2 children + 1 dull husband = affair

[middleclassalchy]

I have never done "message boards" before, but read an article on mumsnet in the Guardian, struck a chord..maybe there are other mothers out there who dont live their lives around which is the right school, can junior read better than a n other how many different types of veg can I fit into my Waitrose quick check bag to look
impressive.

Anyway, I am mid 30`s, married for 10 years, 2 boys and so very, very bored. Over Christmas a neighbour, who I have known for 8 years, and I started something which should not have been started and blimey, life has got so much more interesting! So far, even though he lives only 2 mins away, we have been very discreet and no one knows, however its eating me up. I now not only find my husband boring, but also am begining to dislike him.

I have a "meeting" planned for Fri evening...what do I do...carry on things as its giving me a bounce in my step and a reason to get up. Or.....?

Oh yes I`m back...call it morbid curiosity.

Thank you so much to a couple of later posts, in particular Maturer. I wonderful post that has given me much food for thought. Again some pretty nasty ones. I will not reveal what my job is I`m afraid.

Anyway, I have thought many, many things through and desperatly want to see neighbour on Friday, though not for sex, in fact he is a bit rubbish at it and even warned me. But to chat and spend time with him. I think if we knocked the sex bit on the head and went back to the relationship we used to have before he made the move, and it was him, not me! we could maybe continue seeing each other for each others company.

The reason the sex bit started was because he made me feel desirable for the first time in years, my husband is a photographer so works with many beautiful women, which he is always quick to remind me I am not.

Ok, starters orders...go for the hounding!!

middlec you are going about this the wrong way round. If you truly think there is nothing worth saving in your marriage and are prepared to pull everything apart...then you should split up first and then have the affair.

Otherwise you are a cheat and a liar. Not nice.

Once you have split up, your neighbour might not find you so exciting once you are free, have 2 kids to look after on your own and need more than just a bit of quick sex?

Hindsight is always 20-20, and yes it can be bloody boring but I've seen friends who have split up thru boredom and the grass is not as green.

I was in a shit marriage. I am now happily married.

Morals aside, part of me wishes I had had an affair first time round - I would have realised just how much shite I was putting up with - I would have left him far earlier.

Having said that, think you should sort out your marriage before you wreck someoneelses-- look elsewhere.

If the sex stopped is it still technically an affair? Most meetings happen at lunchtime anyway, so just a glass of wine and chat..or water maybe..dont have a drink problem!

If things stop and nobody finds out then nobody gets hurt...we can just brush the fact that we became physical under the carpet. I think he would be up for that, I dont know, I`ll have to ask him.

People on here will say it's an 'emotional affair'. This was news to me until I started posting on here. To some people it's just as bad as actually shagging him because it's a betrayal of trust.

A recent thread on here asked if women could survive just a casual sexual relationship without the emotion. If you're not that sort of person - if you do not have the emotional strength - it could all go horribly wrong. Take it from me.

It IS wonderful to be desired - it consumes you to the point of madness if you let it - and you DO have my sympathy - but with it a HUGE caveat about the potential pain which will be caused yours and others.

If you think he's be up for forgetting that you were once physical - maybe he's trying to tell you he'd rather stop now anyway...?

I think you have to accept that much of life is boring, that's normal. Is it really your husband's fault that your life is boring? How much energy should he have left to entertain you once he has been out all day working to support your middle-class life?

I agree with the person who asked you to think how you would explain to your children that their father doesn't live with you any more. The consequences of these 'fun' little affairs are inevitably far-reaching, hurting spouses and children who have done nothing wrong.

you are hooked now.

Well Alchy, I dont think my DH would be too impressed at regular lunches with a man.

I think he would be about the whole thing and wonder if a man and woman can be just good friends.

I think you need to knock it on the head really.

Too many people are involved in the fall out of this and if the shagging aint up to much then what is the point?

At least tell your DH you are bored and see how he feels. Maybe a trial separation would sort you both out.

Your husband tells you you are not as attractive as the women he works with? Nice fella, eh?

You aren't going to get any defintive answers on here, just a rash of opinion, some sympathetic to someone in an crisis and others who are just spiteful and bizzare frankly.

Only you know if it's worth saving - the question of if you have the resourses to leave - money most importantly, friends and family next - even if it is just to give you DH a kick up the arse to how miserable you are with him.

If this guy is a good friend thats fair enough, but you are hurt by your husbands attention to other women - it's exactly the position you are putting his wife in - and you don't even fancy him really, so what's the point?

If you can take the kids away for a while go and sort your head out. If you split up, you can have all the time in the world to build something new with someone else and feel desired again, being careful not to hrt your kids of course in the process.

Other than that I';d recommend Relate - stick with it for an experrinced counsellor though - not a trainee and get those books I posted links to before - or jusr put 'Relate' into the search engine of Amazon.

BTW, your husband's name doesn't begin with a Z does it?

