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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend has left me while I'm helping family in hospital

349 replies

LavenderFlowers · 16/02/2024 12:55

I have read Mumsnet for a long time but posting for the first time. Hopefully my post makes sense. I don't want to tell family or friends yet as it's not the time.

Last week my Dad was taken into hospital, he's had early dementia for two years. Hospital says he has an infection that has spread, crucially to his heart. We have since been called to say goodbye in the middle of the night but two days later he is still hanging on. He's sedated for now to give his body a break. We've been taking turns as a family sitting with him. It's tiring but we're looking after each other.

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distraction but he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me. We're in our early 30s, we're not kids.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space. I've stopped replying to him and he's sending messages.

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him. His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
LavenderFlowers · 26/02/2024 22:13

My Mum has the flu, thankfully not too bad. Likely picked up in the hospital and made worse by lack of sleep etc.

Thanks for the messages. I am just going to say to him that I can't speak with him now. One minute I want to scream at him, the next I want him to come hug me and feel what we once had again. It's not rational thoughts and it's made worse when my stress levels peak.

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 26/02/2024 23:18

Catlord · 26/02/2024 12:33

Very well said.

I've sort of made this point so sorry for repeating it but I think your update makes it more relevant.

if he had ended things as cleanly and as kindly as possible, left you alone or honoured any support plans as a friend, then realised he had made a mistake that would be one thing.

Not saying forgiveable necessarily. The timing was awful either way. It would be hard to trust again given that anyone with any compassion would have to be pretty damn sure before leaving a partner whose parent was acutely ill in hospital. But he would have acted with integrity and clarity.

He has not. He has chosen one of the hardest times of your life to spin a psychodrama centred around him, bringing in your friends and family when you tried to create space. He has refused to leave you alone. Sending crap through the post and bombarding you with correspondence is not fighting for a relationship in any positive way.

He is now pushing hard with superficial gestures such as flowers to influence your feelings when he should be giving you space to concentrate on your dad and yourself. It really isn't appropriate. His behaviour has gone way too far and too manipulative. I would hold firm and ask him not to contact you again.

Have you been in touch with your friends more?

Show quote history

Exactly. She has asked him to not contact her and to give her space and he’s done the opposite, bringing her poor mother in too for goodness sake! He had to do ONE thing to show he cared after his previous behaviour and he couldn’t even bring himself to do that. How are you falling for this OP - he is not doing what you want bc he wants to do what HE wants. He always will.

Original poster
LavenderFlowers · 07/03/2024 14:21

Everyone was so kind here and really help to distract me when things were tough. My Dad has many health issues, he won't be leaving hospital but it's a long, slow road.

My ex has since said he couldn't handle me while so upset and he got so stressed as I wasn't able to look after myself. It was a time of lack of sleep/healthy eating but that's normal for that time. He has made me feel self conscious and as though I overreacted. Such a shit.

OP posts:
Suchagroovyguy · 07/03/2024 14:23

LavenderFlowers · 07/03/2024 14:21

Everyone was so kind here and really help to distract me when things were tough. My Dad has many health issues, he won't be leaving hospital but it's a long, slow road.

My ex has since said he couldn't handle me while so upset and he got so stressed as I wasn't able to look after myself. It was a time of lack of sleep/healthy eating but that's normal for that time. He has made me feel self conscious and as though I overreacted. Such a shit.

I’d tell him to fuck off and grow up.

Original poster
LavenderFlowers · 07/03/2024 14:25

At the time I felt he was lecturing me 'well you need to sleep' and 'it's not ok to need eat' but I was in survival mode. It was a brief period and I needed warmth/care, not lectures and then frustration/annoyance

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 07/03/2024 14:27

"He has made me feel self conscious and as though I overreacted. Such a shit."

Have your own words engraved on your mind. Stick it on the mirror, by the phone, as your screensaver ...

THIS IS WHO HE IS. Not who you thought / hoped / wished he was.

For god's sake don't get pregnant.

He will flake like dandruff.

emmsee · 07/03/2024 14:47

I haven't read every message in this thread so forgive me if I'm repeating what others have said. It seems to me you have always been the strong one in your relationship, you've helped him through difficult times and generally are much more sorted and emotionally stable than him. When it was fairly clear he would have to step up and support you he flaked out completely. It was immature and wrong. I suppose you need to know if that would always be the pattern in your relationship. People can grow and change but generally they don't. There's a difference between making a mistake, apologising and moving on in a relationship and trying to overcome an ongoing pattern of behaviour. I think you need to work out what this was, a terrible mistake which he will learn from or part of the pattern of your relationship in which he's unlikely to change.

Grenola · 07/03/2024 15:15

I’m sorry things are so hard with your dad.

your ex is just a drain on you. He is selfish and weak and has no perspective at all.

please don’t get back with him. Keep moving forward without him xx

Coatsoff42 · 07/03/2024 15:42

I’m sorry you are having a tough time @LavenderFlowers , I was thinking about you yesterday and hoping you were ok.

what a rotten boyfriend, should have been stood next to you through thick and thin not creating a melodrama for himself to star in.

sending you best wishes for you and your family.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2024 15:46

I am so sorry. He is indeed not worthy of you and this is why he’s an ex. Sending big hugs. I know this is a difficult time for you. Flowers

HanaJane · 07/03/2024 15:51

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. I think it's going to be one of those situations where in a couple of years you will look back and be so thankful that you're free of this useless man

Northernsouloldies · 07/03/2024 20:02

When a partner,wife ,or husband is going through a crisis in life you support them and don't cry off because you can't handle how they were....you couldn't depend on this guy if you had a shared crisis.

