Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - do I tell his partner?

155 replies

Blobblobblob12 · 15/02/2024 16:09

Hi all,
NC for this as I don’t want this linked to other threads I’m on.

I had an affair (5 months but living quite far apart so not continuous). I’m married, AP is in a relationship (not living together).

I have told my dh last month and we’re working through it. There were some ‘mitigating’ circumstances and he wants to stay together, as do I. I think we’ll make it as we are both very clear in where we want to be, and there is a lot of love between us.

AP has not told his partner. As they are not living together, he has been able to keep it away from her. The affair was quite intense with very sincere feelings between us. It was both emotional and physical.

I have cut all contact, but it grates that he is not telling his partner anything and I am considering telling her. On one hand, because I would want to know in her situation.
But truthfully there is also a part in me that doesn’t want him to continue as if nothing happened, and ‘getting away with it’ . Not very nice, I know, but that thought keeps popping up.

Has anyone in this situation, contacted the partner/wife?
any advice if I should, or shouldn’t?

OP posts:
Jk987 · 15/02/2024 20:52

I don't think you're over it and you still want your affair partner. If that's true, it's not fair on your husband to try and reconcile.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/02/2024 21:35

It's unlikely she'd believe you anyway he'd say you are the crazy woman at work who is so upset he keeps turning you down , or it was a snog once and you've got obsessed and are stalking him etc etc. look at the thread 'are you the crazy ex' that is active now he will say similar about you.

No point in getting involved in more drama unless... dare I say it do you like a bit of drama op?

kkloo · 15/02/2024 22:21

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/02/2024 21:35

It's unlikely she'd believe you anyway he'd say you are the crazy woman at work who is so upset he keeps turning you down , or it was a snog once and you've got obsessed and are stalking him etc etc. look at the thread 'are you the crazy ex' that is active now he will say similar about you.

No point in getting involved in more drama unless... dare I say it do you like a bit of drama op?

There's a high chance he'd say that alright but many women don't fall for that stuff even if they would like for it to be true.

Agree that people will believe the 'crazy ex' story more often than not when it comes to a new man.

But it is often different if the woman is the one in the relationship with the man because they want to know the truth if there is even a hint of an allegation or suspicion of cheating. And she often will believe the woman, especially in this day and age where most will have proof with messages etc.

kkloo · 15/02/2024 22:27

I would want to know. I wouldn't care if the OW told me out of 'spite'. I'd just want to know the truth.

OP I do think you have to ask yourself if you're being honest with your husband about your feelings though. You say you don't want this man to 'get away with it', but if a part of you still wants this other man and you're not being honest with your husband about that then you're still deceiving him.

ruhroh · 15/02/2024 22:29

Even if it was from my malicious gloating sworn enemy, and the morning before we walked down the aisle, I'd want to know.

After marriage is more complicated, but before marriage I'd want to know before I fucked up my whole life

Lighteningstrikes · 15/02/2024 23:25

Isn’t a bit late for that.

I don’t suppose you thought about her when you dropped your knickers.

It’s none of your business, so stop making trouble and concentrate on your own marriage.

You sound like a nasty bit of work.

Tinkerbyebye · 15/02/2024 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PhoenixStarbeamer · 16/02/2024 00:31

There's something wrong with you, obviously. He had a lucky escape.

ApisGuard · 16/02/2024 00:53

@Blobblobblob12 ?

BlastedPimples · 16/02/2024 06:29

By having an affair your behaviour is that of a low value woman.

Don't add to it by telling your low value affair partner's wife.

Try and be a better person.

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 16/02/2024 07:04

See this is why this doesn’t make sense.

Op and OM had an affair. Intense and passionate and ended by mutual agreement.

Op the chose to tell her husband. It was a choice and she is happy to put in the work to fix her marriage.

If things ended mutually and in good terms with the OM, why does she want to take the choice away from him. She freely made a choice for herself to tell her husband. But also wants to make that choice for him too.

