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Original poster

Aibu- His ex wants him to go to couples therapy

313 replies

orsina · 18/02/2024 00:51

I’ve been dating someone for 9 months. He left his partner shortly before we met. They were married, together 20 years but have no kids. Things have moved fairly quickly as we are late 30s and serious about each other and the same things, and he moved 300 miles down to where I live a couple of months ago so we could be together properly (albeit he has his own place and I have mine.) He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now, and the tax benefits are much better for married. I’m trying to be understanding as I know separations are tough, and I didn’t even mind they are amicable, she still talks to his mum who is going through cancer treatment etc as she’s known her forever, and he went back up to help her when their joint dog was sick which I thought was fair as he loves that dog. She sent him down a Xmas present. But she does know about me - I have iron proof of that. And I know he loves me, we have said it etc.

however. Today he told me that she has asked him to go to couples therapy with her, supposedly not for reconciliation but to help her move on from some things in their marriage. He is very caring about everyone and has considered it as he thinks it’ll help her move on. For me though, I was pretty shocked. This is not something I’ve heard of for couples who don’t have dc they are trying to have an amicable divorce for, or for couples who aren’t looking to reconcile. He doesn’t think it’s odd she asked, or disrespectful to us that he is considering it. They are both in individual therapy anyway. Part of me think if she was dating herself no way would she ask this of him.

Aibu about this? Would you have therapy with an ex you didn’t want to get back with who you didn’t have dc with or any other ties to, especially if you are in a new established relationship? I’m embarrassed to say I got a little upset today when he told me. No moves made to file for divorce although in his state no fault divorce only takes 2 months. Them having therapy when they’re not even officially divorcing makes me feel insecure.

OP posts:
Original poster
orsina · 18/02/2024 02:22

I got upset and I raised my voice and swore and I’m questioning if I overreacted, but more and more I think, no how was I supposed to react? We were having a disagreement about something else and he then said “I’m thinking about having couples counselling with X” and I was like wtf?? And he then backtracked saying she asked but he had decided to say no. But it felt like a way to take a shot at me. He hasn’t been in contact with me and I feel like I’m going to get dumped.

OP posts:
Original poster
orsina · 18/02/2024 02:23

He said he was just trying to be honest and yet tbh I would rather he not tell me she had asked, if he was going to say no anyway. But he says maybe I don’t think honesty is important in a relationship.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 18/02/2024 02:24

It is nothing to do with you either stay with him or not but their relationship is their business

caringcarer · 18/02/2024 02:25

orsina · 18/02/2024 02:22

I got upset and I raised my voice and swore and I’m questioning if I overreacted, but more and more I think, no how was I supposed to react? We were having a disagreement about something else and he then said “I’m thinking about having couples counselling with X” and I was like wtf?? And he then backtracked saying she asked but he had decided to say no. But it felt like a way to take a shot at me. He hasn’t been in contact with me and I feel like I’m going to get dumped.

Get in and dump him first. He's still very enmeshed with his wife. When something comes up he's worried about like his Mum being ill it's her he calls not you. He still cares about her feelings which is a huge giveaway he still loves her. I'd throw him back because I'm sure you can do better. Find someone who's free to love you and only you.

mycatsanutter · 18/02/2024 02:42

@orsina honestly I wouldn't bother with this one he hasn't been split up with her for very long , they talk on the phone loads , she wants to go to counselling it's like there is 3 of you in the relationship. I went out with a bloke in similar circumstances and like you I was trying to be cool about it all . Then one day he said ' it is possible to love 2 people isn't it?' And I just thought this is absolutely ridiculous what the fuck am I doing !!

Guavafish1 · 18/02/2024 03:14

Too heavy and complicated for a 9 month relationship.

HenndigoOZ · 18/02/2024 03:51

It sounds like they are still husband and wife platonically and she meets some of his needs and vice versa. Your boyfriend probably should have spent some time on his own first after their separation, decoupling after 20 years before starting a new relationship.

My ex tried to have that kind of enmeshed relationship with me, even with a new girlfriend on the scene. It was very uncomfortable being messaged several times a day with his musings and I had to put boundaries in place.

MCOut · 18/02/2024 03:58

In the kindest way you entered a relationship with this man knowing he had recently left a 20 year marriage. This was always going to be a risk. Personally, I think you should end the relationship because it is already uncomfortable for you and he needs time on his own.

TwangBoob · 18/02/2024 04:00

"...he called her about his mums illness but didn’t call me. He said it’s because I don’t reliably pick up the phone and she does"

Whaaaaattttt? Fuck off mate (is what you should be saying)

JanglingJack · 18/02/2024 04:03

It looks to me like he rebounded too quickly. He still clearly loves and cares about her, which is fine. Couples counselling is odd under the circumstances, unless he does want to be back with her.

