Dating thread 245

[SamW98]

Continued from 244….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Pepsimaxedout Muting and app breaks are essential for MH. Especially because apps can be so addictive but at the same time they cab be emotionally draining.

@AltheaVestr1t interesting what you mention about the connection between limerance and difficult childhood. Think that explains a lot with me! I've already done a lot of work on myself after my marriage ended. But I still catch myself repeating old behaviours!

@cassiatwenty yes breaks are definitely needed for mental health.

@AltheaVestr1t

I totally relate to this. I know I have an anxious attachment style mixed with some avoidance as a result of a difficult childhood and I too survived it by creating imaginary friends and elaborate scenarios on a day to day basis as a younger child at least. I have had counselling at various points but I do wonder whether OLD is feeling so draining and such a rollercoaster of emotions because of all of that. But then I read everyone's stories which are weirdly heartening even though they shine a light on how awful some of the behaviour is. And I just think it's the process rather than me being unhinged 😆

@Pepsimaxedout that's awful, It's just rotten behaviour and they clearly do think they are on some free or low cost version of only fans.

Definitely think regular breaks for positive MH is a must.

@AltheaVestr1t and @mumofoneanddone82 I have never heard of limerance but reading your posts was like a light switching on!
I also had a difficult childhood and have always fell hard and fast for men I meet both growing up and now (although I thought I had got over that but my latest exploits on OLD I am guessing not!)
Now on an app break for MH until at least 1st April I find it soul destroying to be honest and after being able to talk to my last match so easily and for hours at a time conversation is now like pulling teeth!!

@2anddone @AltheaVestr1t Yes, same for me! I haven't had it for ages! But a few weeks ago I had a huge anxiety breakdown, it was debilitating and my whole weekend (where I was child free) was spent obsessing over work! I went on the apps and one average looking man had sent me a nice message! I thought it was so lovely and thought out we had a conversation and he was saying all the right things. We went to what's app and spoke and then I started day dreaming about being with him and was invested in him (without even having met him) he was talking about driving to see me etc etc! Then poof, just vanished! I felt so bad about it this past week - like a breakup. But after reading about limerance I realise I attached myself to the idea of this person because I was in a vulnerable position! The mind is such a fucking pain in the arse sometimes! Here for you if you ever need to chat about it xxx

Thanks so much @mumofoneanddone82 as shitty as it is I am glad it's not just me...until I read about it I honestly thought I was some sort of bunny boiler!!
I was chatting to a guy I had matched with for 7 weeks before he ended it and asked for a break. We had met 3 times and in my head I was imagining us on holiday and Christmas's together etc
To be fair we got on really well and chatted on the phone for hours but when he messaged me last week to say he wanted to stop for a bit I grieved like I did at the end of my marriage...crazy!! Looking back he had more baggage than most people so I possibly had a lucky escape...still miss him though!

Fellow limerent person here too, fully get where you're both coming from. When I split from my husband I fell head over heels in limerence with a guy who had soooo many red flags. I saw them but just disregarded them, so strong was the fantasy I'd created about who he was and what our future together might be. Looking back I cringe so much! I properly pursued him thinking we were destined to be together, but it wasn't long before the limerence eased off and I could see things for what they were. I'm wise to it now but still can't fully prevent it from happening again. It's so easy to fall back into, especially if you're lonely and vulnerable.

So had agreed with to a second date with a guy, we last messaged on Saturday. Have heard nothing from him which is fine but I would have thought it was just general manners to confirm by this morning, sent him a friendly message asking to confirm and not heard back although his "last seen" indicates he would have been on WhatsApp after I sent the message. Honestly, it's just so rude. We are talking a 55 year old professional person, you would think he had better or at least some people skills.

@Livelifelaughter sounds like he's ghosting or just waiting to see if he gets a better offer. Neither is great.

Just seen one on Bumble doing the Norman Bates selfie stare whose bio reads

‘I’m kinky very kinky so you better be a bad gurl’

Errrrrrrr swipe left very very quickly

So funny @SamW98, sure you're not tempted 😆

I was just thinking I've not had any dodgy messages for nearly two weeks.
I think all the good advice and guidance on here for you lovely lot has helped me weed out some of the potential sex pests at the first hurdle.

So I sent what I thought was a pretty good first message to Mr Hat yesterday morning, he had liked me first so we matched. Heard nothing back but can now see that he has viewed my profile again and still no reply.

So I go back to look for another possibility and they are all looking half dead again or live miles away or smoke or have some other kind of obvious red flag in the profile. It's so disappointing.

There is one who I like the look of but he is short which isn't a big issue as I am short but he says twice something about not liking confrontation and his superpower is staying quiet. Just think this is maybe akin to the drama free only type profiles.

I'm not keen on confrontation either but I'm not sure I'd put it my OLD profile and I do need good communication so staying quiet isn't necessarily a good thing!

@Livelifelaughter

I am sorry that has happened. I think I would have struggled to go a week between it being agreed and the date taking place with no messages. But I can see that it's very sensible not to have lots of messages back and forth but something to indicate some continued level of interest feels necessary for me.

@Mckittens Conflict is a necessary part of friendships, nevermind relationships that get stronger and better. I think people confront their issues and relate to each other in a healthy way. Nobody likes confrontation but I reckon it's far healthier understanding that there will be rocky, as well as nice moments in a relationships.

Staying quiet not liking confrontation sounds like stonewalling to me.

@Mckittens

I was almost tempted just yo see whet he had to say for himself 🤣

Quiet day at work so been having a swipe through. Just see a reasonably good looking one but his headline was ‘I love passionate kissing’

That gave me the ick - you’re not 15 mate 🤣🤣

@cassiatwenty yes thank you, that's it exactly, made me think stonewalling & as you say it's never always plain sailing.

I am going to try and take a break, it's so addictive.

😱

Why?! Just why?!

@SamW98 How old was he??

50’s

I do wonder if a lot of these men have come out of long marriages with very little sex towards the end which is why they’re seemingly desperate for it

@SamW98 I think you're spot on! I had a bloke ask within about two questions about how often I liked to have sex because he hadn't got enough in his marriage! He was late 40s.

I do think about how many men OLD are exs from MN!!

Going for a date tomorrow evening. Going. For tea at 6ish.
Is it acceptable for me to have a couple wines with my food on a first date?
Hoping to just relax my nerves tbh 🙈

@blacksocks33 I think the point of a first date is to get to know each other not to pretend you're a different person. If you had one glass and he's the same would it not be a bit odd on date number three that you drank.half a bottle while he had his one glass. By the same token, don't drink to much as you are meeting a stranger and there's a safety aspect to that.

Of course it’s fine. I only ever do drinks as a first date never good and always have a glass of wine if I’m driving and a couple of I’m not.

I would say no more than a couple though. Definitely stay sober - good luck

The men that say on OLD, I want to go for dates and see how it goes/ don't want to jump into anything. Do they have commitment issues or do they not understand how dating works?

Tbh, I think you just don’t know, you could have complete chancers and liars who deliberately state they’re after a LTR knowing they will attract nice women - who knows. I think it’s fair to ask the question of that person, in person when appropriate and pay a lot of attention to how they answer

@blacksocks33 I don't see anything wrong with having a few drinks on a date. I've done the same myself. Just make sure you have a safe way of getting home on your own. I usually get a friend to collect me if I'm drinking on a date.

After muting the apps, I have ended up swapping numbers with someone in the locak shop who recognised me from the app! So we're going on a date this weekend 🙈