It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

@DixonD · Today 02:30

My husband can be like this OP.

I thought he had a much lower sex drive than me; it just turns out he likes to do things I don’t and sometimes they really hurt. The last two times he really hurt me I ended up with very painful UTIs.

I tolerate it because I don’t want our sex life to become so infrequent again and I want him to have a good time. I don’t want to feel like a failure or bad in bed. I love sex but I don’t like being in pain.

He knows it hurts but just tells me “a couple more minutes”; “just a bit longer” or “just try it.” Once, on one occasion when I protested I received a “sssshhhh”. I did lose it that time but felt guilty for ruining his fun.

The last time we had sex was two weeks ago and was one of the worst. I don’t know if I can face it again. The thought makes me cry. Reading your posts made me cry.

In your position, I’d get out now. This is who he is.

Off topic slightly, but what on earth were you doing sexually, that gave you a painful UTI?!

You are preoccupied with the issue of whether he "knows" what he is doing, is that because you like him and would rather change the sex and then get on with seeing him or do you feel obliged to let him have opportunity to make his point ?
Both options worry me, though, because you are kind of saying that despite feeling violated and absent, you are still willing to see how conscious he was that you took no pleasure and therefore I presume whether he is is nice guy or not.
Dear OP ...it doesn't matter.....this wasn't a 5 minute diversion from an otherwise beautiful night of beautiful sexy sex...it was hours and hours of violation. ( Definitely porn and viagra !) You must see that and end it. His charm isn't the real him, the one you're trying to please ...it is just how he got you in bed .....bringing his bag , inviting himself for several days ! Oh yuk yukky yuk, I want to vomit .
My darling this man, this older man, is potentially very dangerous at best he is a cock and his ex is now a very happy woman.
You are the same age as my DD and I want so much for you to be OK.
Please don't waste your precious time and make everyone here sleep better tonight by saying you are going to end it by text .
Xx

Regardless of your original question, what you’ve shared subsequently regarding his relationship with his children would be the thing making me run for the hills. It’s harder if you have no children to understand the significance of his actions. Honestly OP there isn’t anything to consider here.

No !
Dear God, it wasn't just once it was time and time again over a few days ( uninvited and carrying his overnight bag)
This man is 35 she is 25 , he is separated and has children...if he still seriously thinks women like to be treated like that , being posed ....then conversation or not he is a massive prick .
You don't think that maybe his little porn fuelled dreams came true when he felt he had the opportunity to have sex with a 25 year old ? ???
Come on !

This man has newborn baby twins and is busy arranging an innocent young lady into shapes.

Men make me so angry.

But the pressure on men to perform is often from other men, not women. They are very focussed on PiV sex (not to mention anal and oral.) I do enjoy PiV and I like a man with a bit of stamina who isn't finished in 5 minutes - but if he is tired or or struggling for whatever reason - he's got a hand and mouth, I've got my own hands and toys. We can take a break and just kiss* and cuddle up for a bit. (Go to the loo, take a shower, get food, chat...)

If men think they have to be going at it like a jackhammer all the time, that pressure is from men rather than women - and they're probably not really paying attention to feedback or using any imagination, either. Good men will delight in exploring your body, what makes you react, how they can get you to orgasm and how many times, and not just by sticking it in regardless for hours at a time.

• What are his kisses like? The men who are best in bed are the best kissers, too.

partly because I don't know how to communicate it

You communicate by saying ' No, I don't want to.'

If you try something but feel uncomfortable say, ' I don't like it, I don't want to' and move yourself out of whatever position/act he has put you in.

Your problem is not that you don't know this, but that you don't feel entitled to say no. You are entitled to.

Oh my god… his ex wife must run herself baths of champagne to celebrate having this utter POS out of her bed and on the kerbside. I hate to think what she had to tolerate just to have her 3 children. I’m sure she carries healthy rage, enough to remind her of her worth.

I wish you happiness OP. You sound like a tender, considerate soul who opened your heart to the least deserving of men. It happens! How were you to know? I hope you’re feeling strong enough to do right by you. He was kicked to the kerb by his ex for solid reason. Leave him there.

I'm older than you OP but I can say that I have found it common with men who are divorced/ separated ( or looking for affairs 😐) to want a woman with whom they can enact out all the porn they have been watching. They don't say it directly, but its bloody obvious from the things the say.

I avoid these men like the plague and advise that you do too.

Excellent

Hang on, he left his wife with twins who were a couple of months old and a five year old because he said she was controlling?

God I missed this. Its a certain bet that his ' controlling' wife was just trying to get him to step up as a parent and husband. And that he fucked off to live his 'best life' when he realised twins are rather hard work.

What an utter wanker he is.

Porn wrecked, violating, shit shag and total scumbag of a human being to boot. Kick this arsehole to the kerb OP.

You can do so, so much better than some porn-addled guy ten years older than you with a failed marriage, kids in tow, back home with mummy who treats you like a sex doll and gives you a UTI.
Don't waste your youth on that. Find a guy your own age who has maturity as a character trait, the immature ones never really grow out of it.

