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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend has left me while I'm helping family in hospital

349 replies

LavenderFlowers · 16/02/2024 12:55

I have read Mumsnet for a long time but posting for the first time. Hopefully my post makes sense. I don't want to tell family or friends yet as it's not the time.

Last week my Dad was taken into hospital, he's had early dementia for two years. Hospital says he has an infection that has spread, crucially to his heart. We have since been called to say goodbye in the middle of the night but two days later he is still hanging on. He's sedated for now to give his body a break. We've been taking turns as a family sitting with him. It's tiring but we're looking after each other.

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distraction but he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me. We're in our early 30s, we're not kids.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space. I've stopped replying to him and he's sending messages.

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him. His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

OP posts:
MiltonNorthern · 23/02/2024 07:08

He's ruined it now. Even if he does talk himself back into your life you will always know that this is who he is. He's a man who will drain your emotional labour to work out his malfunctions and drink up your support but as soon as you need him he feels sorry for himself and fucks off. That's the person he is. It's too late to dial back now - you'll never forgive him for this.

strawberry2017 · 23/02/2024 07:12

He wants to be there now that things are getting better.
He's a waste of space. He has shown he can never be what you need.
You need a man who stands by you no matter what's going on, not a man who makes everything all about him. I cannot believe he messaged your mum. That was low.

Whentherainisfallinginyourface · 23/02/2024 07:24

LavenderFlowers · 16/02/2024 21:10

Amazingly we've been sent home to rest for the night as my Dad is stable. He's still in critical care but we at least have a moment to breathe after the past few days.

Ex boyfriends blocked emails just seem to move to my spam folder and I occasionally need to check that (as it's also my work email). I should have deleted them without reading but of course I didn't. He said he's going to explain things better when everything calms down.

The shock of the past few days has me emotionally warn out I think. I can't bring myself to hate him (yet).

I think I’d send a message,

”no need to explain. You’ve failed the decent human test. Please move out all of your things before you leave for Prague and don’t contact me again”

Op I am really sorry about your dad. I hope he rallies 💐

Op hold your head up high. And harden your heart. Your bf could only sustain being decent for a day or two but can’t put himself out for you beyond that. And you will always think of him as someone who let you down at one of the most important times of your life.

I don’t know if you were planning to marry this feeble individual but if you had thought about having dc with him; be in no doubt that you need your life partner and fellow parent to be someone who is rock solid, who can stand by you through thick and thin, who has your back through two decades of child rearing. You deserve better.

Original poster
LavenderFlowers · 23/02/2024 12:34

I get your point @WandaWonder. I am doing this to myself. I'm not doing it for attention (I think) but I'm searching to understand. It's raw right now, in time it won't be.

He told me on the phone he would cancel his work, come stay with me, look after me and he's going to fight for us. I had to harden myself a lot to not soften for him and take that offer.

OP posts:
HalebiHabibti · 23/02/2024 12:52

He didn't want to fight before though, did he. I am willing to bet that if you told him things were looking worrying again (or actually lean on him) it would be a different story.

Don't be fooled!

LadyBird1973 · 23/02/2024 13:29

You aren't his personal therapist, who exists only to fix his shit and prop him up!
I feel rage for you, that the one time you needed him, he has totally bailed. And even now, it's all about him and how he feels.

Honestly I'd give him both barrels - tell him what a completely selfish, self absorbed, useless twat he's been and that it's too late for him to 'be there for you' - you no longer need his support.

Then block the fucker on everything.

weefella · 23/02/2024 14:58

He told me on the phone he would cancel his work, come stay with me, look after me and he's going to fight for us.

No, he just knows that you're someone who would reply with a "Don't be silly. You can't possibly cancel work! Go with my blessing and you can come back here afterwards."

LadyBird1973 · 23/02/2024 16:20

Fight for what exactly? The whole point of a partnership is to support each other in good times and bad, to have a person who you can lean on and depend upon in times of need. You've done all that for him and now he's very clearly demonstrated that he will bail as soon as you need any support from him!

