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Original poster

Aibu- His ex wants him to go to couples therapy

313 replies

orsina · 18/02/2024 00:51

I’ve been dating someone for 9 months. He left his partner shortly before we met. They were married, together 20 years but have no kids. Things have moved fairly quickly as we are late 30s and serious about each other and the same things, and he moved 300 miles down to where I live a couple of months ago so we could be together properly (albeit he has his own place and I have mine.) He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now, and the tax benefits are much better for married. I’m trying to be understanding as I know separations are tough, and I didn’t even mind they are amicable, she still talks to his mum who is going through cancer treatment etc as she’s known her forever, and he went back up to help her when their joint dog was sick which I thought was fair as he loves that dog. She sent him down a Xmas present. But she does know about me - I have iron proof of that. And I know he loves me, we have said it etc.

however. Today he told me that she has asked him to go to couples therapy with her, supposedly not for reconciliation but to help her move on from some things in their marriage. He is very caring about everyone and has considered it as he thinks it’ll help her move on. For me though, I was pretty shocked. This is not something I’ve heard of for couples who don’t have dc they are trying to have an amicable divorce for, or for couples who aren’t looking to reconcile. He doesn’t think it’s odd she asked, or disrespectful to us that he is considering it. They are both in individual therapy anyway. Part of me think if she was dating herself no way would she ask this of him.

Aibu about this? Would you have therapy with an ex you didn’t want to get back with who you didn’t have dc with or any other ties to, especially if you are in a new established relationship? I’m embarrassed to say I got a little upset today when he told me. No moves made to file for divorce although in his state no fault divorce only takes 2 months. Them having therapy when they’re not even officially divorcing makes me feel insecure.

OP posts:
faxnoink · 18/02/2024 08:45

He's still married to his wife because he's still with his wife.

RedHelenB · 18/02/2024 08:49

orsina · 18/02/2024 01:01

They have not had any period of NC after separating and they talk a few times a week on phone. I don’t see why they don’t both go NC especially her if she needs to move on. Sorry, just need to get all this out!

You're the OW, just be clear on that.

AprilDecember · 18/02/2024 08:52

Wow he's mugging off two women and you're both lying down and taking it. Sad.

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/02/2024 08:55

You are in your late 30s and I think you are completely wasting your precious time with this man.

It is interesting that they had an abortion but didn't go on to have more children. Did they want that? Is this what they are struggling with?

anxioussister · 18/02/2024 08:55

I’m sorry if this seems terribly unfeeling

But still being jointly so impacted by an abortion you had in your teenage years - as a forty year old with 20 years of marriage behind you - seems to be clutching at trauma straws.

They sound like they’re pretty co-dependent despite their breakup.

He sounds like he needs to be needed - and hasn’t even remotely moved past feeling like it’s his job to rescue her.

I suspect that if you have a firm conversation about needing to separate from her fully he’ll find every excuse in the book about ways she still needs him.

Sparklfairy · 18/02/2024 08:57

He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now, and the tax benefits are much better for married.

He's already admitted to you, albeit indirectly, that he wants to have his cake and eat it. He's holding on to the benefits that marriage brings, and I'd be wondering what other perks he's been keeping around as well.

Even if he's just 'keeping her sweet' to hold onto the above, you'd be nuts to pursue this relationship. At best, he's stringing her along for his own benefit, which is dishonest and cruel. At worst... well... you do the maths.

Fargo79 · 18/02/2024 09:06

He quite clearly is not emotionally available to you or anywhere near ready for a new relationship.

The fact that your relationship is so intense when he's VERY recently out of a 20 year marriage that has spanned his entire adult life, is a huge red flag on its own.

They appear to have some kind of trauma bond, they are deeply enmeshed, they don't actually seem to want to end their connection. I can't see how this can possibly end happily for you. He is still very much married to this woman.

In addition, he's jobless. He has his wife responsible for his health cover and presumably you are covering his living expenses. No wonder he's been so quick to progress your relationship and get "serious". It comes with huge financial benefits for him, from the sounds of it. Another red flag.

rainbowstardrops · 18/02/2024 09:11

Well there's clearly three people in your relationship.
Couples counselling when you're not a couple? Yeah right!

Daffodilsandsunshine · 18/02/2024 09:12

How is he paying his rent if he's not working? Why is he still on her health insurance if they've separated? What do they still need to talk about three times a week? Their relationship is all too still enmeshed for himto be your serious parter - in his mind this is a throuple!

