It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

@PinkPanther98 just do it - ditch him. You owe him nothing as he's treated you with a complete lack of respect and consideration

Don't blame yourself as I know myself how easy it is to get taken in by someone who is lovebombing you it doesn't mean you are at fault it just means you made a mess stake - move on and have the life you deserve with someone who treats you with respect and kindness 💐

Yep and this wasn't even the second round! I don't get it.
But generally you would think after that first bit of excitement is over, you would have to build them up again.. and I don't want to start again once we get to the finish line 😂

At this point in time, hours for me just seems exhausting.. because it was.
Unfortunately it was the sort of sex act - all for them, none for you - that you feel you should be getting paid! 😂 Because what was I doing it for if it's not mutual. Sex shouldn't feel like a job !

I do think after the long marriage he's using this to try and get all his Christmases come at once!

Yeah I understand relationships break down and I don't know the true extent (maybe it was her who had enough), but leaving young twins is a massive warning sign if it was his decision. Or he is not being truthful with how long he has been single for.

Yeah after this it made me question what he really wanted. Surely you would want to be more loving/intimate with a new partner and perhaps build up to it. Not use it as an opportunity to reenact your porn fantasies 😷
As otherwise I would have described him as more of a reserved and subdued man, this came out of nowhere!

I've got a new man. Today was our third meeting. He's learnt some of the things that worked last time, so there was a bit more gocus on them. There are a couple of positions I feel neutrally about, but they clearly work for him, so that's okay by me, because it's not all about me apparently, though a lot is. There have been a couple of things I've said no to, and he's respected that. Mostly he's trying to find all the different ways he can get me to orgasm, but he's also given me a bit of feedback on how/where to touch him, too. We've had long sessions, but it's really good fun, and that's how it should be, especially at the start, and watching the clock only because he's got to get to a meeting at 1pm, not because you're wondering when it's polite to say, let's stop now.

Men who aren't like this, interested in finding out what turns you on, checking you're happy - they don't get a second chance. There are enough men out there who are decent in bed that you don't have to put up with the crap ones.

I know I want to explain why because although he should know (and probably does from some comments.. "you won't be letting me over again" as he jokes 🙄), men can be delusional and no doubt has tricked his own mind over the past few days to make himself feel better.

Yes outside this our relationship seemed fine!

You keep saying this, OP. You keep saying over and over that he treated you really well apart from this bedroom thing.

He didn't though, did he? He didn't treat you well AT ALL.

He invited himself to stay, he overstayed, and - this gives me the massive ick just reading it - he promised to 'leave you alone' the following night.

He treated you like a Pleasure Model Mk1. A possession. A performing machine that you have to press a few 'act nice' buttons and have a bit of determination to gain access to. Who the actual fuck is he to be telling you when and if you will be 'left alone'? In your own house ffs??

Look, you said that you were in an abusive relationship before this. You also cannot entirely identify this relationship for what it is. Please, please enroll in the Freedom Program, because you need help in spotting this sort of thing right from the off. It will just make you more aware of the warning signs next time you run across a new variant of abuse.

OP you have said a couple of times that you thought he'd be more mature at 35 because men mature more slowly. But that's not it - it's just down to individual personalities. Someone who is an immature tosser at 25 isn't going to be improved by an additional decade. They'll just be the same immature tosser with some hair loss and erectile dysfunction.

For the love of god find someone your own age with no baggage. I'm not totally against age gap relationships but it should be someone you're really, really into to make it worth it otherwise what's the point?

A few posters have advised the freedom program, so I will look in to this. I really want to start a relationship with healthy boundaries as means to go on.. but now we've crossed them, it's like I'm having to go back and fix them 🥴

Yeah it's been such a violation even more so when you highlight it's all in my home.

Aha you make a good point there.. that it's not all about age but their personalities. In fact, part of me thinks I got the short straw after he's letting loose post marriage & kids.

from your responses with so many exclamation marks and emojis, it’s clear that you just think this is no big deal.

i see so many women stay in relationships because they think they should just fix the issues. They never seem to realise that a relationship with big issues isn’t a good one.

Who cares why he treated you like this. Who cares if it’s because he thought women like it or he was trying to show off. IT DOESNT MATTER. what matters is that you weren’t happy and you felt violated. Clearly it’s not the right match for you - you’re not supposed to feel that way in a relationship.

hundreds of women have given you the same advice - take it seriously

I think OP is just enjoying talking about him at this point and all the advice to simply get away from this disgusting, abusive man has fallen on deaf ears.

Still all talk about improving communication and thinking perhaps he’s not so nice but…maybe he’s just immature, no sign that she’s not still all in to this ‘relationship’.

I’m done, and unwatching the thread.

Yes it sounds like he was trying to prove himself and fulfilling his pent up sexual fantasies which he feels entitled to - after a long (presumably monogamous) marriage - with a much younger woman who he assumes will be fine with being treated like a passive blow up sex doll/porn star. Hate to say it but this is why a lot of men go for younger women. Apart from being likely to be a lot firmer in key areas, compared with women their own age, it’s also a power thing. Younger women (no disrespect) are more likely to me more malleable when it comes to wanting to please their older partner and are at somewhat of a disadvantage just due to a disparity in life experience, for want of a better phrase. This is a sweeping generalisation I know but is also true in a lot of cases. I hope it’s not the case here and you are equally as confident in your relationship as he is, OP.

