Boyfriend has left me while I'm helping family in hospital

[LavenderFlowers]

I have read Mumsnet for a long time but posting for the first time. Hopefully my post makes sense. I don't want to tell family or friends yet as it's not the time.

Last week my Dad was taken into hospital, he's had early dementia for two years. Hospital says he has an infection that has spread, crucially to his heart. We have since been called to say goodbye in the middle of the night but two days later he is still hanging on. He's sedated for now to give his body a break. We've been taking turns as a family sitting with him. It's tiring but we're looking after each other.

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distraction but he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me. We're in our early 30s, we're not kids.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space. I've stopped replying to him and he's sending messages.

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him. His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

Yes. He's circling while you're weak and haven't got the headspace to find your anger.

As for the posters berating her for 'softening' because of the food package, have a word with yourself. It's human nature and societal expectations of women at play. OP has done the right thing coming back here for more support, and we should give it to her.

PP made a good suggestion to ask him for total space until your dad is out of ICU. Maybe throw in how selfish he's being demanding your attention and distracting you from the actual important shit going on in your life

I'd be interested to see if he respects it. I'd also suggest that if he does leave you alone, and your dad does come out of ICU, don't immediately jump to getting in touch. He won't know either way, and you can take your time and get your head together.

I’ve re-read your posts bc I am going through insomnia and have very little to do and they just make me so mad reading what this cretin has put you through and how he’s behaved. Rather not behaved.

First of all he’s not your BF right now is he (which I think I and others may have referred to him as previously) as he said he’d told his friends he wanted to LEAVE YOU. He also said in a later message he wanted to support you strictly AS FRIEND. So by his own words he’s already your exBF. Yet he won’t leave you alone despite you asking him to. And is contacting your friends even tho he wants space to put pressure on you bc you were ignoring him - and giving him space. Much more seriously he contacted your mum WHO IS FACING THE PROSPECT OF LOSING HER HUSBAND and is attempting to worm his way into getting her support and again pressuring you to do what he wants you to do. He has no respect for you or your family.

You said you think this happened bc he works away a lot and is going to Prague, and he categorically told you when your dad had already been admitted to hospital that he would still be going. You said you thought this was why he thought he should no longer be your BF. This reminds me of school when boys would dump their gf’s just before Christmas/ Valentine’s Day/ their birthday to avoid having to buy them a present. This is your exBF- he was relegating himself to a ‘friend’ status to avoid having to have ANY responsibility- DESPITE YOU SUPPORTING HIM WITH ALL HIS EMOTIONAL SHIT FOR TWO YEARS!!!
(and his whole family while his own dad was seriously ill!) Yeesh!

He told his friends that after A WEEK he was done and couldn’t support you or deal with this situation any longer - this was when he thought your dad could/would die.

Then he says he will explain all when it calms down/blows over - translate to when the situation isn’t so serious bc your dad has recovered / died. Basically the height of your emotional distress when you would need him the most. He wouldn’t even spend the night with you at the most critical time when you pleaded with him to bc of his own emotional needs. What the actual fuck?!

And he hasn’t even had the decency to write the sodding email!

And tbh how could he even begin to attempt to justify what he has done, so don’t expect to ever get it.

He is truly a Prince among men and will make an excellent life partner and father. Just be prepared for him to go awol periodically. It will seem an odd coincidence but it will probably coincide with some major life event. A distressing or sad one. But don’t worry, he will be sure to send you a gift basket and lovely bunch of flowers to soften the blow and show you he really does care about you as a friend.

Every time.

Which societal expectations are you talking about?

Softening over a pathetic gesture designed to manipulate OP into giving him another chance or having a word with other ppl to explain he isn’t the piece of shit he is, which is probably what he is the most concerned about, is something to be avoided surely? It may be human nature to be happy that the man you’ve been sharing a bed with for 2 years and supporting emotionally is showing a modicum of kindness after letting you and your family down so catastrophically, but is it healthy?

People are trying to warn OP of what could happen further down the road which could be just as bad if not worse, especially the more involved she becomes with him and when kids could be involved. It’s not 100% certain obviously, but it’s very likely. He needs intense therapy to see that the world does not revolve around him and OP is just as important in every aspect. This thinly veiled attempt to win her back for his own ends is demeaning. He doesn’t even respect her requests to leave her the fuck alone - he’s contacting her friends and mother for gods sake!

Is it kinder to OP to agree that ‘aw he isn’t quite so bad is he, look at that ‘lovely’ message he sent your mum…. and and that food he sent you, oh and the flowers!!! Bless him, he must be feeling so bad right now. At least he’s showing you that it was all a terrible mistake - it’s not like he told his friends he wanted to leave you or he just wanted to be friends, or that his mind space was more important than spending the night with you while you waited to hear if your dad had made it. Bless him he’s decided he wants to be your BF again now’.