Noseybookworm · 18/02/2024 09:18

You have made a big mistake getting involved with someone just coming out of a long relationship. He is still very involved with her and will probably continue to be for some time. The counselling and the fact that he's not filed for divorce would be a deal breaker for me 🤷‍♀️

2Rebecca · 18/02/2024 09:23

The abortion thing sounds weird. Many women have abortions. Them both being upset about it years later is odd though. Did the termination go wrong and she was unable to have children afterwards? Was it a late TOP for foetal abnormalities where she had an induced labour? Even then wanting your ex to go to counselling with you years later is odd.
If he really wants to move on he stops contacting her for a while. I'd step back from the relationship until he's ready to stop chatting to her. Once a month is fine several times a week isn't

PutMyFootIn · 18/02/2024 09:24

You sound like the other woman.

In any case, an unemployed 30 something with no home of his own isn't much of a catch.

2Rebecca · 18/02/2024 09:26

I'd also be wary of financially supporting a man " between jobs".

daisychain01 · 18/02/2024 09:27

orsina · 18/02/2024 01:08

They have this dog together who is old and frail and I think the contact is a lot about that. But he did also send her a card when she was sick lately, albeit he told me about it. He describes their bond as being strong (not necessarily in a good way) because they both went through the abortion years ago and had a very up and down relationship, she cheated and they weren’t good together, they didn’t have intimacy and were unhappy a long time. I feel like I am expected to just accept her. He even talks about me/us with her. I don’t see what they will discuss in these therapy sessions.

OP please see this situation for what it is, and don't be so naive.

he told me that she has asked him to go to couples therapy with her, supposedly not for reconciliation but to help her move on from some things in their marriage

between this and the lame excuse about the elderly dog, give me strength why are you putting your life on hold while your partner navigates through all his baggage. It could drag on for months or even years.

tell him to go off and get his life sorted out, he clearly isn't dating material when all this is happening in the background

Malarandras · 18/02/2024 09:35

He’s not your partner he is someone else’s husband who happens do be in a relationship with you. On top of that he is unemployed. What does this relationship bring to you exactly? Think of it this way, if he was to die tomorrow you’d be nothing: his wife would be making all the arrangements and benefitting from the will and you be nowhere. Sorry if that’s harsh but it’s the reality. Look after yourself and get out of this situation.

MustBeNapTime · 18/02/2024 09:58

They are still married and co-dependant.
He is unemployed and reliant on his wife's health insurance.

You need to extricate yourself from a relationship with this man until the above changes.

stealthninjamum · 18/02/2024 09:59

Are you sure he’s telling the truth about the insurance benefits that are part of his wife’s job?When my ex moved out I wasn’t entitled to our dental insurance, which I’d been using or health insurance, even though I was still married to him and I was claiming for our dc.

Spirallingdownwards · 18/02/2024 10:07

Pack his bags and send him back to his wife, mum and dog. She is playing the pick me game and he is loving it. He is trying to make you play the pick me game too by saying she is available for calls, they have shared trauma etc. Don't play this game.

You don't need this crap in your life.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 18/02/2024 10:12

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2024 00:54

With kids? Absolutely. Without? Hell no.

However, He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now. Be careful with this one.

I agree.

Pumpkinpie1 · 18/02/2024 10:14

However you spin it OP you are having an affair with a married man. He’s still in close contact with his wife, not an ex his wife.
He could be telling you anything.
So many 🚩

Indifferentchickenwings · 18/02/2024 10:24

He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now

this is an issue

she knows this and is (in my opinion ) using this as a lever to glue him back to her
after 20 years and the fact he’s a nice guy ?

how is he paying rent ? Is he job hunting?

mumda · 18/02/2024 10:33

Too complicated and messy. Throw him back

Tell him he needs to resolve his previous relationship and send him away.
If he comes back and you've not moved on then you can have another go.

HeddaGarbled · 18/02/2024 10:35

She’s obv not moved on

Understandable, IMO.

20 year marriage ended less than a year ago. That’s going to take some getting over. Whether joint counselling is the way to do it, I don’t know, but she’ll certainly need more time.

buzzlightyearsaway · 18/02/2024 10:39

Is it therapy or mediation to help navigate the divorce?

Staying married to her for tax and insurance gains is ghastly!

HiItsMeImTheProblemItsMe · 18/02/2024 10:42

It sounds as though he is trying to move on with someone...anyone....but still can't let go of this ex. Sorry OP. I'd get rid.