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Original poster

Affair - do I tell his partner?

155 replies

Blobblobblob12 · 15/02/2024 16:09

Hi all,
NC for this as I don’t want this linked to other threads I’m on.

I had an affair (5 months but living quite far apart so not continuous). I’m married, AP is in a relationship (not living together).

I have told my dh last month and we’re working through it. There were some ‘mitigating’ circumstances and he wants to stay together, as do I. I think we’ll make it as we are both very clear in where we want to be, and there is a lot of love between us.

AP has not told his partner. As they are not living together, he has been able to keep it away from her. The affair was quite intense with very sincere feelings between us. It was both emotional and physical.

I have cut all contact, but it grates that he is not telling his partner anything and I am considering telling her. On one hand, because I would want to know in her situation.
But truthfully there is also a part in me that doesn’t want him to continue as if nothing happened, and ‘getting away with it’ . Not very nice, I know, but that thought keeps popping up.

Has anyone in this situation, contacted the partner/wife?
any advice if I should, or shouldn’t?

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 15/02/2024 17:09

I wouldn't tell her to get revenge on your affair partner but I would tell her so that she knows what a shit she's with.
They don't live together, so tell her before she gets in deeper than she already is.
Oh and I hate cheating. So bloody low.

manipulatrice · 15/02/2024 17:11

She deserves to know.

However, I think you want to do it for purely selfish reasons.

Well done for destroying the lives of multiple people OP.

GoldDuster · 15/02/2024 17:14

I think the time for Girl Code has passed. If you were trying to do her a favour you'd have not shagged her husband. Leave it alone and mind your own business, and let him mind his. What he's up to shouldn't even be on your radar if your working on your marriage isn't performative.

adriftinadenofvipers · 15/02/2024 17:18

How vindictive! You didn't give a shit when you were both "getting away with it".

Your husband must be a deeply tolerant man. Don't fuck with him again!

Janiie · 15/02/2024 17:21

manipulatrice · 15/02/2024 17:11

She deserves to know.

However, I think you want to do it for purely selfish reasons.

Well done for destroying the lives of multiple people OP.

Yes and I'm not seeing much regret or remorse in the op at all.

People who have affairs are utterly pathetic and all the wanting to get even just affirming lack of esteem and confidence.

That said someone should tell the poor woman so she can get rid of the arsehole.

SecondChancesAtLife · 15/02/2024 17:22

I’d tell her. She deserves to know 100%

Crackoncrackerjack · 15/02/2024 17:22

Oh fuck off op, this is all about you wanting more drama and attention.

restingrichface · 15/02/2024 17:23

If you're actually going to tell her, tell her to get an STD test from an anonymous online account. Please don't put your face or name to it. Don't let it come back to you so you're the focus. And tell your DH. Open communication, always.

Dery · 15/02/2024 17:24

Agree with @Usernamechange1234. This:

“I hope you’re still reading OP because you do need to tell her.

Your motivations don’t matter.

ATM she is not tied to this man, she doesn’t have children with him, she’s free financially.

He (and you) have stolen her right to personal agency and informed sexual consent. That needs to be returned to her so she can decide how to proceed knowing the full story.

Id also have a conversation with your husband about this as he needs to be kept up to date and nothing hidden from him.

… You need to work hard on unpicking why you gave yourself permission to do something so utterly self destructive.”

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 15/02/2024 17:27

You've got to love the absolute charade of a moral compass "it's my duty as part of the sisterhood to tell her"

Fuck off that you are any part of a sisterhood. You are a vindictive, self absorbed cheat.

Dery · 15/02/2024 17:28

PS I will say that i think the fact you’re making this about you is indicative of the kind of selfish thinking that allowed you to have an affair in the first place, during which time you clearly didn’t care about her or your DH. But nonetheless I think in the long term she will want to have known.

TwattusTwattus · 15/02/2024 17:28

All the hallmarks of somebody who's sorry for their actions and prepared to move on.

Definitely doesn't come across as someone who is bitter about being dumped. Uh huh. It was a mutual thing.

And you're giving it another to because you want to be with your husband, not because you're first choice blew you off.

altmember · 15/02/2024 17:49

PpuddingLane · 15/02/2024 16:31

I would tell her because it would correct what you've done. She deserves to know and he deserves consequences.

It is her business to tell because she was the OW.

Edited

It would what?? I don't think you can in any way correct an affair by just owning up to it!

As much as she deserves to know, finding it out from the affair partner is the worst way to hear about it. Let sleeping dogs lie. Her husband will have to live with it on his conscience if he doesn't fess up himself.

Bookworm20 · 15/02/2024 17:54

See this is what I don’t get.

all those saying don’t tell her, stay out if it, not your place. I don’t understand that.

Essentially when there is a perpetrator (him) and a victim (his partner) by saying and doing nothing you side with the perpetrator. Not the victim.
So all those saying do nothing are basically enabling him to carry on. Are essentiaisiding with him.

