2 children + 1 dull husband = affair

[middleclassalchy]

I have never done "message boards" before, but read an article on mumsnet in the Guardian, struck a chord..maybe there are other mothers out there who dont live their lives around which is the right school, can junior read better than a n other how many different types of veg can I fit into my Waitrose quick check bag to look
impressive.

Anyway, I am mid 30`s, married for 10 years, 2 boys and so very, very bored. Over Christmas a neighbour, who I have known for 8 years, and I started something which should not have been started and blimey, life has got so much more interesting! So far, even though he lives only 2 mins away, we have been very discreet and no one knows, however its eating me up. I now not only find my husband boring, but also am begining to dislike him.

I have a "meeting" planned for Fri evening...what do I do...carry on things as its giving me a bounce in my step and a reason to get up. Or.....?

what did you both try before you resorted to sleeping with the neighbour?

I agree with Lauriefairycake.

What you describe is very common - but it is your responsibility to address the problem.

Talk to your husband, get some outside interests - write maybe, I dunno.

You sound like you are in a hole emotionally and maybe need to talk to your GP about that, get a perpective on that before you do somehting drastic or self destruct, bringing everyone down with you.

These books by Relare are very good The importance of self esteem in good relationships

and Better relationships tackles the issue of what do do when the 'spark' is gone.

Goodness me, how many million people live in this country?

If you are going to have an affair, why the flying fuck do it on your own doorstep?

You must be really really stupid.

an affira is not going to give you a spark back in your life or a bounce in your step when your husband finds out and it all kicks off

or when you tell him you are leaving

if your marriage is dead in teh water or boring, either work to make it better or leave it

an affair solves nothing, only creates more problms in the long run

you will end up losing more than you gain

you need to think of your children in all of this too. if you are the adulterer, your DH could well sling you out and go for full residency of the children.. think about that before you go off for your next clandestine shag

and think about whether you want a future with this man, or if it will be exciting when it is no longer a secret

somehow i doubt it

I think that comment is astonishingly insensitive QS and I have reported it - a first for me.

I think a first for me too!

Should I have elaborated? Maybe given a reason as to why I think that?

I can.

A friend of mine, children at good local school, pretty shocking story.
One couple, 3 children, another couple 1 child. A son in the same class. The affair began on the infant nativity as the cheating parties both knew the spouse would be at the play.
So I ask this, how likely is it to keep an affair a secret if you do it "on your doorstep"? With either a neighbour (under the scrupulous eyes of the curtain twitchers) or with a parent in your childs class?

It wont take long. It will infact take very short time for the children to be hurt, for the other wife to have her life tumbling down, and ONE of the couples involved will simply HAVE TO MOVE. Breaking off the affair and starting over (with your spouse or somebody else) is not an option when you do it with somebody so close to home. The hurt and humiliation will be so big it will be neigh impossible to move beyond the affair, like sometimes couples do.

And if I now have fed a troll, then so be it, hopefully somebody else may have read it and it might have struck a chord.

really MT? i don;t think that what the OP is doing is particularly wise or clever course of action.. how is saying she is being stupid so terrible under the circs?

I don't think its insensitive either at least not as insensitive as risking your children finding out that one of their parents is a liar and a cheat and didn't even have the decency to use discretion about where she sought her thrills when her husband was no longer interesting enough

Thank you for being supportive and not thinking I`m a troll!

I have known this man for years, you are so right..not a good idea on doorstep, but the connection is much more than just sex.

I can see sense in ending it, for so so so many reasons.

It has eased the pain of a failing marriage, if I didnt have in-laws round for lunch I would try and talk to husband....but there is always an excuse isnt there!

Will find courage before next meeting...maybe I`ll report back and let those of you who have been so helpful and kind know how things have gone.

what do you want us to say?

'Fabulous! Good for you! Sleeping with the neighbour is a great idea and you should be really chuffed to have bagged yourself a new man!'

Hardly.

You are the woman we all dread. You are the woman who is bored at home and cannot be bothered to fix what is wrong so instead you go and break up another home and destroy your childrens' lives.

FGS grow up. Get a job. Do voluntary work.
Have the guts to tell your DH the truth.

But dont expect sympathy here.

Fair enough, but it takes two to tango.

You can't rely on someone else to make your life happy/exciting/whatever, it's down to you. Maybe your husband finds you awfully dull too. Perhaps he's eyeing up a neighbour as well. How does that make you feel? Would that be ok?

If your marriage is failing, deal with that first. Go to Relate or talk to your husband or leave or ask him to leave - whatever you feel best. Just have the common decency to deal with the man you married before getting your jollies elsewhere. You owe him that much.

Well I showed up here and made my first post after reading the article in the times mag. I was getting board with all the scrapping and fighting on rollercoaster. Pack of savages.

These chicas will say what they think, which is fair enough surely?

I agree with the pps though. Think about what you really want out of life? Is security not worth very much to you? Does it rank way below excitement?

Be careful, because what's exciting one minute is your life imploding the next minute.

Do you love your husband or are you just bored with the routine of it all???

Wreck your marriage and give up on the security of married life and you will have a whole new set of problems. You'll have freedom too of course, and maybe that will more than make up for what you've lost. But maybe you'll miss the security of your 'dull' life.

I'm a single mum now and I like the freedom. But it's not without its problems.

Don't you care whether your children eat vegetables and go to a good school?!?! I know motherhood is all themthemthem, and not much mememe, so maybe you should get away with your female friends for some fun..

Remind youself what it's like to have fun. Jeopardising your entire life is not the only way to feel adrenaline coursing through your veins.

Sorry, I meant BORED not board. Durr.

Perhaps you just don't excite him enough.

If you had said that was a stupid thing to do, it wouldn't be an issue. What you said was you must be very very stupid. That is the differene between a personal comment and a general opinion.

To call someone stupid when they obvioulsy seem to be srtuggling with low self esteem is not what Mn is about I think.

People do stupid things all the time - that doesn'ty make them really really stupid people.

Has anybody asked the OP if she meets her neighbour at the gym??

If so, beware of your 'friend'.

but the implication was quite clear that it was the behaviour and not the person being called stupid, mt. we're not children, we don't need the distiction spelled out all the time.

I'm not sure where you got the low self esteem thing from though.

Taking MTs comments into mind; To the op:

For the sake of political correctnes, and in the same spirit I normally use when scolding my children: "that was a really really stupid thing to do."

Monkeytrousers. I am really really glad you cleared that up for me. I dont find it all patronising, nor pedantic, and thankfully your posts are so in the spirit of mumsnet.

I'm with you Monkey.

I simply cannot believe how willing some people on here are, to label people 'trolls' at the drop of a hat. Nor can I believe how judgemental you're being.

The op is having an affair with her neighbour, blaming her husband for it as thinks he's boring and seems to be proud that her life has now become interesting. That is stupid in my opinion.

It might be a nitpick - but she sounds pretty down to me. What she's doing is stupid very probably, but we don't have the right to call her stupid, not if we are trying to help.

Some people do need the distinction pointing out - we get confusions about this all the time on here - not least MCA perhaps.

I just thought it was a bit harsh.

I think it was pretty obvious what the poster meant when saying that the op was stupid.

Erm, not sure if you're taking the piss QS but it's not a big deal - I don't want to fight you over it ot hijack the thread