Unfortunately your 9 months is like 10 minutes compared to their 20 years.

I think you need to start protecting yourself. You can't be with someone who is having therapy with their ex.

user1492757084 · 18/02/2024 04:14

Call it quits for a set time..

Give him three - four months to engage in couples therapy, instigate the divorce, decide that he is free to date and to resume in a committed relationship with no interaction with ex except for planned, acceptable communication mode involving the dog.

Talk plainly and clearly about what you will accept.

You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is available. You are wasting your time, otherwise.
It seems like he is yet to be voluntarily detached.
He needs to prove it.

AliceOlive · 18/02/2024 04:40

He’s an unemployed married man. Not great dating material. You deserve better.

TiredCatLady · 18/02/2024 05:02

Unfortunately, rather than going for all this enmeshed/codependent etc, I think you are simply being lied to.

He won’t divorce her because they’re still together. Maybe gone through a rocky patch but together. If you were 300 miles apart how did you meet? Do you see each other every day? When did he last see sleep with her? Convenient sob story about a sick mother and frail dog and out of work and…

End it and block him.

Olika · 18/02/2024 05:04

Just end it. He is still too involved with his ex (and his ex with him even more) and you are just wasting your years away. The couples therapy is just icing on the cake. This all is just not worth it.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 18/02/2024 05:14

Personally, I'd end it.

PoppingTomorrow · 18/02/2024 06:11

TwangBoob · 18/02/2024 04:00

"...he called her about his mums illness but didn’t call me. He said it’s because I don’t reliably pick up the phone and she does"

Whaaaaattttt? Fuck off mate (is what you should be saying)

Exactly
And he told you about the couples therspy request by flinging it at you in an argument? Not cool.

Is he living with you?

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/02/2024 06:12

EcstaticMarmalade · 18/02/2024 02:11

To be honest I think it’s too likely that to both her and him you’re an allowable
dalliance. She cheated so he’s allowed to play away for a bit, but they haven’t really broken up legally or emotionally. If I were you I would
run.

This is a distinct possibility. I take it he’s living with you. It sounds as though if you ended it he’d go back to her.

BarbieDangerous · 18/02/2024 06:19

Red flags all over the gaff

EmilyGilmoreenergy · 18/02/2024 06:34

He / she/ they also sounds incredibly emotionally immature if a teenage termination 20 years ago is still something that is considered as a huge life event.
After a 20 year marriage most adults have gained plenty of perspective and experiences that this would just be a small part of.

As PP has said get out of this now, take some control back.

Cornflakelover · 18/02/2024 07:45

She’s not technically his wife

she is legally is wife . Your either a wife or not - there isn’t anything technical about it

Nicole1111 · 18/02/2024 08:20

He hasn’t gained enough separation from her emotionally to be in a new relationship. Maybe he’ll be able to get there with time but that time isn’t now. If you stay you’re committing to however long of feeling second place to an ex, either because he’s decided to go to counselling with her or because he seeks emotional support from her rather than you.

IRockdontyaknow · 18/02/2024 08:30

I'm wondering why you're ok with being in a relationship with someone who is still in a relationship with someone else. If he was serious about you he'd have made moves to cut ties and put in boundaries with his ex.

I'm pretty sure his ex would find it much easier to move on if she knew about you but for some reason he hasn't told her, I wonder why??

Datingahhhhhhhh · 18/02/2024 08:33

@orsina He has rebounded too quickly from a very long marriage and you have got involved with him knowing this. Unfortunately here comes the repercussions of doing so. He hasn’t emotionally untangled himself from his ex and the fact he’s considering doing therapy with her and telling you about it shows he’s still trying to heal from his broken marriage but using you as a crutch in the meantime. He is currently getting something from you and something from his ex, so he’s not going to want to change anything right now… it’s down to you to see the light here and let him go. Find yourself someone who is 100% available… not someone who is still married and emotionally tangled up still with his wife. I think most people would have avoided getting involved with someone so fresh out of a 20 year marriage, why didn’t you?

belgiumchocolates · 18/02/2024 08:33

Is wife supporting him financially becuase he is not working. How is he affording to live currently. Could this be why he is hanging on to her ?

woowooohoo · 18/02/2024 08:40

So he was with his wife from childhood, 20years later they split and within a year he has got with you and moved closer to you? Sounds absolutely crackers. I'm not saying he has lead you on intentionally and he seems serious about you to move all that way but goodness me, has he actually had any time alone to process his split? Twenty years is such a long time!

Absolutely sounds like he hasn't moved on, speaking with her three times a week? She is still very much in with his family? Are you sure this is a permanent split?

I'm not surprised she needs counselling but no, counselling les therapy is not what she needs. He needs to act like they have actually split up, so do his family.