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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

2 children + 1 dull husband = affair

229 replies

middleclassalchy · 23/03/2008 11:05

I have never done "message boards" before, but read an article on mumsnet in the Guardian, struck a chord..maybe there are other mothers out there who dont live their lives around which is the right school, can junior read better than a n other how many different types of veg can I fit into my Waitrose quick check bag to look
impressive.

Anyway, I am mid 30`s, married for 10 years, 2 boys and so very, very bored. Over Christmas a neighbour, who I have known for 8 years, and I started something which should not have been started and blimey, life has got so much more interesting! So far, even though he lives only 2 mins away, we have been very discreet and no one knows, however its eating me up. I now not only find my husband boring, but also am begining to dislike him.

I have a "meeting" planned for Fri evening...what do I do...carry on things as its giving me a bounce in my step and a reason to get up. Or.....?

OP posts:
tiredemma · 23/03/2008 11:08

get a hobby or something.

Your first paragraph- I think that you will find that most people on here are bothered about such things.

throckenholt · 23/03/2008 11:09

decide what is really important to you - and then be honest about it - and work towards it - and do your best not to hurt anyone more than absolutely necessary.

Taweret · 23/03/2008 11:10

Or?.....

Have the decency to be honest with your husband.

It takes two to make a marriage, and if yours is boring, you bear 50% of the responsibility.

Who you have sex with is entirely up to you, but surely the father of your children deserves better treatment than to be cuckolded by his wife merely because she is bored?

Boco · 23/03/2008 11:10

Welcome to mumsnet.
I think you may need to develop a bit of a thick skin with your very honest first post.

You can certainly find threads on all the things in your first paragraph to hide in though, if you need to!

Is your neighbour married too?
Personally, I think you need to make a choice and stick to it. Affairs can be horribly damaging things to families, I don't think I've ever forgiven my dad for his. If you don't have feelings for your husband, then for his sake and yours, you need to either start communicating with him and trying to save your marriage, or call it a day.

Swedes · 23/03/2008 11:12

Your name suggests you are in need of help. If I were you, I would get some professional help with the very big problem mentioned in your posting name. After that you might want to get some help with your addiction to alcohol.

winniethewino · 23/03/2008 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boco · 23/03/2008 11:14

lol at swedes. And at someone called winniethe wino giving advice to someone called middleclassalchy.

alfiesbabe · 23/03/2008 11:15

I think you've been given sound advice here. The most telling thing is that you admit to being thoroughly bored. You need to take responsibility for that. A new man would provide temporary excitement, but it won't last - you'll go back to being bored plus have the disastrous fall out to deal with. Get a job, get a hobby, make an effort to get to know your husband again (presumably you loved him and found him attractive and interesting once?). What you describe is not an unusual scenario when you're with someone long term, but you need to take responsibility for how you feel, not look to someone else to spice your life up.

MissChief · 23/03/2008 11:15

otoh, maybe it's much more natural than lifetime monogamy, regardless of the rights and wrongs. You're acting on an urge many of us feel )well I do, anyway). it's also partly cultural, discreet affairs are much more tolerated on parts of the continent.
don't know if' you're after advice or to be condoned or what but i certainly can udnerstand yr motives.

Original poster
middleclassalchy · 23/03/2008 11:18

To Swedes, dont judge a book by the cover, if I were to call myself bigandcuddly, would you advise me to go to Slimming World?

Anyway, my children are in good schools and so very healthy not even colds are a problem.

I hear what you are all saying...not fair on the husband or the other wife or the children.

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 23/03/2008 11:24

Actually not fair on yourself either !

What struck me from your post was you starting to actively dislike your husband - that's your brain projecting because in order for it to justify what you're doing it has to find a reason.

Lots of people get very bored and unfulfilled but it sounds like there is no joy in what you're doing, just distraction from whatever the real problems are.

You need to strat taking responsibility for your own unhappiness (and the unhappiness your causing others, even if they don't know) - and do it will a bit less self loathing too - you are not being kind to you by doing this, you deserve more than this hole in the corner shit you've fallen into.

