Affair - do I tell his partner?

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Hi all,
NC for this as I don’t want this linked to other threads I’m on.

I had an affair (5 months but living quite far apart so not continuous). I’m married, AP is in a relationship (not living together).

I have told my dh last month and we’re working through it. There were some ‘mitigating’ circumstances and he wants to stay together, as do I. I think we’ll make it as we are both very clear in where we want to be, and there is a lot of love between us.

AP has not told his partner. As they are not living together, he has been able to keep it away from her. The affair was quite intense with very sincere feelings between us. It was both emotional and physical.

I have cut all contact, but it grates that he is not telling his partner anything and I am considering telling her. On one hand, because I would want to know in her situation.
But truthfully there is also a part in me that doesn’t want him to continue as if nothing happened, and ‘getting away with it’ . Not very nice, I know, but that thought keeps popping up.

Has anyone in this situation, contacted the partner/wife?
any advice if I should, or shouldn’t?

I can't understand people saying don't tell her. I mean i get you where snagging her partner and didn't care then whether she knew but I believe she has a right to know but it has to be for the right reasons and that would be to warn her off that he is not a decent guy. If he cheated with you he will probably cheat with someone else and imo this girl deserves a lucky escape or at least the choice to choose whether she wants to forgive and move on not just he lied to.

Absolutely. I’ve said on here before that a woman I worked with committed suicide when she was confronted by her husbands mistress while pregnant.

The comments like the one you’ve quoted where it’s almost as if anyone who doesn’t ‘mistakenly’ shag someone else’s husband is a rare mythical outlier just baffle me tbh.

She does need to know I agree it’s just I imagine the OP is almost salivating with glee at the thought of rubbing her nose in it just as revenge for the bloke who dumped her that I find tasteless.

That breaks my heart.

I have always known cheating is inherently wrong but I realised the trauma when I watched one of my closest friends going through it. She is one of the toughest people I know but her husband cheating on her caused her to have suicidal ideation. She’d never suffered mental health issues in her life prior to this and I’ve known her since childhood. I myself experienced a form of PTSD when it happened to me. The pathetic someone ‘turned his head’ or ‘these things just happen’ ‘it’s nuanced’ or worse ‘they must have known/unhappy marriage’ rubbish just annoys me so much!

You are getting lot of heat on here and you
Kind of deserve it. The thing is none of us are perfect, including all the posters on here just in case they had forgotten.
My advice to you is this: put 100% of your mental energy in to your own marriage and thank whatever God you believe in that your husband isn't divorcing you over this.

@terfinthewild it does not take anywhere near ‘perfection’ to behave with basic decency though.
Wonder if OPs husband knows she was still texting her lover as ‘friends’. Him and the lover’s girlfriend need STD tested. They both deserve better than what OP and her lover’s disgusting behaviour choices.

Yep I’m not ‘perfect’ by a LONG shot but I still wouldn’t betray my husband or sleep with someone else’s partner, for the same reason I wouldn’t do anything I see as immoral!

Absolutely not. His relationship is none of your business. You’ve come clean now you want some weird moral equality? The fact you are giving it head space means you aren’t focussed on your husband. Poor guy.

Absolutely. There was the time I tripped and fell on a cock, but it was fine because he was fit enough to "turn my head" and if my husband hadn't been working hard to pay for the family home, I wouldn't have been so neglected and deserving of shagging anything else I could find. In fact, it's pretty clear it's my husband's fault.

Fuck. Right. Off.

I have been attracted to people while in a relationship. I didn’t pursue anything….because I was in a relationship.

Not sure anyone said you should never find other people attractive.

I did, when single, become quite attracted to a man who was married and who worked at the same company. We worked in a project and became friends. After the project, I put plenty of space between us. And not because I think I am perfect. But because anyway it worked out it would be shit for all involved.

Even if he left his wife, without us being involved, and admitted he left for me and wanted to be with me, I would feel gutted for his wife and kids. If we got involved then he left I would feel awful. If we had an affair and he never left his wife, I would feel like shit whenever he went home to his family. So what’s the point?

It’s actually been quite easy to not have an affair.

People get PTSD from the trauma affairs cause. Somebody mentioned a pregnant colleague committing suicide because of the pain of an affair.

It's an awful thing to do with someone that affects children involved too.

Beyond stupid to pretend that people who have affairs are somehow oppressed or wrongly castigated. Anyone can have an affair, yes. Anyone can be tempted. The difference is most of us aren't entitled so-and-sos who think it would be just fine to do. We'd at the very least own up to it and feel guilty.

I think the “one who got away with it” was you!

You come across as bitter and jealous. I know you say you both wanted it to stop, but it’s fairly clear you feel dumped. And vengeful .

so cheating and now wanting to ger revenge. Nice op.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn - sounds like I hit a very raw nerve there so who was it that had the affair? Your partner or yourself?? Very sour grapes

Neither. Happily married. When people think what you say is laughable and quite disgusting, do you always think "clever me I hit a nerve?". I'll just clarify, it's because what you said is laughable and disgusting.

You seem to confuse the phrase "sour grapes" with having a moral compass and thinking cheaters are scum.

HTH.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn - oh ok you keep telling yourself that - your venom says otherwise!!! Why was my comment disgusting? It was a perfectly reasonable question

You definitely still want him if you’re considering doing this. There’s no doubt about it.

Don't fool yourself that because you felt it was emotional that he did too. Some
Men will say and do anything for sex.

Eh, most people don't like cheating. Nothing to do with touching any nerves.

I've never been cheated on but when I hear stories of it happening to other people, you can just feel it. It's a horrible thing to do to someone.

I wouldn't want to be mates with someone who thought cheating was ok. It goes completely against self preservation. Like being buddies with someone who's happy to steal from friends and family.

And if you do cheat, own up to it. Don't say your head was turned or that you were tempted. Acknowledge it's deeply unpleasant and people stating that aren't being nasty.

@Mybusyday there you go, someone else answered for me.

Raise your standards, as you think cheating is something that "just happens."

@Goateen - but been told to fuck off because someone doesn't agree with my view like @putyourcoaton did is very much being nasty to me!

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn - you say you are happily married but how can you be so sure that your DH has never cheated or "had his head turned"?

What an odd little thing you are.

Or maybe it was engineered for the husband to find out, op is probably angry that her lover didn't follow suit, confess and leave his wife.

He reneged on the agreement of everlasting love.

Now he must be punished.

Fine by me, so long as the man's wife has agency over her life again.
Punish away.

Excellent values, and one's I hope you adhere to.

Maybe you're a male and conduct affairs, I'm imagining you open up the marriage are are honest about your conquests and allow your wife to have the same opportunities, do you allow other men to enjoy your wife ?

The same applies if you are female, please tell me whilst conducting these love affairs that your man is happily entering as many women that 'turns his head.'

These affair apologists never really talk about the need to allow their partners agency of their own life, they sneak around and expect their partners to stay faithful, honest and monogamous, every one of them.

So predictable, so understanding of infedelity but not when it happens to them.