Fiancé told me he has gambling addiction.. now what?

[sosrol]

Hi, desperately looking for advice / support please.

I'm 28 and my fiancé is 27, we live with his parents at the moment while we are saving for a house deposit (hoping to have saved enough by the summer)

He has always been careless with money and never seems to have a penny left by the end of the month so always asks me to lend him money, but will never miss a night out with his friends - even if he has no money, he would rather borrow money off someone than not go out.

He regularly gambles on slot games on his phone, I have no idea how these work and he has always told me that it's not gambling and that he is playing with fake money (I feel stupid now)

Last night he has admitted to me that he has a problem and has deleted all of these apps from his phone, he is spending hundreds on these games hence why he is always skint! It has only hit home for him when he recently got declined for a loan from the bank because of his habit.

My question is, what now? Where do we go from here? I support him through all of his problems but am now feeling deflated like it's one thing after another. Will he ever change and am I being selfish for considering ending the relationship over this when I should be supporting him? I feel awful.

@SheepAndSword a couple of grand in my terms of speaking just means a couple of grand I was trying to keep it vague, it definitely doesn't mean 2k 😊 we have saved a bit over £12,000 between us (I have saved 8k he has saved almost 5k)

Thanks all, hearing the experiences from those who have been through this are helpful and most seem to have ended badly which is an eye opener.

@weredormouse I just checked and sorry there's no source quoted on the document.

You’re dealing with addiction.

Gambling and alcoholism is a lot bigger than you, and you will never be able to change his nature.

The brutal truth is you need to leave him now, before he drags you down into the dirt with him.

a couple of grand in my terms of speaking just means a couple of grand I was trying to keep it vague, it definitely doesn't mean 2k 😊 we have saved a bit over £12,000 between us (I have saved 8k he has saved almost 5k)

what on earth??

He gambles
He is dreadful with money
He is like an 18 year old and every weekend goes out with mates and gets drunk
He has outrightly lied to you

but other than that… it’s all good

what kind of a wedding are you planning on having?

@theeyeshaveit82 is it really relevant to the OPs problem?

yup

and strange you can see why

hint: she’s saving for a house but if they wanted a huge wedding as well or even a medium sized one.. surely the savings are going to that too.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is really tough.

Gambling seems like an epidemic at the minute.

I found out about my now ex husband's gambling addiction about 3 years into it. I'd just had our second baby. I felt really stupid for having not realised...the borrowing, being broke, always feeling responsible for making ends meet, the absence, the mood swings.....

The lying was probably the worst part. But it is part of the addiction. I tried my best to stay and support, but ultimately I needed to get out to have any chance of a decent life for my kids and myself. It destroyed everything, and he needed to hit rock bottom before trying to stop for himself. Whilst I was still there, shouldering some of the hits, being someone to rely on, it gave the addiction a way to stay. I had to leave him to nothing, so he had nothing left to feed it with.

Hes been fighting it for 4 years, on and off relapses, time in rehab etc. He's a teacher from a respected family, from the outside, you wouldn't even know.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and I'd get out as early as possible. It's really hard to know the full extend, and its very difficult to detect relapses, I was constantly on edge.

Someone told me that he would need to be on his own if he had any chance of beating it and I wish I had of listened to that advice sooner.

Take care of yourself, you would be being kind by giving him the best shot at getting himself better- and leaving.

if you could go back in time @Newthings would you have married him?

A couple of anything means 2, sometimes up to 3 but not 12 thats a dozen lol.

8 to 12 you could say a few thousands if you want to be vague but not a couple nobody says a couple about12!

and even if £12k… surely you have a hell of a long way to go before you’ve got enough to buy a property?!!

and a couple of thousand means £12k?

OP… it’s you that sounds like a gambling addict when you say nonsense like that

It’s good that he told you before you married him (and then liable for his debts) and financially entwined with him (house purchase, joint account etc).

But, it’s possible that is now he has told you, if he thinks he has your “acquiescence”. If he gambles again he’ll think deep down “I told sosrol about the gambling and she was cool about it so yea it’s ok to carry on.”

Also, if he can’t survive financially to payday while living very cheaply in his parents house, how is he going to manage paying his share of a mortgage and utility bills, the cost of setting up a home ( legal and survey fees, furniture, appliances etc.) not to mention unexpected house maintenance bills.

He’s living like a teenager, getting pissed with mates every weekend. I bet either his mum or you does his laundry and ironing (not to mention food shopping and cooking).

Marry him soon and you’ll soon get tired of his man-child ways and financial irresponsibility, and you’ll be on the hook for any new debts.

I have an ex from the 90s who became addicted to arcade gambling. He’s still living with his mum now as without her he’d be homeless.

He’s shit with money and will always be shit with money.
You will forever be struggling through life if you continue the relationship with him.

I think you know in your head what you should do. The question is whether you will let your heart overrule your head and if you do, will you live to regret it? Think long and hard. If you go ahead you will need to protect yourself and any future children. Plus once married half of whatever you have earned is his. Even if he never earned a penny of it. They will never have money for food, for childcare, for bills for nice treats like holidays. You are already lending him money like the bank! It's a good way to build resentment once the scales of 'love' fall of your eyes and you realise he is just a user. Then you will feel bitter. And it will be harder to entangle. Do you want that for your life? Plus I would say people Thad are prepared to lie about gambling and are addicts it often goes hand in hand with other risk taking behaviour such as prostitute's, web camming, cheating. It all boils down to a lack of respect for you.

Oh my gosh, why is everybody so triggered that I called 12k a couple of grand? I wasn't planning on mentioning the amount saved so tried being vague. Can always rely on some people on this forum to completely go off on a tangent and focus on the tiny details that are not relevant to my original post 😅

15k is enough as you can get houses here for around 90k.

Not planning a wedding for years yet - although not sure how this is relevant.

To the majority on here, thank you for the support x

At this stage in the relationship, with relatively little to lose, I wouldn't choose to stay with a gambling addict.

No.

You need to get professional advise and support. As I said upthread gamcare can offer this to you and may be able to refer you to support in your local area for some information, advise and emotional support.

Not planning a wedding for years yet - although not sure how this is relevant.

You have done an about-turn op

yesterday… moving out to your parents

today… it’s all back on and we’re a bunch of crazies 😂

Well you can only lead a horse to water, you cant make it drink.
most people are advising you from a position of experience, they arent set on destroying your life, just can see your potential future and want to protect you from it.
Its understandably difficult to walk away from a relationship if everything has been good up to now, but you are in a low pressure situation currently
You live with his parents, have no worries about keeping a roof over your head or bills or children and even now he is putting his wants first. Do you think he will be capable of dealing with real-life issues when you have a mortgage and rates go up, or bills go up, or you have childcare costs or job losses? You can love someone, doesn't necessarily mean they will be a good partner and marriages are about what happens after the wedding on a day to day basis.

Is he someone who would have your back if things were difficult or would he piss off as soon as the going gets hard, drinking with his mates or losing himself in slot machines?

I would at least postpone this wedding until you are 100% certain that gambling and immaturity are no longer an issue. Otherwise you are heading for a difficult marriage, with you taking up all the slack and responsibility

Please have nothing more to do with him. He will ruin you. He will then leave you.

I was with a gambler and I can guarantee that whatever he has told you you can triple it at least. My ex bled us dry and left me with a small baby. He made me question my own sanity. He was quite cheery as he left whilst I was broke and in bits.

Use your savings to find somewhere else to leave today!