I'm not sure you actually believe you deserve happiness ?

SecondhandRose · 23/03/2008 11:26

Did you think he was boring when you married him? What made you marry him? Has he become boring or is it you that has changed? Do you want to save your marriage?

MissChief · 23/03/2008 11:27

or sh'es just being very human, given in to temptation and now looking at her dh thro more critical eyes. i can completely undertstand that attitude. why esle do so many affairs take place? it may not be morally right, it may be hurful but it is human nature, imho. It takes a lot to suppress that.

Boco · 23/03/2008 11:27

I don't think monogamy works for everyone ,but you have to work that out with dh, you've both got to agree you're going to see other people, be honest. Maybe he feels the same and is also sleeping with someone else.

Mamazon · 23/03/2008 11:31

SWEDES - what that she is middle class?

i hope your a troll. otherwise i am concenred that the guardian article may have portrayed us all as very boreing housewives who dream of shagging the gardener.

if your not then may i point out that its not excitment your feeling, its the adrenalin rush of trying to not get caught.
if your husband is all that boreing then divorce.

allow him the self respect of being free from you before you continue your sordid affair.

MissChief · 23/03/2008 11:34

well, i'm with boco. She may be a troll in which case why did we wasteout time? But chances are, she's just not back here much becuase of the rather nasty things being said. No-one's infallible, no-one's perfect and a hell of a lot of people have affairs for all sorts of reasons, (and some of that number statisitically, must include MNers!)

noddyholder · 23/03/2008 11:36

sort your drinking out first and then you may find your dh and kids aren't so boring and it may be you Welcome

MissChief · 23/03/2008 11:37

but he might be genuinely boring! And do we know she has a drinking problem??

mummybrains · 23/03/2008 11:39

Brave first post - some very hurt women on here who will not be sympathatic.

I have been in your shoes recently and it's ended up hellish (see threads passim). People on here gave me some very harsh words and some kindly advice, but only you know what the right thing is for you - you don't need others to tell you what's right, but it helps to hear them. It's good that you are questioning things at least.

You can justify anything if you want to for the sake of a thrilling passion, even disliking your husband. Lust screws you over - trust me. It's wonderful to have a guilty pleasure but tread very carefully - and do consider the future and the pain that can result.

Blandmum · 23/03/2008 11:42

How much do you want to be a liar and a cheat?

If your marriage is in a bad state, be an adult and sort it out. If you want to have an 'open' marriage, fine, but you should discuss it with your dh.

Or be a spoiled child

ChickenSoupDragon · 23/03/2008 11:48
Hmm
tiredemma · 23/03/2008 11:48

dont feed it

oxocube · 23/03/2008 11:53

exactly tiredemma

Yawn

Original poster
middleclassalchy · 23/03/2008 12:22

Not been here much as I do have 2 children, its Easter Sunday and I`ve been busy.

Firstly - I do not have a drink problem thank you. I like a drink, but I was under the impression this was reasonably normal behaviour.

Secondly - I may be a troll, but not sure what one is, so feel unable to comment.

Husband has not always been boreing(sic!), he has a busy job, talks about it all the time, little interest in me or children.blah blah blah.

Guardian article was very positive about you lot, clever women with honest opinions...which is what I`m getting here...not all nice, but that is life.

I need courage to leave, and dont want to for another man as that is out of frying pan into fire stuff. I would not have entertained the thought of an affair 6 months ago, but think a recent birthday has made me start to regret not living more....maybe it is time to change things.

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 23/03/2008 12:43

feck it, just wrote a reply and t'internet connection died.

I had a close friendship outside my marriage. I came on here asking for advice and got honest replies.

I ended my friendship and tried to rectify things with my h. Despite me trying, things didn't work out. We both agreed that things had been over between us and wrong for longer than we cared to admit so we are now splitting amicably, fortunately.

End the thing with your neighbour, it's just an added complication you don't need right now. Plus what would happen if you got bored with him? Try to get that spark back with your husband. Do you think you could? Would relate help? At least try, it's better to try and fail than not try at all isn't it? At least then, like me, you know you would have tried your best.