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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aibu- His ex wants him to go to couples therapy

313 replies

orsina · 18/02/2024 00:51

I’ve been dating someone for 9 months. He left his partner shortly before we met. They were married, together 20 years but have no kids. Things have moved fairly quickly as we are late 30s and serious about each other and the same things, and he moved 300 miles down to where I live a couple of months ago so we could be together properly (albeit he has his own place and I have mine.) He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now, and the tax benefits are much better for married. I’m trying to be understanding as I know separations are tough, and I didn’t even mind they are amicable, she still talks to his mum who is going through cancer treatment etc as she’s known her forever, and he went back up to help her when their joint dog was sick which I thought was fair as he loves that dog. She sent him down a Xmas present. But she does know about me - I have iron proof of that. And I know he loves me, we have said it etc.

however. Today he told me that she has asked him to go to couples therapy with her, supposedly not for reconciliation but to help her move on from some things in their marriage. He is very caring about everyone and has considered it as he thinks it’ll help her move on. For me though, I was pretty shocked. This is not something I’ve heard of for couples who don’t have dc they are trying to have an amicable divorce for, or for couples who aren’t looking to reconcile. He doesn’t think it’s odd she asked, or disrespectful to us that he is considering it. They are both in individual therapy anyway. Part of me think if she was dating herself no way would she ask this of him.

Aibu about this? Would you have therapy with an ex you didn’t want to get back with who you didn’t have dc with or any other ties to, especially if you are in a new established relationship? I’m embarrassed to say I got a little upset today when he told me. No moves made to file for divorce although in his state no fault divorce only takes 2 months. Them having therapy when they’re not even officially divorcing makes me feel insecure.

OP posts:
Daffodilsandsunshine · 21/02/2024 13:48

So reading your update OP he wants to be the #1 priority in your life (over your DC and any future DC you might have) but doesn't prioritise his relationship with you over his nearly exwife? 🤔
Maybe that's why he never had further DC in his previous relationship as he wants always to be #1 and in control?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Nanny0gg · 21/02/2024 13:53

orsina · 20/02/2024 22:45

I did kind of shout. Which I really hate and haven’t done in I don’t know how long. I said the f word and I cried and nearly walked out. I felt so panicky and angry. Because we had had a tough week as he had caused some drama and kept revisiting it, and then when I came over for what I thought was a cup of tea and a nice chat, he started showing me articles on how good partners prioritise their partners above all else and when I (mildly) said I think when kids are in the mix that means priorities can shift but then he said, clearly pissed off, that if we got married and I told him my DD was his number 1 priority (or even our own kids!) “it would be a problem”. and seemingly out of nowhere then he was like “I think Im going to have couples therapy with X”. I was shocked. I guess I could have tried to react calmer but after everything he’s said about her for months, it was just so hurtful and confusing. I know he is convincing himself that I’m some crazy person or angry person now to make sure he is in control of what happens next. I am reading this thread and some articles about narcissism to try and cope. But I am a naturally guilty feeling person and a people pleaser and I am beating myself up for getting so angry. I feel like I have no ‘moral high ground’ and I feel this sense of abandonment. He hasn’t even texted me back today, I sent one this morning. So much for ‘reliability’. I now feel like I have no idea what was ever really going on with his ex. His behaviour is so extreme good or bad, and I feel like I’ve been in a triangle way longer than unrealised.

For the Love of God!

Dump him and block!

Why are you letting him call the shots?

Pintally · 21/02/2024 13:57

Just to throw in there (though someone may have beat me to it) no fault divorce does NOT take two months. It won’t be less than 6 months due to all the mandatory waiting times and the paperwork queues. (DP went through this process, amicable, no court order needed etc).

Original poster
orsina · 21/02/2024 14:17

@Pintally we don’t live in the U.K. and in his state a no fault divorce can be filed then completed within 2 months if all parties agree on everything and no children (which was also the line he was spinning me.) I’m not saying it would be that quick as they own a boat, 2 houses, some joint investments together, but supposedly theyve agreed on how to divide these they just haven’t done it yet. But the point is he doesn’t live in a place where divorce is long or hard. Conversely if they lived in my state a divorce would take 1 year minimum. I guess the lack of getting moving on dividing the stuff is another massive red flag. I’m so gullible.

Thanks everyone. I cannot say how much this thread has helped me. It’s a shock but i really needed it.

OP posts:
Pintally · 21/02/2024 14:26

Ah I see!

In all honesty, having caught up on your posts, it sounds like the divorce is the least of your worries.

I know it’s not as easy as all that, but it would be so satisfying if you just laughed him off, told him you’re not interested in a manipulative game player and sent him on his way!

Dhekaksnsjellfv · 21/02/2024 14:37

You’re dating an unemployed man who is VERY recently separated from his wife and life partner of 20 years. Neither of them have made any attempt to move on from each other, they haven’t filed for divorce even though they can, they talk several times a week and rely on each other for emotional support still. Now they want to go to couples therapy together. They’re clearly not over it or even sure that the marriage is done.
why would you invite this level of drama and baggage into your life.