Sceptical123 · 07/03/2024 21:04

Is he still making contact with you? Does he want to get back together or for you to just forgive him so he can move on with his own life? Some ppl, men in particular need to be reassured they’re not complete shits, they don’t want to reconnect, just he reassured that you don’t hate them before moving on. Frankly he doesn’t deserve the closure so just blank him.

Have you told him there’s no way back and blocked him? Have you met up with him since your last post?

What do you now want advice or reassurance about from this thread, OP?

Original poster
LavenderFlowers · 07/03/2024 23:27

I haven't met him. He is blocked on everything but his emails go to spam and I still have a nosey at those. Little things bother me like how he didn't call me when he found out the news and how he went for after work drinks after hearing the news. I think I'm telling myself the things he did wrong (and sharing them with others) to hold myself accountable to not go back.

Good question about what I'm looking for from this thread now. I don't know but it gave me great comfort at a shitty time when I couldn't see the wood from the trees.

OP posts:
Catoo · 07/03/2024 23:44

Not calling you when he found out the news. Then going for drinks.

Right from the start he decided he wasn’t going to be there for you. It was nothing you did or said OP. He just didn’t want the hassle.

In the bin with him.
💐

Original poster
LavenderFlowers · 08/03/2024 00:55

Yeah, he has since explained that hospitals are triggering for him and that I need to understand that people find these things triggering

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 08/03/2024 01:06

Sorry to see this. You need to keep focusing on your family and once you are through this, deal with the emotions of the end of the relationship. He may have wanted to leave for a while and realised he can’t help you through this difficult stuff feeling as he does. Despite the horrible, horrible timing, it is better that you know now and not after more time and kids etc.

Sceptical123 · 08/03/2024 05:00

LavenderFlowers · 08/03/2024 00:55

Yeah, he has since explained that hospitals are triggering for him and that I need to understand that people find these things triggering

I think that’s the epitome of selfishness and tells you instantly he was always going to put himself above you with regard to importance, even when you were the most vulnerable one at any point.

Nobody likes being in hospitals, unless you work in them I guess. You may have had a horrible experience/s in them, but when someone close to you is going through a horrible experience themselves you do what’s best for them, not you.

The fact he didn’t check on you straight away was bad, that he went out drinking was worse. This could have been a delay tactic or as a distraction for himself, to put off dealing with something ‘triggering’, but that in itself is hugely selfish as he was consciously putting his needs above yours. You can have had bad stuff happen to you but it doesn’t remove your ability to show others that you care about them and you acknowledge the shitty situation that they’re in.

Like I said in my previous message, I believe he is just seeking for you to tell
him he actually did nothing wrong, it was understandable in the circumstances, that he’s not a shit human being, you don’t blame him and you actually forgive him now. Then he can draw a line under it and his perception of himself as a decent, caring, sensitive person is intact. Just don’t. You’re doing the right thing by not responding as that would be giving him exactly what he wants. He doesn’t deserve any more of your kindness. Or time. He is a shit human being, he needs to accept that and change.

TwylaSands · 08/03/2024 06:32

LavenderFlowers · 08/03/2024 00:55

Yeah, he has since explained that hospitals are triggering for him and that I need to understand that people find these things triggering

What a wanker? You need to understand that he would other go out drinking than to a hospital?! Who wouldnt!!! Selfish arsehole.

Olika · 08/03/2024 07:15

Please don't go back as you cannot count on a man like him. He is going to run every time life is challenging, and you cannot have children and build life together with such man.

Fannyfiggs · 08/03/2024 07:34

LavenderFlowers · 08/03/2024 00:55

Yeah, he has since explained that hospitals are triggering for him and that I need to understand that people find these things triggering

I find hospitals 'triggering' too but if someone I love needs support which involves me being in a hospital, you can be damn sure I'll be in that hospital with them whether I like it or not. It's not about me, it's about them.

He's an arsehole and you're well rid!!

Xiaoxiong · 08/03/2024 10:25

LavenderFlowers · 08/03/2024 00:55

Yeah, he has since explained that hospitals are triggering for him and that I need to understand that people find these things triggering

Well there is no future partnership with a man like this. When I think about the times when I've really needed DH or he's needed me, a significant number have involved hospitals - either for each other, for the DCs, or for a parent/grandparent. I think the fact that he didn't call you and then went out for work drinks instead tells you everything you need to know about how "triggered" he was.

I find it really low that he's blaming you and saying that you're the one who needs to be understanding, rather than him stepping up to support you and dealing with his own feelings.

I would venture this is because he wasn't "triggered" at all - he's just a selfish prick who couldn't be bothered with you when you needed support, and dropped you the moment the going got tough and the focus wasn't all about him and his wants and needs.

LadyBird1973 · 08/03/2024 10:38

'Triggered' is such an arsehole term to use about being asked to do something as basic as support you, while you deal with the traumatic thing currently happening in your family!

I think what you need from this thread is to keep it as a reminder of just how utterly selfish and uncaring he is, if you ever feel yourself softening. Read it back and remember how he completely abandoned you and how this will be your future if you ever take him back.

Catoo · 08/03/2024 10:56

LavenderFlowers · 08/03/2024 00:55

Yeah, he has since explained that hospitals are triggering for him and that I need to understand that people find these things triggering

Jesus please stop speaking to him.
Everything that involves him making any effort for anyone else is triggering.
Time to block and move on.

JFDIYOLO · 08/03/2024 11:17

'he has since explained that hospitals are triggering for him and that I need to understand that people find these things triggering'

Wriggle, whinge, squirm, whine ...

What if you were sick?
Having his baby?
Your child became sick?

You would not see him for dust because ...

'Triggerering'.

Pathetic manchild.

There's four billion of them on the planet.

That one's a dud.

Stop looking at his emails.

Tell your family he is your ex and you will not be receiving any messages via them.

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