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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

2 children + 1 dull husband = affair

229 replies

middleclassalchy · 23/03/2008 11:05

I have never done "message boards" before, but read an article on mumsnet in the Guardian, struck a chord..maybe there are other mothers out there who dont live their lives around which is the right school, can junior read better than a n other how many different types of veg can I fit into my Waitrose quick check bag to look
impressive.

Anyway, I am mid 30`s, married for 10 years, 2 boys and so very, very bored. Over Christmas a neighbour, who I have known for 8 years, and I started something which should not have been started and blimey, life has got so much more interesting! So far, even though he lives only 2 mins away, we have been very discreet and no one knows, however its eating me up. I now not only find my husband boring, but also am begining to dislike him.

I have a "meeting" planned for Fri evening...what do I do...carry on things as its giving me a bounce in my step and a reason to get up. Or.....?

OP posts:
collision · 23/03/2008 14:37

human passion!

stick to the one you have got and leave other people's men alone......

jalopy · 23/03/2008 14:39

I'm still reeling from the patronising opening paragraph. Hardly endearing herself as a first time poster.

camillathechicken · 23/03/2008 14:40

unless you are comatose, then you have the ability to say no, an affair is not a good idea.. until you are naked in bed withsomeone elses spouse, you can walk away, can't you? am sure human passion allows you to ignore the voice of reason and conscience, saying this is not a good idea

affairs happen, i know that, just have the guts to admit that it was a concious decision

collision · 23/03/2008 14:40

jalopy.....she has now disappeared......

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 23/03/2008 14:40

mummybrains, there are people who have affairs who it isn't just one of those things that happened out of the blue.

For example, for about a year before her affair, my aunt was making comments about how she wished she could "lock her husband in a cupboard for a year so she could go and have some fun" and even saying that she'd been to see a fortune teller who had told her that if she had an affair, it would all work out okay.

She never spoke to her DH about the issues she had. Instead she chose to start sleeping with a work colleague. It was an active choice, she didn't have to. She could have talked to her husband, gone for councelling, and made some important choices before thinking she could have her cake and eat it.

QuintessentiallyAnEmptyCave · 23/03/2008 14:41

Mummybrains, the OP is not asking for help. Re-read the first post. She is hoping this is a forum where we dont put our children and their wellbeing first, she is hoping we are different here, and she is asking for reassurance and a pat on the back, as far as I am reading her. She is asking if we think she shall have her next liaison, and frankly it seems like she is gloating.

Monkeytrousers · 23/03/2008 14:42

Oh co0me on - men are not innocent victims here.

Marriage/realtionship rot is something most of us will have to deal with. I don';t have any sympathy for what she's doing, but she has said that she can see the sense in ending it - that it has eased the pain of a failing marriage. No families have been devestated..yet..she can still avoid that.

But the bloke she is having an affair with may very well go on to have another one. She hasn't forced him into anything.

mummybrains · 23/03/2008 14:42

Animal passion then if you like.

I think the OP should know she is not alone - and let her hear from people who can sympathise. She knows it's wrong what she's doing - just feels right to let her know we're not all perfect here either. (steps back)

mummybrains · 23/03/2008 14:44

(steps back in). Quintetc. you are right - she's not asking for help as such - but I think she wanted to share some guilt. I hope she's heard what she wanted.

DeeRiguer · 23/03/2008 14:45

hear hear mummybrains

to OP shake up your boring life
do something you want to do..

have enough respect for your dh discuss your problems NOW or asap..
there are too many people and esp children involved innocently that could be hurt beyond repair

you are the grown up

MissChief · 23/03/2008 14:45

i agree -
#it's hurtful
it's wrong
but it's human nature
and she probably is a troll - re-reading the OP doesn't make me think she's gloating or wanting a pat on the back but it dones't quite ring true, imho. Apoliges to her if she's sincnere.

QuintessentiallyAnEmptyCave · 23/03/2008 14:51

Well OP, I am going to put the fear in you if I havent done so already.

The most dangerous person you know right now is your neighbour that you are currently shagging. Why? Because you dont know what he will do next. Did he already brag to his mates? Has his mates told their wives who in turn tell your neighbours wife? Will your neighbour (or your husband) receive an anonymous letter detailing comings and goings with you and your neighbour? Will your neighbour own up to his wife in an attempt to get his relationship back on track? Will his wife storm over the fence and beat you senseless, or will she call your husband?

