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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aibu- His ex wants him to go to couples therapy

313 replies

orsina · 18/02/2024 00:51

I’ve been dating someone for 9 months. He left his partner shortly before we met. They were married, together 20 years but have no kids. Things have moved fairly quickly as we are late 30s and serious about each other and the same things, and he moved 300 miles down to where I live a couple of months ago so we could be together properly (albeit he has his own place and I have mine.) He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now, and the tax benefits are much better for married. I’m trying to be understanding as I know separations are tough, and I didn’t even mind they are amicable, she still talks to his mum who is going through cancer treatment etc as she’s known her forever, and he went back up to help her when their joint dog was sick which I thought was fair as he loves that dog. She sent him down a Xmas present. But she does know about me - I have iron proof of that. And I know he loves me, we have said it etc.

however. Today he told me that she has asked him to go to couples therapy with her, supposedly not for reconciliation but to help her move on from some things in their marriage. He is very caring about everyone and has considered it as he thinks it’ll help her move on. For me though, I was pretty shocked. This is not something I’ve heard of for couples who don’t have dc they are trying to have an amicable divorce for, or for couples who aren’t looking to reconcile. He doesn’t think it’s odd she asked, or disrespectful to us that he is considering it. They are both in individual therapy anyway. Part of me think if she was dating herself no way would she ask this of him.

Aibu about this? Would you have therapy with an ex you didn’t want to get back with who you didn’t have dc with or any other ties to, especially if you are in a new established relationship? I’m embarrassed to say I got a little upset today when he told me. No moves made to file for divorce although in his state no fault divorce only takes 2 months. Them having therapy when they’re not even officially divorcing makes me feel insecure.

OP posts:
StealthMama · 18/02/2024 22:48

Sorry hit post by mistake...

You didn't make a bad choice you just met someone and gave it a go for a while.

What you describe is a very complex, intense, insecure and unstable relationship. That's why you have this half good/ half bad.

The problem is that it's not healthy nor sustainable and I genuinely believe this man is controlling and abusive. There are red flags over everything you have shared here.

Remember that they know to be loving and kind alongside the abuse, because that's what makes you stay.

It's hard because you wanted it to work. And he made promises too. But the longer your with him the less time you are giving yourself to meet someone else you really can be happy with.

It's hard to tell whether he's maliciously abusive or doesn't know it himself. But I don't think you and your dd really need to find out?

Original poster
orsina · 18/02/2024 22:52

@StealthMama what are the controlling red flags do you think?

OP posts:
Mostlyoblivious · 18/02/2024 23:01

Just checked there thread updates from you OP and they’re getting more concerning. From what you are describing, he is manipulating and controlling you. This is not a good situation. You can cope without him in your life although you might not feel that now, you really can. I think you need to confide your concerns to a trusted friend or family member and ask for support in leaving this relationship

Noseybookworm · 18/02/2024 23:01

orsina · 18/02/2024 22:20

He is implying I am the abusive one. I feel gutted. I wish I could have reacted more rationally. But it still hurts and I hate the idea he wanted to upset me. I never want to upset him, or anyone, even in an argument. I do feel like he constantly compares our relationship to their past one. And he keeps showing me things like tony robins “polarisation” where men need to have ‘masculine energy’ and women need to have ‘feminine energy’ or attraction is lost, and his wife didn’t have enough feminine energy and by not ‘needing him’ I am not making him feel masculine. And about how he wants a “3 dimensional relationship” (also a Tony robins thing) which is where your partners happiness is your number 1 prriority, but he only had a “2 dimensional relationship” with his wife as she didn’t prioritise him, and when I said i prioritise my daughter especially since she has no dad, but I still feel I can have a very loving relationship, he said that could be an issue for him. Ugh it’s all coming out and I feel so dumb. I feel like my head is all over the place. When I spend time with him I often feel so drained afterwards. It’s so emotionally intense and he always wants to talk about relationships. I feel if he had a job or other distractionndown here he might not be like that. But he hasn’t gotten one since he moved down and he is living off his (apparently substantial) investments/savings. And now he’s saying if we arent going to move in together or have “a plan” he may need to leave to work elsewhere to keep his mind occupied as he’s focusing on us and can’t be productive. It’s so much for a man who is early 40s. I have never met anyone so intense and invested in their emotions and relationship. When we say goodbye it’s like I’m disconnected from the real world, his world doesn’t have school pickups or work colleagues or social life, so often it’s hours long discussions about our relationship or past relationships. He stonewalled me on Xmas day because he felt like “an outsider” (why he didn’t go see family for Xmas I don’t know, I suggested it.) The brief times we have gone a couple days without speaking I feel a weight has lifted. But then when he has me on a string like this I feel like I can’t think of anything else. It’s so odd. Sorry for the vent again.

