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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - do I tell his partner?

155 replies

Blobblobblob12 · 15/02/2024 16:09

Hi all,
NC for this as I don’t want this linked to other threads I’m on.

I had an affair (5 months but living quite far apart so not continuous). I’m married, AP is in a relationship (not living together).

I have told my dh last month and we’re working through it. There were some ‘mitigating’ circumstances and he wants to stay together, as do I. I think we’ll make it as we are both very clear in where we want to be, and there is a lot of love between us.

AP has not told his partner. As they are not living together, he has been able to keep it away from her. The affair was quite intense with very sincere feelings between us. It was both emotional and physical.

I have cut all contact, but it grates that he is not telling his partner anything and I am considering telling her. On one hand, because I would want to know in her situation.
But truthfully there is also a part in me that doesn’t want him to continue as if nothing happened, and ‘getting away with it’ . Not very nice, I know, but that thought keeps popping up.

Has anyone in this situation, contacted the partner/wife?
any advice if I should, or shouldn’t?

OP posts:
BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 15/02/2024 18:42

Do you not think you've done enough? Focus on your own relationship and stay well away from theirs.

What do you expect the woman to do, thank you? Spoiler, she won't.

Usernamechange1234 · 15/02/2024 18:44

it always amazes me that people think a cheat’s ‘guilty conscience’ or ‘living with what they’ve done’, is going to solve it all. Sorry but this man is unlikely to give a monkeys what he’s done to his partner (not while she doesn’t know anyway).

He’s actually more likely (statistically 3-4 times more likely) to cheat again. This time they could be married, there could be children, he could have access to her pension pot, the equity on her house etc etc

Why on earth is allowing her to remain oblivious the right thing to do just because the OP does not have her ‘best interests at heart’? I can not get my head around why it’d be a good idea to leave this woman in a situation with such an unsafe man.

I get that it’s not the best person to tell her but not knowing is FAR worse!

PoshHorseyBird · 15/02/2024 18:45

So the guy you had an affair with...I'm guessing you didn't feel the need to tell his partner about the affair when you were in the middle of it? But now it's over you're having some sort of attack of morals and feeling she needs to know? Maybe just be grateful that your DH is willing to work through this and ask yourself why you felt the need to have an affair in the first place. I'm sure the other lady will find out soon enough what a prick her partner is.

anxioussister · 15/02/2024 18:47

OP - much as affairs aren't ok. You can’t change what you have done and can only do the ‘next right thing’ by telling your partner and committing to work on things with him.

I think that part of that next right thing is to try and stop your AP from taking up energy and time and space in your brain. Don’t externalise the rage and disappointment you feel at yourself on to him. By all means, consider that he has been unable to do the right thing by his wife as evidence that he would not be a good life partner. But then try and sit with your own discomfort without making him about him.

In short. AP and his partner are not your business or your responsibility. I think you need to stay in your lane.

There are some good little CBT exercises you can look up to help redirect your thoughts if you find yourself thinking about him.

but if you truly want your marriage to work - I think you need to focus on seeking to stop thinking about him rather than seeking revenge or to ‘make things fair’

HollyKnight · 15/02/2024 18:54

"Mitigating circumstances" did not make you cheat. You did that. And it doesn't sound like you have learned anything because your selfish cruel streak continues. Try focusing on your own behaviour instead of looking around at other people's.

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 15/02/2024 18:56

The time to care about her and what she should or shouldn’t know, was before you had an affair.

Your story doesn’t match up. You mutually ended the affair and you later told your partner through choice.

You were lucky enough to be able to make a go in your marriage and you really want to stay in your marriage and happy to put in the work to repair your marriage.

But also seething with resentment with the affair partner and want to him to pay? Pay for what?

what did he do that’s caused you to feel this anger? Either he dumped you. Or you aren’t happy about having to put in the work and instead of facing up to what you did and accepting your fault, you are displacing it and blaming the OM for your own behaviour.

BronwenTheBrave · 15/02/2024 19:11

There is one person here whose life isn't messed up as a result of your affair. So, yeah, fuck her over. Complete the set then you can rest easy.

4andnotcounting · 15/02/2024 19:25

AllEars112232 · 15/02/2024 16:21

Wow! You knowingly had an affair, while you were married and with a married man.
Now you want to put the boot in further and make his wife suffer.
That's just nasty. There is no justification that would ever make this a reasonable course of action.

💯 this

4andnotcounting · 15/02/2024 19:28

Crackoncrackerjack · 15/02/2024 17:22

Oh fuck off op, this is all about you wanting more drama and attention.

And 💯 this 😂

LadyEloise1 · 15/02/2024 19:40

RandomForest · 15/02/2024 16:28

Yes tell her.

She will be able to get a health screen and decide about her future.
She is not married so maybe this will shape her decisions and choices going forward before she marries and has children with him.

Absolutely give her the information that could change her life.

I agree with this.
I would want to know if my partner was cheating on me.

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 15/02/2024 19:42

What happens when you tell her. And she also decides there was extenuating circumstances and stays with him?

Will you feel like he has ‘paid’ enough for your actions?

BigBarm · 15/02/2024 19:47

Leave it.
you have decided to stay with your husband and work things through, so that is where your priorities should lie.
What your AP does with his life is no longer any of your business.

FETFirstTimer · 15/02/2024 19:50

I’d focus on my own marriage and getting therapy.

It sounds like an excuse to have some kind of contact with your AP tbh.

K8ate · 15/02/2024 19:56

Just leave it,
it sounds like you’re being vindictive to me.
Basically, you ate your cake and enjoyed it, had plenty of sex with another man and then got off the hook relatively easily regarding your dh not wanting to lose you.

thesnailandthewhale · 15/02/2024 19:57

So you have no respect for your husband or ap. Why pretend you have for her?

Gioia1 · 15/02/2024 19:57

You are not a good person. You’re vindictive and jealous.

Secondstart1001 · 15/02/2024 20:01

The husband is a fucking saint!

Janiie · 15/02/2024 20:22

Secondstart1001 · 15/02/2024 20:01

The husband is a fucking saint!

Maybe he'd been playing away too?

Gcsunnyside23 · 15/02/2024 20:22

It actually has nothing to do with you now. If you're committed to staying with your husband and working on things then do that but you sound so emotionally invested in the man you had an affair with. What's with the 'letting him get away with it' and wanting it acknowledged? You're annoyed he's happy to pretend you didn't happen. You need to draw a line and move on

Gcsunnyside23 · 15/02/2024 20:23

Actually do tell her as she deserves to know what you two did before she's tied to him completely but stop pretending you're doing it to be moral or any shit like that

manipulatrice · 15/02/2024 20:29

Loving the fact the OP never came back.

Jook · 15/02/2024 20:33

Whoahhhh.

Wishing your DH best of luck.

adriftinadenofvipers · 15/02/2024 20:36

manipulatrice · Today 20:29

Loving the fact the OP never came back.

Really not surprised!!

WandaWonder · 15/02/2024 20:36

So you cheated on your partner so now you want to put it onto her to make yourself feel better about your own cheating basically

You can dress it up however you like

SummerAzure · 15/02/2024 20:38

I'd absolutely want to know if I was her. He'll definitely do it again and you probably weren't his first affair. If you are being open and honest now I'd also discuss it with your husband, so it's not you going behind his back again. Affairs are awful and cowardly. I really hope you never treat your dh like that again. At least you are addressing it. This man won't address anything unless forced. He'll probably lie his way out of it though.