Now the little weasel wants to crawl back, now that your dad seems to be over the worst.

I'm sorry but that (and the message he sent your mum) would give me more rage than even him bailing in the first place.

Grenola · 23/02/2024 16:35

If u give in now, your just validating that you will allow him to treat your like this.

it will set the bar very low for what he has to give to you and the relationship. It’s a good test for what u will put up with.

it’s a shame but it’s chose this path now and it’s too late, everything will be tainted now. Anytime life gets tough, your stomach will drop because u will think shit I can’t rock the boat, I can’t tell him, he will get upset, he might leave. And that’s no way to live xx

Catoo · 23/02/2024 17:40

LavenderFlowers · 23/02/2024 12:34

I get your point @WandaWonder. I am doing this to myself. I'm not doing it for attention (I think) but I'm searching to understand. It's raw right now, in time it won't be.

He told me on the phone he would cancel his work, come stay with me, look after me and he's going to fight for us. I had to harden myself a lot to not soften for him and take that offer.

You’ll have one dad OP.

Plenty of other potential boyfriends out there.

He tried to take your attention away from your dad when your family thought you were losing him. He can’t take that back.

NEXT

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 23/02/2024 17:43

'Fight for us.' Bloody hell, the entitlement and obtuseness of some men. Fight for what, exactly? for you to forget that he let you down with a thump that shook the crockery at the point when you really needed him? anyone would think that you'd done the dirty, not him.

Cafuddle · 23/02/2024 18:10

Your right to be angry and there is nothing wrong with that. He has let you down when you needed him most. If you let him back in, he will do this again. Every time life gets to big. He is the child in your relationship he can’t adult. He needs you to do it. I’m glad your dad is doing ok.

WhatWhereWho · 23/02/2024 18:27

From your updates it seems clear that he's extremely selfish and even more of an arsehole. It's all about him and what he wants. An apology and acknowledgement of his actions with an explanation could be expected perhaps but this sounds like he's going to try and worm his way back in -to the point he's bothering your family. If you go back to him he will probably just let you down again at some point.

If you want to get back with him do so rather than this but otherwise make sure you have all your stuff from his, tell him clearly leave me alone there's no coming back from this and ignore any contact from him. Then it's a matter of you adapting and accepting it's over which will take time. It really is up to you.

Original poster
LavenderFlowers · 25/02/2024 22:55

My Dad has had the surgery and is still in ICU after a number of days; seems he is struggling somewhat but we have to have hope.

I can feel myself softening towards my ex. Flowers were at my door yesterday morning with a food package. A note and a promise he realises he fucked up and will do anything he now can to help. (It was delivered to be clear - he's not stalking) Since this I have found it very hard to not think 'oh maybe it was just a shitty mistake?'. I do know that my family would find it very hard to forgive, making a future incredibly difficult.

OP posts:
Catoo · 25/02/2024 23:15

Your family are correct

Sceptical123 · 25/02/2024 23:40

LavenderFlowers · 25/02/2024 22:55

My Dad has had the surgery and is still in ICU after a number of days; seems he is struggling somewhat but we have to have hope.

I can feel myself softening towards my ex. Flowers were at my door yesterday morning with a food package. A note and a promise he realises he fucked up and will do anything he now can to help. (It was delivered to be clear - he's not stalking) Since this I have found it very hard to not think 'oh maybe it was just a shitty mistake?'. I do know that my family would find it very hard to forgive, making a future incredibly difficult.

What do you want from this thread?

You found it very hard to get angry with him and needed help. Now you’re finding you’re softening bc he’s made some gestures after realising how he looks to OTHER ppl (but didn’t give a shit what you thought of him when he told you he wouldn’t be there for you) and now your dad seems to be out the woods he’s not going to have to do the onerous comforting and supporting of you that he relished you doing for him. That certainly worked out for him.

