Aibu- His ex wants him to go to couples therapy

[orsina]

I’ve been dating someone for 9 months. He left his partner shortly before we met. They were married, together 20 years but have no kids. Things have moved fairly quickly as we are late 30s and serious about each other and the same things, and he moved 300 miles down to where I live a couple of months ago so we could be together properly (albeit he has his own place and I have mine.) He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now, and the tax benefits are much better for married. I’m trying to be understanding as I know separations are tough, and I didn’t even mind they are amicable, she still talks to his mum who is going through cancer treatment etc as she’s known her forever, and he went back up to help her when their joint dog was sick which I thought was fair as he loves that dog. She sent him down a Xmas present. But she does know about me - I have iron proof of that. And I know he loves me, we have said it etc.

however. Today he told me that she has asked him to go to couples therapy with her, supposedly not for reconciliation but to help her move on from some things in their marriage. He is very caring about everyone and has considered it as he thinks it’ll help her move on. For me though, I was pretty shocked. This is not something I’ve heard of for couples who don’t have dc they are trying to have an amicable divorce for, or for couples who aren’t looking to reconcile. He doesn’t think it’s odd she asked, or disrespectful to us that he is considering it. They are both in individual therapy anyway. Part of me think if she was dating herself no way would she ask this of him.

Aibu about this? Would you have therapy with an ex you didn’t want to get back with who you didn’t have dc with or any other ties to, especially if you are in a new established relationship? I’m embarrassed to say I got a little upset today when he told me. No moves made to file for divorce although in his state no fault divorce only takes 2 months. Them having therapy when they’re not even officially divorcing makes me feel insecure.

Bloody hell, OP.

Grow a backbone.
Develop some self respect.
Raise your standards from rock bottom.

This deeply enmeshed married couple are on a break.

She is planning on getting him back.

All his considerations are for her. If he had any for you he would be no contact - other than to get the fricking divorce at least on the bottom rung of the ladder.

You are the temp, the other woman.

She's the financial advantage, the tax and insurance bla bla bla.

Incidentally, are you housing and financially supporting this unemployed married man?

So you share a hobby. Is that enough to let yourself be messed about like this by the pair of them?

She sounds ghastly - but you only have his account of her, of course.

I'm willing to bet there are plenty of other men out there who share your interests.

I would absolutely not let myself be apart of this situation even if I loved the person.

Ex has had time away from your partner, had time to consider things, watched as her husband started a relationship with somebody else, decided she wants to work things out and is reeling him in under the guise of working through emotional issues.

Your partner is also just as culpable, he speaks to her a few times a week and is considering joint therapy whilst supposedly in love and committed to you? Doesn't sound like it to me- His ex will know this too.

They are both still in a relationship, they just don't have sex or live with each other. They haven't cut the ties required to truly separate and it's very likely that you will turn into collateral damage of their split/reconciliation.

There are red flags all over this.

He sounds too emotionally invested in her to be with you and in case you missed it you are in a relationship with someone else's husband.

Additionally, he sounds as if he is living a double life due to the way he keeps popping back to see her, and he also sounds like he's spinning you a yarn...

I'd send him back, he sounds completely enmeshed with her.
This should be a clean break as there's no kids.
Move on, you can do much better than this guy.

There's no reason for them to be in so much contact with each other. They sound co-dependant.

He's probably one of those 'nice' blokes who can't put a proper end to things for fear of hurting his ex's feelings. I'd not be happy about this at all.

Bin him off for all the reasons stated here. What "tax benefits" US this unemployed person getting? Couples counselling with the wife? WTF is all of this?

If they're all so friendless why did they split up??!!. Nah he's at it, get rid.

Sorry OP but you are having the piss ripped out of you. They don't even sound like they have actually separated tbh

I can definitely see how having couples therapy with an amicable ex could be beneficial. Apart from obvious things like getting closure on specific issues and getting to express your feelings in a "safe" space, you could also discuss how you could be a better partner in future relationships or what was good in this relationship that you want to seek in future. Yes, you could do this alone or in your own therapy, but having "customer feedback" as it were is a valuable resource.

