It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

I dated a guy like this many years ago. The sex would go on & on, then when he finished within an hour he’d be tapping me for more. I found him disrespectful in other ways too so we lasted less than a month. I look back now & shudder that it was any more than a ONS.

You do NOT need to open up this convo, OP, I think you just need to get rid. Before it (or worse) happens again.

Stay away from him OP he's dangerous.

Dump him. You deserve better.
If he wants an explanation, don't hold back as what he's done to you isn't fair.😒

The OP was here most of yesterday evening, through the evening, into the early hours then off and on until 5am - ish

She hasn't been back.

I hope she was either catching up on her sleep - as she didn't get a lot last night
or is visiting family / out with friends / gone to Church etc. / what ever people do on a Sunday.

and that she is not out with him today - as he is probably free today having seen his children yesterday.

i hope she sent home a short text saying that she doesn't want to see him again, then blocked him...

Well I saw no evidence that OP was listening to the very clear advice on here. I suspect she’s going to try and talk to him about it, if she hasn’t already. If she’s incredibly lucky this abuser will call her frigid (I’ve heard that old chestnut a few times for having standards around sexual behaviour) and/or ‘just like’ his wife and not contact her again.

If he appears to take it on the chin then I dread to think what will happen next.

If you can, @PinkPanther98 come back to the thread and take notice.

If he was into anything you/he does he'd have finished in minutes not carried on for hours so he's not even into it either ?!?!?! Crazy

It certainly sounds like he was in a sexless relationship

Weren't his youngest kids only a few short months old when he left/they split??

So it was hardly sexless for long, was it!

And if it was sexless with new twins and another child, that would hardly be surprising. There are ebbs and flows in people's sex lives. New parenthood/very young kids being one of them.

Have read over a few posts & will reply properly, but had a busy day & going out this evening so I haven't gone awol.

Today he's seems to be distant, very empty responses and it is coming across to me that he acts as this caring, supportive person.. when it suits him! (This is via a couple brief messages)

Honestly I've been really put off him 😂

and/or ‘just like’ his wife and not contact her again

There is no way he's going to ditch a ten years younger childless woman with her own place, who has previously let him do what he wants sexually.... He'll work on this for quite a while.

The only way she's getting rid of him is if she ends it, with no coming back.

I was being charitable to the guy. In reality, he's not going to agree to the couple of months without a wank needed for the reset phase.

Throw this one back.

Just to give it some context, today I got the car he supposedly took three days off to help me with, and he couldn't have been less enthusiastic! So has made me see through the act for sure.

He is seriously punching and you are seriously selling yourself short - getting involved with a divorced father of 3 (?) ten years older.

No matter how shit a father he is, he's paying for three kids for 18 plus years. Any kids you would have with him are getting one fifth of what they might have been getting.
Sorry if that sounds mercenary .... But it's reality. If you're not rich, it makes a difference to you and your future kids.

Then there's the stepmother shit, not easy.

Then there's the fact that the circumstances in which his marriage broke down do not reflect well on him. Only the worse, dumbest type of dickhead walks or doesn't try their utmost to persevere and give it time in the earliest period of new babies .... It's a very hard time. It's a precedent for when times are challenging and he needs to not be selfish, unreasonable, unrealistic etc.
He sounds like the sort of man who could easily become a Jeremy Kyle contestant, with multiple kids by different women.

Young childless women night be more inclined to get involved with men like this because you don't have the experience to realise what behaviour/circumstances like this mean about the men, and that's it highly unlikely to be his ex being the only or main issue.

This is not even touching on his pornified, selfish, insensitive, shitty sexual "performance".

Just dump him OP.

PinkPanther98 Hope your next post is confirmation you’ve ditched him 🤞

I am concerned how many times you have communicated with him today and yesterday ?

did you view this car with him, or you have found this one yourself ?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon you so have your eye on the ball !! Excellent xx

Regardless of the porn use, prior experience, pressure to perform, unfamiliarity...

The fact remains Doucheman didn't need to know all the answers here - because the expert on OP's sexual pleasure was right fucking there.

All he had to do was ask.
Failing that, observe body language and respond appropriately.
The fact that he apparently did neither of those, during several hours of sexual activity, raises serious questions about whether he even saw OP as a person capable of pleasure, discomfort, or dignity. This is why the whole this feels objectifying and dehumanising - he literally treated OP like an object with no inner subjective experience.

OP I'm a bit concerned about how passive you're sounding today and you've clearly not dumped him.
He also sounds now like he was just using you.

Jesus: this!

For god’s sake OP recognize this user for who he is: a casual date that turned seriously abusive because you can’t say no and assert a normal boundary. An adult woman does not have to passively accept painful, tedious, sex for fear of “being selfish” or “spoiling the mood.” A 25 year old woman should be able to say to mr “my bag is in the car” that he is not staying over and he is not getting more for his “help” than a warm smile.

And a man who abayhis 14 month old twins is not “good with family.”

I bet OP goes back to him and tries to fix his issues... lost cause every time doing that!

^This.

I am so sad that this happened to you, OP. Seriously though, you just need to end it. You'll never feel safe with this bloke ever.

Have you dumped him yet?