The thing is things like Ann Summers or whatever, at least in the past, put an emphasis on a man lasting a long time being what a woman needs to orgasm.

So a lot of men pride themselves on being able to keep going for ages (but maybe more older blokes than this guy who grew up thinking that was a good thing.)

I'm lucky enough that PIV does it for me, I don't even like receiving oral. But people now realise a lot of women get more out of oral than PIV, so men tend to pride themselves on their supposed oral skills instead now.

So he might've thought lasting longer was not for his pleasure, it's seen as a bloke being a good lover. A bloke lasting 30 seconds is crap after all (at least as far as I'm concerned.)

@PinkPanther98 All of this is undercut a bit by him 'making you do most of the work.' So he didn't do much that's impressive. I can't even feel a man much in any pleasant way from that angle, and it's knackering. On the other hand some women like being on top and get more out of it than in other positions as they feel they can get more clit involvement in that position either by themselves, with a toy, or maybe from the bloke? Doesn't do it for me in that position though.

Maybe his previous lover liked stamina and liked being on top, so that's what he thinks women like (people tend to mainly be influenced by what their last partner was into, esp if it was long term and monogamous.)

and none of this excuses any demeaning, porny or sleazy stuff he did of course.

from your responses with so many exclamation marks and emojis, it’s clear that you just think this is no big deal.

@Mathsgal et al- people thought this when I made a thread once but it was just I was appreciating people's responses, plus these men are a bit of a joke in a way aren't they? That was why I was putting smilies when people accused me of this in a thread of mine once anyway. This doesn't mean it isn't also serious of course.

You can tell OP does feel seriously about how he's acting because of some of the words she uses such as violated, demeaned etc.

@PinkPanther98 I really don't understand how or why you think he's 'letting loose' with you. Why is it you think he didn't treat his wife the same? Because the bullshitter fed you bullshit? I think that's the reason people are asking you to take the freedom program, your boundaries are very poor. Of course the piece of crap who treated his wife and babies like crap will treat you the same way. He knew you didn't like it, hence the 'I'll leave you alone tonight' comment.

Please try to see clearly that he doesn't think, wow, how lucky am I to be able to let loose. He's thinking, I wonder how long I can get away with pushing this ones limits.... she's pretty naive and is swallowing my bullshit, so maybe a bit longer.

@PinkPanther98

So if you're planning on breaking it off, and I think you are, may I make a suggestion?

Don't bother to explain in detail that his performance in bed is 'sub par'. All it will do is lead to him justifying himself, how 'all other women' like going for hours, that he's 'never had complaints' etc etc., possibly followed by "I can change all that". He possibly could 'change' his sexual performance, but his basic desires wouldn't change and that would only lead to frustration on his part and possibly trying to convince you that 'his way' is the right way. It's not your job to fix his poor performance nor to cater to his desires. It's your job to simply say "I've given it quite a bit of thought and I've decided that we're not really compatible and so I've decided to call time on our relationship. I wish you the best going forward".

The furthest I'd go with an explanation is "I've decided I don't want to date men with children" because that's something he can't try to argue away or tell you "I'll change".

@PinkPanther98 I think if he did promise to change, he would soon go back to pushing or wheedling for this stuff he wants. Because he is sexually coercive. Their changing their spots doesn't last for long and they soon go back into the stage of being actively abusive, once they've persuaded you back/charmed you.

A lot of us have been there and done that, and know these guys.

The Freedom Programme is good but I think it's better if someone can possibly go in person/with a group on Zoom rather than just read/do a bit online by themselves. It just gets into the brain deeper then and is more memorable. That was my experience, anyway, I mostly did it with a group and it was great.

Glad you've come back @PinkPanther98 and given lots of answers, reflections and context, however, you haven't said what you are going to do

Are you going to dump him?

I agree.

I think the lady douth protest too much.

Bit harsh !

It can take a while to take that step of dumping someone.

I don't think OP is much of a fan of his behaviour.

Absolutely this. There are no magic words that will fix everything if you only muse on it for long enough. Nothing you can do or say will make the scales fall from his eyes, because he’s quite happy with things the way they are. Why wouldn’t he be? He’s getting what he wants, when he wants it, in YOUR house.

This man doesn’t respect you, doesn’t respect women. You can’t fix that. He treated you like a blow-up doll in the bedroom. He moved himself into your house (!) for half the week without even consulting you. He walked away from his wife when their twins were little more than weeks old. Calling her “controlling” is a tactic to make sure YOU never try to control him…he’s counting on you not wanting to make what you perceive as the same mistakes as her (hint: I’d bet my house that she wasn’t controlling. That’s classic DARVO, blaming her for his own failings).

You don’t owe him understanding, re-education, better communication. You don’t even owe him an explanation. And as someone else said upthread, you don’t need his permission or agreement for you to end it. You can simply say “on reflection this isn’t working for me, so I’m calling it a day. Good luck in the future” and move on.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain

Apparently - if you're older or have erection/sex difficulties as a man, second time round does last longer. But he's only 35 ffs!

If a man can manage to get it up,
keep it up and finish twice in a session, but it just takes him longer the second time, that's not what I class as having erection/sex difficulties!