He sounds exhausting and completely self obsessed 😩 you need to get out of this relationship and get your life back! He sounds awful 😖

Fmlgirl · 18/02/2024 23:07

OP you are the same age as me and I’m surprised why you are ruminating over the (bs) stuff this guy says and does. Forget about him and please raise your standards. You have a daughter to think about.
What do you find attractive about this guy? He has zero to offer and is still enmeshed with his wife (they still sound together to me).

Holdingsteady · 18/02/2024 23:08

Tell him to go away and not contact you until he is divorced. Then you will think about if you even want to get back with him. Hopefully, you will have seen the light and moved on by then.

failing that

Do not introduce him to your daughter

Do not let him move in

Do not give him any money (he needs to get a job and I’m wondering how he afforded to move 300 miles into a new home without having an income, I sincerely hope you didn’t pay for him to do this)

Do not get pregnant

Best outcome here, you dump him today and call it quits

StealthMama · 18/02/2024 23:10

He's making you want him, whilst being unavailable at the same time.

He's unavailable because he and his wife have such a special 'strong bond' that can't just be broken - he's making you compete.

He feels you putting your daughter's needs before his would be a problem.

He says he wants more commitment from you but isn't offering any back, and suggests just enough that he can't give it 'why aren't you divorcing... don't know' because he needs to keep you on that string.

He's telling you how to behave - you feminine me masculine

When he deliberately made you angry, he then said it was your fault because of something you said.

Everything you have written about him, is about him declaring his wants and needs, and how he is grooming you to centre him first. It's classic narcissist.

TheSlantedOwl · 18/02/2024 23:11

@orsina He sounds deranged (the sexist Tony Robbins bullshit, the deliberate attempt to hurt you by telling you about their couples therapy plans) and quite dangerous (having a problem with you prioritising your daughter?!?).

You have been manipulated and things have been very twisted. My only advice is to end this relationship as quickly as you can with as little drama. You don’t have to go deep into conversation. Just say it’s not working and you wish him the best with his wife.

Honestly I wouldn’t delay a moment longer. It will hurt but the intensity of that will be short lived.

TwylaSands · 18/02/2024 23:12

orsina · 18/02/2024 22:36

I think it’s just about accepting that I may have made a bad choice with him. Accepting that maybe what we had wasn’t real. It just feels so hard. Harder than ending my previous 7 year relationship. Why!?

Because you have been love bombed.

it isnt real.

Suchagroovyguy · 19/02/2024 00:11

Hmm. There more than a few 🚩 in there.

TheSilentSister · 19/02/2024 00:28

A 20yr marriage is a strong bond (whether good/bad) to break in just a few months. It usually takes a while (years) to mentally move on. Perhaps him moving on so quickly has made her question herself, hence suggestion of therapy.

On the one hand, he obviously see's this as a permanent separation, which is a good thing. However, if he goes to 'couples counselling' I'd tell him it's best you part ways until he's completely free. Don't give it as un ultimatum but simply that you want the best outcome but unfortunately you don't want to be around while he's going through therapy. She's obviously clinging onto the relationship, getting whatever scraps she can from him. None of this is healthy. Distance yourself.

JFDIYOLO · 19/02/2024 00:38

"He has displayed insecurity and controlling behaviour

If I said this to him about my ex he would be really upset, he doesn’t even like me mentioning him

He is even jealous of the ex I had from years ago, who I have no contact with, who is the bio father of my teenage daughter

He doesn’t even like me saying if I fancied a celebrity in the past

He sent me an email last night saying he is ‘shocked’ at how I responded and how he ‘feels like he’s dead now’"

Seriously, OP?

Jealous, controlling, DARVO, emotionally manipulative ...

Run.

RUN.

Or we'll be reading posts from you next year pleading for help with dealing with him and what your relationship's turned into.

🇧🇭 🇧🇭🇧🇭🇧🇭🇧🇭🇧🇭🇧🇭🇧🇭🇧🇭🇧🇭🇧🇭

SandyY2K · 19/02/2024 00:42

how he wants a “3 dimensional relationship” (also a Tony robins thing) which is where your partners happiness is your number 1 prriority, but he only had a “2 dimensional relationship” with his wife as she didn’t prioritise him, and when I said i prioritise my daughter especially since she has no dad, but I still feel I can have a very loving relationship, he said that could be an issue for him.

Based on this alone, he talks a lot of nonsense. He's jealous and needy.

Never mind ask the other stuff...I think you should dump him. Why would you introduce your DD to him, when you don't know what is going on with his marriage/ divorce.

My guess is that he'd still be with his wife, if she hadn't cheated on him.