🤮

Morning,

hooe your dad is recovering and out of ICU soon.

i know how hard it is to stay firm in your decisions and feelings. My advice at this point would to simply do nothing. Do be angry and draw the line but equally don’t see him or resume contact, just simple keep moving forward. This will make it easier to not cave out of a knee jerk reaction. Any decisions u make give urself lots of time to process. Just don’t feel the need to rush or have reasons. Keep reading back the first post for a realistic glimpse into what actually happened, in case u start re writing it to fit this new narrative of his and yours:

tour not weak tho mate for having these feelings now and wanting t cave a little just keep moving forward xx

I haven't said anything of the sort, so maybe work on your reading comprehension before jumping to conclusions in future.

I'm talking about the posters berating OP for admitting that the food package has got under her skin. 'Oh I have a feeling you're going to go back to him' 'You two deserve each other' etc etc. It's unnecessary and it's a good thing that OP has recognised the manipulation from this dickhead and come back to the thread.

It's human nature, especially as she's still in shock at his behaviour and hasn't found her anger yet, to think 'maybe he's not so bad, maybe he just made a mistake'. I didn't say thinking that was the right way to go, but it's a natural emotional response. Women are also told to #bekind - and that means disregarding the hurt someone has done to you in the past 'because he did this one nice thing afterwards so that makes it ok'.

I shouldn't have to be so explicitly clear but you're obviously having trouble: she should recognise her instinctual feelings for what they are, and where they come from, and then put her practical head back on and make sensible decisions based on his track record of selfish behaviour at the worst possible time in her life. He won't change. And a PP made the point that by letting him back in, she's giving him the green light to be shitty whenever he likes, as long as he sends flowers and food afterwards...

OP, always remember that even if you two managed to work it out, that thought will always linger in the back of your mind that you now know for sure that he's selfish in a crisis. So as long as you have nothing going on in your life and don't need anything from him, everything will be fine. But God forbid you ever need support or something really bad happens - you will be on your own, and you both know it. And having had a second chance, he can then shrug and say, 'Well, you knew what I was like last time, you were warned'.

He is not to be trusted at all. Anyone can order a couple of bits online if they have the means. This is still all about him. What he wants and on his terms. If you were to take him back, you have set a precedent for not supporting you when you need him. Be very careful. I know it’s difficult to think longer term right now. But this is not a man to build a life with and if you want a family, you’re wasting your fertile years on a dud. I have been left with life changing issues from having a child and there is no way on earth I’d start a family with him.

He's got someone else, clearly.

I thought from the start of your post that this was a new relationship, but to treat you like this after two years together? He has shown you that in your worst moments, he will not support you. This is not a partner. He sounds more like an emotional parasite. As if you would create more drama for someone who was going through all this?

Find yourself worth worrying about.

His last comment was he was going to fight for your relationship. It shouldnt be a fight. You needed someone with a very basic standard of decency and he didnt even manage that. He chose to make the hardest period for your harder because he didnt want to put himself out.

and now while life is still hard for you he is trampling all over your boundaries because he wants to. It works for him.

notes, phone calls, empty promises are all absolutely meaningless from him because you've seen his actions. You know it is him first even at your worst of times.

youre deciding, while still very vulnerable - and he knows this, whether to believe his words or his action. Wait until you are stronger and you will of course look at his action, which was to leave you when your dad was on death‘s door.

So you are happy to be with a man who runs the first thing when something happens??

There are some 'mistakes' that you just can't come back from.

The temptation is to go back to normal, when everything felt safe and reliable, but it's impossible now. Deep down you know he isn't who you thought he was and going back would just be an illusion of a safe and loving relationship. He doesn't have your back and he couldn't have made that any clearer. So taking him back would just be buying into a lie and papering over the cracks. It's ruined now.

I think that if you soften now, you are delaying the inevitable because you know now that you can't depend on him. You'll find yourself hiding your own needs in case he leaves again. Emotionally you will be alone even though he's there.

And all the time you waste with him, stops you from finding someone truly wonderful.

Think about what your mum and dad would want for you - I'd het good money that it isn't this tosser.

If I was in hospital, after being called in to say goodbye to my much loved husband, and I was getting a manipulating message from my daughter's wanker ex I think I would flip. It would actually break me in that moment. Think carefully about where you go from here OP, would you actually expect your family to welcome him back knowing what he's capable of doing. You can love and forgive him, they don't have to they can draw their own boundaries and are you prepared to deal with that longterm?

Stop being impressed by the superficial (flowers, food parcels, fine words) and focus on the substantial. A partner is someone who is there for you in your darkest times.

Why would you want to go back to a man who responds to anything that means you need support by being a cunt to you, then harassing you with a load of self-indulgent bullshit, before book-ending it with a fuck ton of love-bombing?

Seriously?

