It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

This guy is not a keeper.

There's only really one reason to waste your time with someone who is not a keeper -good sex. And this is not good sex.

In case you need any persuading @PinkPanther98 , a list of reasons to ditch and move on:

1. You are 25, barely an adult. So much so that government and health services are pushing 18-25 late adolescent/young adult specific health service. He's 35. That's a huge difference (for most people, at that life stage) and it is he, not you, who is taking advantage of that.
2. You are 25, do you really want to be a step mother?
3. You are 25, do you really want to be a step mother alongside a dad who isn't exactly pulling out all the stops?
4. He lives with his mum, at 35 (not a deal breaker alone, but part of a picture here)
5. This is a man who is prepared to treat a 25 year old like his own personal sex object. He has no real respect for you. Your gut is already telling you this, hence your post.

This isn't about you communicating better. This isn't on you. This is about him and his choices, his behaviours. It's not our job in life to communicate away the stupid shit men do. Throw him away and find a better one who doesn't need to be told to treat you with respect. He has shown you who he is, in a pretty graphic display.

I'm double your age, so I guess I have some years of experience. I definitely look back and think I could have done things better aged 25-35. If I could do it again, I'd have much more good sex with the people who were great sexual partners (without worrying about so much about marriage, kids etc)....and much less sex with the ones who were just awful or who left me feeling like this.

His attitude to your car is really neither here nor there after everything else you've described.

And yet you are still seeing him?

He is repulsive.

It really worries me that these days with all the information out there that some women and indeed men, set their bar and standards so low that they'll accept anything.

FWIW, I was engaged at 21, seeing someone at 23/4 who wanted me to move in with them (no thanks!), then had a 6 month relationship and then from 24-26 was single and free. I had a blast! It was in late 90s/00s. The man I did meet at 26/27 was a bit of a control freak, jealous and possessive but I'd honestly never come across this before in my life (seen it with others though).

I was incredibly lucky though. My DM and her DM (my nana) had been married and divorced twice in DM's case and in nana's case 3 x and had both had or still had in nana's case their own successful businesses, and always taught me to stand up for myself re men, be independent and don't take their shit. So I didn't. I was probably too the latter re men! But thank god I had their advice and wisdom rather than no one. In fact nana told me that marriage was only a piece of paper and that I didn't need a man in my life if I didn't want one! I think after 3 marriages (she divorced the third when she was 70 and it was a loveless marriage they were only together for a business and because they had 2 houses next door to each other together and rented out rooms on the top floors of one, stepgrandad lived in another in a few rooms).

I can't imagine literally pounding for hours without ever looking to give you pleasure.

Didn't you have any breaks?

Also, if he's not orgasmed after 15 minutes when he's fresh... simply continuing won't help. He'll be just be getting more and more fatigued and less and less able to finish! I'm guessing he must be pretty physically fit to have continued for that long - but you're not a piece of gym equipment for an extended cardio workout!

Oh well

I guess the op is still working on her communication skills...

it's been a couple of days since she last replied, it would appear she hasn't finished with him ? as i would have thought she would have come back and let us know.

Thank you for this. Sometimes a bullet pointed list just simplifies all the reasons!

Well it's quite the opposite of good sex.. I literally want to avoid it after that, and he might only be in it for that 😬

Yeah I know 10 years is quite a big age gap. At first I looked at this as a positive. Men seem to mature later. I've had younger relationships around my sort of age and they seem to be more into the out every week lifestyle, so it was refreshing at first to find someone who isn't interested in this scene and seemed quite focused on his work.

I didn't seem too worried about the step mum thing mainly as it we're so new, I was working out where we were going first. I think what's become more alarming to me is leaving his ex with young twins and when he took those days off work, he didn't prioritise the kids.

That's exactly what I have been conflicted with. Is knowing I need to work on my communication there better.. but also frustrated at how he took advantage of the situation to get as much as he can until he is told. Goes from starting something that should be fun to feeling totally disrespected.

No breaks whatsoever 😕

Yeah despite everything else, it's actually a complete turn off that I can't get him to that point..

He is a bit of a gym goer.. but I'm not 😂 I'm getting more and more fatigued and it shows. And it's like why is he not reading the room 🥴

I agree it's not much at all! Was just adding to the picture a bit. It came across as a bit manipulative to me.. taking time off to "help me out", but when it came down to it, he wasn't really bothered, just using it as an excuse.

I know I can't understand why they desire to keep going on and on. Especially after the first time, it's like it's going to take even longer to finish again 🙄
Perhaps it does have a knock on effect to how they treat you outside the bedroom too..

OP, I don't know how to say it any plainer that the many, many PPs who have already said it but in case you need to hear it again

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DUMP THIS PORN-SICK CONTROLLING ARSEHOLE.

Of course he seemed like a nice guy at first. Abusers don't show their true colours right out of the gate...they suck you in with lovebombing and the Mr Perfect act. But as soon as the red flags start to wave then RUN, and believe me there are so many red flags here that Karl Marx just called asking for a few back.