Original poster
orsina · 19/02/2024 00:42

What is darvo, sorry? @JFDIYOLO

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 19/02/2024 00:45

Sorry OP, it stands for Deny, Attack, Reversing Victim and Offender.
When the one doing the mindfuckery turns round accusing the victim of being the one doing it.

SandyY2K · 19/02/2024 00:46

DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims.

Saltandpeppero · 19/02/2024 01:16

Datingahhhhhhhh · 18/02/2024 08:33

@orsina He has rebounded too quickly from a very long marriage and you have got involved with him knowing this. Unfortunately here comes the repercussions of doing so. He hasn’t emotionally untangled himself from his ex and the fact he’s considering doing therapy with her and telling you about it shows he’s still trying to heal from his broken marriage but using you as a crutch in the meantime. He is currently getting something from you and something from his ex, so he’s not going to want to change anything right now… it’s down to you to see the light here and let him go. Find yourself someone who is 100% available… not someone who is still married and emotionally tangled up still with his wife. I think most people would have avoided getting involved with someone so fresh out of a 20 year marriage, why didn’t you?

This.

Absolutely bizarre women who come on here saying they’re with married men and are impatiently waiting for the divorce to go through. Why on earth get with a married man to begin with ?

Newnamehiwhodis · 19/02/2024 03:54

Oh my God, please get out of this as soon as you can. I’ve read all your posts - he is using all the techniques to try to get power over you and have you feel dependent and helpless. PLEASE get rid of him.
please do it for your teenager. Please do it for yourself.
i can’t stress strongly enough how bad this guy is.

there’s a reason he’s still in a toxic trauma bond with his ex - next, he’ll have you in therapy too, if you stay with him.

he’s a dramatic shitshow of epic proportions who love-bombed you, and it’s only going to get worse as he goes through the cycle of love bomb, triangulate, devalue, discard, Hoover. Over and over again until you can’t get yourself free, and can’t even see what’s real anymore.

from someone who has had years of therapy to try to heal from this kind of thing: please do anything you can to cut him off completely.

MiltonNorthern · 19/02/2024 04:09

Jesus god almighty he is an absolute head fuck and the more you post the more awful he sounds. He's clearly not over his wife yet also love bombing and pressuring you to break down your very sensible boundaries. He sounds controlling, manipulative and petty. He's bad news all round. Thank god he hasn't met your daughter! Please open your eyes and let this one go.

Beaverbridge · 19/02/2024 04:57

Even if you take wife, sick dog, his Mother out the equation he's a total wrong un. Read back all your posts and it ll be clear to you. For the sake of your mental health you need to tell him your finished with him. Concentrate on you and your daughter.

Nicole1111 · 19/02/2024 05:02

I really think you’d benefit from doing the freedom programme. Or reading why does he do that. It sounds to me like he is much more subtly abusive than your previous partner and that’s allowed him entry to your life before he’s utilised that entry to manipulate you and try to mould you in to behaving how he wants with abusive tactics. It’s sadly the case that women who have been in abusive relationships before are more vulnerable to being in them in the future so it’s important you learn how to protect yourself.

asdunno · 19/02/2024 05:14

He's still enmeshed in his previous relationship. There's no kids there doesn't need to be contact. Sounds more hassle than it is worth

jeaux90 · 19/02/2024 06:49

OP I'm a lone parent with a good career. There is no way I would give up any of my independence or put my DD in the way of someone this effed up in the head.

The shit person he is being now is who he really is. The other side of him is what he pretends to be to reel you in.

Dump him, too many red flags.

SharkieAndGeorge · 19/02/2024 07:55

StealthMama · 18/02/2024 23:10

He's making you want him, whilst being unavailable at the same time.

He's unavailable because he and his wife have such a special 'strong bond' that can't just be broken - he's making you compete.

He feels you putting your daughter's needs before his would be a problem.

He says he wants more commitment from you but isn't offering any back, and suggests just enough that he can't give it 'why aren't you divorcing... don't know' because he needs to keep you on that string.

He's telling you how to behave - you feminine me masculine

When he deliberately made you angry, he then said it was your fault because of something you said.

Everything you have written about him, is about him declaring his wants and needs, and how he is grooming you to centre him first. It's classic narcissist.

Yes ALL of this. Plus you mentioned he -

Stormed off on a night out (leaving you alone?)

Stonewalls you on a seemingly regular basis

This is not a nice guy OP. The times when he lovebombs you feel so good partly as they're a relief for the bad. You are probably trauma bonded.

Thank God you didn't introduce your daughter, well done.

I honestly think the ex wife is to an extent a red herring. You're focused on "if only she would leave him alone, we'd be great". You're focused entirely on her/their marriage being the source of your issues. But in reality, his poor behaviour is not actually connected to any of that. Take a step back and think about it. If she wasn't in his life, would all your troubles really be over, do you think?

Get away, as soon as you can, is my advice.