And while the woman deserves to know, even now Op doesn’t want to tell her because she realises how shitty it was. She wants to tell her so he doesn’t ‘get away with it’. Where has that animosity, towards the OM, come from?

I can only assume the story shared isn’t reflective of what’s actually happened. I also suspect Op don’t tell her husband in an attempt at having a good marriages i suspect her husband is just a pawn in ops addictions drama.

Catandsquirrel · 16/02/2024 07:46

HighlandSpring85 · 15/02/2024 16:30

Jeez, people on here are so judgemental about affairs. Honestly it's like you've killed someone.
People are people and we make mistakes and do silly things, bad things even! But no one died and you're making it work with your husband, so don't let anyone here make you feel worse than I'm sure you already do.
FWIW, the best thing to do would to be to move on and forget about the OM and his life but I know that's hard to do.
Have you talked to your DH about what he thinks about telling her? Discussing how you feel with him might help?

Yes. Totally. It's deeply hurtful and destructive to people who make no decision to be involved when they find out which often happens. It isn't a light hearted or neutral thing to do. Most people do not enter relationships or marriages happy to have others brought in so it is unilaterally changing the terms and usually involves a whole pile of deceit and lying which removes autonomy and sound decision making power. It usually involves cowardice and the path of least resistance at the partner's expense. If it's that harmless why not just mention it over breakfast?

Yes, it is against a lot of people's principles. Killing isn't the only shit thing to do.

Bookworm20 · 16/02/2024 09:45

Don't add to it by telling your low value affair partner's wife.

Try and be a better person.

A better person would tell this woman.
A better person would not knowingly leave another woman in the dark about something that will affect the rest of her life.

It's pretty fucking depressing actually how many people on this thread would just stay quiet and say nothing.
It is far, far more selfish and shitty to say nothing, than to say something even if it is to make yourself feel better, or to get back at him.

Pretty much all the insults have come from people who obviously hate affairs with a passion (as do I) and yet all of those people are the ones saying stay quiet, and don't say anything.

SamW98 · 16/02/2024 09:49

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 16/02/2024 07:04

See this is why this doesn’t make sense.

Op and OM had an affair. Intense and passionate and ended by mutual agreement.

Op the chose to tell her husband. It was a choice and she is happy to put in the work to fix her marriage.

If things ended mutually and in good terms with the OM, why does she want to take the choice away from him. She freely made a choice for herself to tell her husband. But also wants to make that choice for him too.

And while the woman deserves to know, even now Op doesn’t want to tell her because she realises how shitty it was. She wants to tell her so he doesn’t ‘get away with it’. Where has that animosity, towards the OM, come from?

I can only assume the story shared isn’t reflective of what’s actually happened. I also suspect Op don’t tell her husband in an attempt at having a good marriages i suspect her husband is just a pawn in ops addictions drama.

I totally agree the whole mutual decision, told her husband, so much love left etc etc doesn’t quite tally with the vindictive ‘how fucking dare he get away with it’ as surely had the OP chosen not to tell her husband then she could also be said to have got away with it?

The whole OP doesn’t ring true

Crackoncrackerjack · 16/02/2024 10:02

She got dumped, her husband found out and now she wants revenge

Namechange666 · 16/02/2024 10:04

I'd say tell her, not for your sake but so this woman knows what a cretin she has in her life. So she can make a decision to stay with him or not, with full knowledge.

Just like your husband got to. People may disagree with me but I'd want to know if my partner was making a fool of me behind my back and playing away. Not a chance would I stay.

testingsquared · 16/02/2024 10:11

@Blobblobblob12 you are obviously bothered that there appear to have been no consequences for your ex affair partner.
Telling his girlfriend means that you might be causing a totally innocent person pain.
What's more important to you? Ensuring your ex affair partner experiences the consequences of his poor choices, or causing a totally innocent person pain?

SheLovesaCrisp · 16/02/2024 12:58

OP definitely got caught

Residentevil · 16/02/2024 13:47

Why did you tell your husband in the first place? If your confession was genuinely due to remorse and a desire to salvage your marriage, that would be your sole focus now. It obviously isn’t, and as your husband I’d be furious if you made any attempt to contact either the ap or his girlfriend.

