet, he was caught up in the feelings of a new relationship and the lust that accompanies it and quite frankly had nothing to lose (especially not having employment).

I really feel for you because you clearly have a lot of feelings for him, he probably does for you too but I doubt to the extent where your bond is going to come anywhere close to his and his wife's. Do you really want to be the rebound who is burdened with the emotional baggage of a 20 year marriage ending (but not ending at the same time)?