Boyfriend has left me while I'm helping family in hospital

[LavenderFlowers]

I have read Mumsnet for a long time but posting for the first time. Hopefully my post makes sense. I don't want to tell family or friends yet as it's not the time.

Last week my Dad was taken into hospital, he's had early dementia for two years. Hospital says he has an infection that has spread, crucially to his heart. We have since been called to say goodbye in the middle of the night but two days later he is still hanging on. He's sedated for now to give his body a break. We've been taking turns as a family sitting with him. It's tiring but we're looking after each other.

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distraction but he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me. We're in our early 30s, we're not kids.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space. I've stopped replying to him and he's sending messages.

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him. His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

Can you set some kind of 'out of office' type message (am not techy - can you tell ) that bounces his emails right back, so you aren't tempted to look at them in your junk folder?
Honestly lovely, it's doing you no good.

Delete all his emails and block his email address. The fact that he keeps emailing you when you have said that you do not want contact should tell you all you need to know.

You have said for him not to contact you right? You are not helping yourself if not or by reading them.

Wow, this is very close to blaming you for the whole shameful episode. Don’t be sucked back in, OP.

this is so simple….. he is just not a good person. It doesn’t need analysing and u don’t need to convince yourself. U can’t possibly have feelings still for someone so vile. Everyone has their weak spots and we mis communicate or mess up. But he’s just simply shown u who he is and that just ain’t good enough for a relationship.

its been long enough now, get rid of that final contact, gather his stuff up send one final message that his stuff will be ready for collection from outside at set time/date and then after that don’t look back xx

Thank you all. My Dad has since passed away.

Ex is away with work so even if we had still been together, he wouldn't be here/be able to attend funeral.

Not that he is the important bit now but it's still a really hurtful niggle.

Lavender, I'm so so sorry to hear about your dad's passing. Take care of yourself and your mum. Sending love.

I'm so sorry Lavender, sending condolences to you and your family.

Oh I am so so sorry. Can only imagine how sad and tired and weary u feel right now.

sending u love and strength xxx

I am so sorry! ❤️‍🩹

I’m really sorry to hear that Lavender. Take the time you need to process all of this. Ignore anything from your ex and put yourself and you family first 💐

Aw I'm so sorry.

You're very vulnerable right now, so it will be easy for him to slither in as a shoulder to cry on. Please don't let him. You deserve so much better than that.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending love and strength x

I’m so sorry for your loss. Wishing you all the best at this most sad and difficult time. You deserve to be surrounded by love and I hope you are x

So sorry. I'm glad you got to spend that time with your dad the last few weeks.

Thank you. Mumsnet has been a great help to me, I needed an escape from the real world and it's been a fantastic resource for me.

We arranged (via friends) for him to collect his stuff this evening. He asked how I was and then launched into how upset he has been, how he's been worried about me every second, how it was like a 'psychosis' that made him leave me and he wants to throw himself in the river (to be clear I'm not actually worried about this or I would get him help). Anytime he would ask how I had been, he would burst into tears with his feelings before I could even speak.

He just kept referring to how badly it had made him feel. It made me realise the selfishness of him and I was really proud of how strong I was. He asked if he could call me during the week, I said no. (A teeny tiny part of me feels sorry for him so I am writing this all down here because I am trying to ignore that care for him)

He's a pathetic loser. I take it his dad is still alive?

so let me get this straight you are newly bereaved, hurting with a loss of your father and your ex is sobbing about HIS pain? you really can't get much more self centered than this, this is not a good trait and will only get more pronounced as he ages.

I'm sorry for your loss OP💐
I think your ex sounds unstable, a source of stress & drama.

So sorry to hear about your Dad.

Best to keep away from your ex I think

I have just rtft and I'm so sorry for your loss. You have been through so much this past month and I really hope you can get some rest and some breathing space now.

The more I think about it the more out of sorts I feel that he talked about throwing himself in the river. It's never appropriate to say that (unless you are actually unwell and need help) but it's really not to someone who has just lost a loved one.

He's ridiculous, isn't he. Zero insight into how inappropriate it is for him to tell someone how them losing their father is making him feel. His level of self-centredness is unreal.

He really reminds me of an ex of mine. Three months after my mother died I found out he was cheating on me because he said my grief was getting him down and he couldn't cope with it. But it was me he loved me and we can get through this. She was just something to make him feel better.

I remember just staring at him thinking OMG he actually believes what he is saying is reasonable. Looking back, I see a lot of signs of that selfishness. I'm sure you will too when the fog clears.

When my father died, one of the first on the phone was my ex offering to do any running about.(registrar, flowers, funeral home etc). He had liked my Dad a lot and he knew that I would be devastated. He was a shoulder to cry on during that time.
He did a lot for us even though he was an ex. This is how a decent man behaves. If your bf can't measure up to that, he's no loss. Don't take him back.

It's not OK to say you're going to hurt yourself during an argument but even less so in this situation. He should have been able to park his own feelings