Rania78 · 16/02/2024 13:54

Blobblobblob12 · 15/02/2024 16:09

Hi all,
NC for this as I don’t want this linked to other threads I’m on.

I had an affair (5 months but living quite far apart so not continuous). I’m married, AP is in a relationship (not living together).

I have told my dh last month and we’re working through it. There were some ‘mitigating’ circumstances and he wants to stay together, as do I. I think we’ll make it as we are both very clear in where we want to be, and there is a lot of love between us.

AP has not told his partner. As they are not living together, he has been able to keep it away from her. The affair was quite intense with very sincere feelings between us. It was both emotional and physical.

I have cut all contact, but it grates that he is not telling his partner anything and I am considering telling her. On one hand, because I would want to know in her situation.
But truthfully there is also a part in me that doesn’t want him to continue as if nothing happened, and ‘getting away with it’ . Not very nice, I know, but that thought keeps popping up.

Has anyone in this situation, contacted the partner/wife?
any advice if I should, or shouldn’t?

Ohhhh how nice and thoughtful of you to care for his partner. I am so moved. A tear drop is coming down my eye.

The only reason you want to do this is because you are selfish and you can’t get over the fact he only had you for a f@ck. You are trying to convince yourself that you are a nice person while you are annoyed bcs you had to tell your partner who is stupid and apparently lacks self respect.

However, I think you should tell her so that she gets rid of him. She desevres better as does your husband.

Mybusyday · 16/02/2024 13:58

A genuine question - all these people who are judging and being nasty to OP have any of you ever had an affair or had your heads turned? Sometimes things just happen and I don't think OP deserves to have all of these negative comments

Rania78 · 16/02/2024 13:59

Mybusyday · 16/02/2024 13:58

A genuine question - all these people who are judging and being nasty to OP have any of you ever had an affair or had your heads turned? Sometimes things just happen and I don't think OP deserves to have all of these negative comments

OP is not judged because she had an affair. OP is judged because out of spite she wants to make her AP and his girlfriend suffer. She is judged because her husband forgave her, however she is still obsessed with her AP

SamW98 · 16/02/2024 14:02

Mybusyday · 16/02/2024 13:58

A genuine question - all these people who are judging and being nasty to OP have any of you ever had an affair or had your heads turned? Sometimes things just happen and I don't think OP deserves to have all of these negative comments

No never. I’ve been approached by attached men and said no every single time

There’s enough unattached people out there to stay away from the attached ones.

Things don’t just happen, it’s a conscious decision with potential consequences for all involved.

testingsquared · 16/02/2024 14:12

Mybusyday · 16/02/2024 13:58

A genuine question - all these people who are judging and being nasty to OP have any of you ever had an affair or had your heads turned? Sometimes things just happen and I don't think OP deserves to have all of these negative comments

I've never had an affair although I have been propositioned and I have found other men attractive, both physically and intellectually. I have decided my moral compass and I stick to it. It takes willpower. Affairs don't just 'happen'. A person has to make a positive decision and move to start an affair.

Usernamechange1234 · 16/02/2024 14:52

Mybusyday · 16/02/2024 13:58

A genuine question - all these people who are judging and being nasty to OP have any of you ever had an affair or had your heads turned? Sometimes things just happen and I don't think OP deserves to have all of these negative comments

‘Your head turned’ jeez I hate that expression!

It implies no personal agency on behalf of the cheat. No, no one has made me ‘turn my head’ but also no I haven’t wilfully ever betrayed my husband’s trust in me. Why would I? I have a clear moral compass.

FWIW I loathe the minimising of cheating as well. It’s not something that ‘just happens’. It’s a series of choices. Choices that the cheat is VERY aware will be utterly destructive in the long run!

It involves the removal of a betrayed’s personal agency and right to informed sexual consent. It is accompanied by minimising, gaslighting and manipulation. It often leads to a form of trauma not unlike PTSD! It’s not something that just happens!!!