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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé told me he has gambling addiction.. now what?

192 replies

sosrol · 13/02/2024 09:23

Hi, desperately looking for advice / support please.

I'm 28 and my fiancé is 27, we live with his parents at the moment while we are saving for a house deposit (hoping to have saved enough by the summer)

He has always been careless with money and never seems to have a penny left by the end of the month so always asks me to lend him money, but will never miss a night out with his friends - even if he has no money, he would rather borrow money off someone than not go out.

He regularly gambles on slot games on his phone, I have no idea how these work and he has always told me that it's not gambling and that he is playing with fake money (I feel stupid now)

Last night he has admitted to me that he has a problem and has deleted all of these apps from his phone, he is spending hundreds on these games hence why he is always skint! It has only hit home for him when he recently got declined for a loan from the bank because of his habit.

My question is, what now? Where do we go from here? I support him through all of his problems but am now feeling deflated like it's one thing after another. Will he ever change and am I being selfish for considering ending the relationship over this when I should be supporting him? I feel awful.

OP posts:
notknowledgeable · 13/02/2024 09:24

DO NOT MARRY HIM

theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 09:25

you say you’re saving to buy

have you actually saved anything? how much has he saved? does he have access to the savings??

RedChester · 13/02/2024 09:25

You don’t go anywhere with him, you run far far away and quickly.

Original poster
sosrol · 13/02/2024 09:26

@theeyeshaveit82 we have saved a couple of grand, I say 'we' it's mainly me with a small contribution from him. He doesn't have access to the savings

OP posts:
theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 09:26

what compelled him to admit last night?

have no idea how these work and he has always told me that it's not gambling and that he is playing with fake money (I feel stupid now)

not just just a gambler Op. A liar too

lolstevelol · 13/02/2024 09:26

Surely someone being carless with money is a huge dealbreaker for a relationship.

theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 09:27

sosrol · 13/02/2024 09:26

@theeyeshaveit82 we have saved a couple of grand, I say 'we' it's mainly me with a small contribution from him. He doesn't have access to the savings

you’re going to be at his parents for the rest of your life at that rate and married to a gambling addict

Tiddlywinks63 · 13/02/2024 09:28

I’d dump him, he’s not going to change and you’ll bear the brunt of it and the debts.
Definitely don’t buy a house with him!

readingismycardio · 13/02/2024 09:29

Run now. Before it's not too late.

icelollycraving · 13/02/2024 09:30

Don’t marry him. Don’t get a mortgage with him although you’ll probably find that kind of loan impossible to get approval for. If you’re both supposedly saving, does he need a loan to clear gambling debts?
I lived with a gambler. I also had no idea. He stole from me and lied over and over, pretended he’d been mugged with the rent, stole my belongings. We all have flaws but I found his weakness and lying unforgivable and got rid.
So he will borrow money to go on a night out etc whilst you’re saving and bailing him out. He’s living with his parents and probably will be in another 5 years.

FlowerTink · 13/02/2024 09:30

Echoing everyone saying don't marry him, you'll be taking on his debts and the stress of all that.

ladygindiva · 13/02/2024 09:31

notknowledgeable · 13/02/2024 09:24

DO NOT MARRY HIM

This. With bells on.

Lifebeganat50 · 13/02/2024 09:32

Now you leave. Even if stops gambling it will be replaced with another addiction. Don’t sign up for this life and for gods sake don’t have kids with him

TheGhostILoveTheMost · 13/02/2024 09:32

I'm so sorry. It is highly unlikely to change. I've hand first hand experience with people with gambling addictions.
If I were you I'd be ending this relationship and finding somewhere else to live.

Original poster
sosrol · 13/02/2024 09:33

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the comments and know that you are all right.

I think I'm starting to realise that I'm in for a hard life with him if I keep putting up with this

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 13/02/2024 09:33

I agree with the previous posters. You will have a life of misery if you continue with him. Sorry.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 13/02/2024 09:34

He will ruin your life if you stay with him. You need to leave him and don’t look back.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2024 09:36

You've already had a hard time with him. Now it is time to end this relationship before he drags you down with him even further.

Original poster
sosrol · 13/02/2024 09:36

Thanks all. We've had disagreements in the past about other things, for example his idea of fun is going out with the boys every weekend and getting drunk (which I enjoy too) but not every single weekend. I enjoy to do other stuff like weekends away, walks, things that don't involve alcohol. He is very child like in that sense as if hes still 18!

I feel like this has just topped it all off

OP posts:
caringcarer · 13/02/2024 09:38

Wake up and see🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. A gambler is a loser. He's lied to you already. You save up whilst he won't miss a night out. 🚩🚩🚩🚩. More red flags. You'll live a miserable life with him but you won't believe this. People will warn you but you just won't believe them because you love him. He won't change because he's an addict. 🚩🚩🚩🚩. If you marry him you'll live to regret it. He's already a shit fiance lying to you. He'll make a shit husband and a shit Dad.

DevaleraSpawnOfSatan · 13/02/2024 09:38

He told you last night because there is a truckload of shit coming down the road and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I dumped a gambler at 22, forty years on I have everything I aspired to detached home in the HC, mortgage paid off about ten years early, nice (IMO) paid for cars on the drive, guaranteed holiday every year, yada, yada, money in the bank.

Him, well he never made his fortune and now lives on his own in a council flat in a very dodgy area.

I loved him with all my heart and all my soul and he was truly my soulmate, but I ran and I am imploring you to do the same.

GOODCAT · 13/02/2024 09:38

Don't stay. You will regret it. I have a number of gambling addicts in my family (long line of bookies) and irresponsible spenders who cannot do anything but spend every penny the second they get it.

None of them have turned it around. One lost his job because of it. Several lost relationships including with their kids.

You are behaving like a grown up in saving for your future. He is not. Don't try to help him or forgive him. You have very different outlooks, so move on. Don't saddle yourself with this or your future kids. I know it is easier said than done, but those of us who have been up close to this have seen the reality and wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

I know your instinct will be to give him a chance. If you decide to do that (please don't), don't marry him and don't have kids until he can prove his whole mindset has changed. Defer your wedding at the very least.

PieAndLattes · 13/02/2024 09:39

Do not marry him. Do not get a joint account or joint mortgage or a joint loan or joint anything with him. Do not sign anything that his name will be on. Don’t guarantor anything for him. If you rent or buy ANYTHING make sure you do it in your name only. Don’t get any of the bills in his name and make sure you get his share of any bills up front at the beginning of the month. Put the money where he can’t access it.

This man has shown you that he is a liar and a gambler. You’re still so young and you have so many opportunities. Don't waste them by being shackled to a man you can’t trust and who will most likely always choose gambling over your relationship. You will always be the one paying - literally, in terms of cold hard cash (holidays, kids school clothes, bills, etc.) and figuratively (the emotional toll of living with someone who will lie in order to be able to gamble). You might be his fiancée but gambling is his mistress. Once the trust is gone it’s almost impossible to get back. I’m not a fan of defaulting to LTB, but in your shoes I’d weigh up my options very carefully before making any longer term commitment.

iOoOOoOi · 13/02/2024 09:42

Why on earth are you still with him? Do you want kids in the future? If so then it's irresponsible to choose him as their father.

How long have you been dating?