Wobble your head.

If you fall for it more fool you. I’m sorry your dad is in a serious condition but you need to wise up. Ppl here have told you what your future is likely to look like with this pathetic narcissist and you’re ‘softening’. For gods sake please don’t start another thread when he reverts to type and ask posters to help you get angry with him again.

Use your friends and family for support - you don’t need him.

Agapornis · 26/02/2024 00:52

A boyfriend of under two years should be fun. He is not fun. Get angry!

DPotter · 26/02/2024 02:17

A bunch of flowers and a food parcel delivered to your door is sooo easy to arrange and is long long over due in any case.

Don't fall for this.

You've seen up close and personal how he reacts in an emergency.

And it's not good.

Ask him not to contact you again. And tell your friends you don't want to hear about him either.

Sceptical123 · 26/02/2024 03:44

This was from your first post, I think you need reminding -

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distractionbut he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space.

Read this and re-read this then go back and read the rest of the posts you made detailing his two-faced self-serving ways.

I’ve got a feeling you’re going to cave.

I couldn’t advise you strong enough against that, but if you are seriously considering giving him another chance bc of the stress of losing your BF on top of what you are dealing with regarding your dad then you should take it incredibly slowly and make it abundantly clear he has got to earn and regain your trust, which takes a very long time to do once it has been pissed on the way he has.

He has got to prove to you he really is there for you, physically and emotionally, more than clicking on a couple of items online and hitting send.

Sceptical123 · 26/02/2024 03:52

Also from your first post -

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him.

His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

DreamTheMoors · 26/02/2024 04:04

My grandparents raised me.
My grandfather got ill and died, all in 36 hours.
It was the first close death of my life and I was shocked and stunned and so sad.
I was 21.
I called my boyfriend with the news, and he said, “I’m not here for this shit,” and hung up the phone.
Yes, Virginia, there are thoughtless assholes in the world.

WandaWonder · 26/02/2024 04:06

LavenderFlowers · 25/02/2024 22:55

My Dad has had the surgery and is still in ICU after a number of days; seems he is struggling somewhat but we have to have hope.

I can feel myself softening towards my ex. Flowers were at my door yesterday morning with a food package. A note and a promise he realises he fucked up and will do anything he now can to help. (It was delivered to be clear - he's not stalking) Since this I have found it very hard to not think 'oh maybe it was just a shitty mistake?'. I do know that my family would find it very hard to forgive, making a future incredibly difficult.

It really does sound like you deserve each other, and I am sure we will be seeing you on here again soon

Sceptical123 · 26/02/2024 04:18

Grenola · 23/02/2024 16:35

If u give in now, your just validating that you will allow him to treat your like this.

it will set the bar very low for what he has to give to you and the relationship. It’s a good test for what u will put up with.

it’s a shame but it’s chose this path now and it’s too late, everything will be tainted now. Anytime life gets tough, your stomach will drop because u will think shit I can’t rock the boat, I can’t tell him, he will get upset, he might leave. And that’s no way to live xx

This

MiltonNorthern · 26/02/2024 04:20

WandaWonder · 26/02/2024 04:06

It really does sound like you deserve each other, and I am sure we will be seeing you on here again soon

Show quote history

What a fucking horrible thing to say

MiltonNorthern · 26/02/2024 04:22

LavenderFlowers · 25/02/2024 22:55

My Dad has had the surgery and is still in ICU after a number of days; seems he is struggling somewhat but we have to have hope.

I can feel myself softening towards my ex. Flowers were at my door yesterday morning with a food package. A note and a promise he realises he fucked up and will do anything he now can to help. (It was delivered to be clear - he's not stalking) Since this I have found it very hard to not think 'oh maybe it was just a shitty mistake?'. I do know that my family would find it very hard to forgive, making a future incredibly difficult.

Please consider telling him to leave you alone until your father is out of ICU and recovering. You're really vulnerable at the moment and he's taking advantage of that.