Aibu- His ex wants him to go to couples therapy

[orsina]

I’ve been dating someone for 9 months. He left his partner shortly before we met. They were married, together 20 years but have no kids. Things have moved fairly quickly as we are late 30s and serious about each other and the same things, and he moved 300 miles down to where I live a couple of months ago so we could be together properly (albeit he has his own place and I have mine.) He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now, and the tax benefits are much better for married. I’m trying to be understanding as I know separations are tough, and I didn’t even mind they are amicable, she still talks to his mum who is going through cancer treatment etc as she’s known her forever, and he went back up to help her when their joint dog was sick which I thought was fair as he loves that dog. She sent him down a Xmas present. But she does know about me - I have iron proof of that. And I know he loves me, we have said it etc.

however. Today he told me that she has asked him to go to couples therapy with her, supposedly not for reconciliation but to help her move on from some things in their marriage. He is very caring about everyone and has considered it as he thinks it’ll help her move on. For me though, I was pretty shocked. This is not something I’ve heard of for couples who don’t have dc they are trying to have an amicable divorce for, or for couples who aren’t looking to reconcile. He doesn’t think it’s odd she asked, or disrespectful to us that he is considering it. They are both in individual therapy anyway. Part of me think if she was dating herself no way would she ask this of him.

Aibu about this? Would you have therapy with an ex you didn’t want to get back with who you didn’t have dc with or any other ties to, especially if you are in a new established relationship? I’m embarrassed to say I got a little upset today when he told me. No moves made to file for divorce although in his state no fault divorce only takes 2 months. Them having therapy when they’re not even officially divorcing makes me feel insecure.

He’s not untangled from his marriage though has he? There’s a massive difference between a relationship being completely over but still being married in name only, to being married and emotionally invested in the wife still, where going to therapy together is being mentioned, and where he is still wanting to be “that guy” for her. You must know this deep down, you just need to open your eyes. I think it’s even more telling that he’s moved miles away from her but is STILL clinging to her? It’s not even like they have kids to tie them together. If you want to be his crutch and date him whilst he’s trying to get over his marriage then so be it but there’s also a good chance he could discard you once he’s fully over his ex. It happens a lot where people jump into rebound relationships, use them as a crutch, and then once they have healed they move onto someone new where they can have a fresh healthy relationship.

This is just so hard to take in. He always expressed that his relationship had been over for ages emotionally and that he was ready to move on. But even physically moving away from her has not severed the bond in some ways and he has not started the process of divorce. I feel I have minimised this a lot over the weeks/months. For instance when his granny went into a home, her cat went to live with his ex because she offered. And at Christmas she sent him a little tree and some decorations in case he was ‘lonely’ as I was with my daughter on Christmas and they haven’t yet been introduced. And he went up there for a week to help her after surgery and then he sent her a card a couple weeks later when he was back. They talk on the phone a few times a week about the dog and about his mums health. She I guess talks about her therapy. He said he had considered going to therapy with her to talk about things that happened in their relationship and because she is a ‘very private person’ and asked him to be there while she tries to work through that stuff in therapy (although I have never heard of someone having an emotional support person in therapy. And it sounds like this would be with a ‘couples therapist’). He admits he doesn’t know why he is finding it hard to let go of what he calls their ‘friendship’. He says to me it’s the same as any other friend he has who he wants to help/talk to. But IMO someone you are still married to, who asks you to still be their emotional support, isn’t the same as a normal friendship. And I struggle as to why he has not at least even filed the papers. He says it’s because he has been so focused on our relationship. It seems like an excuse. I feel like he is in some way ‘keeping her warm’. I feel so so shit about this. I’ve invested a lot of time and energy in him and us and I feel like maybe I’ve been stupid.

Hahaaa haa that is a new one- ‘I’m too focussed on you and how much I love you to… file for divorce with my ex’. Jesus Christ. Some men will say absolutely any bullshit at all, won’t they?