Thank you for your insight. I think it's because outside of this, he had been so nice and attentive! Again why it was a shock when it went to the bedroom and it was the opposite!

Although after this.. how can he really be that "nice guy" 😕 not checking in or taking a break or anything. Yes I was under the illusion that having a chat would change things. I thought some men needed it spelling out but I'd rather not have to do this and they just have.. manners 🤷‍♀️ xx

I don't necessarily think it's all about standards as you get taken in at the beginning of the romance/romantic gestures and think that you have got a good one!

I think they (your mum & nan) set you a good mindset. I do feel we need to be able to stand on our own two feet.. what if something happens or if they walk out one day. I hate needing to rely on anyone 😂 but I like to think having a relationship can be a nice addition to your life.

Look, none of us here are telling you what to do, merely advising you.

But the thing is with this man, if you try and fix his issues, it'll be one long headache for you. You may fall pregnant and then have a baby as well as being a stepmum to his children.

Trust us when we say that though he may be great on the outside, good looking, nice body, nice personality, chemistry between you, a man who leaves his wife and 15 month old twins (plus another child?) really isn't a keeper.

Most men at his age are either in it for the long haul or have had enough or they get blips where they go to the pub a lot more etc. Don't get me wrong, twins aren't easy, I know that as a close friend had them! And I'm not saying his wife wasn't at fault either. Neither of us know. It's also not ideal but sometimes happens in life that you have to move back to the family (parents) home due to finances.

All we're saying is go into this or stay in this with your eyes wide open not closed!

I had very similar with a man - think I mentioned it here but even then he took a break. I don't know why he did these marathon sex sessions either (he seemed proud of it!) and he didn't seem to be a porn man either. But generally, it's not what most women want! Maybe on the very very odd occasion but certainly not on a regular basis, and if so, take breaks, be polite, ensure your partner is comfortable down there etc!

Apparently - if you're older or have erection/sex difficulties as a man, second time round does last longer. But he's only 35 ffs!

You have it so right - the man I was seeing who did it for ages, well he couldn't orgasm - or unless it was me in stockings and suspenders one time. Now I know why he couldn't orgasm! Silly me.

He also had strange things - he got very hot and had some sort of eczema issue with one woman (GF) he lived with, he got so hot apparently he had to step outside into the cold snow to cool down! I mentioned to him at the time maybe it was his subconscious feeling things weren't ok. His parents had divorced acrimoniously when he was 9 and his DM had had to have 2 jobs to survive and then at 11 he went to boarding school (DF was in army so you get that education through that) and he was upset though he liked school. I think he had a very skewed way of looking at female relationships. After he ended it with this woman where he got very hot, the temperature thing (he'd had that with her) went away. And later on his eczema cleared up.

Lots of the same opinions and suggestions in the responses here, @PinkPanther98 and your thoughtful follow up posts seem to be agreeing with them. So, have you decided on your next steps or communicated anything to him (or even better, kicked him to the kerb) yet?

I might give that a watch actually! Many many men have these kinks and the problem is putting it onto their girlfriends/partners, rather than finding someone who is more sexually compatible. Although I'm not sure many (if any) women would want to go on for hours without breaks doing the majority of the work🙄

Oh yes the media and what you're exposed to can be the worst. Almost telling you how you "should" look to be attractive/desirable! I worry myself about what teenagers view just when you're trying to create an identity for yourself.
The same for men when they perhaps see how porn treats women and think it's okay to do the same.. or that's what they're supposed to do! Ugh angers me!

That's frustrating that you have to be "picture perfect" to match his fantasies for him to get off 🙄 feel like we have to match everything they see online and in their imaginations these days!

That's funny you say that, he stepped outside for fresh air too! Didn't think much of it because you do get a bit hot & sweaty 😂 maybe there is more too it..

Honestly, I reckon he was trying to show himself as an experienced sexual giver, having a little Tommy tank first so it wasn't over in seconds and it went to pot. You say he's full of romantic gestures etc, I'd talk to him about it if I liked him enough to have sex with him.

So, what have you done about old bangerman?

I haven't seen him at all, very little messages exchanged. I've been pretty stagnant whilst deciding what to do. I was going to have a conversation but reading through all this is making me feel it is more of a deal breaker. He crossed my boundary which I failed to communicate. But I have to stop putting it all on me because why didn't he check in at all, or just be more respectful with how long he wanted it for... if I didn't eventually put a stop to it, I reckon he would have gone on all night! I don't want a sexual partner who is lazy and goes on forever 🙄

Either that or he has been desensitised due to porn addiction maybe 🤔 Is his mind just a bit warped where he thinks women want this? Totally backfired if that's the case.

Yes outside this our relationship seemed fine!

Surprisingly men do seem proud of it! I've heard men brag about how long they can go on for, or how "you won't be able to walk afterwards" which is just the most unappealing thing 😂

Absolutely if you want a prolonged session it's more rarely than what should be expected and stopping having a drink, cuddles etc. We had none of this. In the end, I was trying to do anything to please him to make him finish 🙄 not fun