Affair - do I tell his partner?

[Blobblobblob12]

Hi all,
NC for this as I don’t want this linked to other threads I’m on.

I had an affair (5 months but living quite far apart so not continuous). I’m married, AP is in a relationship (not living together).

I have told my dh last month and we’re working through it. There were some ‘mitigating’ circumstances and he wants to stay together, as do I. I think we’ll make it as we are both very clear in where we want to be, and there is a lot of love between us.

AP has not told his partner. As they are not living together, he has been able to keep it away from her. The affair was quite intense with very sincere feelings between us. It was both emotional and physical.

I have cut all contact, but it grates that he is not telling his partner anything and I am considering telling her. On one hand, because I would want to know in her situation.
But truthfully there is also a part in me that doesn’t want him to continue as if nothing happened, and ‘getting away with it’ . Not very nice, I know, but that thought keeps popping up.

Has anyone in this situation, contacted the partner/wife?
any advice if I should, or shouldn’t?

You’ve had a lucky escape, your husband is onboard trying to make things work. If he knew you were still obsessing over this man it’s unlikely he’ll want to continue trying.

Just leave it alone and forget about the other man.

Wtf saying he 'got away with it'.... It was with you?!

I’d be more inclined to agree she has a right to know, but I don’t agree with your motives at all, it’s purely driven by spite. Was he the one to break it off by chance?

It grates on you that you're being held accountable for your shitty actions and he is not being held accountable for his shitty actions. It should grate on you that you were low enough to do this in the first place.

Neither of you are good people. Just leave this bloke and his poor partner alone. Your motivation is purely selfish, you don't "want her to know" or you'd have told her when you were shagging her partner.

Announcing how much of a cheating prick he is, to make yourself feel better because you're getting a rough time, for being exactly that, is quite pathetic. Yet this is your concern.

Grim. Just grim.

Thanks - yes, i take on board I should not give it more thought.

No, we were both wanting to stop, and I then talked to my dh.
He was still messaging (as friends, not affair, so just chatting) and I was initially replying but I then cut contact completely a few weeks ago

Wow! You knowingly had an affair, while you were married and with a married man.
Now you want to put the boot in further and make his wife suffer.
That's just nasty. There is no justification that would ever make this a reasonable course of action.

because I would want to know in her situation.

Did he dump you?

So why would him 'getting away with it' with you, bother you so much??

I'd quit while you're ahead OP...

This. Not your decision to make

You want him to suffer a consequence for an act you both committed. Your husband is on board with reconciling. You are not suffering. You're trying to make him and his poor wife suffer.

Leave it the fuck alone.

Ok - loud and clear. Thank you

Of course you should not.

Just stay focused on not having affairs in future.

You appear to be a selfish self-centred woman, who has very little morals.

Perhaps worry about your DH feelings, rather than your feelings about the poor AP wife

If this is real - then unbelievable.

You aren’t really dealing honestly with your feelings or your husband.

It sounds like you still have strong feelings for your AP and want him to get in touch with you, so you want to give him a poke by telling his partner.

You either honestly cut all contact and focus on your marriage, or you leave and do what you will with your AP and his partner.

Yes tell her.

She will be able to get a health screen and decide about her future.
She is not married so maybe this will shape her decisions and choices going forward before she marries and has children with him.

Absolutely give her the information that could change her life.

Your only focus should be on salvaging your marriage
As another poster suggested, you still have feelings for your AP.
I honestly don’t think you deserve a second chance

Absolutely this. Yes she probably would be better off knowing but not for reasons of spite from a willing mistress,

Just worry about rebuilding your own life without vindictively destroying someone else’s

This.
100%

Jeez, people on here are so judgemental about affairs. Honestly it's like you've killed someone.
People are people and we make mistakes and do silly things, bad things even! But no one died and you're making it work with your husband, so don't let anyone here make you feel worse than I'm sure you already do.
FWIW, the best thing to do would to be to move on and forget about the OM and his life but I know that's hard to do.
Have you talked to your DH about what he thinks about telling her? Discussing how you feel with him might help?

@Blobblobblob12 dont think there can be that much love between you and your husband if you had an affair in the first place!!

I would tell her because it would correct what you've done. She deserves to know and he deserves consequences.

It is her business to tell because she was the OW.

If it's not your business , stay out of it .

You haven't answered any questions, op?

Jeez, people on here are so judgemental about affairs

So what? Yes I am judgemental about affairs and I stand by that judgement.

There’s enough unattached people out there not to ‘mistakenly’ shag an attached one.