Dear OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
You fell out of a bad relationship looking for love, happiness, a great future for yourself and your daughter. And why the hell not. We deserve it.
Unfortunately you encountered a mess of a man who's never been an independent individual, who's been damaged by whatever happened in his marriage, yet never did the work to heal and progress other than quack pop psychology.
You have no idea of the truth of his relationship. Just his story.
Everything you say suggests he's a narcissistic coercive controller, adept at twisting and warping reality, using words to injure, derail conversations and mess up your head.
Both you and his wife are his suppliers. He's the customer who's always right, requiring services and delivery to his specifications. If his suppliers fall short, they are always to blame.
He's now constructing the ‘you’re inadequate, unreasonable and crazy ‘ narrative and throwing the results of his behaviour in your face.
Print the following out and stick it on your fridge, by your landline, on your laptop, on your front door, screenshot as your phone home screen so you can see it every time you set out to answer, text, email, call, meet him.
Think of your daughter.
These aren't our words.
They're yours.
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He hasn’t filed for divorce yet
his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good
he is between jobs right now
the tax benefits are much better for married
I’m embarrassed to say I got a little upset today when he told me.
No moves made to file for divorce although in his state no fault divorce only takes 2 months.
Them having therapy when they’re not even officially divorcing makes me feel insecure.
He told me that she has asked him to go to couples therapy with her, supposedly not for reconciliation but to help her move on from some things in their marriage.
He … has considered it as he thinks it’ll help her move on.
For me though, I was pretty shocked.
He doesn’t think it’s odd she asked, or disrespectful to us that he is considering it.
Them having therapy when they’re not even officially divorcing makes me feel insecure.
They are both still affected about an abortion when they were teenagers. They’re now in their forties.
I feel like I can’t compete with a woman he’s known his whole adult life though.
But he did also send her a card when she was sick lately,
I feel like I am expected to just accept her.
they are not divorced, she is technically his wife
I don’t want to be pushy or unsupportive because he made sacrifices to move
if he was as unhappy with her as he made out, why would he not have cut ties, especially having met someone else? It never seems to end.
he called her about his mums illness but didn’t call me. He said it’s because I don’t reliably pick up the phone and she does
We were having a disagreement about something else and he then said “I’m thinking about having couples counselling with X” and I was like wtf??
And he then backtracked saying she asked but he had decided to say no. But it felt like a way to take a shot at me. He hasn’t been in contact with me and I feel like I’m going to get dumped.
he says maybe I don’t think honesty is important in a relationship.
Throwing his ex at me is the red flag behaviour
He has displayed insecurity and controlling behaviour
If I said this to him about my ex he would be really upset, he doesn’t even like me mentioning him.
He is even jealous of the ex I had from years ago, who I have no contact with, who is the bio father of my teenage daughter.
He doesn’t even like me saying if I fancied a celebrity in the past
And yet he brought this up in an argument.
And yes, he sent me an email last night saying he is ‘shocked’ at how I responded and how he ‘feels like he’s dead now’.
Physically moving away from her has not severed the bond
he has not started the process of divorce.
I feel I have minimised this a lot over the weeks/months.
at Christmas she sent him a little tree and some decorations in case he was ‘lonely’
he went up there for a week to help her after surgery and then he sent her a card
They talk on the phone a few times a week
someone you are still married to, who asks you to still be their emotional support, isn’t the same as a normal friendship.
I struggle as to why he has not at least even filed the papers.
It seems like an excuse.
I feel like he is in some way ‘keeping her warm’. I feel so so shit about this.
I’ve invested a lot of time and energy in him and us and I feel like maybe I’ve been stupid.
Am I not allowed to feel hurt and frustrated that this separated man pursued me HARD on the basis that he was over that relationship, made moves to apparently commit, but is possibly just using me as a ‘distraction’?
he has sexual issues and trust issues from that marriage.
it’s very confusing to me why he is wasting my time.
I just feel so frustrated right now. So upset.
I feel used.
He says he has never been so insecure as he feels with me. But with this enmeshment with his wife I find that odd.
Why would I intro my daughter to a man going to counselling with his wife who wasn’t on way to divorce?
I am haunted by this idea of being a rebound.