Original poster
orsina · 21/02/2024 14:49

I think I was just really wanted to believe everything he told me. It makes me feel so stupid now. I never wanted to steal someone’s husband. It all feels so messy and murky.

OP posts:
Dhekaksnsjellfv · 21/02/2024 15:05

You didn’t steal anyone. They were not officially together and you’re confident you’re not the OW. I’d also wager though I appreciate its harsh, that you haven’t even ‘got’ him. He’s still in a relationship with her, they’re just taking a break from physically being together.
you do need to think about why you were more willing to believe what he said, than the actions and reality you can see with your own eyes, so you don’t end up in this situation again. Hindsight is 20/20 don’t feel stupid, but do learn from this. There are a lot of red flags you’ve ignored. That’s not your fault, he is the one acting unfairly, but you have to pay attention to these things to protect yourself too.

AelinAshriver · 21/02/2024 16:03

Ok OP. We've made some progress.

What are your plans going forward?

Noseybookworm · 21/02/2024 16:24

orsina · 21/02/2024 14:17

@Pintally we don’t live in the U.K. and in his state a no fault divorce can be filed then completed within 2 months if all parties agree on everything and no children (which was also the line he was spinning me.) I’m not saying it would be that quick as they own a boat, 2 houses, some joint investments together, but supposedly theyve agreed on how to divide these they just haven’t done it yet. But the point is he doesn’t live in a place where divorce is long or hard. Conversely if they lived in my state a divorce would take 1 year minimum. I guess the lack of getting moving on dividing the stuff is another massive red flag. I’m so gullible.

Thanks everyone. I cannot say how much this thread has helped me. It’s a shock but i really needed it.

I really hope you will move forward with your life without this man in it. You deserve much better 💐

RandomForest · 21/02/2024 17:55

Has he been in touch op ?

He's not a good man, no matter how he presented himself at the start, you are beggining to see the real him.

PerfectTravelTote · 21/02/2024 18:01

He is not single. He is living with you but he is still in a relationship with her. They are still too entangled. You are going to be the loser in all of this.

huggyhoo · 21/02/2024 21:06

What are you going to do now? Have you decided?

TheLurpackYears · 21/02/2024 22:05

Goodness me, he's desperate to keep women happy isn't he?!
Either you can cope with his behaviour or you need to ditch him, he will continue not to upset the women in his life by whatever men necessary (from experience that will include hving sex with some of them).

EcstaticMarmalade · 21/02/2024 22:25

He’s just seeing how many women he can get to do the “pick me” dance for him at once, like puppets on a string.

BirthdayRainbow · 21/02/2024 23:33

Don't feel stupid. But do end this relationship. It isn't what you thought it was.

Nantescalling · 21/02/2024 23:49

Noseybookworm · 20/02/2024 22:29

He has cooled towards you because the penny has dropped for him that you are not buying his bullsh*t any more and his usual manipulation and emotional blackmail aren't working. Hold firm OP and throw yourself into other activities. Get out and see friends, get some exercise and fresh air, do things you enjoy. Realise that getting your freedom back means you can please yourself and not this demanding and controlling man!

Show quote history

This !!!!!

Nantescalling · 22/02/2024 00:02

You really shouldn't be beating yourself up for being hoodwinked, it can happen to the best of us. When someone is prepared to up stumps 300 miles to be with you, you are quite right in seeing this as a sign of love. A lot of his story, the lack of job, the medical insurance, the dog and such are all things to make you feel sorry for him and you do or did! Is he living in your home? If so, you can just show him the door. Once he's gone, you can write a best seller about being hooked by a narcissist!

Original poster
orsina · 22/02/2024 00:06

So @Nantescalling if its not a sign of love what was it?

OP posts:
Holdingsteady · 22/02/2024 01:06

orsina · 22/02/2024 00:06

So @Nantescalling if its not a sign of love what was it?

What do you want us to say OP?

That your boyfriend is fantastic, that he’s good to you, that he is completely over his ex, that he respects you and would never wish to upset you or put you dead last in his “people’s list” that he will love your daughter and any future children as much as you do?

Well ok then, all the above, except you know it’s all bollocks

He only loves himself

Wake up

ASimpleLampoon · 22/02/2024 03:56

You're the OW.

lecreseut · 22/02/2024 06:48

There is no "wife seeking joint couples counselling."

He is a narcissist and a liar.

He told you that the wife is seeking joint counselling in order to make you panic, to want him more, in case he and his wife get back together again. He told you to do that to make you insecure. And it is working.

You don't know what the truth is. Because you cannot verify anything.
He needs you and him to move in together so that he can trap you into being with him, and financially support him.

He is using you. Process it, then dump him, and be happy again.

lecreseut · 22/02/2024 06:51

It's not love.

He doesn't need you. But he needs a place to live, and free sex. Sorry for being so crude.

You deserve better.

2Rebecca · 22/02/2024 10:09

I presume he moved to be near you in the hope that he could soon move in with you. Some people struggle with living on their own. If he was unemployed and his wife had kicked him out then why not move near you?

Nantescalling · 22/02/2024 12:59

orsina · 22/02/2024 00:06

So @Nantescalling if its not a sign of love what was it?

I said "you are quite right in seeing this as a sign of love."