Oh op do yourself a favour, and tell him he’s married and he can do whatever the fuck he wants with his wife, and you’ve been giving him the wrong impression by staying in a relationship with him, and listening to such utter bullshit reasons for why he’s not divorced as ‘but you’re too precious to me’ and you want him to go away and only ever come back if he has official divorce papers. (You will never see him again is my bet)

They are definitely not emotionally separated, and that's the kind that counts. The physical distance is irrelevant. I'm sorry op, but it's high time you took the blinders off. You have completely and utterly ignored legions of red flags in the belief you had something special with this man, but you really don't. The jig is up.

If her counsellor is good, they would not allow it.

Just no. He's wrong to start a relationship with you op.

My exh and I separated in October. He found someone else straight away.

I filed for divorce. However he has ignored all that and it's going to be a very long process however right now - he's my husband and I'm his wife. Except I don't view him like that. He's my son's father and that's all. I don't rely on him for anything at all.

I leave him alone and don't speak to him unless absolutely necessary - and we have dc.

This imo is the correct way to do it.

However I am on my own and healing on my own. I'm doing ok too - lots of abuse involved.

He has moved straight on and is not happy still as far as I'm aware.

I'm not saying you guys aren't happy together and everyone is different in terms of how fast they move on but this is just full of red flags to me.

Leave them to it and get out. They are still way too close for comfort.

OP just stop. They have been together for 20 years. They pretty much grew together. You can't change that. They were best friends for 2 decades. In some ways no one will ever replace what they had. You can't expect him to just not care anymore. If he did that would not be saying anything good about him as a person.

You need to step back and stop making this all about you. I put money on you not being the one he ends up with. They may not get back together but it won't be you he settles down with. You are a distraction. A rebound relationship. Truth is he not ready for a relationship yet. Won't be for a long time. As you say he's not even fully out of his marriage yet. Technically or emotionally.

@tutttutt am I not allowed to feel hurt and frustrated that this separated man pursued me HARD on the basis that he was over that relationship, made moves to apparently commit, but is possibly just using me as a ‘distraction’ ? Why are you so invested in his marriage being so important? I took what he said repeatedly at face value.

And also, she cheated on him, dumped him a couple times during their relationship, lied to him, was unsupportive etc (on his account which is all I have.) By the end they were arguing badly and frequently. Doesn’t seem like ‘best friends’ to me. Maybe codependent or trauma bonded but not healthy. They are having therapy individually partly about their relationship trauma. Like he has sexual issues and trust issues from that marriage. Just because of longevity doesn’t mean it’s good. I’m sure many MNers would attest to that. And another reason why it’s very confusing to me why he is wasting my time.

Of course you are allowed to feel hurt. But there is enough going on to make you see that it's time to cut your losses.

It's understandable that you feel hurt and upset but it's up to you whether you allow him to waste any more of your time and dignity. And whether or not you model acceptance of shitty behaviour from a partner for your teenage daughter.

I just feel so frustrated right now. So upset. As someone who has been in wrong relationships I could believe that he was ready to move on. People do at different speeds. He pursued me on that basis and pushed for seriousness. He even questioned why he didn’t meet my daughter sooner. Meanwhile he hasn’t filed and he is still someone else emotional support. Why get in a rebound? Why not just stay, or split up and get sorted? I feel used.

Why are you wasting your time, OP?

Op - if he's having therapy to get over his marriage he isn't ready for a new relationship.

I will never date a man who has just left a marriage/long term relationship. I will never again be used to be there for a man because he can't be alone just because I'm a woman.

in his state

So in USA I guess.

No point posting on an English website. Except for emotional support.

He always talks about how he’s never felt this way about anyone as he does about me

I presume he's an adult man? And you are young and gullible?

Run like the wind!!

Your future self will thank you.