So, what do YOU think you should do? End it and tell your husband? Or just end it.

DeeRiguer · 23/03/2008 14:54

you could be right misscheif
title should've been 2 children + dull dh + boring housewife =..

bored people are boring

bethoo · 23/03/2008 15:27

tell your hubby what is bothering you and see if you can work it out. then leave him if there is no future. he may be feeling the same way, he may even be having an affair!!

and when i was married i was always getting come ons from my neighbours and my husbands friends and colleagues so it has made me very cynical of men and in my eyes about 75% of husbands/partners will cheat.

Salla · 23/03/2008 17:54

I find it quite hurtful when you call her a boring housewife. I'm a housewife and quite bored at times but that does not make me a boring person! In my experience people often cheat on their partners when they are depressed and life seems to hold little value. Getting a job may not simply be enough for her, if she finds everything too much an effort already.

Original poster
middleclassalchy · 23/03/2008 21:24

Well, I have read, and re read every message posted and I am very surprised at some of the things said. Will not mention any one post as I really dont need you cyber witches flying at me on your broomsticks. Some of you are obviously quite twisted...you know nothing about me and yet judge in such an unbeilable way, what makes you lot so special...are you in the mn club, do you have a badge and a special handshake?

My husband has had affairs, I am being treated for depression, I do have a job and I do voluntary work. I adore my children with a passion.

I wrote the post to gain opinions from women, like I said in an earlier post, I was expecting good and bad and was very interested in what advice people would give. I did not expect downright bitchiness to rival a 14 year old in a playground.

One of you said I was the type of woman you hate...well hear hear, you are exactly the type I hate..good luck to you and your virtual friends...at least my friends are real.

Thank you to all those who gave good advice, I have read and it has gone in.

Good luck to you all and goodnight.

OP posts:
SlartyBartFastlaidanEgg · 23/03/2008 21:30

here is obviously not the right place

bethoo · 23/03/2008 21:40

middleclassalchy - i did not judge you and i am sorry for your predicament. i would like to say more but will also get hounded.

ChickenSoupDragon · 23/03/2008 21:48

"I wrote the post to gain opinions from women"

And you got our opinions, didn't like them so label us cyber witches and bitchy 14yos. All we know about you is what you told us - that you are bored and have embarked on an affair. Are you really that surprised at the replies??

Quattrocento · 23/03/2008 21:51

Get a job

Original poster
middleclassalchy · 23/03/2008 21:55

Got a job thank you.

OP posts:
MadameCh0let · 23/03/2008 21:58

I didn't judge you at all! Tbh, I envy you a little bit of your boring life. I've got loads of friends in real life. (This titernet business is instead of watching tv for me, it's not instead of friends )

I've only been posting here for a week, so I don't know if the other posters are looking at my screen name thinking who the heck is she?!

I want to wish you good luck with whatever comes next. Sit down and try and rank what's most important to you in life. Does security count for anything? Some people might call security boredom. It has its merits imo

I was in a miserable relationship (with an utter sh1te though, not a good but boring man) and I longed for freedom, so I know what it feels like to hover above your own life, terrified that it's all about to change.

collision · 23/03/2008 22:00

Get it right Alchy....I said you are the type of women we dread, not hate. (Though I would hate you if you did it to me)

You are out to cause mischief. You have no intention of leaving your boring DH for this man. You said in one of your posts that this would be out of the frying pan into the fire. You are bored and looking for some fun which you think is shagging the neighbour and has rightly been pointed out is a stupid thing to do. On your doorstep and the fall out of it all would be shattering for all those around you including the children.

You asked for opinions but we are Mums doing what we do, asking for help when we struggle, swapping tips and supporting each other. How you want us to support you when we could be the wife of the neighbour you are shagging is beyond me.

Maybe your DH is bored with you if he has having affairs and maybe it would be better for all of you concerned to get out of the relationship soon.

Your post will have hit a nerve with lots of mumsnetters here as they have been on the receiving end of adultery which is why you have not been greeted as you might have liked.

camillathechicken · 23/03/2008 22:00

am sorry you are depressed

am sorry your husband has had affairs

but i really don;t see how you having an affair will actually make anything better

and did you really expect everyone to go 'ooooooooh, great idea, give him one from me !'

having strong moral opinions on cheating does not make us cyber witches

camillathechicken · 23/03/2008 22:01

'you know nothing about me and yet judge me'

well, going on the facts you posted, there was not a lot else to judge on

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