He’s a piece of shit whose only concern is how he appears to others.

Hi OP,
I wonder if you are thinking about your ex-BF so much because it is better than thinking about your poor dad. Just see if it is a distraction from the sad thoughts you must be having about your Dad, i can understand why you would rather focus on anything else but a sad situation where you have no control. Try not to make any decisions while you are in such a whirlwind, grief is a terrible thing and you are going through lots of tough days and you probably keep getting told to expect the worst etc etc.

I do think he is a self-centred, useless, malignant lump of dead weight based on all your posts so far, dragging you down when you should have been supported and lifted up. I can’t get over him saying he’s ’not equipped to help’. Literally the most ridiculous thing I have heard a person say in absolutely ages, unbelievable that a person could say something so thoughtless and self obsessed.
You probably haven’t got headspace to deal with it, but honestly I would cut him right off, I would gnaw my arm off before I had him in my life again.

In my life I have had people in difficult times act so selflessly and kindly and generously and I will never forget how wonderful they were until the day I die. That’s what your partner should do, and what you did!

This is an unacceptable way to speak to anyone, especially someone in the OP's situation. What is wrong with you?

Sounds brutal but I saw that as BF establishing OP's price, i.e what does he have to do to win his way back? and starting low and above all easy. It doesn't take much effort and if she softens and takes him back then he knows that however bad the situation - and OP's was just about as bad as it can be - he can buy his way back in nice and cheaply with the click of the mouse and a flourish of the credit card.

If OP tells him it's going to take more than that, then he knows he's got a bit of a fight on his hands. Right now he's taking the 'what's the least I can do to retrieve this and get back?' line.

Very well said.

I've sort of made this point so sorry for repeating it but I think your update makes it more relevant.

if he had ended things as cleanly and as kindly as possible, left you alone or honoured any support plans as a friend, then realised he had made a mistake that would be one thing.

Not saying forgiveable necessarily. The timing was awful either way. It would be hard to trust again given that anyone with any compassion would have to be pretty damn sure before leaving a partner whose parent was acutely ill in hospital. But he would have acted with integrity and clarity.

He has not. He has chosen one of the hardest times of your life to spin a psychodrama centred around him, bringing in your friends and family when you tried to create space. He has refused to leave you alone. Sending crap through the post and bombarding you with correspondence is not fighting for a relationship in any positive way.

He is now pushing hard with superficial gestures such as flowers to influence your feelings when he should be giving you space to concentrate on your dad and yourself. It really isn't appropriate. His behaviour has gone way too far and too manipulative. I would hold firm and ask him not to contact you again.

Have you been in touch with your friends more?

I agree with the first paragraph but I think op should be very careful not give him the green light of encouragement to fight for her. Once she’s emotionally in a better state, then she can consider a decision but hopefully by then he’ll definitely be an ex. As for now, he is trashing every boundary and making their pain and grief about his drama.

You ex has done an excellent job of centering himself in your crisis

Instead of being your support system he is expecting you to be his support system as he works through the very difficult task of being a decent human being when you aren't the centre of attention

You aren't an equal part of his life, he is the main character in his story and you were the audience who is ready and waiting for him whenever he decides to turn up. But you, the audience, malfunctioned and made the camera turn on you instead of him and he has done everything possible to turn it back to him since

At some point in your life you may end up ill and/or in hospital. Now imagine how fucked up it will be when you have to support him through coping with your sickness

I take everyone's points on board. The harsh one were hard to read but I half expected them.

My Mum ended up taking a 'funny turn' this morning (probably stress and she's being treated for dehydration) so my focus has turned to her now.

The more time passes I realise I have no idea how I feel about ex. PP's are right to say I probably am vulnerable at the moment which I'm not used to, I tend to be very independent in relationships. My feelings are up and down like waves so I don't think I can trust them either way.

I agree with the first paragraph but I think op should be very careful not give him the green light of encouragement to fight for her. Once she’s emotionally in a better state, then she can consider a decision but hopefully by then he’ll definitely be an ex. As for now, he is trashing every boundary and making their pain and grief about his drama

100% agree. He's pressuring her when he knows she's vulnerable and in a bad place. And now has her DM to worry over as well. Dealing with BF needs to come off the list and someone needs to tell him to back off.

So sorry about your parents, OP.

Oh bless her, your poor mum. Sending you strength.

As for your ex, I think in time, it is likely you will come to understand what an arsehole he is being and find your anger at targeting you and your mum at your most vulnerable. But that isn’t for now.

block this waste of space and focus on your dad. In 20 years time when you look back at this ti9me; you will absolutely kick yourself that you wasted any oxygen on this man when you should have been 100% devoted to your family and father at this time. He has done you a favour by showing you WHO he is, at this time when your partner should be supporting you he is throwing tantrums. Get rid.. Take heed and listen to what you've been told.