But I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who was doing this with their ex. I think it needs to have happened before either of you move on. I think once you're in a new relationship, you need to be focused on that and working with what is in front of you. The discussions I mentioned above aren't relevant when you've already found someone new, they're more tailored to working on yourself to help the search.

OP im not one of those mners who thinks you shouldn't ever go out with someone until their divorce is finalized (both me and dp were still legally married when we got together, but very much separated, living apart, long drawn-out divorced well underway) but he's not even started the divorce process, is very enmeshed and considering counselling with his wife?

He needs to make a decision - he can't be with both of you and you're not happy with him being so enmeshed with her despite no kids. He should be divorcing and closing that chapter, amicably if possible. The relationship is over, no need for joint counselling at all

People have obviously no idea what counselling is for. People who have 100% split can and do have couples counselling to bring closure and who are you after a mere 9 months to feel you have any right to stop this after 20 years. They literally grew up together.

They’re on a break.

They may be separated by distance but their relationship isn’t separated. Tread carefully.

God you are callous. The easier her journey moving forward the quicker you will have him all to yourself. Good grief I'd be out of there if I was him. You sound immature, paranoid and controlling

Cold callous behaviour is something you are demonstrating and this will be a feature of who you are forever if you don't perhaps seek help for your jealous and paranoid nature

Not RTFT but you said: “However, He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now.”

It seems pretty shoddy and selfish to me for him to leave his wife but remain on her health insurance scheme. He doesn’t want to be with her anymore so he can’t have the privileges which come from being with her, surely.

They're on a break; she wants him back. This is to messy, I'd step back from your relationship and leave them to it.

Sounds like they will get back together.

He's not ready for a new relationship. Cut your losses.

You seem v reasonable and not insecure about unnecessary stuff. This is a lot for you to take in, understandably.

I don't know if it would make you feel any different if they agreed for it to be a time limited thing? Maybe 3 or 6 sessions. If they have 1 or 2 discreet things to discuss (like the abortion) I wouldn't expect that to take too long. I can absolutely see why you don't want this hanging over you for months (or at all).

Exactly. And one still leeching off his wife's company health insurance. Repulsive.

Um, he's not moved on either. I think you're blaming her when he's waving 100 red flags you're just ignoring.
Just leave him and investigate why you accepted this weird arrangement - come on, he might be a nice man, but you deserve more.

He's never felt this way before as you're likely to his second romantic relationship. He probably has no idea what to do. And yeah I know this sounds harsh, but why is she now seeking counselling for am abortion that happened 20 years ago? Why now? Very convenient for her. He'll have to stay over weekly for those sessions as it's quite a distance away

Seriously? Are you saying most people be happy with this then? they split up before he met me, and he has been the one driving our relationship forward since - wanting to commit, moving near me, talking about future kids and marriage, and he also told me that he was distancing himself from her as he recognised he needed to let go of the past, and that their relationship hadn’t been good for him. Now, he said this (in an argument type context.) Throwing his ex at me is the red flag behaviour IMO, not mine. He has displayed insecurity and controlling behaviour, but that’s another thread. If I said this to him about my ex he would be really upset, he doesn’t even like me mentioning him.
you have made some pretty big assumptions about me based on very limited info but hope it makes your day to put down strangers on the internet.

@wizzywig i agree. I asked him why they never had counselling at any point when they were together and he had no response. I wish they had done that before he brought someone else into it. It feels so unfair at this point. He is even jealous of the ex I had from years ago, who I have no contact with, who is the bio father of my teenage daughter. He doesn’t even like me saying if I fancied a celebrity in the past. And yet he brought this up in an argument. And yes, he sent me an email last night saying he is ‘shocked’ at how I responded and how he ‘feels like he’s dead now’. None of this had to happen.

Totally disagree with @tutttutt
I think you know what to do - time to end it, and let him (& her) do whatever they need to do.

It sounds like he's jumped from one relationship to another, without actually getting over the marriage - and unfortunately, you are going to become collateral damage.

You've done nothing wrong, and how you feel is how the majority of people would feel.
Perhaps in the future, take things a little slower, and keep your eyes peeled for red flags.....

🙁 for you...

This sums it up.

You are 100% a rebound and will be collateral damage as their marriage implodes.

You don't have any happy fututre with this guy. Really think hard about ending it.