He sounds awful. But regardless of how he is in bed (which sounds degrading). You are only 25. Why are you interested in a recently separated man with very young children who is noticeably older than you? And who lives with his mum? What on earth can he possibly offer you and why do you want all that baggage? Surely there are better options than him?
I have a sister a similar age. She wouldn’t look at someone like him in a million years. You are young, independent and carefree. Enjoy those years! It’s ok to make mistakes. Let this be a very short lived one though.

Trying very hard to find one redeeming feature about this man. No can't do it. Grim OP, he's just grim.

Uh.
Be careful, OP.
A much older bloke who thinks he's found a new sex doll, who also happens to have her own home that he can move into and bring his DCs round to be looked after...happy days! What's not to like?
So he gets his bag out of the car and stays for 3 days. Then next time he'll just stay. And stay. And stay. You won't have invited him. But you would have to do the awkward thing of getting him to leave. And how well is that going to go when you couldn't do the awkward thing of saying 'stop, that hurts and I don't like it' ?
It should be a nope from you, OP.

Seems like you caught yourself a man-child.

Probably got kicked out by his wife, hence she’s the narcissist for not tolerating his crap. I mean, if he genuinely believed his wife was a narcissist, why would he leave his precious children with her?

Has had to move back in with mummy because he’s broke. He’s got three children to support after all.

He’s been watching waaaayyyy too much porn and has assumed that as you’re young and not a mum yet, you’ll be ‘up for it’ (if he’s a narcissist he won’t be trying to impress).

He believes that women are for his pleasure, which is why you feel objectified. To him, that’s what you are….until you’re a mum of course and that’s boring responsibility then. That’s also why he’s gone for a younger woman. This is not accidental.

And lastly, again because he’s broke and because living with mummy isn’t that much fun (particularly with such a mean porn habit), he’s clocked that he can ‘escape’ to yours! For free!

Op, unless you really cant do better, then I’d consider moving on. The ‘gentleman-like’ behaviour in between all this is carefully considered and purposeful, to draw you in and make you ‘fall in love’ making his end goals a lot easier to achieve.

I could of course be completely wrong, but he really does sound like my ex BIL.

He sounds porn rotted, don't waste your precious time on him.

And who makes that porn?
Men. 99 times out of 100. You think those are women's fantasies?

A 35-year old male who abandoned his wife and three children, took up with a younger woman, lives with his mum and is crap (not to mention degrading) in the sack. What's not to like?

He's selfish and self-centered. The pattern of his entire life screams it. He will not change, no matter how many "open convos" you have. Run screaming today.

Sounds like he’s another porn-educated idiot.
The sad thing is he be probably thinks this is great and enjoyable for you and you are deeply impressed by his while repertoire of moves.

Unless you think he is definitely nice and caring enough to want to correct this, just let him go, OP. Don’t waste lots of time on a selfish idiot. NEXT

Does he take viagra?

OP, how many times do people need to tell you to just get rid.
You are 25!!!!! Meet someone your age, unencumbered by children, fabulous in bed, and build a life together.
Why are you wasting time on him? He is DREADFUL in bed (and not just bad in bed in a "needs more practice" way, but bad in bed in a "makes you feel ashamed, border-line rapist territory, plus ejaculation problems as a bonus" way), someone who left his children (including tiny twins!!!!), too old for you. This isn't going to work.
DUMP.

"That's it, his persona outside is that he is does show qualities of someone to be able to build a life with.. good job, works out, eats well, good relationship with his family. Has a relaxed demeanour, attentive.. all good traits of a stable relationship."

He hasn't shown his ability to build a life with anyone actually, has he?
He's ditched the wife and 3 kids.
Only in your head has he got those qualities.

He calls his ex wife 'controlling'. Probably because she asked him to stay home and help mind the twins instead of going to the Gym 4 nights a week.

Have you tried bathing two babies on your own while entertaining a 6 yr old at the same time?
Now she's doing that alone.

She won't get time to go to the gym, or make nice dinners to eat well and look after herself that's for sure.

He puts his needs first.

This with bells on.

It's all testing your boundaries OP....he wants to set up a situation where he's in control of your house, your life, and in a couple years time you may even be pregnant by him

(doing all the work at home and paying for him, whilst he offers you "help" and "acts like a gentleman").

To older guys with kids, getting a younger woman with no children is like winning the lottery. That's why they're fucking desperate.

When I was online dating, got contacted by a few guys who "pretended they didn't have children" so they could target childfree women.

I blocked them as soon as I found out. There's loads of lovely women with children...they don't want THEM as they want a woman's money and attention all for them.

Of course he's going to put all the effort into The Relationship and Being Nice.

He's not interested in you or your happiness, he wants to trick you and dominate you until eventually you're forced to be a stepmum paying for him and his 3 kids.

Agree with pps. He sounds dangerous and manipulative (when you dump him he'll have lost his new home and woman 10 years younger to be his cash cow).

I'd send one short factual message, tell him not to contact you again or you'll report him for harassment and block him everywhere. Do NOT agree to be friends, or for him to "help" you, or he'll cause mayhem.

I'd send one short factual message, tell him not to contact you again or you'll report him for harassment and block him everywhere. Do NOT agree to be friends, or for him to "help" you, or he'll cause mayhem.

Everything this poster says you need to take heed of, particularly this last paragraph. You need to cut yourself off to protect yourself abs you need your do it now. Don't be his friend. Don't even think about it. Friends do not abuse you like this man is clearly abusing you.