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Original poster

Aibu- His ex wants him to go to couples therapy

313 replies

orsina · 18/02/2024 00:51

I’ve been dating someone for 9 months. He left his partner shortly before we met. They were married, together 20 years but have no kids. Things have moved fairly quickly as we are late 30s and serious about each other and the same things, and he moved 300 miles down to where I live a couple of months ago so we could be together properly (albeit he has his own place and I have mine.) He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now, and the tax benefits are much better for married. I’m trying to be understanding as I know separations are tough, and I didn’t even mind they are amicable, she still talks to his mum who is going through cancer treatment etc as she’s known her forever, and he went back up to help her when their joint dog was sick which I thought was fair as he loves that dog. She sent him down a Xmas present. But she does know about me - I have iron proof of that. And I know he loves me, we have said it etc.

however. Today he told me that she has asked him to go to couples therapy with her, supposedly not for reconciliation but to help her move on from some things in their marriage. He is very caring about everyone and has considered it as he thinks it’ll help her move on. For me though, I was pretty shocked. This is not something I’ve heard of for couples who don’t have dc they are trying to have an amicable divorce for, or for couples who aren’t looking to reconcile. He doesn’t think it’s odd she asked, or disrespectful to us that he is considering it. They are both in individual therapy anyway. Part of me think if she was dating herself no way would she ask this of him.

Aibu about this? Would you have therapy with an ex you didn’t want to get back with who you didn’t have dc with or any other ties to, especially if you are in a new established relationship? I’m embarrassed to say I got a little upset today when he told me. No moves made to file for divorce although in his state no fault divorce only takes 2 months. Them having therapy when they’re not even officially divorcing makes me feel insecure.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 20/02/2024 22:29

orsina · 20/02/2024 21:56

Today has been really hard. He has completely cooled towards me. Just a week ago he was trying to talk me round from an argument he caused, bringing me surprise flowers etc. Now since the conversation the other day, he isn’t contacting me which is unheard of and so I realise I am maybe being discarded. Maybe even forever. I am walking around feeling like I have a pit in my stomach, feeling so guilty because I flipped when he said the thing about having couples therapy with his ex (in his own words, saying that to ‘upset’ and ‘hurt’ me). I wish I hadn’t risen to it as now he has painted me as some kind of abuser who can’t be a good partner or mother. Even though he tried to get to me by saying it, he said he was so ‘dumbstruck’ by me getting angry and that he feels if that’s how I deal with conflict,‘I would do it in front of any kids we have. My head feels fried from that kind of accusation/mental leap. But also part of my mind wants to make it better and ensure things are ok. Even though I know he isn’t a good guy. I feel like I’m in withdrawal or something.

He has cooled towards you because the penny has dropped for him that you are not buying his bullsh*t any more and his usual manipulation and emotional blackmail aren't working. Hold firm OP and throw yourself into other activities. Get out and see friends, get some exercise and fresh air, do things you enjoy. Realise that getting your freedom back means you can please yourself and not this demanding and controlling man!

GingerIsBest · 20/02/2024 22:36

Actually I don't think he will leave. He's punishing you. Then he will reappear, tell you how.awful you are and wait for you to agree to whatever he wants. My guess would be that he will want you to prove your love by introducing him to your dd.

Zonder · 20/02/2024 22:38

"feeling so guilty because I flipped when he said the thing about having couples therapy with his ex (in his own words, saying that to ‘upset’ and ‘hurt’ me)...he has painted me as some kind of abuser who can’t be a good partner or mother."

Read this again OP. He said something to hurt you, you reacted and he is painting you as the abuser.

What a red flag. Block him and move on. You are clearly a good person and deserve better.

2Rebecca · 20/02/2024 22:45

You were thinking of ending things with him remember? He's showing his true feelings now. He's only interested if you comply. He's not trying to win you round or improve his behaviour.