Long terms relationships can be incredibly difficult to cut off from.
I don’t think it helps you to fall into black and white thinking ie. He still loves her. He is wasting my time. I’m an idiot for ever thinking it could work.

he may want to speak to her a few times a week, he may have wanted to call her first about his mother AND feel in love with you and want a life with you.

There is a process here of them separating out their lives. Of course, some people - on the surface- just cut off but most of them time stuff is still happening internally.
I don’t see an advantage to trying to control this process. I’d be more interested in understanding where he thinks he wants to get to.

how does he see her involvement in your lives later on?

does he think he will always end up being the one to care for her if she is sick?

there is no point in basing everything on ‘she’ll meet someone’. She might never.

you are well within your rights to feel deeply upset at the idea of them two going to counselling. I would be. But if you fight over it and he ends up not going (but wanted to) that doesn’t make the problem any less real.

i would try and get a sense of whether the future he sees is one that you want. And then decide whether you want to stay around in the mean time whilst this stuff happens. Maybe he has to give her that closure so he can come bavk
to you.

I am sorry you are going through this. It’s very destabilising.

I will never date a man who has just left a marriage/long term relationship. I will never again be used to be there for a man because he can't be alone just because I'm a woman.

Exactly!

People often don't know themselves very well. He felt he was free (eg morally free) to pursue a new relationship and new dreams, but he didn't realise how long it would actually take to extricate himself fully. After all, he hasn't been through a divorce after a long term relationship before.

It would take AT LEAST a year after such a long term relationship to be truly ready. Longer if the relationship was complicated. So many people jump into dating when separated but the first person they date afterwards, rarely lasts.

I'd tell him that you want him to resolve everything with his wife and to go away and deal with that, and when he is actually divorced and has worked through everything, he can contact you then. Of course, you may not still be single or interested in him by that point but he can't keep you on hold while he sorts it out, and he does need to sort it out to be able to actually move on.

Sorry you are going through this.

He even questioned why he didn’t meet my daughter sooner.

Be very very aware why a basically random man is pushing you to want to meet your children.

I don't have to spell it out to you.

Jesus, is this 2024 already?!

@MariaLuna I think he sees it as a sign of my commitment to him/our relationship. He implied the reason I hadn’t was because maybe I felt there was something wrong with him. And he said he felt like an outsider as I compartmentalised that part of my life. He doesn’t have kids, so he just doesn’t get it. He says he has never been so insecure as he feels with me. But with this enmeshment with his wife I find that odd. Like either he’s keeping her as backup, or he is a hypocrite. Why would I intro my daughter to a man going to counselling with his wife who wasn’t on way to divorce? I am haunted by this idea of being a rebound.

Dump him, sis. It shouldn't be this hard this far in and someone questioning your boundaries over protecting your flag is not someone you should be pining over.

He also said to me today that he said “I think I’m going to couples counselling with X” intentionally to upset me as id hurt him with something I said before. That doesn’t feel good. He is acting unsure he wants to be with me as he says I acted unacceptably as I raised my voice and swore. I jsut felt in panic/shock mode and so angry/hurt when he said that. Now it’s like I’ve ruined everything. When he’s the one who said something hurtful. I feel like it’s all been twisted to me being the ‘bad one’. Even though he has stormed off on me in the past while out, broken up with me then changed his mind almost immediately, withdrawn sex in the past…. He says that ‘yelling’ is a dealbreaker for him and that he doesn’t know if he sees me the same way or if we are good together. I feel totally yanked around emotionally. Sorry for the vent. I find his situation embarrassing and don’t want to talk to family or friends about it.

Ugh. This sounds hideous.

Honestly Op, you need to tell him that you need some space whilst he works out finishing his last relationship.

He just isn't ready. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you but he just isn't ready to be in a new relationship. He hasn't become independent from her at all.

You need to walk away and let him sort this out. You guys will either reconcile or you won't but if you don't make a break now, this will be the way your relationship carries on and you'll drag this out.

You're going to get hurt OP. They're nowhere near ready to split up properly yet.