You’re more concerned about ops motives to say something than the fact something needs to be said.

Yes, just let another cheating bloke get away with it because god forbid his ap came to her senses, fessed up and got out of the affair situation. But wants him to suffer.
so what. He should suffer!

I for one would, yes, hate this woman but he would have been the one cheating on me. Whatever’s op’s motives, this man’s partner is the victim here. And by doing nothing when there’s a chance of giving her a real decision on her life, she’s just being victimised again.

Be outraged at op sure. But the affair happened. Don’t say leave this woman in the dark simply because you hate op so much you can’t bare the thought of op ‘getting revenge’.

Menomeno · 15/02/2024 17:58

Bookworm20 · 15/02/2024 17:54

See this is what I don’t get.

all those saying don’t tell her, stay out if it, not your place. I don’t understand that.

Essentially when there is a perpetrator (him) and a victim (his partner) by saying and doing nothing you side with the perpetrator. Not the victim.
So all those saying do nothing are basically enabling him to carry on. Are essentiaisiding with him.

You’re more concerned about ops motives to say something than the fact something needs to be said.

Yes, just let another cheating bloke get away with it because god forbid his ap came to her senses, fessed up and got out of the affair situation. But wants him to suffer.
so what. He should suffer!

I for one would, yes, hate this woman but he would have been the one cheating on me. Whatever’s op’s motives, this man’s partner is the victim here. And by doing nothing when there’s a chance of giving her a real decision on her life, she’s just being victimised again.

Be outraged at op sure. But the affair happened. Don’t say leave this woman in the dark simply because you hate op so much you can’t bare the thought of op ‘getting revenge’.

You say this like you’ve never been the innocent partner having some dirty skank gleefully saying “Ner ner ner ner ner!” in your face. Believe me, I’d rather have been kept in the dark than see her have that satisfaction. I’d rather have heard it from anyone else on the planet, except her.

TwattusTwattus · 15/02/2024 18:01

Normally I think the AP should tell the cheated partner but in this case I agree, don't tell. OP's motivation is backwards. Probably an element of spite that the girlfriend is happily carrying on with her man.

Crackoncrackerjack · 15/02/2024 18:04

This is just about revenge, nothing else but pure spite

SecondChancesAtLife · 15/02/2024 18:05

You say this like you’ve never been the innocent partner having some dirty skank gleefully saying “Ner ner ner ner ner!” in your face. Believe me, I’d rather have been kept in the dark than see her have that satisfaction. I’d rather have heard it from anyone else on the planet, except her.

See, I would rather know - even from the OW - than blithely carry on through life thinking my dp is a good and faithful guy. Knowing gives the cheating wankers gf the choice to decide whether to stay/marry/have dcs with this man, regardless of where the info comes from. Usually the ow supplying the info is the only way the wife/partner would know as they’re the only two complicit in the affair. And the man is likely to tell Jack shit if he thinks he’s got away with it. Why the hell would he?

I guess we’re all different. I’d want to know.

Parky04 · 15/02/2024 18:06

RandomForest · 15/02/2024 16:28

Yes tell her.

She will be able to get a health screen and decide about her future.
She is not married so maybe this will shape her decisions and choices going forward before she marries and has children with him.

Absolutely give her the information that could change her life.

I knew someone who told the wife that they had an affair with their husband. The husband attacked her, and she was in hospital for 2 months and is permanently disabled. Be very careful as actions could have severe consequences!

Noseybookworm · 15/02/2024 18:22

So you want to tell her purely out of spite? If I were you I would leave them alone and concentrate on trying to make your own marriage work OP.

BLT2024 · 15/02/2024 18:22

Blobblobblob12 · 15/02/2024 16:26

Ok - loud and clear. Thank you

No need for OP to return she said this.

ruhroh · 15/02/2024 18:34

Definitely tell before she marries him for life

ruhroh · 15/02/2024 18:35

TwattusTwattus · 15/02/2024 18:01

Normally I think the AP should tell the cheated partner but in this case I agree, don't tell. OP's motivation is backwards. Probably an element of spite that the girlfriend is happily carrying on with her man.

Doesn't matter. Even if it was from someone who hated my guts or wanted to snatch my man, I'd want to know before marrying the man. After marriage is another issue altogether

guessmyage11 · 15/02/2024 18:36

You didn't give 2 hoots when you were shagging her man, so why now! So you can cause disruption?

ScottishShortie · 15/02/2024 18:40

I think you should tell her. I would want to know. He’ll do it again.
There’s clearly not “a lot of love” between you and your husband for you to do this though.
sorry - I’m one of those old fashioned pains in the butt who thinks affairs are just grim. If you’re not happy, leave. Don’t degrade the person you’re meant to love by doing that to them. Hope your husband wakes up and finds happiness with someone who values and respects him.