Original poster
orsina · 20/02/2024 22:45

I did kind of shout. Which I really hate and haven’t done in I don’t know how long. I said the f word and I cried and nearly walked out. I felt so panicky and angry. Because we had had a tough week as he had caused some drama and kept revisiting it, and then when I came over for what I thought was a cup of tea and a nice chat, he started showing me articles on how good partners prioritise their partners above all else and when I (mildly) said I think when kids are in the mix that means priorities can shift but then he said, clearly pissed off, that if we got married and I told him my DD was his number 1 priority (or even our own kids!) “it would be a problem”. and seemingly out of nowhere then he was like “I think Im going to have couples therapy with X”. I was shocked. I guess I could have tried to react calmer but after everything he’s said about her for months, it was just so hurtful and confusing. I know he is convincing himself that I’m some crazy person or angry person now to make sure he is in control of what happens next. I am reading this thread and some articles about narcissism to try and cope. But I am a naturally guilty feeling person and a people pleaser and I am beating myself up for getting so angry. I feel like I have no ‘moral high ground’ and I feel this sense of abandonment. He hasn’t even texted me back today, I sent one this morning. So much for ‘reliability’. I now feel like I have no idea what was ever really going on with his ex. His behaviour is so extreme good or bad, and I feel like I’ve been in a triangle way longer than unrealised.

OP posts:
Zonder · 20/02/2024 22:51

Wow, you prioritising kids (even his kids) would be an issue for him?

It's good you've found this all out now.

RandomForest · 20/02/2024 22:57

Yes, it's either a punishment phase or the disgard.

He's now fully in control.

He may come back though op to hoover you back for a bit of fuel, but it sounds as though your test as the greatest empath has ended. He will now have you accepting crumbs whilst he returns back to his wife.

I wouldn't take it personally op, his wife is in no better possition, she has been put to the side whilst he had his fling with you, she probably is completely unaware of who you are, although she may know he has been occupied, elsewhere. She won't have been having a very good time of it.

Maybe he has chosen her to be the primary partner again but be aware that this type of man once he starts searching will keep looking for the ideal person. That person doesn't exist.

Don't allow him back, he will keep you at distance always hoping for his return, if you let him.

Zero contact, it's the only way.

GreigeO · 20/02/2024 22:59

Right, so the minute you said you would prioritise your kids over him he basically threatens to get back with his wife (because why else would someone have couples therapy with their ex?) and you’re beating yourself up for shouting? Shouting is natural in this situation. He has made you angry, so you shout. That is normal. You didn’t threaten him, you just expressed your anger. Telling him to fuck off should be the least of it!

RandomForest · 20/02/2024 23:03

Considering how he wants to be prioritised over your children and maybe future children I would also be very concerned about how adament he is about meeting your daughter.

Warning signs.

candycane222 · 20/02/2024 23:08

Hes a nasty piece of work isn't he?

Dotty87 · 20/02/2024 23:21

This is the part where you're supposed to be so grateful when he finally gets in contact with you that you'll adjust your behaviour and give in to whatever he asks. In reality you've done nothing wrong, he's manipulating (training) you and playing on your kind nature. I know you admit to being a people pleaser, but try to take a step back and consider your own feelings, and not just what he wants.

SharkieAndGeorge · 20/02/2024 23:27

Nine months in - it's really, REALLY not meant to be this hard OP.

2Rebecca · 20/02/2024 23:34

He sounds really nasty and controlling. He gets to decide all the rules about phone obsession and you always being available to him when he wants to moan. Keep him well away from your daughter as he will be jealous of her.
Don't contact him. Find something to distract yourself. You do need to emotionally escape from him.

JFDIYOLO · 20/02/2024 23:57

You won't get a true response from him on anything, as it's all about manipulating a warped version of reality - as you have described him doing.

There will be some appalled reaction here to this thought - but I would contact her.

Ask her calmly and politely if she's looking to restore the relationship and have him back, if they're discussing it and if that's what the counselling is intended to do.

Maybe you'll find she has no idea about you and thinks he's just away on an extended work trip.

Maybe you'll discover there isn't any 'counselling'.

And maybe you'll find out how she feels about the way he behaves towards her, about what he's doing now.

He is subjecting you to a massive mindfuck, with his ridiculous articles and whatnot. But the problem is you're starting to believe him.

And the next thing is you'll introduce him to your daughter and she'll be dragged into the mud.

You've only been in it a few months, nothing, really. You can still climb out.