I honestly think you are fooling yourself here.

If both your husband and you have/have had affairs then neither of you are treating eachother or your children with respect.

Saying that he did it first is never going to justify you doing it as well.

You sound slightly childish, and I don't say that to offend you. It is just when you say that your husband had an affair first (or was it several), in my ears that makes it sound very "but mommy he started it".

Have you ever sat down and discussed your (yours and his) problem with this marriage?

It sounds to me that you are in this marriage for the money/security.

That's a huge judgement call! Totally unwarrented and dreampt up as far as I can see! Talk about being childish.

Why the fuck can't people just stop at the point of giving advice instead of taking that further step and judging on a miniscule amount of information?

Jesus, I'm never going to ask for advice on here if this is the pattern it takes today. It never used to be this judgemental.

That was to MM not you JaB

I'm glad you're back middleclassalchy. If you can survive a first thread like this I think you're going to like mn, and find it a really supportive and amusing place.

I'm sorry your husband doesn't make you feel attractive, that's not good, and definitely something you need to challenge him about. Maybe if you make the decision to actually concentrate on making your marriage happier, or moving on - you'll feel much better all round.

Monkeytrousers, if that was directed at me (way too many abbreviations on here for me to keep up with ), then I am sorry if you found my reply to middleclassalchy judgemental, it sure was not meant to be.

However, I am still finding what both she and her husband (and the people they are having/have had affairs with) are doing is wrong and hurtful towards their families.

If she is truly not happy in her marriage then I hope that she will find a way out of the marriage.

Hey MCA I'm glad your back amongst us witches

I think that you need to cut contact with this neighbour really. It isn't going to end well any which way but you can make it end on your terms. TBH if you're not having sex it's still a way of dodging the problems in your marriage. And until you address those you're likely to stay unhappy and unfufilled.

I hope you stay on mn and ask about how to sort put your relationship with your dh.

Maybe a new thread would be good.

Do you think you could work it out with dh or is it time to consider leaving?

Well it's one thing to say she is unhappy in her marriage (obvious) and another the asccuse her of just "this marriage for the money/security" - (completely out of order). We have only the bare bones of this relationship.

Hi MCA. I think part of the problem with the first part of your posts is that it was quite provocatively phrased (blaming husband for being dull etc).

Also, that you forgot to judge the audience- we are, after all, a parenting forum, so consideration for children is going to come very high on the list for most people. There was nothing in your first post that suggested that you were interested in the effect the situation has on your children- and in fact I haven't seen you discuss that angle in any later post either.

Your later posts certainly make it seem more as if there are problems on both sides of this relationship (like your dh making derogatory remarks about you- deffo not on!) - but you can't really blame MN for not knowing that when you didn't tell them.

(Also, I think it would make a better impression if you didn't run down the sexual performance of both men. Sex isn't something that the man performs while the woman lies back to give him points out of ten: it's something two people work on together. If it's not good, the fault could lie with either or both.)

In the present instance, and trying to decide whether to carry on seeing the neighbour on a non-physical basis, I think you need to ask yourself how it will affect other people. Would you be happy for your husband to know this? Would it hurt him? Would you be happy for your children to know? Might it hurt them, either now or when they are old enough to think it over with more adult understanding? What about the neighbour's family? Would they feel happy about this? Would you have to carry on lying? And if any of the above found out, how would they feel about that?

There is a fair amount of evidence that children are hurt more by finding out that their parents are lying than by an actual divorce. This is another factor to take into account.

I think lots of us would be very happy to support you and see a good solution here, but it is impossible to find a good solution that does not take the other people's feelings into account.

Oh lord - I really have no wish to 'police' the boards and my opinion is onoy as valid as anyone elses; but when someonbe posts for the first time on here obviouly feeling low and wanting some support, I just don't understand why people are so quick to attack tghem. It's like everyone is on 'AIBU' mode and just posts without thinking. MN is first and foremost supposed to be about supporting mothers and sharing advice. It's not jeremy viles phone in - or is it - i dunno anymore?

I think you're right monkey trousers. The trouble with this particular topic is that the relationships section is full of very hurt women whose husbands have or are having affairs and their families are breaking up. It's a terribly emotive subject and people are reacting with genuine anger.

I do hope mca will stick around to see that it's not all like this, and that she's found some good advice so far.

I`m back again, sorry its so sporadic but things keep happening where I cant sit down and use computer.

Husbands name does not begin with Z!! You are all full of such good advice. Would husband raise eyebrows at illict lunch meetings?? Probably...Do I want to hurt my children, good God no.

Taking them away for a while sounds good, maybe over the Easter Break.

I think I need some time alone, with the children, to take account of things.

Am not happy with DH, this Easter weekend has been hellish.

Yeah, you are probably right too Boco.

Well I hope you sort it out MCA. For all your sakes.

yes, you definately need some time alone, and think about it.
affair, everyone involved get hurt. think again.