He also said to me today that he said “I think I’m going to couples counselling with X” intentionally to upset me as id hurt him with something I said before.
It’s like I’ve ruined everything. When he’s the one who said something hurtful. I feel like it’s all been twisted to me being the ‘bad one’.
He has stormed off on me in the past while out, broken up with me then changed his mind almost immediately, withdrawn sex in the past
I feel totally yanked around emotionally.
A mess.
I have tried to make time for him almost every day and it has not been enough eg. if I don’t always pick up the phone or answer texts quickly, or if I haven’t introduced him to my daughter, or if I havent given an idea of when we will potentially move in, he says this shows we aren’t progressing. But equally his divorce has not progressed.
How naive was I to swallow all his stuff
I feel like a fun sex thing for him after a desert of a marriage.
it’s like he doesn’t even like me being more fiery or honest or passionate than his ex, he just likes the idea of those things
he’s saying, deliberately to upset me, that they’re considering couples therapy. I really did snap.
He is implying I am the abusive one. I feel gutted.
he constantly compares our relationship to their past one.
he keeps showing me things like tony robins “polarisation” where men need to have ‘masculine energy’ and women need to have ‘feminine energy’ or attraction is lost, and his wife didn’t have enough feminine energy and by not ‘needing him’ I am not making him feel masculine
when I said i prioritise my daughter especially since she has no dad, but I still feel I can have a very loving relationship, he said that could be an issue for him.
I feel so dumb. I feel like my head is all over the place. When I spend time with him I often feel so drained afterwards. It’s so emotionally intense
He stonewalled me on Xmas day because he felt like “an outsider” (why he didn’t go see family for Xmas I don’t know, I suggested it.)
The brief times we have gone a couple days without speaking I feel a weight has lifted. But then when he has me on a string like this I feel like I can’t think of anything else.
He constantly says my lack of progression/big commitment has made him feel anxious and insecure.
it just doesn’t feed his ego enough.
He is trying to manipulate me with this god given ‘need’ he supposedly has to be ‘needed’ by me
When I think of splitting up I jsut feel so sad and paralysed and afraid.
I can’t believe I minimised this all so much for so long
he doesn’t like it if I’m not always able to come to the phone
when he has been feeling down he has rung his ex as he feels she is reliable and she has always been there for him. She is clearly happy to still be.
I don’t get why she doesn’t want to move on from a man who is seeing another woman. (Really??!)
you can’t get serious with someone else and still keep your wife dangling if you are truly separated, surel
2’weeks into us chatting he sent me an arsey email asking if I was ashamed of him because he called me when my phone was upstairs charging during dinner when I was visiting family I rarely see!!
nd I’m anxious that if he calls me and I don’t answer, it will lead to a row. Or I am trying to figure out when I can call him, to head off a row
I really haven’t thought about my needs in this.
He is dragging out his marriage, enmeshed with his wife and even weaponising their relationship to upset me, he has stormed off on me on a nice day out I organised, he has had a go at me on phone so much about petty things like missing calls, that I feel anxious to speak to him sometimes.
He is so critical of me actually. And of his ex. He says she lied, she was a cheater, she didn’t offer him emotional support or appreciate his creative work even though she did financially support him for a few years!
Like all his issues are someone else’s fault. And now I feel like our “issues” (not communicating enough, not progressing quick enough) are my fault.
He devalues me when I have displeased such asserting my boundaries on things like communication or the speed of our relationship.
He has actually dumped me once before, other times he has just said we should stop having sex for a while
Why didn’t he put energy into finalising his separation and starting/completing divorce before pursuing a serious relationship with someone else?
I feel like I have been so stupid and taken for a complete ride.
am walking around feeling like I have a pit in my stomach,
now he has painted me as some kind of abuser who can’t be a good partner or mother.
Even though I know he isn’t a good guy. I feel like I’m in withdrawal or something.
His behaviour is so extreme good or bad, and I feel like I’ve been in a triangle
. I guess the lack of getting moving on dividing the stuff is another massive red flag
It makes me feel so stupid now. I never wanted to steal someone’s husband. It all feels so messy and murky.
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Please read your own words and consider what the future for you and your daughter would hold with him it.