HenndigoOZ · 21/02/2024 03:03

orsina · 20/02/2024 22:45

I did kind of shout. Which I really hate and haven’t done in I don’t know how long. I said the f word and I cried and nearly walked out. I felt so panicky and angry. Because we had had a tough week as he had caused some drama and kept revisiting it, and then when I came over for what I thought was a cup of tea and a nice chat, he started showing me articles on how good partners prioritise their partners above all else and when I (mildly) said I think when kids are in the mix that means priorities can shift but then he said, clearly pissed off, that if we got married and I told him my DD was his number 1 priority (or even our own kids!) “it would be a problem”. and seemingly out of nowhere then he was like “I think Im going to have couples therapy with X”. I was shocked. I guess I could have tried to react calmer but after everything he’s said about her for months, it was just so hurtful and confusing. I know he is convincing himself that I’m some crazy person or angry person now to make sure he is in control of what happens next. I am reading this thread and some articles about narcissism to try and cope. But I am a naturally guilty feeling person and a people pleaser and I am beating myself up for getting so angry. I feel like I have no ‘moral high ground’ and I feel this sense of abandonment. He hasn’t even texted me back today, I sent one this morning. So much for ‘reliability’. I now feel like I have no idea what was ever really going on with his ex. His behaviour is so extreme good or bad, and I feel like I’ve been in a triangle way longer than unrealised.

I used to feel guilty and be a people pleaser too. Then I read The 48 laws of power by Robert Greene, which is a deep dive into the minds of manipulative people.
After that, I was healed and I don’t feel at all guilty about propping up boundaries against manipulative people.

Remember your daughter will be taking her cues from you in terms of future relationships. Would you want her in a relationship with a man like that?

EcstaticMarmalade · 21/02/2024 03:08

You don’t need to have the “moral
high ground” to end a relationship. The relationship just needs to not working for you or making you uncomfortable.

And for what it’s worth, I don’t even think you’ve lost the moral high ground.

MiltonNorthern · 21/02/2024 04:56

It doesn't matter that you got angry and shouted. You had a right to be angry.
This man is a total head fuck. You have a child! You CANNOT be ruining your brain with this awful relationship. You need to go cold turkey (yes it is like withdrawal) and pass through the pain to the point you're recovered. You have to do it for your child if not for yourself. Can you imagine putting her through this cycle? That's what would happen if he got into her life. She would be subject to his behaviour too.

rainbowstardrops · 21/02/2024 05:49

The more you write about him, the worse he sounds. He told you he'd have an issue if any child was your priority and not him?! Surely the scales have fallen from your eyes by now and you can see all those huge red flags flapping widely in the wind?!
Get rid. He sounds nasty and quite honestly, dangerous.

bottomsup12 · 21/02/2024 07:34

Can't she go to therapy herself? This is super weird I wouldn't be on board with it. Coulles therah suggests she thinks there could be a reconciliation and he would consider it for the kids if the therapy opened his eyes

Zonder · 21/02/2024 07:40

Yes - the clue is in the name of couples therapy I guess. However the good thing is that it has given OP chance to see the bad behaviour of this guy.

OneMerryRedSnail · 21/02/2024 07:43

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2024 01:02

Read that again and then ask yourself why you are wasting your time with this man.

Show quote history

This ^

Suchagroovyguy · 21/02/2024 07:49

You need to stop trying anything with this man. He’s insane and toxic and his poison is working a treat on you.

Surely you’re not actually trying to salvage things with him? Surely???

then he said, clearly pissed off, that if we got married and I told him my DD was his number 1 priority (or even our own kids!) “it would be a problem”. and seemingly out of nowhere then he was like “I think Im going to have couples therapy with X”.

jenny38 · 21/02/2024 07:52

So he said the couples therapy to hurt you, when you were having an argument. That's mean, I wonder if he had always planned to do the therapy, but let it slip because he was annoyed. I think you can hold a mirror up to him, his own response to conflict leaves a lot to be desired, and dar more hurtful that a couple of swear words. He's not a keeper. If you stay together, I suspect this is a conversation you will replay in your head. It'd set the seeds of suspicion.

Suchagroovyguy · 21/02/2024 08:53

This man will destroy you. I can picture him as the type to goad and goad you, then film you, laugh at you and say, “look how awful you are? Look how completely mental you are. I’ll show this to everyone so they can see what I have to deal with.”

Stop trying, for some insane reason, to fix this.

Yeahno · 21/02/2024 11:02

FGS, just break you with this man. Are you waiting for him to dump you or you want him to pick you so you can carry on with the relationship that was making you miserable. What are you waiting for?