Affair - do I tell his partner?

[Blobblobblob12]

Hi all,
NC for this as I don’t want this linked to other threads I’m on.

I had an affair (5 months but living quite far apart so not continuous). I’m married, AP is in a relationship (not living together).

I have told my dh last month and we’re working through it. There were some ‘mitigating’ circumstances and he wants to stay together, as do I. I think we’ll make it as we are both very clear in where we want to be, and there is a lot of love between us.

AP has not told his partner. As they are not living together, he has been able to keep it away from her. The affair was quite intense with very sincere feelings between us. It was both emotional and physical.

I have cut all contact, but it grates that he is not telling his partner anything and I am considering telling her. On one hand, because I would want to know in her situation.
But truthfully there is also a part in me that doesn’t want him to continue as if nothing happened, and ‘getting away with it’ . Not very nice, I know, but that thought keeps popping up.

Has anyone in this situation, contacted the partner/wife?
any advice if I should, or shouldn’t?

Wow so many people didn't even read the OP.
He is not married and is not living with his partner.

YES, tell her. This woman may be deciding to create a future with this man and you have information about her choice of partner that could save her years of torment or making the biggest mistake of her life.

If you've any remorse, then tell the poor woman.
I disagree its none of OP's business what he does. She was his affair partner and so its absolutely her business.

Please tell her. At least so she can know the signs for when he does it again with someone else.

She can make herself happy with revenge while also making that poor woman aware, potentially saving her life from that piece of shit. It's not mutually exclusive, revenge can be delicious while also equittable.
And just because she has done the wrong thing it doesn't mean she can't ever correct her mistake.

The naysayers are affair sympathisers with questionable morals. They always pop up on these threads because they fear being outted.

Concentrate on your marriage OP. If you genuinely want to stay married to your husband then you need to stay well away from your affair partner and his family. Your motives aren't about helping her, they're about your annoyance that he isn't being held accountable in the same way you are.

Definitely just focus on your own business and keep out of his! You don’t come across like your wanting to tell her for the right reasons but more so because you want to punish him, which I’m not sure why you both had the affair so your no innocent in any of this.

No, she shouldn't slap her, that would make it all much worse.

Is there a saying the best revenge is living well ( or similar ) . If you want to rebuild your relationship with your husband I would not give the chap & his partner a second thought. You might think he "has got away with it " but honestly concentrate on yourself

Yep. The OP reads that she wants to punish him rather than because she feels guilty for the partner.

Don't tell her, that is so mean

revenge can be delicious while also equittable.

Revenge for what exactly?

No need for all the insults.
Yes OP royally and epically fucked up. Big time. Huge. We all agree.

But who gives a shit what her reasons are for telling this blokes partner?

The fact remains is the woman is better off knowing than not.

If you were this mans partner, possibly about to start a life/family with him would you want to know?
And would you care what the reason was for being told?

I would want to know! And I wouldn't give a flying fuck if the reason I was told about his cheating was because the AP wanted to 'get back at him'. Good for her i'd say! And I'd be right in line behind her at getting back at the cheating piece of shit.

I'm not even judging the affair part, I'm just genuinely confused about being angry at him for 'getting away with it' when you say you were also friends and you were the ap.

You're still not focusing on your marriage are you?

You want him to suffer which suggests to me ending things was not your choice no matter what you say.
He doesn't want you and you're bloody lucky your husband does. Put your attention where it should have been in the first place.

Her motivation is irrelevant, 2 wrongs don't make a right (first cheating and then being complicent in withholding life changing information).

My god you're a nasty piece of work. You shouldn't say anything, you've done enough damage in this womans life without causing her distress because you're clearly jealous of their relationship. She'll find out who he is soon enough, or maybe he's got it out his system and they'll be soul mates forever. Leave them alone and live your own life, I hope your DH meets someone nicer and leaves you 🤷‍♀️

Now your affair is over and the drama and excitement that brought you is gone, you need to cause more drama by telling this woman and getting attention on here. 🙄

I hope this woman finds out that her bf is a cheating bastard but your motives are terrible, not surprisingly.

You’ll never be happy OP unless you sort out the root cause of your need for drama.

I hope you’re still reading OP because you do need to tell her.

Your motivations don’t matter.

ATM she is not tied to this man, she doesn’t have children with him, she’s free financially.

He (and you) have stolen her right to personal agency and informed sexual consent. That needs to be returned to her so she can decide how to proceed knowing the full story.

Id also have a conversation with your husband about this as he needs to be kept up to date and nothing hidden from him.

And to the posters bleating on about not loving your husband many MANY affairs happen in marriages considered happy. You need to work hard on unpicking why you gave yourself permission to do something so utterly self destructive.

You have done enough Leave it

I wouldn't tell her no, although I do think if they are not married and have no kids together and are not living together it's probably better for her to know now before she ties her life to this man. I just wouldn't tell her because I think you owe it to your husband to focus fully on fixing things with him and creating drama about it isn't doing that.

I also think all the nasty comments here are ott and uncalled for.

Of course you shouldn't tell her... unlike you she hasn't taken vows.

Looks like it, because oh dear!

I agree with this.

Nothig to do with him getting away with it or whatever but I firmly believe the wronged parties should always be informed so they are then in control of things going forward.

Women like you make me sick. You had zero thought for this woman when you were shagging her partner, and now you’re suddenly overcome with concern for her and you’re having an attack of conscience? You’ve already done the damage, so why not rub her nose in it? Just because you’re angry with this OM, you’ll hurt her to hurt him. I hope one day that someone does it to you.

Fucking hell, this is so malicious. Why do you want to tell her? Because it’s seems like he’s got away with it? YOU’VE GOT AWAY WITH IT!!! Your partner has forgiven you. The other bloke might be wracked with guilt every day, and not want to screw up his relationship. You’re not wracked with guilt, because you confessed and are ‘working through it’, he might know his GF will leave him. You don’t know her personality, like you know your DH’s. He might think she might top herself, he knows her, you don’t! Why are you stick your nose in? You are not the innocent party! You knew there must be a good chance of your DH forgiving you other wise you wouldn’t have told him. It was YOUR decision to tell your DH, but your taking his decision away from him if you tell her. Unbelievably self centred and malicious.